Hormel says: Santa Fe Style Chicken with Rice, Black Beans & Fire Roasted Corn.

Nicole says:

I know that reviews are supposed to be objective, but they are also supposed to be honest. The idea of shelf-stable meats outside of a can (soup, tuna) scares me. I have tried it before, and it was . . . okay . . . but definitely not “good”.

And that was not chicken.

There was initial comfort: when I tried to poke “several slits” in the heavy plastic seal on this meal with my fork, it proved impossible. This is a good seal. I had to use the knife we keep in the office for ice cream cakes.

Note about cooking: the alternative to microwave coking this meal is to simmer it while sealed in a pot of boiling water. I suggest you campers keep this in mind.

The aroma of the cooked meal (90 seconds is a REALLY quick cooking time) was heavy with tomato sauce. And the flavor is very heavy on tomato - it even overpowers the beans, which I expected to taste as the primary but they just peek through the sauce, though they are nicely cooked - firm enough to have texture but not hard - no “mush” there.

The corn has completely taken on tomato flavor, but it has retained it’s crunch. And I know you’re going to ask - yes, it it blackened in spots since it’s “fire roasted”.

The chicken is the thing I really don’t want to think about. In reality, the texture is better than the chalky texture that results from some microwaved frozen meals or the hard edges from others. This is moist, and it tastes like tomato sauce.

The rice is just saucy rice. All ingredients (there are actually two types of beans) are fairly represented throughout the meal, including a couple chunks of stewed tomato.

There is nothing wrong with this meal - the one major complaint would be that all the ingredients have the same flavor, though they distinguish themselves texturally. It’d be nice to taste corn and chicken as well.

But it is more than that. Hormel is going to have to work hard for the average person to conceive realistically of grabbing a plastic tray of chicken and rice off the shelf, heating it for less than two minutes, and consuming it. Maybe it’s not actually different than a can of soup, but we’ve been eating out of cans since people were speaking Aramaic, or nearly that long. I am sure there were cowboys eating out of cans before the Hollywood cowboys did so. We are in a plastic age, but have we advanced mentally far enough for it to preserve all our foods? Kudos to the technology, but I can’t get into it yet. It’ll take several more experiments and a couple more years before it feels “right”.

Or, please just put it in a can. Doubly beneficial, as I know I can recycle a can - this plastic tray is polypropylene, and I’m not sure if my building accepts it. And my stomach will be far more welcoming. Sure, I’ll need to pour it into a dish to cook it, which means there will be dishes to do, but I’d rather dirty dishes than slight nausea throughout lunch.

This isn’t a bad meal. It’s not bland, though it is one-note. It’s reasonably filling for it’s size and caloric content, likely because it has rice and beans and chicken (though also because my stomach shrinks when it’s afraid - sorry.) If you can mentally put aside the packaging and you like simple canned soups, you would most likely enjoy this meal. And it’s sooo healthy compared to even many of your Lean Cuisine meals. I just can’t handle it.

Green Giant says: Sliced carrots, zucchini quarters and sliced green beans lightly tossed with rosemary butter sauce

Abi says: I’m in Las Vegas right now for the Food Marketing Institute’s annual convention. So far I have attended seminars on food trends and sampled a lot of truly odd items, including an energy drink that contains collagen.

During one session about the latest and greatest items in the processed food world, the speaker highlighted functional foods (also known as Nutraceuticals, which I often confuse with [don’t click on this link ->] Neuticles). She showed images of this item, the Green Giant Healthy Weight Vegetables and the Green Giant Immunity Boost. The last of which I haven’t purchased because peppers will inevitably turn mushy and I don’t feel like heating up a steam bag full of disappointment.

Basically, she talked about how companies are simply combining things that are already good for you and making catchy names. It is slightly different than products like Vitamin Water, which isolate supposedly healthy items and mix them with coloring and sugar.

In this case, Green Giant provides the consumer with thickly sliced carrot coins, still-crisp green beans and mushy, off-putting zucchini, all drenched in a buttery rosemary sauce. A rosemary sauce that features the equivalent of a single leaf of rosemary.

Once again, this is not really enough vegetables for two people, especially when you realize that the zucchini, which makes up a significant portion of the meal, is pretty unfantastic. I’d approximate entire package as having the volume of approximately 1.75 keyboard mice. Mouses. Computer-based pointing devices. The mouse was invented just a few miles from where I live. I am slightly obsessed with it, though I use them rarely.

I am not obsessed with the butter-like sauce, which features a distinctly unnatural viscosity. It turns out that enzyme modified butter is butter that’s been melted, had water added to it and then been treated with an enzyme to release the chemical chains that are holding back the intense butter flavor we all love. The enzyme they use? Streptococcus lactis.

I took a crash course in flavor chemistry because it tastes fake and takes away from the vegetables rather than adding to them. While I enjoy a bit of seasoning, I don’t need my greens greased.

Also, I still have to wear glasses. Way to go, Green Giant.

Smart Ones says: Smart Ones Fruit Inspirations meals are delicious new recipes inspired by the natural goodness of fruit. Now you can make every bite count with wonderful dishes that combine the intense flavor of real fruit into your everyday meals of juicy meat or poultry and crisp vegetables. Smart Ones. Taste so good, you want to be good.

Jess says: I recently opted to attend a sales and marketing training held by my company. I was actually glad I went as it was pretty interesting and there were thankfully no Glengarry Glen Ross references. Now, with my new sales maverick skills I can see right through Smart Ones thinly veiled marketing ploy with this line of meals. These are not new frozen meals using fruit in innovative ways but rather they are established fruit-using items. It is not inspirational to add cranberries to turkey and stuffing, nor is it revolutionary to use a citrus sauce for a chicken and rice dish. These items are merely being rebranded so as to now appear new, interesting and different and cause the jaded microwave meal eater to choose this meal from among the large freezer case aisle of sameness.

Does the marketing ploy taint the deliciousness? Not for this meal. The sauce was quite good if you appreciate a good sweet and sour syrupyness to your lunch. This, incidentally, is not Abi, which she will tell you with passion if you mention such food items. I do love sweet and sour flavor blends and so I made sure to get fork fulls of that corn starchy goop with each bite of rice and chicken. The orange essence is definitely palpable here, in a good way. I think that is because they use orange juice concentrate. So if you are not an orange person a) why did you even think about this meal? And b) it does taste like orange, so don’t eat it. However, back to marketing ploys, you will see on the box large orange chunks of what look like juicy mandarin oranges. Not so in real life my friend, at least not in my box. I did sometimes see orange hued strings that could have once belonged to an intact orange but this was just my best guess because of the context clues. The pepper bits were also much much smaller in real life. The chicken pieces were ample. The breading got a little too soggy for my liking, but they tasted just fine.

Overall, Orange Sesame Chicken was pretty filling for a Smart Ones meal. It is pretty much on the same level as Lean Cuisine’s Sweet and Sour Chicken, which I will purchase whenever it is on sale. This meal was entirely worth the nothing I paid for this. Oh that’s right. I’m a deal maker now! Always be closing, readers, always be closing.

[This meal from free from the folks at Smart Ones’ Public Relations company -Ed.]

Stouffer’s says: Italian sausage, genoa salami and bacon in a spicy arrabbiata sauce, topped with a blend of mozzarella, parmesan, asiago and romano cheeses.

Abi says: You might notice that there are some distinct differences between my Stouffer’s Flatbread and the one shown in the photo on the box. For instance, mine seems to be missing a significant amount of cheese. Also, the meat appears minimally and in a highly chunky, unintegrated form. It is as though the Genoa salami first destroyed the baco culture, then decided that segregation was a reasonable way of life in frozen pizza land. You can see that they’ve colonized the southern end of the flatbread, making way for a salami-centric way of life.

Or perhaps they are following in Columbus’s footsteps and exploring the next frontier for pizza-topping-kind. He was from Genoa.

I didn’t realize until consuming this flatbread that I do not enjoy chunks of salami. Each piece intruded on the pizza-eating experience like the nubs of fatty, well-cooked pencil erasers, a textural sensation I can do without.

The saving grace of this meal is the well-herbed flatbread. It bursts with flavor and makes me with that it came unadorned with perhaps little packets of balsamic vineager and olive oil for dipping. Though, I can just imagine the trouble involved in defrosting condiments. Okay, maybe Stouffer’s should just sell the flatbread on its own as a pizza crust or dinner starting point.

With more care given to the toppings (and maybe more toppings, because where they heck are those 12 Weight Watchers Points coming from, anyways?) this pizza could be a decent appetizer. With improvements I would bake it in the microwave (adequate) or oven (better) and cut each one into small rectangles, perfect for serving to friends during the Stanley Cup Finals. With improvements.

Smart Ones says: Breast strips with rib meat and penne in a creamy red pepper sauce with broccoli.

Sarah says: In comparison to my review of Smart Ones Roast Beef, where I was pleasantly surprised by a meal that I expected not to love, this meal was a sharp turn for the worse. I think that my expectations were simply way too high - this is yet another case of a horribly misleading and delicious-looking cover gone wrong. Everything about this little frozen meal called out to me. Whole grain wheat pasta? Check! Broccoli, my favorite frozen vegetable? Check! Some sort of sauce that’s sorta-creamy-and-sorta-spicy? CHECK! In addition to all of that, South Beach is apparently not eco-friendly, as their meal comes in a box that takes up approximately double the space that my Smart Ones takes, even though the meal is just 1.5 ounces heavier. This was yet another factor in my high expectations, as I extremely hungry when I selected the gargantuan parcel out of my freezer at lunchtime. Big box = big taste, right?

Not so much. The first let-down of the meal was the broccoli. I always eat the veggies first, because I’m a slightly OCD weirdo who likes to separate their foods and eat them in order from “least favorite” to “favorite.” It’s pretty hard to mess up broccoli, but somehow South Beach has managed it. I can’t even tell you what it was, either. The broccoli just tasted slightly off. Like maybe it had been frozen and thawed and re-frozen one too many times.

Then there was the pasta, which I had hoped would redeem my rather pathetic vegetable experience. I think the biggest disappointment was with the “Red Pepper Sauce,” which I had expected to taste . . . oh, I don’t know . . . peppery? Instead, it just tasted like sauce. Just generic sauce, that you might find in a big plastic container located in an underground hatch on a mysterious island in the South Pacific. The pasta has a strange texture, but that’s par for the course when you’re dealing with whole wheat pasta, and I really felt like it might have been enjoyable (the chicken was just fine, too) if there had been non-Dharma sauce on top of it.

Oh well, I guess that’s what you get for buying any meal with the word “diet” on the front of the package. Too bad I have two other South Beach items left in the freezer to try.

[The South Beach Diet is now known as South Beach Living. Also, if you’re into Lost but you’re never sure if this week’s episode will be new or a rerun, I recommend you check out Is Lost a Repeat?, a highly accurate, superbly informational website. -Ed.]