Price: $6.00 (on sale)
Serving: 1/3 pizza, 4.78 oz.
Calories: 360
Fat: 20%, 13g
Cholesterol: 12%, 35mg
Sodium: 28%, 660mg
Protein: 17g
Carbs: 15%, 45g
Fiber: 8%, 2g
Sugar: 13g
Weight Watchers Points: 8 points

Wolfgang Puck says: Mozzarella, seasoned chicken, roasted red onions

Abi says: Recently enamored of the six-word memoir, I challenged myself to write a six word review of this pizza. While that may be enough for a life, it was too brief a description for pizza. Sure, I tried:

But in the end, I decided to write a real review. I had one of those nights where I didn’t want to have a side salad or steamed vegetables or even carrots drowned in ranch. No, I wanted to eat an entire pizza by myself.

I did not accomplish this task. Instead, I ate 3/4 of this pizza, accepting defeat when I finally got to the pool of watery cheese and too-soft crust at the center. Now, this watery center problem may just be an issue with the ovens of friends in Southeast DC. Here in my Northern California oven (and previously in my Northwest DC oven) I never had this watery-center issue.

Examining this pizza from the top down, the chunks of chicken were plentiful and peppery, with just one featuring the gristle that we’ve all come to know and love from animals made into foodstuffs. The cheese is one-note mozzarella. There’s plenty of it, but it is also boring. I’d really like to see a more interesting set of flavor profiles from a pizza that claims to be designed by Wolfgang Puck. Just a little nutty gruyere or a tangy cheddar could make a world of difference. I’m sure that Wolfgang could figure out something fun. The red onion was largely absent, a lack I overlooked because I was so pleased about the amount of chicken on this pizza. A well-balanced meal this is not.

The barbecue sauce here was fantastically light, hinting at the essence of barbecue sauce rather than gumming up the works with loads of sugary goo. I thought I’d be disappointed with the absence of thick sauce, but this version definitely has me rethinking my ideas on barbecue pizzas. The crust is right up there with the magnificently crisp and light (but not crackery or dry) crusts from Amy’s Kitchen.

The wet center and lack of onions aside (issue 1 was my fault, issue 2 was Mr. Puck’s), this is a solid contender for frozen BBQ chicken pizza. The chicken is miles ahead of similar store-brand offerings, but I still need to try the California Pizza Kitchen version. At $6.00 on sale, this pizza is selling for a whole lot more than the manufacturer’s suggested retail price of $5.99. But considering that this pizza with a side salad could easily satisfy two adults, I’d rate this a good buy so long as it was on sale.

Price: $2.04 at Target
Serving: 1 Meal, 7.6oz.
Calories: 390
Fat: 17%, 11g
Cholesterol: 7%, 20mg
Sodium: 19%, 460mg
Protein: 14g
Carbohydrates: 19%, 57g
Fiber: 20%, 5g
Sugar: 16g
Weight Watchers Points: 8 Points

Kid Cuisine says: Just when you thought it was safe to finish the fish sticks -da dum, da dum - along come our fruit Gummy Shark Snacks. A whale of a meal!

Abi says: This meal wasn’t so much a lunch as an act of vengeance. If you’ve been doing some sinning lately (Fat Tuesday festivities and poor voting choices on Super Tuesday both come to mind), you could always choose this meal as part of a Friday Lenten penance. It must be worth at least 40 Hail Marys.

I am fortunate in knowing that this is probably the worst video I’ll ever make and the worst item I’ve ever consumed: it can only get better from here. Please leave comments below for future video subjects and suggestions for improvement.

Thanks,
Abi Jones

Price: $5.19
Serving: 1 bowl, 9.5oz.
Calories: 390
Fat: 28%, 18g
Cholesterol: 8%, 25mg
Sodium: 33%, 780mg
Protein: 18g
Carbs: 14%, 41g
Fiber: 28%, 7g
Weight Watchers Points: 8 Points

Amy’s Kitchen says: This casserole is based on a popular Mexican dish called “Chilaquiles.” When Amy’s parents first tasted it in Oaxaca they came back and asked Amy’s chefs to find the recipe. One of the chefs (whose family had owned a Mexican restaurant in San Francisco) was already familiar with the dish and adapted it to suit Amy’s Standards . . . organic ingredients, fewer “hot” spices, and less fat. The result is delicious and might remind you of a bowl of “nachos” made with organic baked corn chips and melted cheddar and jack cheeses. Plus . . . an assortment of organic vegetables and our own homemade fresh tofu. On the side are delicately seasoned slow-cooked black beans, making this gluten free meal in a bowl thoroughly satisfying.

Abi says: My apologies for the longest frozen food origin explanation in the world. It seems that the people at Amy’s Kitchen (and hey, if y’all are reading this, can I come visit you and tour the factory? Please?) ate a version of my most favorite hangover food EVER, came back to the United States, de-Mexicanized it, added tofu, and are now selling it as tortilla casserole.

When I saw this at the grocery store I was unnaturally excited about a frozen product. I was so eager to try this that I broke my cardinal rule of frozen food and paid a full $5.19 for this bowl.

As a person of Latin American heritage and a general enjoyer of food, I understand now that I made a mistake. Now I know how Italians feel when they think of Chef Boyardee. Where are the layers of flavor usually evident in Amy’s Kitchen meals? Where is the cheese? Why does the tofu have to be so obviously tofu-looking?

This bowl is full of mushy corn tortillas, bland tomato sauce (it would seem a shame to call it salsa or mole), and a healthy side of black beans. I know that it is possible to make a completely awesome meal out of those ingredients. However, this meal is not awesome. The bowl is filling, but it is also boring. It is so boring that at one point while eating it (during an I-want-to-be-President debate) I said out loud “Wow, this is boring.” and George asked “Hillary?” and I said “Well, her too, but I was talking about this meal.” And then he looked at it in a way that said ‘Yeah, it is not as good as my microwaved mini pizza.’

When something from Amy’s Kitchen is beat by a 79¢ pizza, you know there’s a problem. This meal makes me sad because I worry that an entire generation of healthful frozen food eating Americans are going to think of tortilla casserole or chilaquiles and they’ll think of this bowl.

This isn’t how it is folks and this isn’t how it has to be. If you’re looking for something Mexicanish and in the Amy’s Kitchen line, stick with the Santa Fe Enchilada Bowl, the Cheese Enchilada Meal or the Mexican Tamale Pie (just 2 points). Any of those is a terrific alternative to this dud.

Price: $2.50 (sale at Safeway)
Serving: 1 pizza, 5.4oz.
Calories: 350
Fat: 23%, 15g
Cholesterol: 10%, 30mg
Sodium: 46%, 1090mg
Protein: 15g
Carbs: 14%, 41g
Fiber: 7%, 2g
Weight Watchers Points: 8 Points

Red Baron says: Introducing delicious Red Baron singles made with the finest ingredients, quality toppings and real cheeses. They make the perfect addition to lunch or dinner, or as a wholesome snack on the go.

This review was ghost-written. George ate the pizza, then Abi asked him about it and put together the text. Then George checked it and said “I write pretty good reviews.”

George says: Grad school isn’t easy. What’s even tougher is living with someone who takes up most of the freezer with off-limits frozen food. Fortunately, Red Baron was on sale at Safeway and I picked up a couple of boxes for just $2.50 each.

One of the features that differentiates this pizza from others is the no-hassle crisping tray. I don’t have to mess around with assembling the tray or unwrapping the pizza and placing it on a poorly constructed tray. I just have to unwrap the pizza, replace the pepperonis that came off when I turned the box upside down, and throw the pizza in the microwave.

Speaking of pepperoni, the pieces on this pizza are ample, ensuring a bit of pepperoni in almost every bite. The cheese is fine, nothing special, but contributing to the making of an overall decent pizza. The sauce is pretty great, but the real highlight of this pizza is the crust. The bread isn’t watery, a hallmark of many cheap pizzas. Instead it tastes like crusty, crispy French Bread, which is very good considering that this is a French Bread Pizza.

A single French Bread pizza isn’t a big meal, but it has just as much volume (maybe more) as one of those 79¢ party pizzas. And those have much sparser cheese and nearly non-existent toppings.

I recommend picking up a box or two whenever you see them on sale. You really can’t beat the price of $1.25 each for reliable, satisfying French Bread pizza.