Price: $1.99
Serving: 1 container, 7.4oz.
Calories: 340 per serving
Fat: 4%, 2.5g
Cholesterol: 0%, 0mg
Sodium: 0%, 0mg
Protein: 7g
Carbs: 24%, 22g
Fiber: 12%, 3g
Weight Watchers Points: 6 Points

Trader Joe says: He doesn’t say this exactly, but I will paraphrase for you. Well, paraphrase if it meant “Taking longer to explain something that it would just take you to read it off the pakage, but the print is small so you just have to trust me on this one.” You can cook Trader Joe’s pre-cooked organic brown rice on the stove or in the microwave. The stove version involves submerging the entire package in boiling water for 10 minutes. If you have to resort to something like that, maybe you should just consider investing in a microwave or becoming friends with a microwave-owning neighbor.

Abi says: Whenever I eat brown rice I think of colon cancer. I don’t even know if there’s a link between colon cancer and fiber, but that’s what I think about. I also think about how I’m being a taste martyr for my colon. Because brown rice isn’t particularly tasty. Not that I eat it solo, but still, when you say brown rice is the first thought in your head:

1. Yum
2. Ugh
3. While not the tastiest thing on the planet, it is probably better for digestion than that fragrant jasmine rice I wish I was eating instead.

Hmmmm? I find this style of eating particularly depressing, the whole “I will eat this because it is good for me even though it tastes bad.” mantra is abominable. I only ate this because I purchased it. And I only purchased it because I have a sick fascination with shelf-stable items (see super-scary Taco Bell Bowlz Review by Andrew) and I like to eat rice with my from the pouch Indian food. Basically, it was a back-up for a time when I would be without Trader Joe’s Garlic Naan.

A suitable back-up it was not. This was the least delicious brown rice I’ve had in my life. This is saying something because I’ve been consuming a lot of brown rice lately. This is also my third little tray of pre-cooked rice (the others were white and brown) and I’ve found that they are all unbelievably sticky and soggy. Frozen rice just completely kicks shelf-stable rice’s butt. Not that you should be buying frozen rice if you own a rice cooker or you rock at making rice, but coming from a household where a certain loved one cannot let a pot of rice cook without lifting the lid and stirring it ALL THE FREAKING TIME, microwaveable frozen rice is a godsend. Also, it is ready in 3 minutes, which is just 90 more seconds than it takes to heat the gummy shelf-stable rice. Alas, I have not yet reviewed the incredible frozen rice, so for now all I will do is offer you a picture and say “Go, buy this frozen rice in the purple box. Keep it in your freezer. Do not be alarmed when you decide that paying 10 times too much for rice is perfectly acceptable because it is so amazingly speedy and delicious.”

Price: $3.99
Serving: 1 croissant, 3oz.
Servings per Package: 4
Calories: 320 per croissant
Fat: 28%, 18g
Cholesterol: 14%, 40mg
Sodium: 11%, 270mg
Protein: 5g
Carbohydrates: 11%, 34g
Fiber: 6%, 1g
Weight Watchers Points: 8 Points

Trader Joe says: A good, flaky, buttery croissant is enough to make the staunchest dieter consider making an exception. Now, consider said croissant with a rich, dark chocolate center. Though the size of the box may lead you to believe that these are but a small luxury, we must warn you. Once proofed (allowed to rise) and baked, these croissants become a generously portioned indulgence.

Abi says: If you are going to be anywhere near a Trader Joe’s at any point this week and you are a lover of chocolate croissants, you absolutely, positively must purchase this item.

Over the years I’ve created a variety of rather poor chocolate croissant substitutes. There were Pillsbury Croissants wrapped around chocolate chips (weirdly buttery, but super easy), the Pepperidge Farm puff pastry with Ghirardelli chocolate (plenty of layers, annoying need for rolling pin, not buttery enough), and the old standby of just wrapping some chocolate in a tortilla, grilling it, and pretending that it is some sort of Mexican delicacy.

Nothing compares to this chocolate croissant, not the fresh ones from Breadline (usually overcooked) or the soggy ones from Heller’s in Mt. Pleasant (plenty of chocolate, but gummy dough) or even the nice but not-so-cheap gems from the Palo Alto Baking Company.

At just a buck a piece, you can enjoy fantastic chocolate croissants made baked in your home. Getting similarly delicious croissants from Williams-Sonoma will cost you $2.66 per croissant and you have to buy a box of 15 and pay for shipping, putting your actual per croissant cost at $3.23. But instead of paying 200% too much, you can fill your home with the delicious scent of fresh-baked pastry from Trader Joe’s, provided you have patience, an oven, and no pest problems.

You see, you’ll need to let these sit out overnight so that they can rise. So if you have ants, mice, or cockroaches, then these are not the frozen treats for you. You’ll need to let these croissants sit out overnight for a good 9 hours. They’re perfect for you late risers because all you have to do is take the risen croissants (already on a baking sheet), pop them in the oven, and 22 minutes later (your time may vary) you’ll have a couple of amazingly delicious breakfast pastries.

Price: $4.99
Serving: 1/4 cup, 2.25oz.
Eight servings per container
Calories: 70 per serving
Fat: 2%, 1g
Cholesterol: 8%, 25mg
Sodium: 13%, 310mg
Protein: 7g
Carbs: 2%, 7g
Fiber: 0%, 0g
Weight Watchers Points: 1 Point per serving

Trader Joe says: All White meat chicken with barbeque sauce

Abi says: I love barbecue. I liked barbecue before I moved to Texas, but once I got to the Lone Star State, my affair with barbecue went into fullblown love mode. I also stopped being a vegetarian. Who can possibly resist meat that’s been cooked for a really, really long time inside an enormous cooking device? Certainly not me. I have two great barbecue loves: brisket (like the kind my grandma made) and Carolina-style pulled pork or chicken, but pork loin is amazingness. It is as though pigs were invented to be turned into pork sandwiches, but I digress.

This love of barbecue was not well sated in Washington, DC. Sure, there were the summer cookouts and the pulled pork sandwiches from Tonic, but for the most part I lived a barbecueless existence, drifting from one supposed barbecue restaurant to another like a lost sould seeking ever-elusive redemption. When I saw pre-made barbecue at Trader Joe’s, I thought that all of my barbecue-needing prayers had been answered. I trusted Trader Joe and I knew that his pre-cooked chicken had been the answers to many a quesadilla’s loneliness. Finally, I would be saved.

Until I learned the difference between pulled meat and shredded meat. Shredded meat is basically meat for people who’ve lost their dentures. It is meat mush, protein without texture, baby food with the slightest hint of tomato sauce.

Meat Purgatory.

The meat you see before you isn’t even the actual shredded meat that I had when I started this sorrowful journey. The original meat was a pale, quivering mass of shredded pink chicken flesh, held together by a taste-free barbecue sauce lacking any of the necessary complexity or depth of real barbecue sauce.

So, while I was heating this sorry excuse for barbecue on the stove, I tossed in a half cup of real barbecue sauce (the embarassingly titled Bone Suckin’ Sauce), simmered the now-mahogany meal for a couple more minutes and called it done.

When purchasing food and buns and imagining side dishes, my original intent was that George and I would each eat two of these larger-than-sliders, smaller-than-burgers barbecue sandwiches, but after finishing the first one and finding that the meat was more appropriate for people who’ve recently had surgery on a fractured jaw than regular well-toothed adults, I was compelled to snack on fresh sugar snap peas and hummus for the rest of the evening.

Price: $2.99
Serving: ¾ cup, 4 oz.
Calories: 230
Fat: 17%, 11g
Cholesterol: 10%, 30mg
Sodium: 18%, 440mg
Protein: 7g
Carbs: 9%, 25g
Fiber: 4%, 1g
WW Points: 5 Points per Serving
20 Weight Watchers Points per Bag

Trader Joe says: There was no bag blurb and no product description on TJ’s site.

Adina says:

Pro: This meal was like eating little tender bites of heaven covered in gorgonzola cheese. It is heaven in a bag. If I worked for Trader Joe’s, that is how I would describe this product. “Try heaven in a bag. You may need a coronary angioplasty after you’re through with it, but it’s worth it!”

I cooked this in a skillet for 7 minutes. I know that is pseudo-cheating since it has microwave oven heating instructions, but I didn’t want to risk sacrificing delicious gnocchi dinner for HER purity. Sorry, Abi. To be honest though, I think it is worth it. Considering it adds only one extra piece of cookware to the post-dinner clean up and all it involves is emptying the bag into a skillet and then watching the frozen chunks of gorgonzola melt evenly over the ever expanding gnocchi, I say take the plunge. Pseudo-cook a real meal tonight. Your taste buds will love you.

Anyway, as far as taste goes, this was a 5 star meal. The gnocchi were tender but not chewy and definitely not mushy. The cheese was flavorful and the sauce was rich and creamy. I will never order gnocchi out again because now I know I can get the same delicious meal for 9 dollars cheaper.

The best part was that I never felt like someone was trying to feed me gravy covered cardboard. A novelty, I know!

Con: One bag is 4 servings. Getting me to stop after a quarter of the bag would require a locked muzzle and handcuffs. And a tranquilizer. Because I just plowed through the entire 4 servings and now I cannot so much as look at any more saturated fat until after dinner tomorrow. Seriously, eat the whole bag and you will have accounted for 140% of your daily saturated fat intake, assuming you are (trying to stay) on a less than 2,000 calorie diet. Don’t get me wrong, it’s worth it. HEAVEN IN A BAG. I’m just saying, be ready to sacrifice the next 2 days of office birthday cake for it.

Therefore, this meal weighed in at a 4, since eating this meal means that I probably will have to at least pass the gym on my way home from work tomorrow. Because walking past the gym is half the battle.