Price:$2.69
Serving:1 burrito, 7oz.
Calories:360 per serving
Fat:13%, 9g
Cholesterol:17%, 50mg
Sodium:40%, 960mg
Protein:21g
Carbohydrates:16%, 49g
Fiber:11%, 3g
Sugar:2g
Weight Watchers Points: 7 Points

Trader Joe says: Nothing. I guess they had nothing clever to say about this product.

Angela says: I like to think of myself as a connoisseur of burritos. Frozen, fast food, homemade, breakfast, I’ve tried (and loved) them all. And around here, they’re not hard to come by. So when I was shopping in Trader Joe’s for something to eat for lunch at work, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to try a burrito I’ve never tried before.

Enter this little guy, the Chicken Chile Verde Burrito. First things first, it comes in pack of two. The pack is not resealable, so I suggest just bringing one to work and leaving the other at home, unless you trust the freezer at your office, which I don’t. The instructions tell you to first defrost the burrito on 50% power for two minutes, and then cook on full power for one minute, which is what I did.

Now, generally I associate Trader Joe’s with (mostly) healthy food. Upon reading the ingredients, I realized that this burrito may not be much different than the ones you find in your regular grocer’s freezer section. The amount of salt is really what got me. 40% of your daily value? Wow! I’m not one to be discouraged by nutritional information, so let’s get to the eating part.

Upon first look, the burrito is definitely a little wimpy looking. Not that most frozen burritos aren’t, but maybe I just had my hopes up too high. Also, it’s a little soggy and difficult to pick up. So those who care about dripping sauce on their clothes might want to grab a fork and knife for this one. Inside, there is a lot of Chile Verde, and every few bites there is some chicken. I suggest that TJ’s changes the name around to better suit this ratio. The Chile Verde is kind of slimy, and maybe a little too salty. I guess that’s where the 40% daily value of sodium comes in. Last but not least, the end of the burrito is all tortilla, as it is with most frozen burritos. It gets kind of hard when you microwave it, so I recommend not eating that part.

So all-in-all, this burrito is edible, but not really delicious. I will probably eat the second one if I’m in a pinch, but I’m not sure I would buy this particular variety ever again.

Price: $2.59
Serving: 1 corn dog, 2.5oz.
Calories: 160
Fat: 5%, 3.5g
Cholesterol: 0%, 0mg
Sodium: 23%, 560mg
Protein: 9g
Carbs: 7%, 22g
Fiber: 4%, 1g
Sugar: 4g
Weight Watchers Points: 3 Points

Trader Joe says: Low Fat, 4 grams of Soy Protein per Serving

Abi says: Yes, I’m still on the eternal quest for the perfect corn dog. I want something that reminds me of a carnival, complete with funnel cakes, rickety ferris wheels and goldfish that meet unfortunate deaths via ping-pong ball games.

Trader Joe’s meatless version comes nowhere near the actuality of a corn dog. I find this confusing because the meat in corn dogs is so far away from actual animal muscle that I’m surprised it can’t be replicated with vegetable products. I suspect that my Morningstar Sausage-related hypothesis of the need for connective tissue comes into play here as well.

The first problem with these corn dogs is the lack of snap. I know, that sounds disgusting. It is disgusting. And there’s no way to describe ’snap’ better than the resistance a hot dog has to being eaten. Yes, I judge food based on how much it doesn’t want to be consumed. The second problem with these corn dogs is the batter. Even after being baked in a real oven the interior of the cornbread breading was wet rather than fluffy. Considering that I base a large portion of my food judgments on texture it wasn’t surprising that I only took a couple of bites of the corn dog.

The box of three leftover corn dogs then sat in my freezer for a month before I decided to toss them in favor or newer, more exciting frozen items.

I don’t buy fake meats for my own amusement. I buy them because I think there’s a chance they’ll make plausible substitutes for real, less-healthy meats. I buy them hoping that I can lower the amount of fossil fuels used to create my meals (and yet I run this website). And I buy them with the hope that someday cloned, cultured meat will exist and I won’t have to make these choices anymore.

Further information on meat:

1. Hot Dog Reviews at Slate.com
2. Cloned/Cultured meat
3. Reviews of healthy food at the new Nationals stadium

Price: $4.59 (spendy!)
Serving: 2 sliders, 3.5oz.
Servings per Package: 2
Calories: 260
Fat: 15%, 10g
Cholesterol: 17%, 70mg
Sodium: 19%, 450mg
Protein: 16g
Carbohydrates: 8%, 25g
Fiber: 4%, 1g
Sugar: 2g
Weight Watchers Points: 6 Points

Trader Joe says: Beefy goodness

Abi says: When I pulled these out of my Trader Joe’s shopping bag, my fiance, a man who has been known to eat burnt cookies, $1.00 pizzas and mushrooms, looked at them with both disdain and disgust.

“Hey,” I said “these will either be awesome or they will be horrible. So I have to try them.”

He verbally agreed, shrugged and left me to the rest of my unpacking because our freezer is now like a game of Tetris and I’m the only one who really knows how to play (which is actually not true, my mom rocks at Tetris. It is scary how good she is.).

These hamburgers were neither super nor bad nor superbad. They were exactly what I’d expect from a microwaved slider. Each was smaller in diameter yet thicker than a KFC Chicken Little. The bun was incredibly soft and peppered with sesame seeds, which made me realize that I dislike sesame seeds on buns. They get everywhere: teeth, carpet, in your bra - I am not kidding about the bra thing.

The next layer in the slider is the cheese. If there’s something that Trader Joe’s is going to get right, it is cheese. Each mini burger was topped with a square of yellow cheddar and each square of cheddar melted perfectly. It didn’t taste like much, but it looked really nice.

And the meat part? Have you ever defrosted frozen hamburger in the microwave but forgotten to flip it and essentially cooked a pound of hamburger via magnetron? That’s how this beef tasted. It was cooked, but lacked the slight char necessary to a good burger What, you think char is not necessary? Then you have not seen people weep when the Whopper was discontinued. Each little burger patty was a hockey puck of chewiness, so springy that I briefly contemplated trying to bounce a piece of it on the kitchen floor.

Two sliders is a snack and four sliders are too many to eat in a state of sobriety. As cute as they were, I won’t be buying these again. At nearly $5.00 for four sliders, I’m better off waiting until I go to DC where I can get freshly grilled mini-burgers sandwiched between layers of buttered and grilled brioche.

Price: $2.79
Serving: 1 cake, 3.8oz.
Calories: 360
Fat: 35%, 23g
Cholesterol: 37%, 110mg
Sodium: 10%, 240mg
Protein: 5g
Carbohydrates: 13%, 40g
Fiber: 12%, 3g
Sugar: 25g
Weight Watchers Points: 9 Points

Trader Joe says: A delicate chocolate cake with a creamy chocolate center.

Abi says: Holy defender of the motherland, Batman! There are 360 calories in each Lava Cake! I was freaked out about this until I realized that there are approximately 100 calories in a 1 ounce Nestle Toll House cookie and thus I should actually expect there to be 380 calories in this cake. So, you can think of this as a light dessert.

The box contains two cakes (perfect for couples or people who like torturing their children) and each cake is approximately 4.5 inches in diameter. Just pop the cake out of its tray an onto a plate, microwave for a minute (or less, if your microwave is super-strong) and pair with a scoop of vanilla ice cream. The outer cake layer is appropriately dense and lusciously chocolatey while the inner molten section is a cross between fudge sauce and chocolate pudding. Amazingly fudgy chocolate pudding that will make your toes curl with pleasure.

I love these cakes because they are simple, inexpensive and delicious. Sure, the dishes are a complete pain (sticky fudge sauce does have a downside), but you might be tempted to lick your plate clean, solving that problem once and for all.