Price: $2.59
Serving: 1 corn dog, 2.5oz.
Calories: 160
Fat: 5%, 3.5g
Cholesterol: 0%, 0mg
Sodium: 23%, 560mg
Protein: 9g
Carbs: 7%, 22g
Fiber: 4%, 1g
Sugar: 4g
Weight Watchers Points: 3 Points

Trader Joe says: Low Fat, 4 grams of Soy Protein per Serving

Abi says: Yes, I’m still on the eternal quest for the perfect corn dog. I want something that reminds me of a carnival, complete with funnel cakes, rickety ferris wheels and goldfish that meet unfortunate deaths via ping-pong ball games.

Trader Joe’s meatless version comes nowhere near the actuality of a corn dog. I find this confusing because the meat in corn dogs is so far away from actual animal muscle that I’m surprised it can’t be replicated with vegetable products. I suspect that my Morningstar Sausage-related hypothesis of the need for connective tissue comes into play here as well.

The first problem with these corn dogs is the lack of snap. I know, that sounds disgusting. It is disgusting. And there’s no way to describe ’snap’ better than the resistance a hot dog has to being eaten. Yes, I judge food based on how much it doesn’t want to be consumed. The second problem with these corn dogs is the batter. Even after being baked in a real oven the interior of the cornbread breading was wet rather than fluffy. Considering that I base a large portion of my food judgments on texture it wasn’t surprising that I only took a couple of bites of the corn dog.

The box of three leftover corn dogs then sat in my freezer for a month before I decided to toss them in favor or newer, more exciting frozen items.

I don’t buy fake meats for my own amusement. I buy them because I think there’s a chance they’ll make plausible substitutes for real, less-healthy meats. I buy them hoping that I can lower the amount of fossil fuels used to create my meals (and yet I run this website). And I buy them with the hope that someday cloned, cultured meat will exist and I won’t have to make these choices anymore.

Further information on meat:

1. Hot Dog Reviews at Slate.com
2. Cloned/Cultured meat
3. Reviews of healthy food at the new Nationals stadium

Price: 79¢ at Target
Serving: 1 cup, 2.05oz. (+ water)
Calories: 220
Fat: 7%, 4.5g
Cholesterol: 2%, 5mg
Sodium: 25%, 590mg
Protein: 7g
Carbohydrates: 13%, 39g
Fiber: 4%, 1g
Sugar: 6g
Weight Watchers Points: 3 Points

Kraft says: Made with Kraft cheese, garlic and other spices

Abi says: I sincerely enjoy Kraft’s Easy Mac microwave cups. I know that they create waste and cost too much, but they are the perfect amount of salty, cheesy macaroni product. I like them so much that even though I had multiple other varieties of the cups in my cupboard, I kept buying the Three Cheese version and ignoring the Regular, Alfredo and Bacon varieties. Yes, Bacon.

I finally told myself that I couldn’t buy another cup of Kraft Mac and Cheese (even if they were on sale) until I tried the other types. And now I know why I should trust my instincts and stop making arbitrary rules for myself.

This cup featured flavorless, slimy noodles in a sauce that so closely resembled a certain bodily fluid that I didn’t want to go near it. The noodles are similar to the pseudo-egg noodles one finds in a box of Pasta-Roni; about 1.5 inches long, a bit wavy and quite thin. These noodles are difficult to stab with a fork and thus I had to scoop them up, which is not my preferred pasta-eating method.

I know, this sounds really nit-picky, but think about how you eat noodles. When using a fork do you stab or do you scoop? Comments welcome.

The sauce lacked the robust flavor I’ve come to enjoy in other Kraft products and couldn’t be helped even with a liberal application of Italian herbs, garlic and parmesan cheese. And when you’re adding cheese to macaroni and cheese you’ve got a problem. Plus, the cheese and spices needed a good base to rest on and flavor. If you start with bad it doesn’t matter how many herbs and spices you add, you’ll still end up with an awful sauce.

Buying this product is like throwing a dollar in the trash.

Price: $3.79
Serving: 8 pieces, 3oz.
Servings Per Bag: 6
Calories: 150
Fat: 7%, 4.5g
Cholesterol: 0%, 0mg
Sodium: 14%, 330mg
Protein: 2g
Carbohydrates: 8%, 24g
Fiber: 10%, 3g
Sugar: 0g
Weight Watchers Points: 3 Points

Alexia says: Fun and flavorful, Alexia’s New Waffle Fries are a delicious interpretation of the European Classic, Pommes Gaufrettes. Lightly seasoned with Sea Salt, Pepper, and just the right amount of onion and garlic, Alexia Waffle Fries make a fantastic snack or a great accompaniment to your favorite entree

Abi says: My original review notes from this meal say only:

Fries of awesome!!!!!!

I am not an egregious user of exclamation points, so you should trust me when I say that these are the best frozen fry products I’ve ever tasted. After lackluster experiences with both the Alexia onion rings and the Alexia potato wedges, I wasn’t expecting such a fun eating experience.

Before we really get into how these taste, you should know that yes, there are about 6 servings in the package and yes, 8 fries will be enough. I know, it doesn’t seem like it will work, but these are waffle fries. They are hefty.

I don’t know how it is for you, but there’s something about waffle fries that makes me feel like a kid again. They are fancifully shaped and somewhat reminiscent of county fairs and boardwalks. Fortunately, these waffle fries are more than fit for adults, too. They were not at all greasy, so you could definitely have some folks over for a movie or drinks night and heat up a pan of these in the oven. Except, you won’t want to do that. No, instead you’ll be wishing that these came in a resealable bag because you’re going to have them with your lunch every day for a week except that you won’t get six servings out of the bag because on Friday you’ll say to yourself “I could eat all of the fries left in this bag, no problem.” And you would be wrong because eating all of them and a corn dog will totally make you sick and you will regret it.

When gorging doesn’t come in to play, Alexia waffle fries are delicious in every context. I tried these plain, with ketchup, dipped in homemade fry sauce and drenched ranch. Flavorful and fantastic alone or with a sauce, I should try sprinkling these with parmesan and forego dipping altogether.

I’m not sure than another frozen fry can ever measure up, but I’m okay with that possibility so long as these fries exist.

Price: $2.00 on sale
Serving: 1 cup, 8.6oz.
Calories: 200 per serving
Fat: 3%, 2g
Cholesterol: 1%, 5mg
Sodium: 20%, 470mg
Protein: 7g
Carbohydrates: 13%, 40g
Fiber: 21%, 5g
Sugar: 9g
Weight Watchers Points: 3 Points

Healthy Choice says: Made with tender penne pasta and hearty cuts of carrots, celery, green beans and potatoes in a sweet & savory tomato base

Jess says: There is a really strange stomach bug going around right now. It’s super contagious. In fact you probably just caught it from me through the web of inter-tubes. Sorry, my bad. The thing about this bug is, while you only feel actually sick for a very short period time, you feel generally not so right for a long time after. For a while I tried curing myself on a diet of vodka and French Toast. As it turns out, that is not the best medicine. Now, I’ve switched to a diet of oatmeal and soup and that seems to be working much much better. Lately, I have become a bit of a soup-noisseur and I have to say that Healthy Choice Minestrone definitely gets it right. Here’s why:

1. It’s Healthy Choice - so it’s probably healthy? And thus I feel somewhat better about what I’m eating. Some of the other brands throw a lot of salt in or are cream-based and too heavy (though more and more low-cal soups are available). I always feel like kind of a nutjob when I am observed analyzing and comparing labels in the market. I liked that just by looking at this label I felt I was, well, making a healthy choice.
2. Lots and lots of veggies – I mean damn! Each spoonful was overloaded with vegetable goodness and at least one noodle, usually more. With a lot of other brands, (Campbell for instance) there are a lot of sad looking brothly spoonfuls with just a veggie fleck. I like broth and the broth of this minestrone is pretty hearty, tomatoey and basilriffic. But when 50% of your diet is soup, something with more substance is really appreciated. The veggies were plump, fresh-tasting (somehow) and flavorful. The beans were especially soft and delicious.
3. Flip top – perfect for eating at work where there is definitely not a can opener. Why are there still cans that aren’t flip top? Why do some companies resist the temptation to evolve and embrace technology? And is it inevitable that you will splatter soup all over you when removing that last connection of flip top to the can? I think so.
4. Bowl packaging - No need to steal other people’s Tupperware. Yay!
5. Filling and delicious – I am on the road to wellness now. I can feel it! In fact, I would even have this soup when I’m not sick! It was that good. And no refrigeration necessary! Bonus points.

Buon appetito!