Serving size: 1 Tray, 10 oz
Calories: 280
Total Fat: 6%, 4g
Saturated Fat: 5%, 1g
Trans Fat: 0%, 0g
Cholesterol: 13%, 40mg
Sodium: 23%, 550mg
Carbohydrates: 14%, 41g
Dietary Fiber: 16%, 4g
Sugars: 6g
Protein: 36%, 20g
Weight Watchers Points: 5 Points

Hormel says: Santa Fe Style Chicken with Rice, Black Beans & Fire Roasted Corn.

Nicole says:

I know that reviews are supposed to be objective, but they are also supposed to be honest. The idea of shelf-stable meats outside of a can (soup, tuna) scares me. I have tried it before, and it was . . . okay . . . but definitely not “good”.

And that was not chicken.

There was initial comfort: when I tried to poke “several slits” in the heavy plastic seal on this meal with my fork, it proved impossible. This is a good seal. I had to use the knife we keep in the office for ice cream cakes.

Note about cooking: the alternative to microwave coking this meal is to simmer it while sealed in a pot of boiling water. I suggest you campers keep this in mind.

The aroma of the cooked meal (90 seconds is a REALLY quick cooking time) was heavy with tomato sauce. And the flavor is very heavy on tomato - it even overpowers the beans, which I expected to taste as the primary but they just peek through the sauce, though they are nicely cooked - firm enough to have texture but not hard - no “mush” there.

The corn has completely taken on tomato flavor, but it has retained it’s crunch. And I know you’re going to ask - yes, it it blackened in spots since it’s “fire roasted”.

The chicken is the thing I really don’t want to think about. In reality, the texture is better than the chalky texture that results from some microwaved frozen meals or the hard edges from others. This is moist, and it tastes like tomato sauce.

The rice is just saucy rice. All ingredients (there are actually two types of beans) are fairly represented throughout the meal, including a couple chunks of stewed tomato.

There is nothing wrong with this meal - the one major complaint would be that all the ingredients have the same flavor, though they distinguish themselves texturally. It’d be nice to taste corn and chicken as well.

But it is more than that. Hormel is going to have to work hard for the average person to conceive realistically of grabbing a plastic tray of chicken and rice off the shelf, heating it for less than two minutes, and consuming it. Maybe it’s not actually different than a can of soup, but we’ve been eating out of cans since people were speaking Aramaic, or nearly that long. I am sure there were cowboys eating out of cans before the Hollywood cowboys did so. We are in a plastic age, but have we advanced mentally far enough for it to preserve all our foods? Kudos to the technology, but I can’t get into it yet. It’ll take several more experiments and a couple more years before it feels “right”.

Or, please just put it in a can. Doubly beneficial, as I know I can recycle a can - this plastic tray is polypropylene, and I’m not sure if my building accepts it. And my stomach will be far more welcoming. Sure, I’ll need to pour it into a dish to cook it, which means there will be dishes to do, but I’d rather dirty dishes than slight nausea throughout lunch.

This isn’t a bad meal. It’s not bland, though it is one-note. It’s reasonably filling for it’s size and caloric content, likely because it has rice and beans and chicken (though also because my stomach shrinks when it’s afraid - sorry.) If you can mentally put aside the packaging and you like simple canned soups, you would most likely enjoy this meal. And it’s sooo healthy compared to even many of your Lean Cuisine meals. I just can’t handle it.

Price: $2.25
Serving: 10.5 oz.
Calories: 300
Fat: 18%, 12g
Cholesterol: 17%, 50mg
Sodium: 32%, 760mg
Protein: 25g
Carbohydrates: 9%, 27g
Fiber: 32%, 8g
Sugar: 6g
Weight Watchers Points: 6 Points

Smart Ones says: Breast strips with rib meat and penne in a creamy red pepper sauce with broccoli.

Sarah says: In comparison to my review of Smart Ones Roast Beef, where I was pleasantly surprised by a meal that I expected not to love, this meal was a sharp turn for the worse. I think that my expectations were simply way too high - this is yet another case of a horribly misleading and delicious-looking cover gone wrong. Everything about this little frozen meal called out to me. Whole grain wheat pasta? Check! Broccoli, my favorite frozen vegetable? Check! Some sort of sauce that’s sorta-creamy-and-sorta-spicy? CHECK! In addition to all of that, South Beach is apparently not eco-friendly, as their meal comes in a box that takes up approximately double the space that my Smart Ones takes, even though the meal is just 1.5 ounces heavier. This was yet another factor in my high expectations, as I extremely hungry when I selected the gargantuan parcel out of my freezer at lunchtime. Big box = big taste, right?

Not so much. The first let-down of the meal was the broccoli. I always eat the veggies first, because I’m a slightly OCD weirdo who likes to separate their foods and eat them in order from “least favorite” to “favorite.” It’s pretty hard to mess up broccoli, but somehow South Beach has managed it. I can’t even tell you what it was, either. The broccoli just tasted slightly off. Like maybe it had been frozen and thawed and re-frozen one too many times.

Then there was the pasta, which I had hoped would redeem my rather pathetic vegetable experience. I think the biggest disappointment was with the “Red Pepper Sauce,” which I had expected to taste . . . oh, I don’t know . . . peppery? Instead, it just tasted like sauce. Just generic sauce, that you might find in a big plastic container located in an underground hatch on a mysterious island in the South Pacific. The pasta has a strange texture, but that’s par for the course when you’re dealing with whole wheat pasta, and I really felt like it might have been enjoyable (the chicken was just fine, too) if there had been non-Dharma sauce on top of it.

Oh well, I guess that’s what you get for buying any meal with the word “diet” on the front of the package. Too bad I have two other South Beach items left in the freezer to try.

[The South Beach Diet is now known as South Beach Living. Also, if you’re into Lost but you’re never sure if this week’s episode will be new or a rerun, I recommend you check out Is Lost a Repeat?, a highly accurate, superbly informational website. -Ed.]

Price: $6.00 (on sale)
Serving: 1/3 pizza, 4.78 oz.
Calories: 360
Fat: 23%, 15g
Cholesterol: 12%, 35mg
Sodium: 33%, 780mg
Protein: 17g
Carbs: 13%, 39g
Fiber: 10%, 2g
Sugar: 8g
Weight Watchers Points: 8 points

Wolfgang Puck says: All natural cheese pizza with mozzarella, fontina and parmesan cheeses

Abi says: If you prefer astringent, watery chopped tomatoes to mellow, slow-cooked pizza sauce, then you’ll like Wolfgang Puck’s All Natural Cheese Pizza.

You’ll enjoy it if you adore pleasantly airy crust topped with light pink tomato water. If you’re also a cheese lover, you’ll be happy because this pizza comes topped with luscious cheese, all floating atop a lake of tart tomato juice.

I am none of those things and I do not prefer this new style of pizza. Biting in to that awful surprise, I realized that I’d have to take drastic measures. I lifted the cheese off of my pizza and scraped out the offending tomato water. This did not make it better. Instead it cooled the cheese into a single unappetizing mass. Left with little recourse, I reheated the pizza under the broiler, resliced it, and resolved to never go near this pizza again.

Price: $3.00 on sale
Serving: 1 creation, 7.1oz.
Calories: 450
Fat: 26%, 17g
Cholesterol: 18%, 55mg
Sodium: 45%, 1090mg
Protein: 25g
Carbs: 17%, 50g
Fiber: 16%, 4g
Sugar: 13g
Weight Watchers Points: 10 Points

Oscar Mayer says: Oscar Mayer shaved mesquite smoked turkey breast, Kraft monterey jack cheese with jalapeno peppers, Kraft southwestern style ranch dressing, Kraft garden salsa on a country white sub roll.

Abi says: When I saw these on sale at my local Safeway I turned to the guy next to me, who happened to be a stranger, and said ‘Oh man, these things are awful.’ And then I bought two, because my mission is to confuse people at the grocery store.

So, what does cheap (but in reality, really freaking expensive for some bread and meat) get you? It starts with a super-soft roll. If you are at all familiar with Wonder Bread, you know what you’re getting here. Next, you get to top the bread yourself, getting meat juice and dressing and such all over your hands.

I have to admit that I was pleased with the amount of turkey included in this sandwich. It most closely resembled a packed of the Louis Buddig ultra-thin turkey. I love that stuff. For those of you not familiar with Louis Buddig or Land-o-Frost products, just imagine meat paper.

There was enough meat that I was able too eat a few of the slices while assembling the sandwich and still have enough to make a presentable hoagie. Next I topped it with the perfectly shaped sliced of jalapeno jack. Before topping the cheese and meat layers with the other half of the bun I did two things:

1. Decided that Kraft garden salsa resembles nothing more than tomato sauce and tossed it (sorry to those of you who wanted to know how it tastes).
2. Spread Southwestern style ranch on the bread and then realized that warm ranch dressing sounds like pretty much the grossest thing ever.

Unable to reverse my Ranch Dressing Decision, I put the sandwich in the microwave, heated if for a minute (melty cheese!) and dug in.

First impression: Goo.

When you heat ultra-processed lunchmeat, white bread, cheese and flavored ranch it all turns into a mass of gunk. Without any lettuce, sprouts, tomato, cucumbers or onion, this sandwich featured nothing crisp, nothing that indicated ‘Hey, you’re not just eating hot meat. This is a meal!’ Ugh. Separately I enjoyed the building blocks for this sandwich, but once they were put together and microwaved I found myself eating the sandwich as fast as possible just so that I wouldn’t have to deal with having it in my mouth anymore (I was hungry and running late to catch a train).

I sincerely enjoy eating hot turkey sandwiches made from freshly carved meat. I do not enjoy heated up sliced lunch meat. I also do not like paying to put together a sandwich. Sadly, there’s still another one of these in the fridge. I’m going to eat it cold or make it for George and pretend that I picked it up from the Safeway deli counter and see what he thinks.