Price: $3.79 per box (2 skewers)
Serving: 1 skewer, 2.82oz
Calories: 100
Fat: 1%, .5g
Cholesterol: 0%, 0mg
Sodium: 17%, 400mg
Protein: 16%, 14g
Carbohydrates: 3%, 10g
Fiber: 13%, 3g
Sugar:5g
Weight Watchers Points: 1 Point

Yves says: We’re proud to introduce our newest addition to the Yves family! Our meatless skewers have the taste and texture of real meat - try Meatless Beef Satay dipped in peanut sauce. Heat on the BBQ or stovetop and enjoy year-round!

Heather F. says: Upon seeing these skewers at my local Shaws, images of tasty fake beef, all crispy from my Foreman gril danced through my head. Then I got home and unleashed one skewer from its packing. It looked alarmingly like poop on a stick. I decided to give this faux-meat the benefit of the doubt and lubed up my grill. Five minutes later (and multiple rotations to ensure all four sides were grilled) the skewer looked done. Well, done for striped poop on a stick. Still, I’d paid almost $4.00 for a 2-pack of these, so I bit into it. Yech. The promised ‘taste and texture of real meat’ was bland, and almost silky inside, as opposed to the pleasant “roughness” of some fake meat. I took two more bites, then threw it out. Goodbye, $3.79, goodbye.

Price: $4.19
Serving: 1/6 package, 9oz.
Servings per box: 6
Calories: 360
Fat: 11%, 7g
Cholesterol: 22%, 65mg
Sodium: 34%, 820mg
Protein: 31g
Carbohydrates: 14%, 42g
Fiber: 8%, 2g
Sugar: 2g
Weight Watchers Points: 7 Points

Campbell’s says: Campbell’s perfectly blended baking sauce seasons your chicken for a moist savory meal in no time. A taste so homemade, it could only come from Campbell’s.

Abi says: Just like the dad in From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler, I take the train to work every day. I even have a 10-ride ticket, though I don’t think it is redeemable for 2 child fares. Unlike the dad in From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler, I make dinner. The San Francisco train station is across the street from a very nice Safeway, so if I miss my train I have time to browse the aisles for new and interesting things to review.

Too bad this chicken bake is amongst the worst things I’ve ever consumed in my life. I’ve had a lot of bad frozen meals, so I’m used to disappointment. But I also wasted $6.00 worth of fresh chicken, which sucks. I cook meat so rarely that when I do have to handle bloody animal muscles I want some delicious results.

The cooking process for this meal was something of a pain. I put some hot water in a Pyrex baking dish, added the pasta, seasoning, and Campbell’s baking sauce (which was Cream of Nothing in disguise) and stirred. I then placed raw chicken on top of the pasta and watery cream from a can (shudder), then covered the whole thing with foil and baked it for twenty minutes at 400 degrees. After the initial baking time I uncovered the whole thing, sprinkled breadcrumbs atop it and popped it back in the oven for another 10 minutes.

Those of you who know anything about chicken know that this is the stupidest way to cook chicken, ever. I basically steamed the chicken, which is a fine idea when working with broccoli or green beans, but completely idiotic when dealing with chicken. I went against my instincts, instincts that were screaming ‘You baked chicken last week and it was marinated and it only took 12 minutes!’ and ended up serving a meal that featured horrible steamed chicken covered in pointless breadcrumbs (they’re pre-browned, which is sick). And that awful chicken rested atop a pile of flavorless pasta. GARLIC chicken? Who do they think they’re kidding? Ugh.

After a few bites of the meal, George and I determined that it was completely inedible. The chicken was tough and bland and basically everything that is possible to hate about chicken. And the pasta? No flavor what so ever. I posited that perhaps it was developed for midwestern supertasters, but really nobody should be eating this.

Thank God I have the most ridiculously packed freezer at Stanford. I went to the kitchen, pulled out a box of Tandoor Chef Chicken Tikka Masala, mentally took back anything bad I ever said about the lack of rice in the dish, and tossed a couple of Trader Joe’s Naan under the broiler (which was still toasty from the worst chicken ever). The chicken tikka masala and naan were so good that my mouth waters as I write this review.

If you want to know how to make good chicken, check out these tips and recipes from Chris Kimball, the editor of Cooks Illustrated (one of my favorite magazines). And if you’re not a fan of boneless, skinless chicken breasts, you’ll find a friend in Deb at Smitten Kitchen. Though, I provide the link with a warning that after reading about S’more Pie you’ll feel the need to purchase a kitchen torch.

Price: 79¢ at Target
Serving: 1 cup, 2.05oz. (+ water)
Calories: 220
Fat: 7%, 4.5g
Cholesterol: 2%, 5mg
Sodium: 25%, 590mg
Protein: 7g
Carbohydrates: 13%, 39g
Fiber: 4%, 1g
Sugar: 6g
Weight Watchers Points: 3 Points

Kraft says: Made with Kraft cheese, garlic and other spices

Abi says: I sincerely enjoy Kraft’s Easy Mac microwave cups. I know that they create waste and cost too much, but they are the perfect amount of salty, cheesy macaroni product. I like them so much that even though I had multiple other varieties of the cups in my cupboard, I kept buying the Three Cheese version and ignoring the Regular, Alfredo and Bacon varieties. Yes, Bacon.

I finally told myself that I couldn’t buy another cup of Kraft Mac and Cheese (even if they were on sale) until I tried the other types. And now I know why I should trust my instincts and stop making arbitrary rules for myself.

This cup featured flavorless, slimy noodles in a sauce that so closely resembled a certain bodily fluid that I didn’t want to go near it. The noodles are similar to the pseudo-egg noodles one finds in a box of Pasta-Roni; about 1.5 inches long, a bit wavy and quite thin. These noodles are difficult to stab with a fork and thus I had to scoop them up, which is not my preferred pasta-eating method.

I know, this sounds really nit-picky, but think about how you eat noodles. When using a fork do you stab or do you scoop? Comments welcome.

The sauce lacked the robust flavor I’ve come to enjoy in other Kraft products and couldn’t be helped even with a liberal application of Italian herbs, garlic and parmesan cheese. And when you’re adding cheese to macaroni and cheese you’ve got a problem. Plus, the cheese and spices needed a good base to rest on and flavor. If you start with bad it doesn’t matter how many herbs and spices you add, you’ll still end up with an awful sauce.

Buying this product is like throwing a dollar in the trash.

Price: $2.50 on sale
Serving: 1 meal, 9.5oz.
Calories: 180
Fat: 6%, 4g
Cholesterol: 13%, 40mg
Sodium: 34%, 820mg
Protein: 17g
Carbohydrates: 7%, 20g
Fiber: 7%, 2g
Sugar: <1g
Weight Watchers Points: 4 Points

Smart Ones says: You’ll love the home-style flavor of all-white meat chicken, smothered in a wine sauce that’s thick with mushrooms and onions, and served with a heaping helping of sour cream and chive mashed potatoes on the side.

Abi says: “Home-style flavor”? I feel sorry for anybody who regularly deals with home-cooking that tastes like this meal.

I’m more than a little angry with myself and Safeway right now. I can’t believe that I paid $2.50 for this waste of freezer space. I wanted a fast, pseudo-hearty meal. What I got was macerated chicken parts, forgettable sauce and unbelievably watery potatoes.

I suspected the horrifying nature of the chicken before the first bite. I could see that it was suspiciously shaped and lo and behold, the texture is that of a hot dog in cutlet form. I want a piece of chicken, not a ball game snack.

The sauce is mysteriously dark and did a relatively good job of covering up the chicken for the first couple of bites. Then I just gave up and went to hunt for a stick of string cheese. And the potatoes? They were so watery I wondered if I’d accidentally drenched them under the sink during the cooking process. Had I been sleepwalking? Did this meal actually come with a side of soup? No and no.

I can’t understand why anyone would eat this and feel so deprived when the perfectly acceptable (and only 1 more Point) Stouffer’s Baked Chicken Breast.

This is why eating Smart Ones makes me feel so dumb.