MSRP: $4.19
Serving: 1 package, 6.5oz.
Calories: 330
Fat: 14%, 9g
Cholesterol: 8%, 20mg
Sodium: 26%, 640mg
Protein: 21g
Carbs: 14%, 41g
Fiber: 17%, 4g
Sugar: 4g
Weight Watchers Points: 7 Points

Lean Cuisine says: White meat chicken, tomato, bacon, cheddar and mozzarella cheese with a ranch sauce in a soft flatbread.

Josh says: In my quest for free meals and after my positive experience with the Lean Cuisine Chicken Philly Flatbread Melt, I decided to try the chicken ranch club. Much like the chicken Philly, the ranch club’s chicken didn’t have much taste. With the exception of one or two bites that had an unusual concentration of tomatoes or “bacon bits,” the meal amounted to little more than spreading a layer of ranch dressing on soft warm (somewhat rubbery) bread. For some reason the meal reminded me of that famous Anne Richards line about George Bush, Sr: “He was born with a silver foot in his mouth.” I bet it tasted better than the Lean Cuisine Chicken Ranch Club Flatbread Melt.

[This meal was free from the folks at Lean Cuisine. Nicole also reviewed the Lean Cuisine Chicken Ranch Club Flatbread Melt. Her review has a lovely photo and no references to Texas. -Ed.]

Price: $5.19
Serving: 1 bowl, 9.5oz.
Calories: 390
Fat: 28%, 18g
Cholesterol: 8%, 25mg
Sodium: 33%, 780mg
Protein: 18g
Carbs: 14%, 41g
Fiber: 28%, 7g
Weight Watchers Points: 8 Points

Amy’s Kitchen says: This casserole is based on a popular Mexican dish called “Chilaquiles.” When Amy’s parents first tasted it in Oaxaca they came back and asked Amy’s chefs to find the recipe. One of the chefs (whose family had owned a Mexican restaurant in San Francisco) was already familiar with the dish and adapted it to suit Amy’s Standards . . . organic ingredients, fewer “hot” spices, and less fat. The result is delicious and might remind you of a bowl of “nachos” made with organic baked corn chips and melted cheddar and jack cheeses. Plus . . . an assortment of organic vegetables and our own homemade fresh tofu. On the side are delicately seasoned slow-cooked black beans, making this gluten free meal in a bowl thoroughly satisfying.

Abi says: My apologies for the longest frozen food origin explanation in the world. It seems that the people at Amy’s Kitchen (and hey, if y’all are reading this, can I come visit you and tour the factory? Please?) ate a version of my most favorite hangover food EVER, came back to the United States, de-Mexicanized it, added tofu, and are now selling it as tortilla casserole.

When I saw this at the grocery store I was unnaturally excited about a frozen product. I was so eager to try this that I broke my cardinal rule of frozen food and paid a full $5.19 for this bowl.

As a person of Latin American heritage and a general enjoyer of food, I understand now that I made a mistake. Now I know how Italians feel when they think of Chef Boyardee. Where are the layers of flavor usually evident in Amy’s Kitchen meals? Where is the cheese? Why does the tofu have to be so obviously tofu-looking?

This bowl is full of mushy corn tortillas, bland tomato sauce (it would seem a shame to call it salsa or mole), and a healthy side of black beans. I know that it is possible to make a completely awesome meal out of those ingredients. However, this meal is not awesome. The bowl is filling, but it is also boring. It is so boring that at one point while eating it (during an I-want-to-be-President debate) I said out loud “Wow, this is boring.” and George asked “Hillary?” and I said “Well, her too, but I was talking about this meal.” And then he looked at it in a way that said ‘Yeah, it is not as good as my microwaved mini pizza.’

When something from Amy’s Kitchen is beat by a 79¢ pizza, you know there’s a problem. This meal makes me sad because I worry that an entire generation of healthful frozen food eating Americans are going to think of tortilla casserole or chilaquiles and they’ll think of this bowl.

This isn’t how it is folks and this isn’t how it has to be. If you’re looking for something Mexicanish and in the Amy’s Kitchen line, stick with the Santa Fe Enchilada Bowl, the Cheese Enchilada Meal or the Mexican Tamale Pie (just 2 points). Any of those is a terrific alternative to this dud.

Price: Provided by PR Company
SRP: $2.46
Serving: 1 pocket, 4.5oz.
Calories: 260
Fat: 11%, 7g
Cholesterol: 8%, 25mg
Sodium: 24%, 580mg
Protein: 12g
Carbs: 13%, 39g
Fiber: 14%, 4g
Sugar: 11g
Weight Watchers Points: 5 Points

Hot/Lean Pockets says: Roasted Turkey and Ham with low fat cheese with sauce in a crust.

Abi says: A couple of weeks ago I received an email from Nestle’s public relations people. They were writing to inform me that I’d be receiving multiple boxes of Lean Pockets in approximately 24 hours.

“Awesome,” I thought, knowing that the Hot Pockets category on HeatEatReview.com is sorely lacking reviews of anything but plain cheese pockets. And then I realized that they were sending that box to my old office, the one in Washington, DC.

I am in California. So, I sent an email to the PR folks letting them know about my new address. Visions of pepperoni danced in my head while I waited for the FedEx guy to show up with a box of dry-ice-encased Lean Pockets. Pepperoni Lean Pockets. I love pepperoni.

When the Lean Pockets arrived and were unpacked and sitting on my counter I realized that I had made a dreadful mistake. These were not pepperoni-containing items. They were not even the chicken fajita variety (which you should try, it is awesome), no these were all cheddar and chicken and brocolli combos.

Hmmmm. I put the boxes of pockets in the freezer and stayed away from microwave food for a couple of days, planning my dive into the world of Lean Pockets . . . I would get George to eat half of them.

My entre came the next day when George asked me if we had anything to eat.

“Yeah, I got some Hot Pockets the other day. You can have one of those.”
“Do I have to review them?”
“No, you just have to leave one for me to review.” In my mind my hands were rubbing together the way that evil super-geniuses rub their hands together when they are thinking about the destruction of the world.

George pulled a box out of the freezer and the plan fell apart.

“These aren’t Hot Pockets. These are Lean Pockets.” He said with disgust.
“You like Lean Pockets.”
“I do?”
“Yeah, those chicken fajita ones.” Do they even make those?
“I don’t see any chicken fajita ones here.”

Sigh.

I’d be alone in enduring the Lean Pocket marathon. I decided to start with the most innocuous(-seeming) in the bunch: Turkey, Ham and Cheese. I enjoyed sandwiches that contained turkey, ham and cheese. There should be no reason for me to dislike a pocket sandwich using those same items.

Holy freaking crap is this thing awful. I know that the idea is that you can have a potentially ‘healthy’ or ‘diet’ item and get to eat some hot melty cheese, but the reality of the matter is that this is bad, bad cheese. Low rent cheese. Ghetto cheese. This cheese reminds me of when I was a kid and we’d get food from the government that came in strict black and white packaging.

That sort of cheese. Lovers of Kraft Singles will probably adore this cheese. I found it to be watery, which is disgusting because we want cheese that is melty and gooey, but not actually a liquid. Viscosity is very, very important in melted cheese.

Nestled in that cheese was the meat. The weird, weird, meat. The photo on the box shows lovingly sliced and stacked deli meat. The reality is that the meat comes in ultra-thin, 1/2 inch-wide, 3 inch long strips. Band-Aids of meat, if you will. Really, really flat band-aids. I tried each of the meat-strips separately and have to admit that I could not tell the difference between the turkey and the ham. I’m assuming the ham was the darker meat strip, but I’m not positive on that one.

Encasing the watery cheese and mystery meat was a light, delightfully crisp crust. I really liked the crust. It was pleasantly flaky, plus it has whole grains. I’m sure that I’m supposed to have some understanding of what type of whole grains should be in my diet or how many grams I need a day but really I have no clue.

The amazing thing about this pocket is that the contents did not explode out of the pocket during the cooking process even though I had to cook the item for a considerable length of time due to the puniness of my microwave. This means that if you really want to, you can use the crisping sleeve as a carrying mechanism:

If only they made these for burritos. I’ve since warned my coworkers about the Lean Pockets. I wonder if they’ll still be in the office freezer at the end of this month.

Price: Provided by PR Company
Serving: 1 panini, 6oz.
Calories: 340
Fat: 12%, 8g
Cholesterol: 12%, 35mg
Sodium: 25%, 590mg
Protein: 21g
Carbs: 15%, 45g
Fiber: 16%, 4g
Sugar: 4g
Weight Watchers Points: 7 points

Lean Cuisine says: Tender white meat chicken, peppers, olives, tomatoes and margherita-style sauce on Italian herb bread

Jess says: During the holiday season, I hear a lot of people talking about losing and/or keeping off weight. They say this a lot, as if the power of the declaration will make all the temptation of green and red sprinkled donuts, ginger bread lattes and holiday food stuffs from business consultants disappear.

It wouldn’t surprise me if this time of year was a boom season for Lean Cuisine and may explain why my Giant is being so grinchy about their sales on my LC favorites. If you are willing to pay full price for a Lean Cuisine, I’d again encourage you to stay away from their Paninis. All of these sandwiches that I’ve tried (this would be the second, the first was the Chicken, Spinach and Mushroom variety) are best called stale-toast-inis and offer very little in either substance or taste. The bread uses the technology of microwave toasting sheets to come out hard, crusty and unappetizing. The fillings, which are entirely average tasting, are meager. The resulting itty-bitty square of food disappears quickly and leads to a cheated, empty, still-hungry feeling after lunch that puts a damper on the rest of the day.

Remember that the key to losing weight is smart eating and sweating in the sauna that is over-crowded malls. Starvation, on the other hand, often leads to binging on the free foodstuffs in the office kitchen at 3:19 pm and a strange sense of shame upon being caught having eaten it all by your repulsed coworker. Mmm, assorted chocolates.