Price: $2.00 on sale
Serving: 1 package, 6 5/8oz.
Calories: 520
Fat: 35%, 23g
Cholesterol: 15%, 45mg
Sodium: 46%, 1110mg
Protein: 21g
Carbohydrates: 19%, 58g
Fiber: 12%, 3g
Sugar: 5g
Weight Watchers Points: 12 Points

Stouffer’s says: Italian sausage, genoa salami and bacon in a spicy arrabbiata sauce, topped with a blend of mozzarella, parmesan, asiago and romano cheeses.

Abi says: You might notice that there are some distinct differences between my Stouffer’s Flatbread and the one shown in the photo on the box. For instance, mine seems to be missing a significant amount of cheese. Also, the meat appears minimally and in a highly chunky, unintegrated form. It is as though the Genoa salami first destroyed the baco culture, then decided that segregation was a reasonable way of life in frozen pizza land. You can see that they’ve colonized the southern end of the flatbread, making way for a salami-centric way of life.

Or perhaps they are following in Columbus’s footsteps and exploring the next frontier for pizza-topping-kind. He was from Genoa.

I didn’t realize until consuming this flatbread that I do not enjoy chunks of salami. Each piece intruded on the pizza-eating experience like the nubs of fatty, well-cooked pencil erasers, a textural sensation I can do without.

The saving grace of this meal is the well-herbed flatbread. It bursts with flavor and makes me with that it came unadorned with perhaps little packets of balsamic vineager and olive oil for dipping. Though, I can just imagine the trouble involved in defrosting condiments. Okay, maybe Stouffer’s should just sell the flatbread on its own as a pizza crust or dinner starting point.

With more care given to the toppings (and maybe more toppings, because where they heck are those 12 Weight Watchers Points coming from, anyways?) this pizza could be a decent appetizer. With improvements I would bake it in the microwave (adequate) or oven (better) and cut each one into small rectangles, perfect for serving to friends during the Stanley Cup Finals. With improvements.

Price: $2.50 on sale
Servings per package: 2
Serving: 1 calzone, 5oz.
Calories: 290
Fat: 9%, 6g
Cholesterol: 8%, 25mg
Sodium: 26%, 620mg
Protein: 14g
Carbohydrates: 16%, 47g
Fiber: 23%, 6g
Sugar: 6g
Weight Watchers Points: 6 Points

Smart Ones says: Low fat mozzarella cheese, the zesty flavor of Italian sausage and hearty tomato sauce in oven baked bread.

Abi says: While visiting a college friend in Seattle, I left a box of these in her freezer. When I returned a month later she informed me that she’d consumed both calzones. I took this as a sign that they’d be good. It was actually a sign that people who teach middle school science and have a lot of student loans to pay back will probably eat any food that you leave in the freezer.

This Smart Ones calzone tastes like high school. No, not Teen Spirit deodorant, fresh notebooks and formaldehyde. These calzones tastes exactly exactly like the pizza pockets available for $1.00 each in the cafeteria. I was a cold lunch kid (thanks, mom!), so I rarely had the opportunity to eat those pizza pockets. They stood for a level of unattainable coolness that I’d try to achieve by becoming a cheerleader.

The pocket itself is innocuous, at once crackery and soft. Not a spectacular pocket, but not a horrible one. It is a bit thicker than I’d expect for a ‘weight loss’ calzone and basically tastes like bread minus flavor. The sauce had an element of low-sugar Ragu and appeared to be pre-blended with cheese. I could have made sculptures with the sauce. Instead, I just smeared it around my plate debating my own hunger vs. walking to Potbelly for a cup of chili.

The sausage in this meal is made up of a variety of meats, making it off limits to Kosher friends by its existence and the inclusion of pork. Don’t worry about feeling left out; this stuff is rubbery, with a too-chewiness that will make you wonder if you’re eating spiced bouncy-balls. Smart Ones has a way to go in pursuit of perfectly microwavable sausage.

I paired this calzone with one of those ubiquitous Green Giant vegetable steamers (yes, I ate the whole thing). While I was full, I wasn’t satisfied from this trip back to angst-ville.

Price: $2.08 + tax
Serving: 9 1/8 oz
Calories: 280
Fat: 11%, 7g
Cholesterol: 17%, 50mg
Sodium: 26%, 630mg
Protein: 23g
Carbohydrates: 10%, 30g
Fiber: 8%, 2g
Weight Watchers Points: 6 Points

Lean Cuisine says: Swedish meatballs with pasta in a savory gravy.

Becky says: When I think of Swedish meatballs, I think of football parties, Crock Pots, and poking at people with the toothpicks that you’ve used to dig out those little morsels of drippy, meaty, goodness…definitely not Lean Cuisine material. So when a good friend, J, told me that this meal was one of her favorites, I decided to give it a try – I’m game for trying (almost) anything once!

Luckily, I know how to work our office microwave – because the package asks you to cook this at 50% power. At home, I’d be outta luck, since the microwave we have is an el-cheapo that I bought when I started college…nearly 12 years ago. It doesn’t have the ability to cook at any level other than high, but I can’t bear to part with it because it just won’t die! Anyway, long story short – know how to work your microwave.

Overall, I was pleasantly surprised in this dish – especially after adding some black pepper. The meatballs were big & juicy (I was expecting tough) – I could easily cut them into 4 smaller pieces and mix them in with the noodles and gravy. They’re a beef/pork combination – but something I’ve been curious about for a while now is why we never see ground turkey in any of these frozen meals. Granted, you’ll never see me eat a turkey cheeseburger, but in dishes where meat is not the main character, turkey is a fantastic replacement.

The gravy was almost savory – it reminded me of beef stroganoff – which in turn made me crave mushrooms. Besides that, the main thing the gravy was lacking was more onion – that would have definitely helped to move this gravy decidedly into the ‘savory’ category. The noodles turned out surprisingly well – a perfect al dente – which I’m found is hard to achieve in a frozen meal.

All in all, I was pleasantly surprised in this meal. You definitely need a veggie side dish (ex. salad or frozen mixed veggies) to round out the meal, but I’ll have to thank J for recommending this meal to me – I’ll definitely buy it again.

Price: Provided by PR Company
SRP: $2.46
Serving: 1 pocket, 4.5oz.
Calories: 260
Fat: 11%, 7g
Cholesterol: 8%, 25mg
Sodium: 24%, 580mg
Protein: 12g
Carbs: 13%, 39g
Fiber: 14%, 4g
Sugar: 11g
Weight Watchers Points: 5 Points

Hot/Lean Pockets says: Roasted Turkey and Ham with low fat cheese with sauce in a crust.

Abi says: A couple of weeks ago I received an email from Nestle’s public relations people. They were writing to inform me that I’d be receiving multiple boxes of Lean Pockets in approximately 24 hours.

“Awesome,” I thought, knowing that the Hot Pockets category on HeatEatReview.com is sorely lacking reviews of anything but plain cheese pockets. And then I realized that they were sending that box to my old office, the one in Washington, DC.

I am in California. So, I sent an email to the PR folks letting them know about my new address. Visions of pepperoni danced in my head while I waited for the FedEx guy to show up with a box of dry-ice-encased Lean Pockets. Pepperoni Lean Pockets. I love pepperoni.

When the Lean Pockets arrived and were unpacked and sitting on my counter I realized that I had made a dreadful mistake. These were not pepperoni-containing items. They were not even the chicken fajita variety (which you should try, it is awesome), no these were all cheddar and chicken and brocolli combos.

Hmmmm. I put the boxes of pockets in the freezer and stayed away from microwave food for a couple of days, planning my dive into the world of Lean Pockets . . . I would get George to eat half of them.

My entre came the next day when George asked me if we had anything to eat.

“Yeah, I got some Hot Pockets the other day. You can have one of those.”
“Do I have to review them?”
“No, you just have to leave one for me to review.” In my mind my hands were rubbing together the way that evil super-geniuses rub their hands together when they are thinking about the destruction of the world.

George pulled a box out of the freezer and the plan fell apart.

“These aren’t Hot Pockets. These are Lean Pockets.” He said with disgust.
“You like Lean Pockets.”
“I do?”
“Yeah, those chicken fajita ones.” Do they even make those?
“I don’t see any chicken fajita ones here.”

Sigh.

I’d be alone in enduring the Lean Pocket marathon. I decided to start with the most innocuous(-seeming) in the bunch: Turkey, Ham and Cheese. I enjoyed sandwiches that contained turkey, ham and cheese. There should be no reason for me to dislike a pocket sandwich using those same items.

Holy freaking crap is this thing awful. I know that the idea is that you can have a potentially ‘healthy’ or ‘diet’ item and get to eat some hot melty cheese, but the reality of the matter is that this is bad, bad cheese. Low rent cheese. Ghetto cheese. This cheese reminds me of when I was a kid and we’d get food from the government that came in strict black and white packaging.

That sort of cheese. Lovers of Kraft Singles will probably adore this cheese. I found it to be watery, which is disgusting because we want cheese that is melty and gooey, but not actually a liquid. Viscosity is very, very important in melted cheese.

Nestled in that cheese was the meat. The weird, weird, meat. The photo on the box shows lovingly sliced and stacked deli meat. The reality is that the meat comes in ultra-thin, 1/2 inch-wide, 3 inch long strips. Band-Aids of meat, if you will. Really, really flat band-aids. I tried each of the meat-strips separately and have to admit that I could not tell the difference between the turkey and the ham. I’m assuming the ham was the darker meat strip, but I’m not positive on that one.

Encasing the watery cheese and mystery meat was a light, delightfully crisp crust. I really liked the crust. It was pleasantly flaky, plus it has whole grains. I’m sure that I’m supposed to have some understanding of what type of whole grains should be in my diet or how many grams I need a day but really I have no clue.

The amazing thing about this pocket is that the contents did not explode out of the pocket during the cooking process even though I had to cook the item for a considerable length of time due to the puniness of my microwave. This means that if you really want to, you can use the crisping sleeve as a carrying mechanism:

If only they made these for burritos. I’ve since warned my coworkers about the Lean Pockets. I wonder if they’ll still be in the office freezer at the end of this month.