Price: $3.00 on sale, reg. $3.69
Serving: 1/2 pizza, 5.8oz.
Calories: 360 per serving
Fat: 18%, 12g
Cholesterol: 8%, 25mg
Sodium: 32%, 770mg
Protein: 14g
Carbohydrates: 16%, 48g
Fiber: 8%, 2g
Sugar: 3g
Weight Watchers Points: 8 per serving

Safeway Select says: A Traditional Margherita Pizza Made with Lightly Seasoned Diced Tomatoes and Basil, with a Blend of Mozzarella, Asiago, Parmesan and Romano Cheeses.

Liza says: Somebody Sure Likes Using Caps Over There. I think they found themselves in a confused panic about capitalizing specific cheese names and decided to throw in a bunch of extra caps just in case they were wrong. That way they could pretend it was just some kind of poetic free verse. Anyhow, let me get the bitchy part out of the way first: A “traditional” Margherita pizza? O rilly? ‘Cause I have never seen Asiago, Parmesan and Romano cheeses on a “traditional” Margherita. Fresh Buffalo Mozzarella, fresh basil, and fresh tomatoes are the only required toppings for a Margherita pizza. Maybe a drizzle of extra-virgin olive oil. That’s it, though.

Pizza pedantics aside, this little seven-inch rising-crust number was really quite good. The crust was both nicely doughy inside and crisp on the outside; it tasted very similar to a Freschetta crust, which doesn’t surprise me because house brands are often made with the exact same ingredients as name brands, in the exact same facilities, and are sometimes the exact same product with different packaging. If you like Freschetta, I’m fairly confident you would like the Safeway Select.

This pizza doesn’t have tomato sauce, but its diced tomatoes were decently tomatoey, not pink and acidic as is so often the case. The ingredient list doesn’t specify, but they tasted like they could be plum tomatoes. I liked the four-cheese blend well enough, but because three of the four were dry cheeses, this pizza isn’t gooey and melty. It’s pretty self-contained and won’t leave long strings of elastic mozzarella draping over your keyboard at work. The cheeses were nicely salty and a little nutty, and had cooked to a perfect golden-brown. I have mixed feelings about the basil, though. My first couple of bites were impressively bright with plenty of zingy basil, but then some other pieces had no discernible basil at all.

By the way, this is one of the few frozen entrees I’ve come across that offered high-altitude cooking instructions on the back. Those of us who live way up in the sky appreciate that. In this case, 20-26 minutes in a preheated 400 degree oven was the recommended cooking time, but it took 31 for my pizza to get lightly browned. I must also note that half of a seven-inch pizza is not going to satisfy most people, so let’s just assume we’re all going to eat the whole thing and be done with it. You could do much worse than infrequently consuming 720 calories for your main meal of the day. Would I buy this pizza again? Yeah, because even at the regular price of $3.69 it’s cheaper than Amy’s Solid Gold Crust pizza topped with black truffles and unicorn meat. Plus, Amy’s crust doesn’t even RISE. It thinks it’s above all that.

Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Serving: 1 meal, 11oz
Calories: 400 per serving
  Calories from Fat: 150
Fat: 25%, 16g
  Saturated Fat: 25%, 5g
  Trans Fat: 0g
Cholesterol: 13%, 40mg
Sodium: 49%, 1180mg
Protein: 22g
Carbohydrates: 13%, 40g
Fiber: 24%, 6g
Sugar: 3g
Weight Watchers Points: 9 Points

Marie Callender says: Pasta Al Dente selections by Marie Callender’s feature only the finest ingredients. Inspired by a garden’s bounty, Cavatappi Genovese features a creamy pesto sauce with tender white meat chicken, fire roasted zucchini and Parmesan cheese.

Abi says: Before I tell you about this meal, you should know that the steam-based cooking devices are fraught with danger. Sure, there’s the regular danger of being burned by hot steam as it escapes that plastic tomb, but there’s also the threat of spilling lunch all over your office kitchen. Apparently, when plastic gets very hot it also bends easily, meaning that once-rigid bowl of pasta, sauce and vegetables is now a threat to everyone within a four foot radius. So, if you’re thinking about using something like a Healthy Choice Steamer or even dealing with one of those plastic trays from Amy’s Kitchen, exercise some caution with your meal.

And when it comes to Marie Callender’s Cavatappi Genovese, you may want to exercise caution with your mouth. I know, everything in here looks innocuous, from the grilled-then-steamed zucchini (ooh, mush!) to the chicken breast chunks, to the cavatappi*. But the reality is that this meal comes with a sauce so astringent that you’ll find yourself reading the ingredients list to figure out what is burning your mouth and whether or not you should consider seeing a doctor if the pain lasts more than four hours.

Yes, if you’re looking for the most cruel creamy basil pesto sauce in the world, I found it. I also found that zucchini that has been “fire roasted” and then steamed may as well be steamed from the beginning, especially when coated with the basil pesto sauce of damnation, which smelled really nice and made my coworks actually say “Mmmm, that smells good.” Until they saw that my eyes were watering.

But maybe you like things that burn. Maybe you’ve always wondered what would happen if the folks at Marie Callender tried to make a super creamy yet alarmingly pain-inducing sauce. If you’re up for experimenting on your body, I think I may have found an entire line of meals that exactly suit your needs. And if you don’t like pain during lunch? Do what I did: attempt to drain every items of as much sauce as possible before placing it in your mouth.

*It is official, Cavatappi is my new favorite microwaved from previously frozen pasta. I used to love penne, a pasta that reheats to al dente and is excellent for stabbing. I also liked rotini, but it almost never appeared in frozen meals. Cavatappi (which is sometimes also called Scoobi Do, seriously) is also spiral-shaped. It is as though penne and rotini had a love child. For me to eat. Thank you, procreating pastas.

Today’s feature comes from Matt Ventre, a User Experience Designer and Information Architect at Cornell University. Being at Cornell, he gets to take part in some interesting experiments, including a Lean Pockets taste test. Since he wasn’t required to sign a non-disclosure agreement for the taste test, we’re bringing his experience to you.

I count being paid to eat among the rarest of opportunities in life. [This is, of course, disregarding my forays into competitive eating from which I have yet to garner anything more than indigestion] You can imagine my excitement when I discovered two Lean Pocket taste tests to take place in the food science lab at the university where I work. In addition to receiving two morsels to nibble on I would be compensated for my efforts to the tune of five US dollars per test! A full belly and cash, to boot?

I saved the dates.

Fast-forward to the morning of the first test. Having skipped breakfast in anticipation of the meal, I was a bit out of sorts at the office. I reminded my rumbling stomach that it was my duty to remain steadfast and to perform at the highest level possible. I wanted my contribution to culinary progress to be untainted by prior food consumption.

Arriving at the lab that afternoon, I hurriedly scrawled my signature on the waiver and took a seat in front of a testing station. For the uninitiated, these tests are carried out in rooms that have small doors set into a wall. Next to the door is a computer terminal for the participant to fill out a survey. The subject is given a placard with words reading “All Done” or “Ready for Sample” that they use to control the pace of the test.

The menu consisted of two Lean Pockets Whole Grain Grilled Chicken, Mushroom & Spinach sandwiches. I eagerly passed my waiver and placard under the hinged door and signed into my terminal. Minutes later a tasty looking (and smelling) Lean Pocket appeared on a numbered paper plate. It had the balanced aroma that a good Pocket should – a hint of cheese rising above the scent of the seasoned crust. A motherly voice from behind the wall advised me that the sample could be extremely hot and to refrain from diving in too quickly.

Sample 1:
After consuming about half of the Pocket, I observed that the crust was perfectly seasoned if a little on the soft side. I noticed a serious amount of mushrooms in the filling but little else of abundance. That said, the mushroom flavor was not overpowering. In fact, it sat quite nicely in contrast to the gooey, pleasing cheese. The real standout of the first sample, however, was the chicken flavor. Despite the lack of chicken bits, the chicken flavor pulled the Pocket together. It’s a shame to report that the spinach flavor was notably weak. I can’t say this was an unpleasant observation, but it definitely degraded the quality of the product. If it says spinach on the box, I need to taste (and see) some spinach in there.

Sample 2:
The next sample had all the external markings of a winner. The crust was flaky and crisp on the outside and gave way to a firm, but gentle inner layer. That’s about where the goodness ended for this poor sandwich. The seasoning in the filling brutally overpowered any of the other flavors, a typical Hot and Lean Pocket failing. The Pocket powers that be should take this research to heart if they plan on producing a more balanced Lean Pocket. Even more alarming than the seasoning explosion was the realization that this sample was severely lacking any substantial filling. The cheese was more or less the champion of the innards, of which there were almost none. I was disappointed with Sample 2. The near-perfect crust may have been what kept me from tossing the remaining half back through the hole in the wall.

Conclusion:
Sample 2 committed the most egregious of the offenses. The only consolation for the sub-par filling was the delectable crust. The Pocket purveyors would do well by stuffing the crust from Sample 2 with the filling from Sample 1 and pumping up the spinach content.

I’ll spare you the travel details for the following day’s taste test. This time, I’d have my shot at two Chicken Broccoli and Cheddar Whole Grain Lean Pockets. Oh, and five more greenbacks. Yes, it was a good week.

Sample 1:
The first bite of the sample greeted my palate with balanced flavors. The cheese that bubbled forth from the wound I had struck in the exquisite crust was tangy and carried with it notes of chicken and the tiniest bits of broccoli. The chicken weaved itself delicately into the comforting and complex inner seasoning. Continuing on, I discovered that the broccoli chunks were testing the seams of this piece of microwaved heaven. Some would argue that mammoth cubes of broccoli should have detracted from the meal, but I would counter that it pushed the limits of Pocket creativity. It showed some gusto in having the audacity to offer mouthfuls of vegetables in a food-stuff that rarely highlights anything but dairy and game. It was over all too soon. This was the Pocket to beat.

Sample 2:
I’d be lying if I didn’t say that the second sample approached the staggering quality of the first. The difference was, not surprisingly, that the broccoli content was scaled back a considerable amount. The experience suffered somewhat from lack of texture but not enough to dock big points. To my surprise, the cheese was actually sharper and zestier in this sample. The chicken content and flavor were altogether powerful and pleasing. I had no qualms about finishing this Pocket (and nearly licking the plate).

Conclusion:
The Chicken Broccoli and Cheddar Whole Grain Lean Pocket is a winner all around. If the commercial product is adjusted to meet the quality of the taste tests then consumers can rest assured that they will always have a solid product waiting for them in the frozen food aisle. I’m crossing my fingers for that unforgettable mob of broccoli.

By now, I shouldn’t have to sell you on the benefits of being a taste tester. You, too, can enjoy paid meals and the knowledge that your contributions help shape the future of our favorite products. Get out there and start eating.

Want more reviews? Heat Eat Review has an entire section of Hot Pockets reviews.

Price: $8.99
Serving: 1/2 package, 12oz.
Calories: 570 per serving
Fat: 48%, 31g
  Saturated Fat: 48%, 31g
  Trans Fat: 2g
Cholesterol: 58%, 175mg
Sodium: 47%, 1130mg
Protein: 25g
Carbohydrates: 13%, 40g
Fiber: 12%, 3g
Sugar: 4g
Weight Watchers Points: 13 per serving

Bertolli says: The classic Italian favorite now made simple to enjoy. Farfalle pasta cooks up al dente. Grilled white chicken meat and tender spinach are prepared in a luscious sauce made with with wine and Parmesan—Romano cheese. A delightful, inviting meal.

Nicole says: (Disclaimer) Meal provided by marketing representatives from Unilever.

Mike says: You realize the cat is licking the bowl, right?

Nicole says: I guess nobody’s going to want to eat at your house now.

Mike says: Now he’s cleaning himself, just like you were after scooping the parmesan-romano cheese sauce out of the bowl with your fingers. Guess we still can’t take you out to a proper restaurant until you learn some proper table manners.

Nicole says: So you’re the picky one; you’re the cook. You’re the one who actually used a food thermometer to check the temperature as recommended by Bertolli on the package.

Mike says: Yep. It was 165 degrees F at exactly 10 minutes over medium heat with one turn. Surprising, given that instructions for these meals is usually way off. BERTOLLI!

Nicole says: The chicken pieces were larger than average for a frozen pre-mixed meal. The texture was good and the flavor didn’t matter because the sauce was deliciously cheesy. Also, it’s nice to have grilled chicken is a frozen meal that doesn’t have fake grill marks.

Mike says: Yeah, who do these other companies think they’re foolin’? I’m not a chef, by any means, but I like to cook and I’m amazed that the pasta came out al dente as promised by Bertolli’s package blurb. BERTOLLI!

Nicole says: The spinach portion was generous, and the flavor quite nice. It did pair well with the cheese sauce.

Mike says: And the recommended wine (Pinot Grigio) was right on. Not that I drink any other white wine than Pinot Grigio.

Nicole says: If I didn’t have you to cook for me, there would always be a bag of this in the freezer right next to the chicken fried steak. You know, for those times that I’m feeling healthy-like. Although, I guess 85 percent RDA saturated fat per serving isn’t so hot. Also, I would eat the whole bag myself (two servings).

Mike says: I’m used to 1,000 calorie dinners (sans wine), so I’d suggest a side of garlic bread and maybe an appetizer. I wonder if you still would’ve licked your fingers if you had some garlic bread to soak up the cheese sauce.

Nicole says: Bertolli’s serving size is quite small for someone with a healthy appetite. Amen on the garlic bread. Why didn’t you think of that earlier?

Mike says: I did think about it, but it seemed like too much work, which is why we ate this meal in the first place. I like cooking, using fresh ingredients, et cetera, but I was hungry and really didn’t feel like breaking out the knives. I would probably buy this meal if it were half price but, like you said, I’d probably eat the whole thing; maybe save a little for a midnight snack. BERTOLLI! I forgot to say that the last couple of times. I’m hungry again.

Nicole says: Yeah, we’ll have to have a snack later. But it was tasty and I did pick this one because it’s a lighter taste. The ingredients were quite fresh for a frozen meal.

Mike says: Yep. Tasty, creamy, texture-y; the chicken was saltier (in a good way) than the sauce and was very tender; superb, just small for my big stomach. BERTOLLI!

Nicole says: I don’t like your punctuation.

Mike says: And

Nicole says: You did add salt, pepper, and freshly grated cheese to your portion. I do think a dash of pepper would be helpful, but the sauce is fabulous as is. CHEESE!

Mike says: My rating is strictly based on the first half of the meal without the addition of spices and extra cheese. CHEESE! No. BERTOLLI!

Nicole says: (shrugs shoulders)

Mike says: BERTOLLI!

Nicole says: I wonder if people will realize you’re referencing Bertolli’s television commercials. I also wonder how many times you’ve typed Bertolli in this review. Are they paying you in addition to giving you free meals?

Mike says: BERTOLLI!

Nicole says: CHEESE!

[Right now there are $2.00 of coupons on Bertolli's website (you can enter fake info to get them - hook up/turn on your printer BEFORE you complete the form). Combine one of those coupons with a store sale and you can probably get this meal for $5.00 or less. - Editrix]