Price: $2.59
Serving: 1 pattie, 1.34oz.
Calories: 80
Fat:5%, 3g
Cholesterol: 0%, 0mg
Sodium: 11%, 260mg
Protein: 10g
Carbs: 1%, 3g
Fiber: 6%, 1g
Sugar: <1g
Weight Watchers Points: 2 Points

Morningstar Farms says: Savory, sizzling veggie patties seasoned with herbs and spices.

Abi says: I hesitate to write about these vegetarian sausage patties. It isn’t that I think you’ll all run to your nearest Trader Joe’s to buy them (though you should because at TJ’s they’re half the regular grocery store price). No, I’m worried that my fiance will read this review and finally learn that the breakfast sausage we ate throughout the winter was actually made of soy. This is why I don’t have a photo of the cooked sausage, though it looks exactly the same as the photo on the box.

I know that the Morningstar Farms veggie sausage, which is prone to overcooking, could never be confused with the truly amazing housemade sausage patties at Austin’s Kerby Lane Cafe. But if you’re worried about the amount of Jimmy Dean in your shopping cart, I implore you to try this breakfast item.

Each pattie is already brown, so all you need to do is heat them in the microwave and then crisp them a bit on each side. Burning the patties is easier than you’d think, especially if you’re used to cooking real made-with-meat sausage. Additionally, they have a confusing texture, much like real, slightly overcooked sausage, except they achieve granularity much more quickly than real sausage. I believe this is because vegetarian sausage lacks the connective tissue products one might find in standard sausage products. In addition to lacking tendons and such, each pattie has 1/2 the calories and 1/5 the fat of the same amount of pork sausage.

These ’sausage’ patties, when served alongside a suitably dramatic item (I recommend French Toast Casserole with Pecan-Brown Sugar Streusel), will potentially be mistaken for real sausage. But if you’d like to just make your own homestyle sausage, you can’t go wrong with Homesick Texan’s Sausage Recipe. A warning before you click that link: if you’re a displaced Texas you’ll spend the rest of the afternoon wishing you were back home in the Lone Star State.

Price: $4.00
Serving: 1/2 package, 5oz.
Calories: 210
Fat: 22%, 14g
Cholesterol: 0%, 0mg
Sodium: 19%, 470mg
Protein: 3g
Carbohydrates: 6%, 19g
Fiber: 11%, 3g
Weight Watchers Points: 5 per Serving

Deep Foods says: Mixed Vegetables sauteed and seasoned in authentic Indian style. Vegetarian Delight.

Jess says: When it comes to microwave food, I’ve been around the block a few times. I know the staples, the Stouffers and Lean Cuisines of this world. And I know about the niche markets of vegan delights and celebrity named frozen food brands. I have explored the freezer cases of many a supermarket, organic market and convenience store. So it is with great pleasure that I embark on new territory. Oh to be the Leif Erickson of this flash frozen new world! It is an honor, ney, a privilege. To find this Undhiu Indian food brand was a special treat because, damn, I love Indian food. The things Indian chefs can do with mere peas! Peas! Bring it on, I say.

It was only when I opened this box that I realized there was no rice in this meal. What a let down. No matter how tastily compiled your Indian fare maybe, you need that starchy rice goodness to sop up all the liquid and expand in your hungry stomach. Otherwise you have less of a meal and more of a spicy soupy appetizer. So I left the meal to thaw and picked up some basmati rice, naan and stuffed grape leaves at this foodery of unknown ethnic allegiance down the street. They mix Indian, Mediterranean and American all over their menu, but they are cheap and delicious so I don’t ask too many questions.

Back at the office, and now super hungry, I fell into a trance staring at the microwave and took in the sweet, spicy smells of this meal coming to life. True to smell, the taste was nothing short of kick ass. It’s on the sweeter nutmegish side with a good helping of veggies. And what is that tender burst of goodness my mouth encountered? A sweet potato! Well, hello beautiful. With the rice and naan, the portion was mighty and managed to be enough for a second lunch the next day. Each day I found myself to be the happiest of the desk-enslaved.

So now, Internet, I’m torn. How does one rate a truly delicious meal that is not a self contained entity, but merely a key ingredient to the final product? I think I still have to give it 3 stars. With the rice and naan, I spent over $8 on this meal which is A LOT for microwave food. It did last 2 days, though, which puts it at $4 a meal which isn’t too bad. But then there is the cost of doing so much extra work to get the final product together. Once I got to the eatery I just could have bought their food, which I like to pretend is fresh, and would have been done with the whole fiasco of lunching. Let us remember that the idea of microwave food is the convenience. Still, I would recommend that you try this brand if you stumble on it. Just remember to have some rice on hand.

Ingredients: Potatoes, Eggplant, Green Beans, Pigeon Peas, Corn Oil, Bell Peppers, Sweet Potatoes, Lima Beans, Tomatoes, Plantain, Spinach, Chickpeas, Sugar, Coconut, Coriander, Salt, Spices, Peppers, Sesame Seeds, Wheat Flour, Rye, Turmeric and Citric Acid.

[If you’re into Trader Joe’s products, we recommend the microwavable rice (it comes in boxes) and the frozen naan. Amy adores Trader Joe’s Garlic Naan. -Ed.]

Price: $2.00 on sale
Serving: 1/2 cup, 3oz.
Calories: 50
Fat: 4%, 3g
Cholesterol: 0%, 0mg
Sodium: 4%, 95mg
Protein: 2g
Carbs: 2%, 5g
Fiber: 7%, 2g
Sugar: 2g
Weight Watchers Points: 1 per serving

Green Giant says: No sauce, just enough liquid to cook

Abi says: I am currently watching television (hello, jet lag!) and there’s an ad for Axe Deodorant spray. Men, please listen to me: SPRAYING AXE ON YOURSELF IS NOT THE EQUIVALENT OF A SHOWER. I know, you’re thinking “Hey, it kills bacteria. I could just use that instead of taking a shower!” But then you would be wrong. You would be incorrect and odiferous. Nobody needs that.

While Axe Deodorant Spray might be one of the worst items to ever grace the shelves of a supermarket, one of my favorite vegetable finds are these green beans from Green Giant. If you already like green beans and you aren’t allergic to almonds, you should do yourself a favor and keep a couple boxes of these in the freezer.

I know, I know, you’re skeptical about the lack of sauce. I was worried about it too. And then I remembered that I don’t enjoy many of the butter sauces that come on microwaved vegetables. So if you’re addicted to those butter sauces your mileage may differ. I didn’t realize how much I like these until I bought my third package the other day and thought “Hmmm, I should probably review these to let other people know that they’re good.” And then I thought “Or not. Because what if I review them and they become super-popular and suddenly every store runs out of my current-favorite microwave vegetables?” But I don’t think that will be the case.

I followed the package instructions in microwaving the beans, then poured them into a bowl and drained the beans of all excess water. The draining is important. Drain your beans. If you don’t you’ll be quite disappointed and spend the rest of the day thinking to yourself ‘Why didn’t I listen to Abi?’ Once your beans are suitably dry, open up the roasted almonds, top your beans with said almonds and enjoy a bright green, surprisingly tasty side dish.

Do I have complaints about this meal? Of course I do. First, who the heck says that there are 2.5 servings in a package? I’m sick and tired of Green Giant’s slavish adherence to the idea that a serving of vegetables is 50 calories. This is especially funny and/or annoying to me because I would certainly call a single apple or a single grapefruit a serving, but according to the folks at Green Giant an apple would easily be more than one serving. Bah to that.

I appreciate the small package size because it makes the microwaving process fast. I do not appreciate the serving-size foolishness.

My other problem with this dish is the tiny packet of almonds. Why skimp, Green Giant? Okay, so I know why: almonds are expensive and full of calories. And you know what? These calories (in the form of almonds) are freaking delicious. Each almond sliver is a musky bite of smoke, balancing the vegetal green of the beans. More musky smoke, please.

Are these green beans better/cheaper/faster than green beans I can make at home? No. But they do use fewer dishes and I can always have a package in the freezer. You can’t say that about fresh beans.

Price: $4.19 (full price :()
Serving: 1 sandwich, 2oz.
Calories: 210
Fat: 14%, 9g
Cholesterol: 0%, 0mg
Sodium: 10%, 230mg
Protein: 19g
Carbs: 9%, 26g
Fiber: 7%, 2g
Sugar: 10g
Weight Watchers Points: 5 Points

Smuckers says: Smuckers has discovered a new way to seal its homemade goodness into a delicious PB & Honey sandwich. The secret is there’s no crust so kids love ‘em!

Abi says: Every time I visit Seattle, my college town, I spend a morning at Pike Place Market and am instantly distracted by the food. I gorge on miniature doughnuts still hot from the fryer and tossed with cinnamon and sugar. I accept slices of fresh pear, dripping juice and proffered from the tip of a sharp knife. I taste honey categorized by flowering plant, featuring the names Fireweed, Clover, Lavender and Alfalfa, offered upon wooden stir sticks.

It was the honey that did me in. Given a cracker topped with a bit of fresh cheese, I bit in with pleasure. “Wait!” said the farmer, before I could take a second bite. She drizzled the rest of the cheese with honey and I just about died right there in downtown Seattle.

Back in California I started trying everything honey. Honey and cheese (still freaking amazing), honey lattes (not that great), honey-caramel corn (okay) and Peanut Butter and Honey Uncrustables (not actually made with honey. Okay, made with a little bit of honey, but probably not enough honey to convince my mom that it is anything but the devil).

I was excited about trying these because they are made with whole wheat bread and I have been nothing if not brainwashed by my hippie forebears. The thought of Wonderbread makes me gag. Though, the thought of a freshly baked loaf of white bread makes me wonder if anyone has some butter and jam. The wheat bread used by Smuckers really just highlights the fact that white bread is also made of wheat and that adding caramel color is a weird way to hide a lack of fiber.

The peanut butter inside the ubersoft bread pocket was creamy, nutty and just about everything that non-all-natural non-chunky (see, smooth) peanut butter should aspire to be. The honey was utter weirdness. For one, there is a lot of it. I don’t know about you, but when I make a peanut butter and honey sandwich, I do not make it with a 1:1 ratio of peanut butter to honey. No, I prefer at least twice as much peanut butter as honey or jam, perhaps even a 3:1 ratio of nut butter to sweet. The other scary thing about the honey spread? Well, it didn’t really taste like honey. It just tasted like goo, a sensation that made me take a look at the ingredients, which are below:

1. Corn Syrup
2. High Fructose Corn Syrup
3. Water
4. Honey
5. Pectin
6. Natural Flavor
7. Citric Acid
8. Potassium Sorbate
9. Caramel Color
10. Calcium Chloride

I think the United States is the only country were the labeling laws are so lax that this can be called ‘Honey Spread’. Aren’t the actual ingredients in honey something like “Pollen and bee spit/vomit”?

Yet, as horrifying as I found the possibility of eating a pocket of peanut butter and (mostly) fake, non-bee-spit honey, I ate/used all of these. You see, they are perfect for two things:

1. Travelling across the country
2. Giving to homeless people

On a trip to Austin I consumed one pocket on the train and one on the plane. I did not pay $17 for a suspect sandwich from American Airlines (though I did fly in a seat just in front of the enormous aircraft engines and spent most of my flight thinking about the first episode of Lost and that guy who walks in front of the engine and well, you know.) While walking through downtown Palo Alto I provided some homeless lady with a snack. If I’m on my way to a meeting or meeting up with some folks I don’t have to take the time to purchase a sandwich for someone who needs medication just as much as food, I can just carry one around. And therein lies the utility of the Uncrustable.