SRP: $3.33 (free from Smart Ones)
Serving: 1 meal, 9oz.
Calories: 280
Fat: 9%, 6g
Cholesterol: 4%, 10mg
Sodium: 29%, 700mg
Protein: 12g
Carbs: 15%, 44g
Fiber: 22%, 6g
Sugar: 7g
Weight Watchers Points: 5 Points

Smart Ones says: Tender bow tie pasta with broccoli florets and julienne-cut carrots in a creamy parmesan sauce

Abi says: Smart Ones sent us some coupons for free meals. I should have known better than to use one of them. Sure, brief look back at my dalliances with Smart Ones meals reveals that there are few items that I enjoyed: Smart Ones Thai Style Chicken and Rice Noodles and Smart Ones Chocolate Chip Muffins. But hey, I like almost all Thai food and muffins. Well, except Thai food with too much basil or muffins with blueberries. Or bananas. Or almond extract, which seems picky but still leaves a lot of muffins.

Uh, yeah. So about that frozen food that I don’t like as much as Thai food or muffins. Smart Ones, do you expect dieters to eat this and be satisfied? The pasta sauce is a big bunch of bland. For as long as I eat diet frozen food (which could easily be the rest of my life because they keep coming out with New! things) I will never understand why companies choose to ship bland items.

If I were on a diet, I’d want every single, little thing I ate to be a party in my mouth. This means flavors. This means spices. This does not mean ‘parmesan’ sauce without a detectable hint of cheese. A soon-to-be dietician friend and I were talking the other day and she was just flabbergasted at the way people try to diet and lose weight without flavors. Eating bland food won’t make you want less food, folks; it will just make you want tasty food. And those spices that make a difference in satiety? They don’t have calories. Its a miracle!

Resting in that bed of ‘parmesan’ sauce (which cooked up quite simply and beautifully, getting my hopes way to high) is the pasta. Bow tie pasta is a nice pasta to eat because it is easy to stab with a fork and the folds of the bow ties hold sauce well. If the sauce had been good I’d probably be raving about the pasta, but the sauce was not good, so all I can do now is wonder why they don’t just make the pasta out of whole wheat.

And the vegetables. Oh, vegetables. For me, ‘Primavera’ means one of two things: lots of vegetables or a bunch of naked women (okay, women draped in diaphanous silks) parading about in the forest and/or being kidnapped by Zephyr and then turning into some plants. This meal lacks vegetables, nudity, Federal offenses and metamorphoses, earning it an enormous FAIL.

Okay, so if it actually had nudity I’d be a bit freaked out., but still where are the vegetables? All I could find were the stalk parts of broccoli. Yes, the lame parts of the broccoli. If the front of the box says that your meal contains broccoli florets, then it is in your best interest to include the actual flower-like part of the broccoli. I felt like the frozen food world was playing a joke on me. And maybe it was playing a joke on me. When I went to read the back of the box to record the information for this review I found not one, but two typos:

How this meal escaped into the wild I’ll never know, but if Smart Ones took it back to the lab and added real broccoli florets and seasoning (cheese and garlic) then it could be four star material. Until then I will just be content in the fact that I don’t have any more coupons for free Smart Ones meals on hand.

Price: $2.59
Serving: 1 corn dog, 2.5oz.
Calories: 160
Fat: 5%, 3.5g
Cholesterol: 0%, 0mg
Sodium: 23%, 560mg
Protein: 9g
Carbs: 7%, 22g
Fiber: 4%, 1g
Sugar: 4g
Weight Watchers Points: 3 Points

Trader Joe says: Low Fat, 4 grams of Soy Protein per Serving

Abi says: Yes, I’m still on the eternal quest for the perfect corn dog. I want something that reminds me of a carnival, complete with funnel cakes, rickety ferris wheels and goldfish that meet unfortunate deaths via ping-pong ball games.

Trader Joe’s meatless version comes nowhere near the actuality of a corn dog. I find this confusing because the meat in corn dogs is so far away from actual animal muscle that I’m surprised it can’t be replicated with vegetable products. I suspect that my Morningstar Sausage-related hypothesis of the need for connective tissue comes into play here as well.

The first problem with these corn dogs is the lack of snap. I know, that sounds disgusting. It is disgusting. And there’s no way to describe ’snap’ better than the resistance a hot dog has to being eaten. Yes, I judge food based on how much it doesn’t want to be consumed. The second problem with these corn dogs is the batter. Even after being baked in a real oven the interior of the cornbread breading was wet rather than fluffy. Considering that I base a large portion of my food judgments on texture it wasn’t surprising that I only took a couple of bites of the corn dog.

The box of three leftover corn dogs then sat in my freezer for a month before I decided to toss them in favor or newer, more exciting frozen items.

I don’t buy fake meats for my own amusement. I buy them because I think there’s a chance they’ll make plausible substitutes for real, less-healthy meats. I buy them hoping that I can lower the amount of fossil fuels used to create my meals (and yet I run this website). And I buy them with the hope that someday cloned, cultured meat will exist and I won’t have to make these choices anymore.

Further information on meat:

1. Hot Dog Reviews at Slate.com
2. Cloned/Cultured meat
3. Reviews of healthy food at the new Nationals stadium

Price: $2.59
Serving: 1 pattie, 1.34oz.
Calories: 80
Fat:5%, 3g
Cholesterol: 0%, 0mg
Sodium: 11%, 260mg
Protein: 10g
Carbs: 1%, 3g
Fiber: 6%, 1g
Sugar: <1g
Weight Watchers Points: 2 Points

Morningstar Farms says: Savory, sizzling veggie patties seasoned with herbs and spices.

Abi says: I hesitate to write about these vegetarian sausage patties. It isn’t that I think you’ll all run to your nearest Trader Joe’s to buy them (though you should because at TJ’s they’re half the regular grocery store price). No, I’m worried that my fiance will read this review and finally learn that the breakfast sausage we ate throughout the winter was actually made of soy. This is why I don’t have a photo of the cooked sausage, though it looks exactly the same as the photo on the box.

I know that the Morningstar Farms veggie sausage, which is prone to overcooking, could never be confused with the truly amazing housemade sausage patties at Austin’s Kerby Lane Cafe. But if you’re worried about the amount of Jimmy Dean in your shopping cart, I implore you to try this breakfast item.

Each pattie is already brown, so all you need to do is heat them in the microwave and then crisp them a bit on each side. Burning the patties is easier than you’d think, especially if you’re used to cooking real made-with-meat sausage. Additionally, they have a confusing texture, much like real, slightly overcooked sausage, except they achieve granularity much more quickly than real sausage. I believe this is because vegetarian sausage lacks the connective tissue products one might find in standard sausage products. In addition to lacking tendons and such, each pattie has 1/2 the calories and 1/5 the fat of the same amount of pork sausage.

These ’sausage’ patties, when served alongside a suitably dramatic item (I recommend French Toast Casserole with Pecan-Brown Sugar Streusel), will potentially be mistaken for real sausage. But if you’d like to just make your own homestyle sausage, you can’t go wrong with Homesick Texan’s Sausage Recipe. A warning before you click that link: if you’re a displaced Texas you’ll spend the rest of the afternoon wishing you were back home in the Lone Star State.

Price: $4.00
Serving: 1/2 package, 5oz.
Calories: 210
Fat: 22%, 14g
Cholesterol: 0%, 0mg
Sodium: 19%, 470mg
Protein: 3g
Carbohydrates: 6%, 19g
Fiber: 11%, 3g
Weight Watchers Points: 5 per Serving

Deep Foods says: Mixed Vegetables sauteed and seasoned in authentic Indian style. Vegetarian Delight.

Jess says: When it comes to microwave food, I’ve been around the block a few times. I know the staples, the Stouffers and Lean Cuisines of this world. And I know about the niche markets of vegan delights and celebrity named frozen food brands. I have explored the freezer cases of many a supermarket, organic market and convenience store. So it is with great pleasure that I embark on new territory. Oh to be the Leif Erickson of this flash frozen new world! It is an honor, ney, a privilege. To find this Undhiu Indian food brand was a special treat because, damn, I love Indian food. The things Indian chefs can do with mere peas! Peas! Bring it on, I say.

It was only when I opened this box that I realized there was no rice in this meal. What a let down. No matter how tastily compiled your Indian fare maybe, you need that starchy rice goodness to sop up all the liquid and expand in your hungry stomach. Otherwise you have less of a meal and more of a spicy soupy appetizer. So I left the meal to thaw and picked up some basmati rice, naan and stuffed grape leaves at this foodery of unknown ethnic allegiance down the street. They mix Indian, Mediterranean and American all over their menu, but they are cheap and delicious so I don’t ask too many questions.

Back at the office, and now super hungry, I fell into a trance staring at the microwave and took in the sweet, spicy smells of this meal coming to life. True to smell, the taste was nothing short of kick ass. It’s on the sweeter nutmegish side with a good helping of veggies. And what is that tender burst of goodness my mouth encountered? A sweet potato! Well, hello beautiful. With the rice and naan, the portion was mighty and managed to be enough for a second lunch the next day. Each day I found myself to be the happiest of the desk-enslaved.

So now, Internet, I’m torn. How does one rate a truly delicious meal that is not a self contained entity, but merely a key ingredient to the final product? I think I still have to give it 3 stars. With the rice and naan, I spent over $8 on this meal which is A LOT for microwave food. It did last 2 days, though, which puts it at $4 a meal which isn’t too bad. But then there is the cost of doing so much extra work to get the final product together. Once I got to the eatery I just could have bought their food, which I like to pretend is fresh, and would have been done with the whole fiasco of lunching. Let us remember that the idea of microwave food is the convenience. Still, I would recommend that you try this brand if you stumble on it. Just remember to have some rice on hand.

Ingredients: Potatoes, Eggplant, Green Beans, Pigeon Peas, Corn Oil, Bell Peppers, Sweet Potatoes, Lima Beans, Tomatoes, Plantain, Spinach, Chickpeas, Sugar, Coconut, Coriander, Salt, Spices, Peppers, Sesame Seeds, Wheat Flour, Rye, Turmeric and Citric Acid.

[If you’re into Trader Joe’s products, we recommend the microwavable rice (it comes in boxes) and the frozen naan. Amy adores Trader Joe’s Garlic Naan. -Ed.]