Price: $1.99
Serving: 1 package, 8oz.
Calories: 150
Fat: 4%, 2.5g
Sodium: 2%, 40mg
Protein: 5g
Carbs: 9%, 27g
Fiber: 16%, 4g
Weight Watchers Points: 2 Points

Trader Joe says: T.J’s Frozen Steel Cut Oatmeal brings speed and convenience to the previously time-consuming process of cooking steel cut oats. No longer do you have to slave or a hot stove, stirring and stirring just to enjoy a bowl of this wholesome, nutritious, delicious oatmeal.

Abi says: The only oatmeal I ever ate as a kid came in packets. Sure, we had old-fashioned oats up in the cupboard, but I think that we only used those for making cookies, not for actually eating for breakfast in the form of oatmeal. I didn’t even realize until a few years ago that actual, real, non-processed, steel cut oatmeal requires a rather long cooking time (nearly an hour!). In fact, I’ve never even made stove top, slow-cooked oatmeal.

Of this, I’m a bit ashamed. I love oatmeal and I should be enjoying it in all of its forms. Alas, the closest I’ll likely ever get to that (until I have a family to cook oatmeal for) will be the big, slightly suspect pots of oatmeal at Au Bon Pain (have you had oatmeal with roasted almond slices and toasted coconut and brown sugar? No? Then you have not lived!)*.

In an effort to reduce my dependence on instant oatmeal and stop paying $4.00 for the ABP stuff, I picked up a box of Trader Joe’s pre-cooked, frozen steelcut oatmeal. The box contains two individually shrink-wrapped cylinders of oatmeal. These cylinders bear more than a passing resemblance to the frozen forms of Trader Joe’s Artichoke Spinach dip and French Onion Soup. Way to reuse your industrial packaging equipment, Trader Joe’s!

Unfortunately, the bubbly nature of oatmeal requires that one selects a quite large container for heating. On the first go-round I’d fogotten this edict of breakfast porridge and managed to spend the first 20 minutes of my work day cleaning out the microwave.

On the second try I sat down to a bowl of steaming, fluffy steelcut oatmeal and instantly realized why I haven’t purchased this item in the past and why I’ll never purchase it again in the future: blandness. Steelcut oatmeal might have the upper hand when it comes to fiber, but when it gets down to the nitty gritty, taste wins ever time for me. Trader Joe’s Steelcut Oatmeal is a good idea, but the lack of the merest hint of flavor had me reaching for some strawberry jam and figuring that my earlier failure in oatmeal preparation was a sign that some things are better made at home, where there’s plenty of real maple syrup and cinnamon.

*I didn’t even know that they had oatmeal at Au Bon Pain until I read this rant on Craigslist.

Price: $3.00 on sale
Serving: 1 package, 6.8oz.
Calories: 440 per serving
Fat: 23%, 15g
Cholesterol: 20%, 60mg
Sodium: 59%, 1410mg
Protein: 28g
Carbohydrates: 17%, 50g
Fiber: 12%, 3g
Weight Watchers Points: 9 Points

Oscar Mayer says: Experience a sandwich that has all the warmth, the flavor, and the fresh baked taste you look forward to, without having to go out. In no time at all, you can create a lunch for one, served with soft, warm bread, shaved meats and premium cheese, all individually wrapped for freshness.

Abi says: I always thought that the point of making a microwave meal was to avoid the dreaded sandwich lunch rut and eat something interesting or spicy or at least containing a protein source other than lunch meat. Also, by consuming microwave meals I avoid the inevitable decay of half a loaf of bread that occurs because I can’t be bothered to consume the darn thing/make enough French Toast to feed 8 people.

Oscar Mayer, maker of the most fabulous bacon product in the world, is out to prove me wrong. The company contends that it isn’t a sandwichless lunch that we want, but a hot lunch.

I am slightly perturbed by this assumption and by the price of the product. It was $3.00 on sale, just a couple bucks less than a fresh sandwich at any number of local cafes. Plus, sandwich assembly is complicated and messy when you’re dealing with tiny, potentially explosive packets of condiments. I guess you could eat this if you really, really wanted a warm sandwich, but why not stop by Safeway in the morning and get one of those turkey and havarti paninis? With those the bread is fresher and they are twice the size of this mostly bread assemblage. You could save half for later.

For those of you still interested in acquiring this item, you might be pleased to know that it comes with:

• Enormous loaf of bread a.k.a Country White Sub Roll
• Lots of watery, thick, definitely not shaved Ham (I blotted it, getting ride of some of the excessive moisture, which Oscary Mayer simply describes as ‘water added’. I’m serious about the ‘lots’ part. I ended up eating two slices straight from the package because they didn’t fit on my sandwich)
• Appropriately holey Swiss cheese (or as Kraft puts it “Kraft 2% Milk Reduced Fat Natural Swiss Cheese [1/3 less fat than Swiss Cheese])
• Grey Poupon Deli Mustard (yum, I love mustard)
• Packet o’ Mayo (was immediately discarded - oh sorry, that’s not just mayo, it is ‘Kraft Light Mayonnaise [1/2 the fat & calories of Mayonnaise] - hmm, what’s in there?)
• Warming tray

It is not a crisping tray, as one might find in a Stouffer’s Corner Bistro Flatbread, it is for warming. In reality, it is for catching the cheese that will melt and drip out of the side of your sandwich. Mmmm, melty. Oscar Mayer claims that this sandwich has “Fresh Baked Taste” and that you can “Make the most of lunch with Deli Creations”. But why would I buy this when I can go to Quizno’s (or even Subway, which is not a place I enjoy) and get something much better for just a buck more?

Is there something that I’m missing here? Some brilliantly magical sandwich element that I’ve overlooked? Point me in the direction of salvation dear readers, for I am surely lost in lunch wilderness with this one.

Price: $2.69
Serving: 3oz., 3 rolls
Servings Per Container: 2.5
Calories: 210 per serving
Fat: 12%, 8g
Cholesterol: 3%, 10mg
Sodium: 20%, 490mg
Protein: 6g
Carbohydrates: 9%, 28g
Fiber: 6%, 1g
Sugar: 3g
Weight Watchers Points: 5 Points

Target says: Vegetables, black beans & white meat chicken wrapped in a crispy shell.

Kelly says: I love Target. I adore Target. I was weaned on Target. Well, not really because that would be sort of gross, but I think you get the point. You would not believe how distraught I became when I first realized that the Target nearest my suburban post-college southern home did not have a freezer section.

Sure, it has a freezer. A smaller freezer than the one found at my local 7-11. The first time I went to the Target I thought there wasn’t a freezer section at all. Then I learned that it was just a single case. I’m not sure which instance made me more disappointed.

Fortunately, I found a different Target in the opposite direction from the first Target and only a total of five more driving miles. The more awesome, glorious Target has oodles of frozen food cases. Watch out folks, I have found the mother land and it consists of frozen food!

While I usually stick to known brand name products offered at low, low prices (see poorly chosen South Beach Diet Lunchable), I’m occasionally inclined to sample a Target brand item. My experience with these appetizers is much like my experience with Target purses: tasty, short-lived, adorable, and doomed to an unsatisfying end via shoddy construction and low-quality materials.

Mostly, I was bummed to realize that these appetizers are half air. That and the pastry wrapper tastes sort of strange, as though it was produced not just in a factory, but actually made out of a factory rather than normal ingredients like flour and lard. Also I had a lot of trouble finding the chicken inside this pastry. Was it disguised as corn? Plus, the filling was more watery than cheesy. After all of that complaining you think that I’d be really happy that half of each pastry-encased item was filled with air. But no, even if something is bad I don’t want to feel gypped.

The more I think about these appetizers the more I understand why I ate a few and then they just hung out in my freezer for a few months until I did my quarterly fridge and freezer clean-out and decided that maybe I should try these things because I am a poor, poor social worker. Too bad I’d forgotten that they were a waste of the energy it took to heat them in the oven.

Price: $1.99
Serving: 1 container, 7.4oz.
Calories: 340 per serving
Fat: 4%, 2.5g
Cholesterol: 0%, 0mg
Sodium: 0%, 0mg
Protein: 7g
Carbs: 24%, 22g
Fiber: 12%, 3g
Weight Watchers Points: 6 Points

Trader Joe says: He doesn’t say this exactly, but I will paraphrase for you. Well, paraphrase if it meant “Taking longer to explain something that it would just take you to read it off the pakage, but the print is small so you just have to trust me on this one.” You can cook Trader Joe’s pre-cooked organic brown rice on the stove or in the microwave. The stove version involves submerging the entire package in boiling water for 10 minutes. If you have to resort to something like that, maybe you should just consider investing in a microwave or becoming friends with a microwave-owning neighbor.

Abi says: Whenever I eat brown rice I think of colon cancer. I don’t even know if there’s a link between colon cancer and fiber, but that’s what I think about. I also think about how I’m being a taste martyr for my colon. Because brown rice isn’t particularly tasty. Not that I eat it solo, but still, when you say brown rice is the first thought in your head:

1. Yum
2. Ugh
3. While not the tastiest thing on the planet, it is probably better for digestion than that fragrant jasmine rice I wish I was eating instead.

Hmmmm? I find this style of eating particularly depressing, the whole “I will eat this because it is good for me even though it tastes bad.” mantra is abominable. I only ate this because I purchased it. And I only purchased it because I have a sick fascination with shelf-stable items (see super-scary Taco Bell Bowlz Review by Andrew) and I like to eat rice with my from the pouch Indian food. Basically, it was a back-up for a time when I would be without Trader Joe’s Garlic Naan.

A suitable back-up it was not. This was the least delicious brown rice I’ve had in my life. This is saying something because I’ve been consuming a lot of brown rice lately. This is also my third little tray of pre-cooked rice (the others were white and brown) and I’ve found that they are all unbelievably sticky and soggy. Frozen rice just completely kicks shelf-stable rice’s butt. Not that you should be buying frozen rice if you own a rice cooker or you rock at making rice, but coming from a household where a certain loved one cannot let a pot of rice cook without lifting the lid and stirring it ALL THE FREAKING TIME, microwaveable frozen rice is a godsend. Also, it is ready in 3 minutes, which is just 90 more seconds than it takes to heat the gummy shelf-stable rice. Alas, I have not yet reviewed the incredible frozen rice, so for now all I will do is offer you a picture and say “Go, buy this frozen rice in the purple box. Keep it in your freezer. Do not be alarmed when you decide that paying 10 times too much for rice is perfectly acceptable because it is so amazingly speedy and delicious.”