Price: $6.00 (on sale)
Serving: 1/3 pizza, 4.78 oz.
Calories: 360
Fat: 23%, 15g
Cholesterol: 12%, 35mg
Sodium: 33%, 780mg
Protein: 17g
Carbs: 13%, 39g
Fiber: 10%, 2g
Sugar: 8g
Weight Watchers Points: 8 points

Wolfgang Puck says: All natural cheese pizza with mozzarella, fontina and parmesan cheeses

Abi says: If you prefer astringent, watery chopped tomatoes to mellow, slow-cooked pizza sauce, then you’ll like Wolfgang Puck’s All Natural Cheese Pizza.

You’ll enjoy it if you adore pleasantly airy crust topped with light pink tomato water. If you’re also a cheese lover, you’ll be happy because this pizza comes topped with luscious cheese, all floating atop a lake of tart tomato juice.

I am none of those things and I do not prefer this new style of pizza. Biting in to that awful surprise, I realized that I’d have to take drastic measures. I lifted the cheese off of my pizza and scraped out the offending tomato water. This did not make it better. Instead it cooled the cheese into a single unappetizing mass. Left with little recourse, I reheated the pizza under the broiler, resliced it, and resolved to never go near this pizza again.

Price: $2.59
Serving: 1 corn dog, 2.5oz.
Calories: 160
Fat: 5%, 3.5g
Cholesterol: 0%, 0mg
Sodium: 23%, 560mg
Protein: 9g
Carbs: 7%, 22g
Fiber: 4%, 1g
Sugar: 4g
Weight Watchers Points: 3 Points

Trader Joe says: Low Fat, 4 grams of Soy Protein per Serving

Abi says: Yes, I’m still on the eternal quest for the perfect corn dog. I want something that reminds me of a carnival, complete with funnel cakes, rickety ferris wheels and goldfish that meet unfortunate deaths via ping-pong ball games.

Trader Joe’s meatless version comes nowhere near the actuality of a corn dog. I find this confusing because the meat in corn dogs is so far away from actual animal muscle that I’m surprised it can’t be replicated with vegetable products. I suspect that my Morningstar Sausage-related hypothesis of the need for connective tissue comes into play here as well.

The first problem with these corn dogs is the lack of snap. I know, that sounds disgusting. It is disgusting. And there’s no way to describe ’snap’ better than the resistance a hot dog has to being eaten. Yes, I judge food based on how much it doesn’t want to be consumed. The second problem with these corn dogs is the batter. Even after being baked in a real oven the interior of the cornbread breading was wet rather than fluffy. Considering that I base a large portion of my food judgments on texture it wasn’t surprising that I only took a couple of bites of the corn dog.

The box of three leftover corn dogs then sat in my freezer for a month before I decided to toss them in favor or newer, more exciting frozen items.

I don’t buy fake meats for my own amusement. I buy them because I think there’s a chance they’ll make plausible substitutes for real, less-healthy meats. I buy them hoping that I can lower the amount of fossil fuels used to create my meals (and yet I run this website). And I buy them with the hope that someday cloned, cultured meat will exist and I won’t have to make these choices anymore.

Further information on meat:

1. Hot Dog Reviews at Slate.com
2. Cloned/Cultured meat
3. Reviews of healthy food at the new Nationals stadium

Price: Free from Lean Cuisine
Servings Per Container: 1
Calories: 330
Total Fat: 14%, 8g
Saturated Fat: 16%, 3g
Cholesterol: 8%, 20g
Sodium: 26%, 640g
Protein: 21g
Carbs: 14%, 41g
Dietary Fiber: 17%, 4g
Sugars: 4g
Weight Watchers Points: 7 Points

Lean Cuisine says: White meat chicken, tomato, bacon & a ranch sauce in a soft flatbread.

Nicole says: I love bacon. I love it so much that I’ll even use those imitation bacon bits at the salad bar. They still taste “of” bacon, right? The essence of bacon. This flatbread melt has that same essence. And much more.

This must be the most colorful frozen meal I’ve had in weeks. Bright reds, yellows, greens, a light yellow “ranch sauce”. And as with my previous flatbread experience, this thing is herbed. As in, it contains some herbs and spices, and some flavor survived the freezing process. The flavor is the thing here- you can actually tell the ingredients apart by taste - the chicken tastes like chicken, the tomato tastes like tomato.

And the cheese? Well, there are two kinds, (reduced fat) mozzarella and (light pasteurized process) cheddar. The diet cheese is by no means a highlight of this meal, but you can taste it from time to time. I just hate the way it cooks up - light cheese is a very bad, highly uneven melter. Boo.

The flatbread aspect of the meal does three things. It holds the ingredients - you know, it’d be tough to eat a mess of chicken, tomatoes, yellow peppers, spring onions, and cheese without a conduit. It also makes the meal remotely filling, so you cold actually get away with eating this on its own for lunch (I, however, will supplement). Unfortunately, the chewiness of the bread and the juxtaposition of its flavorlessness next to the nicely seasoned filling takes away from the meal. I think they need to herb the flatbread, too.

Price: $3.79
Serving: 8 pieces, 3oz.
Servings Per Bag: 6
Calories: 150
Fat: 7%, 4.5g
Cholesterol: 0%, 0mg
Sodium: 14%, 330mg
Protein: 2g
Carbohydrates: 8%, 24g
Fiber: 10%, 3g
Sugar: 0g
Weight Watchers Points: 3 Points

Alexia says: Fun and flavorful, Alexia’s New Waffle Fries are a delicious interpretation of the European Classic, Pommes Gaufrettes. Lightly seasoned with Sea Salt, Pepper, and just the right amount of onion and garlic, Alexia Waffle Fries make a fantastic snack or a great accompaniment to your favorite entree

Abi says: My original review notes from this meal say only:

Fries of awesome!!!!!!

I am not an egregious user of exclamation points, so you should trust me when I say that these are the best frozen fry products I’ve ever tasted. After lackluster experiences with both the Alexia onion rings and the Alexia potato wedges, I wasn’t expecting such a fun eating experience.

Before we really get into how these taste, you should know that yes, there are about 6 servings in the package and yes, 8 fries will be enough. I know, it doesn’t seem like it will work, but these are waffle fries. They are hefty.

I don’t know how it is for you, but there’s something about waffle fries that makes me feel like a kid again. They are fancifully shaped and somewhat reminiscent of county fairs and boardwalks. Fortunately, these waffle fries are more than fit for adults, too. They were not at all greasy, so you could definitely have some folks over for a movie or drinks night and heat up a pan of these in the oven. Except, you won’t want to do that. No, instead you’ll be wishing that these came in a resealable bag because you’re going to have them with your lunch every day for a week except that you won’t get six servings out of the bag because on Friday you’ll say to yourself “I could eat all of the fries left in this bag, no problem.” And you would be wrong because eating all of them and a corn dog will totally make you sick and you will regret it.

When gorging doesn’t come in to play, Alexia waffle fries are delicious in every context. I tried these plain, with ketchup, dipped in homemade fry sauce and drenched ranch. Flavorful and fantastic alone or with a sauce, I should try sprinkling these with parmesan and forego dipping altogether.

I’m not sure than another frozen fry can ever measure up, but I’m okay with that possibility so long as these fries exist.