Price: $1.25 (note if not US dollars)
Serving: 4.6oz.
Calories: 370 per serving
Fat: 27%, 18g
Cholesterol: 13%, 40mg
Sodium: 35%, 840 mg
Protein: 19g
Carbohydrates: 37g
Fiber: 6%, 1g
Sugar: 7g
Weight Watchers Points: 9 POINTS

Smiley’s says: Flame Broiled Patty Real American Cheese (I thought American cheese is processed cheese to begin with, how can there be “fake American cheese?) Microwavable Sesame Seed Bun

Chang says: About 10 years ago, grocery stores in China began selling pre-packaged hamburgers (with lettuce and various sauces, including thousand island dressing). I used to eat one everyday for breakfast (Why breakfast you ask? Well my grandmother would only cook me lunch and dinner.) Like all fad foods, this trend died down within three years, but I still get nostalgic whenever I eat low-quality hamburgers (by which I mean lower-than-McDonald’s)…

…which is the only reason why I gave this cheeseburger two stars instead of say one or zero.

I tweaked the microwaving a bit by nuking the bun first for about 20 seconds and heat the patty and the cheese separately so the bun won’t get soggy. At the first bite it did feel like ‘flame broiled”, but a few seconds later I realized I’ve been tricked by liquid smoke. Despite a lot of sodium the whole thing is bland (I thought I had a packet of ketchup stolen from Burger King in my drawer, but I couldn’t find it.) The worst part is the patty. You know how good burgers (scratch the “good”, even Burger King’s burgers) are supposed to juicy, greasy, and slightly chewy? Well this burger has the texture of…poor quality sausage patties (sans the flavor), it’s soft, almost soggy (but not juicy or greasy) and you can’t stop wondering what’s in it. (I can stop wondering now, the second and third ingredients are water and textured soy protein).

The best part in this cheeseburger is the bun, but then you can’t really mess up a hamburger bun, right?

{In effort to find the most disturbing cheeseburger-related video that did not involve cats, I present to you Twilight…..with Cheeseburgers – Ed.}

Price: $5.00
Serving: 1/3 pizza, 4.53oz
Calories: 350 per serving
 Calories from Fat: 162
Fat: 28%, 18g
 Saturated Fat: 40%, 8g
 Trans Fat: 1g
Cholesterol: 12%, 35mg
Sodium: 33%, 800mg
Protein: 16g
Carbohydrates: 10%, 31g
Fiber: 8%, 2g
Sugar: 3g
Weight Watchers: 9 POINTS

California Pizza Kitchen says: Crispy thin pizza topped with two types of pepperoni, diced tomatoes, tomato sauce, mozzarella cheeses, fontina cheese, and smoked gouda cheese. US inspected and passed by Department of Agriculture. Not ready to eat.

Abi says: After slicing this up and serving it, my husband looked at his 2 slices of pizza and asked “Did you take all of the pepperoni?”

“No,” I replied “that’s how much comes on each piece.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure. I just baked it.”

“I don’t think we should buy this anymore.”

And we haven’t purchased it since. Oh, we’ve had the Sicilian Meat Lovers pizza and the Barbecue Chicken and the Garlic Chicken, but we haven’t gone back to the pathetic pepperoni pizza.

I’m always a bit disgruntled when the picture on a box of food is dramatically different from what comes out of the box. I don’t expect my dry cereal to come with milk. And I don’t assume a box of Bisquick will magically turn into pancakes on its own. What gets me miffed are “serving suggestions” that show twice as much chicken or pepperoni or pieces of broccoli as actually comes in the package.

The “serving suggestion” is about adding other ingredients or products, not about telling me to buy two pizzas and then cannibalize one of them so that I can have more than 1.25 slices of pepperoni per slice of pizza.

Aside from the pepperoni shortage, this is a decent pizza: the sauce is savory rather than sweet, the cheese covers the entire pizza without turning into a stringy shield of goo, and the crust is divinely crisp. This is fantastic crust. Lovely crust. Delicious crust. This is thin, airy not-too-crunchy crust.

But even a great crust cannot make up for the lack of pepperoni. The shortage is beyond irksome, especially on a “gourmet” frozen pizza. The picture on the box shows THREE TIMES the amount of actual pepperoni that comes on this pizza. THREE TIMES. ARgh.

Ingredients: Wheat Flour, Water, Tomatoes, Pepperoni (Pork and Beef, Salt, Water, Spices, Dextrose, Natural Smoke Flavor, Lactic Acid Starter Culture, Oleoresin Paprika, Flavoring, Sodium Nitrite, BHA, BHT, Citric Acid), Pepperoni (Pork, Beef, Salt, Sugar, Spices, Paprika, Lactic Acid Starter Culture, Oleoresin of Paprika, Sodium Ascorbate, Flavoring, Sodium Nitrite, BHA, BHT, Citric Acid), Diced Mozzarella Cheese (Pasteurized Milk, Skim Milk, Cheese Culture, Salt, Enzymes), Shredded Low Moisture Part Skim Mozzarella Cheese (Part-Skim Milk, Cheese Culture, Salt, Enzymes), Shredded Fontina Cheese (Pasteurized Milk, Cheese Culture, Salt, Enzymes), Shredded Smoked Gouda Cheese (Pasteurized Part-Skim Milk, Cheese Culture, Salt, Enzymes, Annatto [Color], Smoke Flavor), Tomato Paste, Tomato Juice, Contains Less than 2% of Soybean Oil, Partially Hydrogenated Soybean and Cottonseed Oil, Sugar, Grated Parmesan Cheese (Pasteurized Part-Skim Milk, Cheese Culture, Salt, Enzymes, [Potassium Sorbate to Protect Flavor]), Salt, Olive Oil, Yeast, Garlic, Mono- and Diglycerides, Spice, Citric Acid, Artificial Flavor, Sodium Citrate, Xanthan Gum, Soy Lecithin, Flavor, Beta Carotene (Color).

Price: $3.67
Serving: 6 oz.
Calories: 400 per serving
Fat: 28%, 18g
Cholesterol: 12%, 35mg
Sodium: 27%, 650mg
Protein: 23g
Carbohydrates: 12%, 37g
Fiber: 20%, 5g
Sugar: 2g
Weight Watchers: 9 POINTS

Alexia says: All natural Gourmet Quality Tuscan Style Panini, Grilled Chicken Pesto with Mozzarella on Italian Style Herb Bread made with Extra Virgin Olive Oil.

Erin says: I love it when things are crispy out of the microwave, each time it happens I feel like a little miracle is occurring in my kitchen. With that preference in mind, I like to try all of the new panini on the market, and couldn’t resist this Alexia pesto one even at the high price of nearly $4.00. Sure, the Lean Cuisine versions are passable but this twice-as-expensive panino should be really good.

The instructions are standard: flip the box inside out and put the sandwich halves on the crisping tray. Be careful not to open up the sides because than you’ll have to do some fancy folding and hope nothing collapses in the cooking process.

The look of the panino is less standard: I don’t often eat things that are grayish green and purple, as those colors usually indicate something that is passed its prime, but I suppose those colors are normal when you’re looking at the results of freezing herbs and vegetables.

And then there’s the steep learning curve required by this meal: following the assembly instructions of making a taco with the crisping tray is a good way to burn your hands (even after the prescribed cooling time). I’m using a spatula next time (even if I have to wash it) because I’d rather save my fingers than endure panini-based pain. And then when I did put together the panino I was depressed because it was so puny! I didn’t pay $4.00 for something about the size of half a sandwich you’d make out of a loaf of regular old bread.

But maybe I’d be saved by the actual ingredients. That’s where high prices come into play, right? Wrong. For all of that green and purple, this sandwich is monotonously bland. In particular, the vaunted herbed bread might as well have been white because the little flecks added zero flavor. Other than the bread the two overwhelming flavors are of sweet onions and microwaved chicken. Delish. Considering the small size of the sandwich, there were too many slimy, overly sweet onions. And the chicken! I’ve had chopped and formed chicken patties that had to be cooked in a little pool of water and had plenty of additives like caramel color that tasted just like this chicken. I focus on the onions and chicken so much because the pesto was visually present, but remained a too-subtle background note. I could taste it a little but wanted a lot more. Alexia could also save me a few calories (this sandwich comes in at 400) by foregoing the cheese: it tasted like air.

Alexia, I do appreciate a sandwich without red peppers (they are few and far between in the frozen food world), but you should include a decent amount of pesto on your pesto sandwich… because now it should be called a grilled microwaved chicken sweet and slimy onion sandwich.

Price: $2.54
Serving: 1 package, 10.2oz
Calories: 430 per serving
 Calories from Fat: 120
Fat: 20%, 13g
 Saturated Fat: 15%, 3g
 Trans Fat: 0%, 0g
Cholesterol: 10%, 30mg
Sodium: 29%, 700mg
Protein: 15g
Carbohydrates: 20%, 61g
Fiber: 32%, 8g
Sugar: 20g
Weight Watchers Points: 9 POINTS

Kid Cuisine says: It’s awesome! Everyone loves spaghetti. Twist it, twirl it, sprinkle it, and slurp it. There are lots of ways to eat spaghetti, so your child will have fun eating it his or her way. This meal is an excellent source of protein and fiber and a good source of seven vitamins and minerals. It contains Spaghetti with Premium Beef Mini Meatballs, Corn, Chocolate Brownie, Parmesan Cheese Packet.

Abi says: It isn’t often one encounters a meal that can also serve as a murder weapon.

Update: Thanks so much for the feedback! I’m going to rerelease the video tonight with a smaller version for iTunes (and easier online streaming video) and I’ll take out the music that plays during the review.

Photo credits:
Rabbit by peterastn
Chef Boyardee by Asia Sky
Whiskers the Guinea Pig by David Masters