Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Serving: 1 box: 5.7oz. of food + 6.75 fl. oz.
Calories: 440
Fat: 15%, 10g
Cholesterol: 8%, 25mg
Sodium: 40%, 960mg
Protein: 20g
Carbohydrates: 24%, 71g
Fiber: 4%, 1g
Weight Watchers Points: 9 Points

Lunchables says: Lunchables Mini Tacos includes three soft flour tortillas and seasoned ground beef in taco sauce, Capri Sun 100% Fruit Juice and Wonka Nerds artificially flavored cherry candies.

Abi says: $2.50 is a lot to pay for a Capri Sun, some Nerds and lost dignity. I didn’t know that ground beef could be so finely pureed, which is good to know if I ever have the combination of a feeding tube and a hamburger craving.

SRP: $3.33 (free from Smart Ones)
Serving: 1 meal, 9oz.
Calories: 280
Fat: 9%, 6g
Cholesterol: 4%, 10mg
Sodium: 29%, 700mg
Protein: 12g
Carbs: 15%, 44g
Fiber: 22%, 6g
Sugar: 7g
Weight Watchers Points: 5 Points

Smart Ones says: Tender bow tie pasta with broccoli florets and julienne-cut carrots in a creamy parmesan sauce

Abi says: Smart Ones sent us some coupons for free meals. I should have known better than to use one of them. Sure, brief look back at my dalliances with Smart Ones meals reveals that there are few items that I enjoyed: Smart Ones Thai Style Chicken and Rice Noodles and Smart Ones Chocolate Chip Muffins. But hey, I like almost all Thai food and muffins. Well, except Thai food with too much basil or muffins with blueberries. Or bananas. Or almond extract, which seems picky but still leaves a lot of muffins.

Uh, yeah. So about that frozen food that I don’t like as much as Thai food or muffins. Smart Ones, do you expect dieters to eat this and be satisfied? The pasta sauce is a big bunch of bland. For as long as I eat diet frozen food (which could easily be the rest of my life because they keep coming out with New! things) I will never understand why companies choose to ship bland items.

If I were on a diet, I’d want every single, little thing I ate to be a party in my mouth. This means flavors. This means spices. This does not mean ‘parmesan’ sauce without a detectable hint of cheese. A soon-to-be dietician friend and I were talking the other day and she was just flabbergasted at the way people try to diet and lose weight without flavors. Eating bland food won’t make you want less food, folks; it will just make you want tasty food. And those spices that make a difference in satiety? They don’t have calories. Its a miracle!

Resting in that bed of ‘parmesan’ sauce (which cooked up quite simply and beautifully, getting my hopes way to high) is the pasta. Bow tie pasta is a nice pasta to eat because it is easy to stab with a fork and the folds of the bow ties hold sauce well. If the sauce had been good I’d probably be raving about the pasta, but the sauce was not good, so all I can do now is wonder why they don’t just make the pasta out of whole wheat.

And the vegetables. Oh, vegetables. For me, ‘Primavera’ means one of two things: lots of vegetables or a bunch of naked women (okay, women draped in diaphanous silks) parading about in the forest and/or being kidnapped by Zephyr and then turning into some plants. This meal lacks vegetables, nudity, Federal offenses and metamorphoses, earning it an enormous FAIL.

Okay, so if it actually had nudity I’d be a bit freaked out., but still where are the vegetables? All I could find were the stalk parts of broccoli. Yes, the lame parts of the broccoli. If the front of the box says that your meal contains broccoli florets, then it is in your best interest to include the actual flower-like part of the broccoli. I felt like the frozen food world was playing a joke on me. And maybe it was playing a joke on me. When I went to read the back of the box to record the information for this review I found not one, but two typos:

How this meal escaped into the wild I’ll never know, but if Smart Ones took it back to the lab and added real broccoli florets and seasoning (cheese and garlic) then it could be four star material. Until then I will just be content in the fact that I don’t have any more coupons for free Smart Ones meals on hand.

Price: $1.50 on sale at CVS
Serving: 1 bowl cup, 2.5oz.+water
Calories: 270
Fat: 4%, 2.8g
Cholesterol: 0%, 20mg
Sodium: 31%, 736mg
Protein: 5.1g
Carbs: 19%, 57g
Fiber: 3%, 0.6g
Sugar: 3.9g
Weight Watchers Points: 6 WW Points

Simply Asia says:Our soup bowl combines authentic 100% pure rice noodles in a delicious broth, vegetables and a traditional seasoning for a quick and satisfying meals in just 3 minutes.

Abi says: Thanks to Gluten-Free Girl, I know that if I were suddenly diagnosed with gluten intolerance I could live a life full of delicious, beautiful food. Sure, it would make writing for Heat Eat Review a bit difficult, but it wouldn’t be a hardship for home eating.

Unless, of course, I decided to purchase this soup bowl. When I dropped this into my basket at CVS (a pharmacy), I must have momentarily blanked on a previous Simply Asia meal that smelled like burnt tires. My excuse: I had a brain freeze after spending a half-hour watching the sun set from the steps of the Supreme Court (highly recommended on warm days, on cold days the bases of the marble columns will turn your bum into a block of ice) and I was on a post-Easter Cadbury Creme Egg Hunt (not for me, I think they are gross and that all of you fondant-loving fools are strange, strange people). Also, I have a website that requires me to eat (or at least heat up and taste) things that smell like burnt tires.

I followed the meal-preparation instructions closely: adding ‘vegetable’ and oil packets (should have been labeled ‘vegetable flakes’ and the oil is optional), filling to the ‘fill-line’ and microwaving for a few minutes. Then I sat down to eat some undercooked noodles. Okay, I can handle that. Another minute sitting on the counter and the ’soup’ was still hot, this time with limp, edible noodles.

Much to the chagrin of my taste buds, the noodles and the brother were both devoid of flavor, leading me to wonder in what Asian country “traditional seasoning” means “colored water”. The Spring Vegetable contingent was represented with four peas and a couple of pieces of dehydrated carrot. Okay, ten pieces of dehydrated carrot, a few kernels of corn and some shreds of green onion (I think). I wish I was kidding about this, but there is more vegetable matter in a single baby carrot than in this entire ‘Spring Vegetable’ noodle bowl. I resigned myself to finishing this flavorless, four-pea-featuring bowl of noodles, then poured the ‘broth’ down the drain.

I am now officially on the hunt for only food that looks fantastically delicious. Well, as soon as I try the 14 boxes of most likely mediocre food sitting in my freezer right now. Simply Asia might be making noodle bowls appropriate for Celiacs and college students alike, but just because you can eat these doesn’t mean that you should.

[Yes, I went overboard with the double and single quotes in this review. If you’d like to make fun of me for that, I have an even better site for your reading/wasting time at work pleasure: The “Blog” of “Unnecessary” Quotation Marks.]

Price: $2.59
Serving: 1 corn dog, 2.5oz.
Calories: 160
Fat: 5%, 3.5g
Cholesterol: 0%, 0mg
Sodium: 23%, 560mg
Protein: 9g
Carbs: 7%, 22g
Fiber: 4%, 1g
Sugar: 4g
Weight Watchers Points: 3 Points

Trader Joe says: Low Fat, 4 grams of Soy Protein per Serving

Abi says: Yes, I’m still on the eternal quest for the perfect corn dog. I want something that reminds me of a carnival, complete with funnel cakes, rickety ferris wheels and goldfish that meet unfortunate deaths via ping-pong ball games.

Trader Joe’s meatless version comes nowhere near the actuality of a corn dog. I find this confusing because the meat in corn dogs is so far away from actual animal muscle that I’m surprised it can’t be replicated with vegetable products. I suspect that my Morningstar Sausage-related hypothesis of the need for connective tissue comes into play here as well.

The first problem with these corn dogs is the lack of snap. I know, that sounds disgusting. It is disgusting. And there’s no way to describe ’snap’ better than the resistance a hot dog has to being eaten. Yes, I judge food based on how much it doesn’t want to be consumed. The second problem with these corn dogs is the batter. Even after being baked in a real oven the interior of the cornbread breading was wet rather than fluffy. Considering that I base a large portion of my food judgments on texture it wasn’t surprising that I only took a couple of bites of the corn dog.

The box of three leftover corn dogs then sat in my freezer for a month before I decided to toss them in favor or newer, more exciting frozen items.

I don’t buy fake meats for my own amusement. I buy them because I think there’s a chance they’ll make plausible substitutes for real, less-healthy meats. I buy them hoping that I can lower the amount of fossil fuels used to create my meals (and yet I run this website). And I buy them with the hope that someday cloned, cultured meat will exist and I won’t have to make these choices anymore.

Further information on meat:

1. Hot Dog Reviews at Slate.com
2. Cloned/Cultured meat
3. Reviews of healthy food at the new Nationals stadium