Price: 79¢ at Target
Serving: 1 cup, 2.05oz. (+ water)
Calories: 220
Fat: 7%, 4.5g
Cholesterol: 2%, 5mg
Sodium: 25%, 590mg
Protein: 7g
Carbohydrates: 13%, 39g
Fiber: 4%, 1g
Sugar: 6g
Weight Watchers Points: 3 Points

Kraft says: Made with Kraft cheese, garlic and other spices

Abi says: I sincerely enjoy Kraft’s Easy Mac microwave cups. I know that they create waste and cost too much, but they are the perfect amount of salty, cheesy macaroni product. I like them so much that even though I had multiple other varieties of the cups in my cupboard, I kept buying the Three Cheese version and ignoring the Regular, Alfredo and Bacon varieties. Yes, Bacon.

I finally told myself that I couldn’t buy another cup of Kraft Mac and Cheese (even if they were on sale) until I tried the other types. And now I know why I should trust my instincts and stop making arbitrary rules for myself.

This cup featured flavorless, slimy noodles in a sauce that so closely resembled a certain bodily fluid that I didn’t want to go near it. The noodles are similar to the pseudo-egg noodles one finds in a box of Pasta-Roni; about 1.5 inches long, a bit wavy and quite thin. These noodles are difficult to stab with a fork and thus I had to scoop them up, which is not my preferred pasta-eating method.

I know, this sounds really nit-picky, but think about how you eat noodles. When using a fork do you stab or do you scoop? Comments welcome.

The sauce lacked the robust flavor I’ve come to enjoy in other Kraft products and couldn’t be helped even with a liberal application of Italian herbs, garlic and parmesan cheese. And when you’re adding cheese to macaroni and cheese you’ve got a problem. Plus, the cheese and spices needed a good base to rest on and flavor. If you start with bad it doesn’t matter how many herbs and spices you add, you’ll still end up with an awful sauce.

Buying this product is like throwing a dollar in the trash.

Price: $2.50 on sale
Serving: 1 meal, 9.5oz.
Calories: 180
Fat: 6%, 4g
Cholesterol: 13%, 40mg
Sodium: 34%, 820mg
Protein: 17g
Carbohydrates: 7%, 20g
Fiber: 7%, 2g
Sugar: <1g
Weight Watchers Points: 4 Points

Smart Ones says: You’ll love the home-style flavor of all-white meat chicken, smothered in a wine sauce that’s thick with mushrooms and onions, and served with a heaping helping of sour cream and chive mashed potatoes on the side.

Abi says: “Home-style flavor”? I feel sorry for anybody who regularly deals with home-cooking that tastes like this meal.

I’m more than a little angry with myself and Safeway right now. I can’t believe that I paid $2.50 for this waste of freezer space. I wanted a fast, pseudo-hearty meal. What I got was macerated chicken parts, forgettable sauce and unbelievably watery potatoes.

I suspected the horrifying nature of the chicken before the first bite. I could see that it was suspiciously shaped and lo and behold, the texture is that of a hot dog in cutlet form. I want a piece of chicken, not a ball game snack.

The sauce is mysteriously dark and did a relatively good job of covering up the chicken for the first couple of bites. Then I just gave up and went to hunt for a stick of string cheese. And the potatoes? They were so watery I wondered if I’d accidentally drenched them under the sink during the cooking process. Had I been sleepwalking? Did this meal actually come with a side of soup? No and no.

I can’t understand why anyone would eat this and feel so deprived when the perfectly acceptable (and only 1 more Point) Stouffer’s Baked Chicken Breast.

This is why eating Smart Ones makes me feel so dumb.

Price: $2.04 at Target
Serving: 1 Meal, 7.6oz.
Calories: 390
Fat: 17%, 11g
Cholesterol: 7%, 20mg
Sodium: 19%, 460mg
Protein: 14g
Carbohydrates: 19%, 57g
Fiber: 20%, 5g
Sugar: 16g
Weight Watchers Points: 8 Points

Kid Cuisine says: Just when you thought it was safe to finish the fish sticks -da dum, da dum - along come our fruit Gummy Shark Snacks. A whale of a meal!

Abi says: This meal wasn’t so much a lunch as an act of vengeance. If you’ve been doing some sinning lately (Fat Tuesday festivities and poor voting choices on Super Tuesday both come to mind), you could always choose this meal as part of a Friday Lenten penance. It must be worth at least 40 Hail Marys.

I am fortunate in knowing that this is probably the worst video I’ll ever make and the worst item I’ve ever consumed: it can only get better from here. Please leave comments below for future video subjects and suggestions for improvement.

Thanks,
Abi Jones

Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Serving: 1 entree, 10oz.
Calories: 270
Fat: 4%, 3g
Cholesterol: 11%, 40mg
Sodium: 27%, 660mg
Protein: 19g
Carbs: 13%, 42g
Fiber: 0%, 0g
Sugar: 11g
Weight Watchers Points: 6 Points

Lean Cuisine says: Grilled chicken breast with pineapple, water chestnuts, and sesame flavored rice.

Kelly says: Upon first glance at this meal I thought “Wow, a whole chicken breast! Crazy!” And now I know that I should listen to my inner voice because it is right all of the flippin’ time. A whole chicken breast is crazy. When I hear the word ‘teriyaki’ I envision dark meat chicken (thighs, to be specific), a scoop of sticky white rice, and a drizzling of sweetly spicy and salty sauce.

Maybe some vegetables too.

I don’t picture a tired, worn-out, whole breast of chicken that’s been cooked in the microwave. I don’t imagine powder-covered nibs of rice claiming to be sesame-flavored when they are in fact just tongue-coating. I don’t think of the bland crunch of water chestnuts, which must be served alongside another vegetable in order to have any meaning in a meal.

In short, when I see teriyaki, I don’t see this Lean Cuisine meal. Whose idea was it to have an enormous chunk of chicken in there? Who thought it would microwave completely without drying out the edges, leaving them tough and gnarly? Doesn’t Lean Cuisine have a stable of food scientists perfecting dishes like their wonderful Thai Style Chicken and Rice? Where were those people when someone decided to make this dish?

This meal can be turned around. All Lean Cuisine has to do is pre-chop the chicken into chunks, add 10 times the veggies, not putting the veggies in the sauce (where they turn to total mush), and forego the pineapple chunks (they are slimy and gooshy after the microwaving). Oh, and select a completely different method of rice preparation and seasoning, because this is the worst rice I’ve ever had in a frozen meal. I know, that seems like a lot of work, but I have confidence in the people of Lean Cuisine. Until that change occurs, I will stay far, far away from anything resembling this meal.