Price: $2.00 on sale
Serving: 1/2 cup, 3oz.
Calories: 50
Fat: 4%, 3g
Cholesterol: 0%, 0mg
Sodium: 4%, 95mg
Protein: 2g
Carbs: 2%, 5g
Fiber: 7%, 2g
Sugar: 2g
Weight Watchers Points: 1 per serving

Green Giant says: No sauce, just enough liquid to cook

Abi says: I am currently watching television (hello, jet lag!) and there’s an ad for Axe Deodorant spray. Men, please listen to me: SPRAYING AXE ON YOURSELF IS NOT THE EQUIVALENT OF A SHOWER. I know, you’re thinking “Hey, it kills bacteria. I could just use that instead of taking a shower!” But then you would be wrong. You would be incorrect and odiferous. Nobody needs that.

While Axe Deodorant Spray might be one of the worst items to ever grace the shelves of a supermarket, one of my favorite vegetable finds are these green beans from Green Giant. If you already like green beans and you aren’t allergic to almonds, you should do yourself a favor and keep a couple boxes of these in the freezer.

I know, I know, you’re skeptical about the lack of sauce. I was worried about it too. And then I remembered that I don’t enjoy many of the butter sauces that come on microwaved vegetables. So if you’re addicted to those butter sauces your mileage may differ. I didn’t realize how much I like these until I bought my third package the other day and thought “Hmmm, I should probably review these to let other people know that they’re good.” And then I thought “Or not. Because what if I review them and they become super-popular and suddenly every store runs out of my current-favorite microwave vegetables?” But I don’t think that will be the case.

I followed the package instructions in microwaving the beans, then poured them into a bowl and drained the beans of all excess water. The draining is important. Drain your beans. If you don’t you’ll be quite disappointed and spend the rest of the day thinking to yourself ‘Why didn’t I listen to Abi?’ Once your beans are suitably dry, open up the roasted almonds, top your beans with said almonds and enjoy a bright green, surprisingly tasty side dish.

Do I have complaints about this meal? Of course I do. First, who the heck says that there are 2.5 servings in a package? I’m sick and tired of Green Giant’s slavish adherence to the idea that a serving of vegetables is 50 calories. This is especially funny and/or annoying to me because I would certainly call a single apple or a single grapefruit a serving, but according to the folks at Green Giant an apple would easily be more than one serving. Bah to that.

I appreciate the small package size because it makes the microwaving process fast. I do not appreciate the serving-size foolishness.

My other problem with this dish is the tiny packet of almonds. Why skimp, Green Giant? Okay, so I know why: almonds are expensive and full of calories. And you know what? These calories (in the form of almonds) are freaking delicious. Each almond sliver is a musky bite of smoke, balancing the vegetal green of the beans. More musky smoke, please.

Are these green beans better/cheaper/faster than green beans I can make at home? No. But they do use fewer dishes and I can always have a package in the freezer. You can’t say that about fresh beans.

Price: $3.79
Serving: 8 pieces, 3oz.
Servings Per Bag: 6
Calories: 150
Fat: 7%, 4.5g
Cholesterol: 0%, 0mg
Sodium: 14%, 330mg
Protein: 2g
Carbohydrates: 8%, 24g
Fiber: 10%, 3g
Sugar: 0g
Weight Watchers Points: 3 Points

Alexia says: Fun and flavorful, Alexia’s New Waffle Fries are a delicious interpretation of the European Classic, Pommes Gaufrettes. Lightly seasoned with Sea Salt, Pepper, and just the right amount of onion and garlic, Alexia Waffle Fries make a fantastic snack or a great accompaniment to your favorite entree

Abi says: My original review notes from this meal say only:

Fries of awesome!!!!!!

I am not an egregious user of exclamation points, so you should trust me when I say that these are the best frozen fry products I’ve ever tasted. After lackluster experiences with both the Alexia onion rings and the Alexia potato wedges, I wasn’t expecting such a fun eating experience.

Before we really get into how these taste, you should know that yes, there are about 6 servings in the package and yes, 8 fries will be enough. I know, it doesn’t seem like it will work, but these are waffle fries. They are hefty.

I don’t know how it is for you, but there’s something about waffle fries that makes me feel like a kid again. They are fancifully shaped and somewhat reminiscent of county fairs and boardwalks. Fortunately, these waffle fries are more than fit for adults, too. They were not at all greasy, so you could definitely have some folks over for a movie or drinks night and heat up a pan of these in the oven. Except, you won’t want to do that. No, instead you’ll be wishing that these came in a resealable bag because you’re going to have them with your lunch every day for a week except that you won’t get six servings out of the bag because on Friday you’ll say to yourself “I could eat all of the fries left in this bag, no problem.” And you would be wrong because eating all of them and a corn dog will totally make you sick and you will regret it.

When gorging doesn’t come in to play, Alexia waffle fries are delicious in every context. I tried these plain, with ketchup, dipped in homemade fry sauce and drenched ranch. Flavorful and fantastic alone or with a sauce, I should try sprinkling these with parmesan and forego dipping altogether.

I’m not sure than another frozen fry can ever measure up, but I’m okay with that possibility so long as these fries exist.

Price: $1.99
Serving: 1 container, 7.4oz.
Calories: 340 per serving
Fat: 4%, 2.5g
Cholesterol: 0%, 0mg
Sodium: 0%, 0mg
Protein: 7g
Carbs: 24%, 22g
Fiber: 12%, 3g
Weight Watchers Points: 6 Points

Trader Joe says: He doesn’t say this exactly, but I will paraphrase for you. Well, paraphrase if it meant “Taking longer to explain something that it would just take you to read it off the pakage, but the print is small so you just have to trust me on this one.” You can cook Trader Joe’s pre-cooked organic brown rice on the stove or in the microwave. The stove version involves submerging the entire package in boiling water for 10 minutes. If you have to resort to something like that, maybe you should just consider investing in a microwave or becoming friends with a microwave-owning neighbor.

Abi says: Whenever I eat brown rice I think of colon cancer. I don’t even know if there’s a link between colon cancer and fiber, but that’s what I think about. I also think about how I’m being a taste martyr for my colon. Because brown rice isn’t particularly tasty. Not that I eat it solo, but still, when you say brown rice is the first thought in your head:

1. Yum
2. Ugh
3. While not the tastiest thing on the planet, it is probably better for digestion than that fragrant jasmine rice I wish I was eating instead.

Hmmmm? I find this style of eating particularly depressing, the whole “I will eat this because it is good for me even though it tastes bad.” mantra is abominable. I only ate this because I purchased it. And I only purchased it because I have a sick fascination with shelf-stable items (see super-scary Taco Bell Bowlz Review by Andrew) and I like to eat rice with my from the pouch Indian food. Basically, it was a back-up for a time when I would be without Trader Joe’s Garlic Naan.

A suitable back-up it was not. This was the least delicious brown rice I’ve had in my life. This is saying something because I’ve been consuming a lot of brown rice lately. This is also my third little tray of pre-cooked rice (the others were white and brown) and I’ve found that they are all unbelievably sticky and soggy. Frozen rice just completely kicks shelf-stable rice’s butt. Not that you should be buying frozen rice if you own a rice cooker or you rock at making rice, but coming from a household where a certain loved one cannot let a pot of rice cook without lifting the lid and stirring it ALL THE FREAKING TIME, microwaveable frozen rice is a godsend. Also, it is ready in 3 minutes, which is just 90 more seconds than it takes to heat the gummy shelf-stable rice. Alas, I have not yet reviewed the incredible frozen rice, so for now all I will do is offer you a picture and say “Go, buy this frozen rice in the purple box. Keep it in your freezer. Do not be alarmed when you decide that paying 10 times too much for rice is perfectly acceptable because it is so amazingly speedy and delicious.”

Price: $4.99
Serving: 1/3 pizza, 4oz.
Calories: 260
Fat: 12%, 8g
Cholesterol: 0%, 0mg
Sodium: 20%, 490mg
Protein: 6g
Carbs: 14%, 42g
Fiber: 10%, 2g
Weight Watchers Points: 5 per serving

Trader Joe says: This is a truly special pizza. It starts with a hand-stretched crust made with organic flour and extra virgin olive oil which is topped with organic sweet carmelized onions, shiitake mushrooms, red peppers and artichoke hearts, and ultimately baked to perfection. There is no cheese, so it’s dairy free.

Kelly says: I like shopping at Trader Joe’s because they so often have really terrific foods for unbelievably low prices. Good examples of this are vanilla, cheese, and meat. Not that those things go together, but they can all be really expensive if you buy them at a regular grocery store.

Oh, you haven’t been to Trader Joe’s? You don’t have one in your vicinity? Then I weep for you, dear people lacking the place that I consider shopping heaven. Well, except on weekends when it is filled with couples shopping. Sorry folks, but I don’t need to see you canoodling near the deli case. I’m at TJ’s to get hummus, not see a lot of unnecessary PDA.

So, about that pizza… It comes in a couple bucks cheaper than the equivalent Amy’s Kitchen pizza, while providing similarly superb quality. The same sweet onions, the rare bits of roasted pepper, the delightfully chewy crust, they’re all present in this knock-off pizza. Though really, all I want is something pizza-like that I can eat without feeling like a complete fat-ass. Something that’s better than one of those lame Lean Cuisine pizzas. On that count, Trader Joe’s Roasted Vegetable pizza delivers. While some people might say that this contains a surprising amount of fat, I say “It’s a freaking pizza. Eat an apple if you want something fat free.”

Not so shocking in the case of these gourmet pizzas, Trader Joe skimped on the toppings. Could we get some more artichoke hearts, please?* And some more peppers? And mushrooms? Sure, in the photo it looks as though there are a lot of toppings on that pizza. A closer look reveals enormous swathes of unadorned crust. Uh, I wanted some pizza, not some crazy-expensive crust. A doubling of the vegetable toppings is definitely in order before this pizza hits the 5 star level. Seriously, look at the box and then look at the pizza. They aren’t even in the same gene pool.

But for all of that whining, I have to admit that this is quite the frozen food. If you’re in the mood for something a bit different or if you’re entertaining a lactose intolerant friend, try this pizza! Conversely, if you’re at Trader Joe’s groping your boyfriend while simultaneously blocking the pizza section, please so kindly get the hell out of my way. Thanks.

*What happens to the rest of the artichoke when the heart is harvested?