Price: $3.99
Serving: 1/3 pizza, 8oz.
Calories: 360
Fat: 21%, 14g
Cholesterol: 20%, 60mg
Sodium: 32%, 770mg
Protein: 26g
Carbs: 11%, 32g
Fiber: 8%, 2g
Weight Watchers Points: 8 Points

Trader Joe says: Did you ever think you’d find a Philly Cheesesteak in the pizza section? Neither did we, until we came across this delicious creation. Inspired by the City of Brotherly Love, Trader Joe’s Philly Cheesesteak Pizza is destined to become aclassic in its own right. We’ve topped this pizza’s crust with thinly sliced, perfectly seasoned USDA choice roast beef, roasted onions, red & yellow bell peppers and four savory cheeses.

Abi says: Before this whole review gets underway, I’d like to let all of you know that I’ve never actually had a Philly cheesesteak in Philadelphia. I’ve had cheesesteaks (with provolone, not Cheez Whiz) and I’ve been to Philadelphia (Core de Roma is a completely charming Italian restaurant serving Roman cuisine. You should go there. And get the artichokes. They are so good you will die.) but I haven’t had cheesesteak in Philadelphia. I’m sure it is transcendent.

This lack of experience can’t stop me from telling you what’s wrong with this pizza: too many toppings. That’s right, there’s just too much beef and cheese and too many peppers and onions. Seriously, Trader Joe, do you think that I have forks at my disposal? Do you think that I’m going to eat some toppings off the top of the pizza to make consumption easier?

The most common complaint I hear about frozen pizza is “There weren’t enough toppings.” Sure, pizza crust and sauce are usually nice, but they simply serve as a way for people to eat large quantities of salty meat without feeling like they’ve become temporary adherents to the Atkins diet.

Sadly, there’s a downside to having so many toppings on a pizza: the toppings in the middle were somewhat cool even though the edges of the pizza were definitely done. That crazy-delicious amount of seasoned sliced steak should probably be broiled at some point, but lacking that sort of patience (heat the oven to 500 degrees? and then watch it to make sure my pizza doesn’t burn? ha!).

I just tossed a couple already-sliced pieces in the microwave. They were still good enough to eat with relish and the entire pizza (which is on the medium-to-small side) was hearty enough to feed and sate two hungry adults.

Price: $3.59
Serving: 1 Beef Frank with Bun, 3.4 oz.
Calories: 300
Fat: 31%, 20g
Cholesterol: 12%, 35mg
Sodium: 35%, 830mg
Protein: 10g
Carbohydrates: 7%, 21g
Fiber: 4%, 1g
Weight Watchers Points: 7 Points

Oscar Mayer says: Oscar Mayer Fast Franks taste great thanks to the specially designed microweavable tray that heats the bakery-fresh bun just right, so it’s soft and warm right out of the microwave!

Abi says: If you don’t like hot dogs, these Oscar Mayer Fast Franks certainly won’t convince you to start enjoying them. However, if you do eat hot dogs, these are pretty much perfect for the dead of winter when you’re sorely missing barbecue season.

I first purchased these in the midst of a horrid DC winter and they seemed a perfectly reasonable buy. Then I got home and George made fun of me, because who buys prepackaged hot dogs and buns, huh?

Well, I don’t know about you, but I can’t imagine eating 8 hot dogs in buns over the course of a week. However, 3 small ones seem perfectly reasonable to consume over the course of several days. So, that makes me the person that buys the pre-assembled hot dogs.

The hot dogs themselves aren’t particularly wonderful, in fact they are a bit small, about 4/5 the size of a regular hot dog. They taste like mainstream hot dogs: salty and unidentifiably meaty with a note of summer, but feature none of the huge flavor that comes with the Hebrew National hot dogs available at Costco. The buns are dry, which is most likely due to the fact that they have to sit on the shelf for a long time before someone will buy them. Furthermore, you’re entering dangerous bread territory when you get out the microwave. Microwave rays affect bread in such a way that if it is not consumed quickly it will harden into an inedible mass of carbohydrates.

This winter, I’ll satisfy my hot dog want by taking trips to Costco. That way I can get a hot dog and a soda for just $1.50, plus tax (making the total $1.68) and I can pick up some copies of Real Simple and Discover and InStyle for 30% off the cover price (magazines are my drug, coffee too), gaze longingly at enormous tubs of artichoke spinach dip, and visit all of the friendly sample ladies and the gruff energy bar dude.

Price: $2.00 on sale
Serving: 1 bowl, 9oz.
Calories: 290 per serving
Fat: 8%, 5g
Cholesterol: 10%, 30mg
Sodium: 33%, 790mg
Protein: 15g
Carbohydrates: 14%, 42g
Fiber: 24%, 6g
Sugar: 2g
Weight Watchers Points: 5 Per Bowl

Taco Bell says: Mexican-style rice, refried beans, steak strips, smoky fiesta sauce with onions, red bell peppers, and green bell peppers

Andrew says: The terror I felt when I beheld this non-frozen, non-refrigerated, Taco Bell-sponsored meal is indescribable. Tally it up: shelf-stable meat with spicy sauce and refried beans and the Taco Bell name on the packaging. Would a real-life zombie be more or less scary?

Honestly, I do love me some Taco Bell. I always go for the double decker taco or a Baja beef chalupa if I’m feeling saucy. I also enjoy the “Mexican” “pizza” and the empanadas, which is essentially Taco Bell’s version of the McDonald’s apple pie. Taco Bell is what I thought it was: it’s cheap and potentially a gastrointestinal disaster. It doesn’t disgust me or surprise me, but it nearly always satisfies.

Still, though, with Taco Bell’s reputation as a slapdash fast-food outfit, the idea of shelf-stable food (yikes) with the Taco Bell name and all the baggage that carries (what is this meat made of, anyway?) is intimidating. But because Abi was kind enough to send me this food for free to review, I dove in with only a fork to protect myself.

The packaging makes it look as though you can expect about a third of the bowlz’s volume to be taken up by the meatlike steak strips. This is not actually the case. I didn’t bother to count how many strips I consumed, but I’m going to bet it was fewer than 10. Perhaps eight? And due to the monochromatic nature of the meal (brown rice, brown beans, brown sauce, brown meat and peppers dulled to a brownish red or green), when you’re done heating it up and you go to stir it, you’ll probably do what I did and stir it all up into a beany, rice-y, meaty paste.

How did it taste? How DIDN’T it taste! Uh, well it didn’t taste much like anything I’d order at Taco Bell in real life. The beans and rice are true to the Taco Bell canon, but the steak bits are small and unsatisfying, not at all like the steak bits you get when you splurge for the steak gordita or chalupa (I’m not kidding, those steak chunks are quite tasty). The spice is generic and doesn’t even approximate the drive-thru Tex-Mex appeal of a Taco Bell dish.

Overall, I’m impressed the dish didn’t make me go blind or give me the Ebola virus, and considering that, I can’t really recommend humans willingly consume this.

Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Serving: 1 package, 16oz.
Calories: 630 per serving
Fat: 55%, 36g
Cholesterol: 40%, 120mg
Sodium: 74%, 1780mg
Protein: 35g
Carbs: 14%, 43g
Fiber: 24%, 6g
Sugar: 7g
Weight Watchers Points: 16 points

Claim Jumper says: A giant ground beef steak grilled with a smokey flavor and brown gravy. Served along with it’s favorite side dishes, broccoli and macaroni and cheese.

Nicole says: I felt like Indiana Jones when I found this last night at the grocery store - a new brand of frozen food! More Claim Jumper reviews will be forthcoming. This meal is produced by a company running a chain of restaurant by the same name on the West Coast and into the Mid-West a bit. They are apparently known at the restaurant for their large portions. Yay, what a great way to get ready for a Winter of hibernating! All the meals I selected from this line last night are 16 ounces - that’s One LB., but unlike some sexist Swanson lines, Claim Jumper doesn’t feel the need to yell about size from the mountain tops or emblazon it in large letters across their packaging.

The preparation of this meal was on the caliber of a Marie Callender meal - the gravy packet was heated separately in a bowl (first time I’ve seen this in a Salisbury Steak dish), the broccoli had one tablespoon of water added before cooking, and both the meat/cheese/pasta plate section and the frozen bag of gravy had to be stabbed 2-4 times with a fork before cooking - when they say “to vent”, do they know I’m having a bad day at work? The cooking time is too ambiguous at “five to nine minutes”, so I chose the safe route - seven is central. Then I added ten seconds since I had a lasagna recently with a cool center. Bad decision. My macaroni burned on one edge :(.

Did I MENTION that the meal comes with Macaroni & Cheese? Large, thick, ribbed macaroni noodles make it feel homestyle and bright yellow cheese with a hint of Velveeta-ish flavor provide a devilishly tasty in the “I’m being a bad girl” way (versus the “Do you have any Grey Poupon” way). The broccoli steams pretty well - it could be a bit firmer, but it is far from mush and tastes as fresh and green as it looks.

And this thing they call “Salisbury Steak”. As if it’s not strange enough that the gravy is packaged separately, is not remotely gelatinous, and is offered in such a large portion that I, of all people, chose to discard a third - this meat has a tenderized but hearty, dense texture. You know how most Salisbury steak is a bit spongy? Which isn’t terrible, I mean, if it is manually tenderized, that can result. But this is just such an unusual, tasty, cut-of-meat versus reconstituted meat type texture. Not to say it’s not reconstituted (I’ll report back on that after I sneak into the Claim Jumper plant to do some research), but it doesn’t necessarily taste or feel reconstituted.

I am full, but I am not stuffed. And I feel like I had what could be described as a balance of healthy and tasty and super-fattening in my meal. Buy Claim Jumper food!