Trader Joe says: Made in India exclusively for Trader Joe’s. Our Lentil Rice Biryani is a classic Indian dish. We’ve taken this complex and timely recipe and made it as simple as possible to make. Take one for lunch, dinner, camping or anywhere you want a handy and easy meal in minutes.

Abi says: You know why there’s no nutritional information on this review? I threw away the package without even trying the rice. It smelled that bad. I didn’t even want to have it out in the open air of my kichen for long enough to write down the detailed product
description. I had to go back to Trader Joe’s and copy the description off of a package on the shelf. Fortunately, Trader Joe’s is pretty empty at 9am and I don’t have that much pride.

I would write a more detailed description of the frightening smell that arose from the package, but that would require thinking back to that horrific moment. And that makes my stomach hurt.

Save a couple bucks and your appetite; if you need shelf-stable rice, trust Annie Chun. And for you Trader Joe? Zero stars.

Price: $3.50
Serving: 1 wrap, 4.75 oz.
Calories: 240
Fat: 12%, 8g
Cholesterol: 3%, 10mg
Sodium: 25%, 590mg
Protein: 12g
Carbs: 11%, 34g
Fiber: 20%, 5g

Gardenburger says: Our Italian-style vegetable patty, robust marinara sauce and mozzarella cheese in a whole wheat tortilla. The wrap meets the old world.

Jess says: On the spectrum of life dispositions, I would situate myself somewhere between a cynic and realist. If something shitty happens to you, I’m going to say, “Man, that was shitty”. I’m not going to say, “Everything happens for a reason” and I’m certainly not going to say, “When God closes a door, he opens a window”. I would take you for a beer though, but only if I did not find you intolerable.

But every now and again, despite my attempts at dodging and weaving the half full glass, I get tricked into optimism. This happened a couple of weeks ago as Abi led me to the work freezer and whipped out Gardenburger’s Margherita Pizza Wrap, purchased just for me! You see, I have been very vocal about my love of the Morningstar Veggie Burger. I eat at least one a week because they are quick and tasty (two key words for me). I am also unashamed of my crush on cheese. And here Gardenburger had combined these forces in to a portable wrap, pizzaed with a little sauce. Abi knew it was right up my alley. I was so excited. I was sure it was going to be grand. You’d think I’d be switching around my Claddagh Ring.

Psyche!

This was nasty! See how the wrap sticks to the plate post-microwaving. I had to get it off by jutting my hand up under there, pulling and sacrificing one of the wrap layers. Also see how the cover’s mouth-watering picture looks NOTHING like the real thing. Inside is merely a sub-standard cheese glob focused solely in the middle center of the wrap. This leaves a lot of bland wrap for you that is hardly worth the effort of bland chewing. No discernible bit of veggie burger to taste. No sauce for sure. Man, this really sucked. And my officemate had delicious sushi and some noodle dish. I was so jealous. I was still hungry and all I was left with was the thin layer of wrap stuck to my plate. Don’t buy this. Furthermore don’t heat this up and eat it. Really.

Price: $2.00
Serving: 1 package, 10oz.
Calories: 240
Fat: 9%, 6g
Sodium: 25%, 600mg
Protein: 19g
Carbs: 9%, 26g
Fiber: 20%, 5g
WW Points: 5 Points

Healthy Choice says: Tender wild salmon is sliced and covered in a savory creamy dill sauce and served over penne pasta with a side of fresh broccoli florets.

Abi says: I’ve been thinking a lot about the ingredients in Healthy Choice’s Creamy Dill Salmon meal. When you consider the salmon, it initially seems to be one of the nobler fish in the sea. But upon further review, I must say that the salmon leads a rather unsatisfactory life, a life that ends with either laying eggs and dying or spraying sperm over eggs and dying. I don’t think that’s the way I’d want to go.

The wild salmon, despite its horrible sex-related death, is generally a delicious creature. It is full of nutrients and makes for a wonderful addition to caesar salad, fettuccine alfredo, or bagels with cream cheese. I prefer my salmon fully cooked, and even blackened, but today I learned that frozen salmon cooked in a microwave is a way to terrorize your coworkers and your palate at the same time.

Dear coworkers, let me apologize for the disastrous odor streaming out of the microwave. I knew it was going to smell that bad (hello, salmon and broccoli), but I put the needs of the readers of HeatEatReview.com ahead of your own need to work without horrible smells wafting from the kitchen.

Dear mouth, I am so, so, so sorry for forcing you to endure the agony of microwaved frozen salmon. While fresh salmon may be steamed (in a special container) and emerge from the microwave in a state of deliciousness, frozen salmon was not made for the nuclear era.

Healthy Choice’s broccoli is reminiscent of baby food; mushy and largely flavorless. Fortunately, that is just a small part of the meal. Unfortunately, it turns out to be the best part. The texturally frightening salmon in this meal is cloaked in a dill sauce that never gets past a globularity that would make any cook cringe. If you’re a dill fan (by that I mean that you enjoy all other flavors in a meal being overcome by dill), then you might be able to overlook the lumpy sauce, unevenly cooked pasta, and need to turn partially cooked salmon halfway through the microwaving process. Unfortunately, I am not a big enough fan of dill to overlook those enormous faults in this meal.

On a lighter note, if you’re on a starvation diet you could just heat up this meal and put yourself off food for the rest of the afternoon.

Price: $1.00
Serving: 1 cup, 7.5 oz.
Calories: 280
Fat: 25%, 16g
Sodium: 34%, 820mg
Protein: 10g
Carbs: 8%, 24g
Fiber: 8%, 2g

Hormel says: These are wholesome meals or snacks that kids can make themselves in 90 seconds, giving them the feeling of satisfaction and independence. Each tasty flavor is considered a good source of protein for kids. They’re perfect for snacktime - lunchtime - anytime!

Abi says: I buy most frozen meals on the basis of two qualifying factors: price and looks. I will buy super-nasty items if they are very cheap. I will also buy fantastically good looking things if they are less than $3.00. Yeah, that’s my threshold and the reason why I wrote multiple pages of prose regarding a sale on Amy’s Bowls (specifically, the Pesto Tortellini Bowl).

This item falls into the super-nasty-cheap category. Sure, I felt a sense of independence from heating up my own meal. I also felt a sense of nausea from tasting the toxic orange sludge oozing from this ’snack’. While Hormel is known for meats, it is not known for pasta. There is a reason for that notoriety.