Price: $3.00
Serving: 1 pizza, 6.3 oz.
Calories: 340
Fat: 17%, 11g
Sodium: 27%, 650mg
Protein: 42%, 31g
Carbs: 12%, 36g
Fiber: 40%, 10g

South Beach says: Harvest Wheat Crust Pizza. Reduced Fat Mozzarella Cheese with Parmesan, Romano, and Asiago Cheeses. New Crispier Crust from the Microwave! Changing the way America eats.

The statement above was cobbled together from multiple statements on the box.

Amy says: So I am doing this review mid-meal, something I have never done before. The reason for this was that I thought up what I think is a brilliant analogy for this pizza, but now that I think about it more, it seems less ingenious. Here it goes: this pizza resembles a fried egg to me. In the center is some cheese that looks the way melted cheese is supposed to look like when it is freshly melted and all of the cheese around it looks like cheese that was melted approximately 57 hours ago. The box says that I will get a crispier crust, it says nothing of crispier cheese. I just tried rapping my knuckles against the edge of the pizza and not only did it not stick to my fingers, but it made an audible knocking sound and has made my knuckles turn pink, I hope it doesn’t bruise.

The center of the pizza isn’t terrible. The crust tastes of cardboard, but the sauce has a little kick to it and the 2 inch circle (I am talking diameter here) of properly melted cheese is pleasant. The crust is soggy in the middle and the “crisp” perimeter is more like the crispiness you get when bread is stale, not the oven fired kind.

The nutrition value of this item isn’t awful. There is a lot of protein, fiber and calcium. There is still a lot of sodium, but I am learning that is something I will have to accept if I am to continue eating frozen entrees.

I am now noticing that there is nowhere on the box where it rambles on about the merits of the taste of this product, perhaps because there aren’t many. Arthur Agatston (author of The South Beach Diet) has a quote on here about how he is proud to be working with Kraft on South Beach products. I can’t say that I share your enthusiasm, Art. I advise that you stick with being a doctor, and leave the creation of frozen food items to the experts.

Serving: 1 pizza, 6 oz.
Calories: 320
Fat: 13%, 9g
Sodium: 23%, 540mg
Protein: 14g
WW Points: 6 Winning Points

Lean Cuisine says: Deep dish crispy crust pizza layered with a zesty tomato sauce, garlic and basil, topped with chunky tomatoes and a blend of mozzarella,Romano, Parmesan and Asiago cheeses.

Abi says: One day I’ll learn that pizza shouldn’t come out of a microwave. Today’s lesson came in the form of an edible and unsatisfying Lean Cuisine Margherita Pizza. While I didn’t encounter the sort of assembly trauma that haunted Jess when she made a panini, I still had to deal with cooking my item on a box turned inside out.

Lies: The pizza on the box has 4 times as much cheese as the pizza you’ll actually get.
Truths: Those tomatoes are amazing. I don’t even like tomatoes, but upon pulling the pizza out of its plastic wrapping, I lifted it to my nose to take in the sweet scent of fresh tomato.

Quickly realizing that the pizza was frozen and didn’t smell like anything, I felt embarrassed. I also decided that I would read the ingredient label while the pizza was cooking. Why? So I could check for unnatural tomato coloring. Then I spent time trying to figure out where the heck I put the box. Turns out the box is also the pizza-baking device and I had used it to cook the pizza. Sigh.

Did this pizza contain something along the lines of carmine or cochineal? Alas drama-lovers, the Lean Cuisine Margherita Pizza is mostly made of things that are good for you (plus a bunch of salt).

Price: $2.50/box ($1.50 on sale)
Serving: 1/2 pizza, 5.4 oz.
Calories: 390
Fat: 25%, 16g
Sodium: 37%, 880mg
Protein: 17g

DiGiorno says: We only use our own natural and pure artesian well water, and never add any preservatives, artificial ingredients, or MSG. Oh, just kidding! This is a pizza made with cheese, pepperoni, sausage, onions and green bell peppers.

Abi says: Today a coworker heated up calimari and broccoli (together!) in the microwave. I no longer have any remorse over making my coworkers suffer through the Stouffer’s Fish Fillet and the Simply Asia Soy Noodles.

DiGiorno’s Rising Crust Pizza is not for those of you at risk of a heart attack. Eating a whole mini-pizza means consuming 770 calories and half of your daily fat. I had to do some serious blotting before eating this pizza. Is there any way they can make the cheese or meat or whatever it is less fatty? Really, there are millions of women out there taking precious time to blot pizza with a napkin.

While I enjoyed the technical flair of the microwavable rising crust, I found that crisping circles and cheese are not friends. You can see instances of this long battle between cheese and crisping circle in the pictures above. Is there a remedy? Yes, do not eat this pizza. DiGiorno Rising Crust Microwavable Supreme Pizza is mediocre, expensive and the crust is inedible (meaning hard as rocks). This is what I get for buying food at 7-11 on my way home from Mai Thai. Also, it was one a.m. and the 7-11 was swarming with cops. They were just hanging out eating taquitos and reading magazines.

Price: 1 box for $2.50 (sale)
Serving: 1 pocket, 4.5 oz.
Calories: 380
Fat: 30%, 21g
Sodium: 33%, 800mg
Carbohydrates: 44g
Protein: 12g

Hot Pockets says: Provolone, mozzarella, cheddar and Romano cheeses with a zesty pizza sauce wrapped in a crispy crust

Abi says: There are two boxes of Hot Pockets in the fridge at work. They both belong to me. I should know better than to buy them, but they go on sale at Safeway or Giant and I’m trolling the frozen food aisle looking for something cheap when I’m hit by the per pocket price of $1.25.

So I buy a box of two Hot Pockets. This time is was Four Cheese Pizza, with the lure of a ‘Crispy Cheesy Crust!’. Alas, this crusty is neither crispy nor cheesy. The crisping sleeve did not perform. Also, the pocket is decidedly flat, as it would be very, very unhealthy to actually provide as much cheese as is shown on the box.

I give the Four Cheese Pizza Hot Pockets a thumbs down. Though, as a phenomenologist, I am intrigued by other pocket meals and in the future I will probably write about disappointing experiences with Lean Pockets, Hot Pockets Fruit Pastries, Hot Pockets Pot Pie Express, Hot Pockets Subs, Croissant Pockets and Belgian Chef. Belgian Chef is the french toast variety. Yeah, Belgian Chef makes French Toast. I don’t get it either.

Finally, I would like to note that there is a brand called Hot Pockets Pizza Mini’s. With an apostrophe. I have included an image of the logo. Yes, possessive Mini’s. Oh, America. Oh, punctuation.