Price: $2.49
Serving: 1 package, 5.1oz. + water
Calories: 380 per serving
Fat: 8%, 5g
Cholesterol: 0%, 0mg
Sodium: 22%, 530mg
Protein: 12g
Carbohydrates: 24%, 72g
Fiber: 24%, 6g
Sugar: 9g
Weight Watchers Points: 7 POINTS

Trader Joe’s says: Fusilli, also known as corkscrew pasta, is topped with a tomato basil sauce made from Italian grown tomatoes and basil. We paired this very traditional Italian made sauce with authentic durum wheat semolina pasta to make a classic Italian dish worthy of a fine dining experience. This convenient meal solution is perfect for the discerning food lover on the go. Italian Express meals are shelf stable and can be stored in your pantry or at your desk for a quick, delicious meal any time.

Maggie says: Now THAT’S a lot of copy. And had I read it beforehand, and noticed how many times they used the words “Italian”, “tomatoes”, and “basil”, I might have had lower expectations for this dish.

As it was, I annoyed from the start when I realized that I actually had to do some preparation to eat this microwave meal. Filling a bowl with water, adding a sauce concentrate, stirring carefully to thin out the sauce, then mixing in the pasta, was more steps than I expected for “quick”, and I had to go back to my desk to get a fork. After microwaving—for three and a half minutes, which is ALSO not quick—the cooking instructions say to let sit for a minute, and I recommend this step very highly, both to allow the dish to cool and to allow the sauce to thicken up. I perked up when the final product looked so awesome—see picture—and the pasta shape gave me the warm fuzzies as I fondly remembered many, many bowls of Kraft Spirals Macaroni and Cheese.

No such luck here. I was basically eating a bowl of Chef Boyardee. This “discerning” food lover couldn’t discern any whiff of basil—perhaps that’s why they mentioned it so much in the copy, to try to fool you into thinking it was there—nor the special Italian quality that I was supposed to notice from eating “Italian Grown” tomatoes. I was about to add salt to make the dish more exciting, and was actually reaching for the salt as I was filling out the sodium content portion of the review form. Which is why I noticed that this dish already has ONE QUARTER of your salt intake for the day. I don’t know how the dish managed to be so bland, but it was.

And then I added salt anyway. This dish may also have strongly benefited from some Parmesan Cheese. But like always, so would most things, so that’s hardly a point in the dish’s favor.

Overall, this dish is only mildly objectionable and it does have quite a lot of fiber. But I’m assuming that so does Chef Boyardee. There are so many actually tasty microwaveable meals out there I’d give this one a pass.

[/caption]Price: $3.99
Serving: 1 croissant, 1.5oz
Calories: 150 per serving
 Calories from Fat: 80
Fat: 14%, 9g
 Saturated Fat: 27%, 5g
 Trans Fat: 0g
Cholesterol: 8%, 25mg
Sodium: 6%, 150mg
Protein: 3g
Carbohydrates: 5%, 16g
Fiber: 0%, 0g
Sugar: 2g
Weight Watchers: 4 POINTS EACH

Trader Joe’s says: Croissants are meant to be served and savored fresh from the oven. Chef Jean-Yves Charon shapes these croissants to a smaller size that’s ideal for feeding a crowd. He makes the puff pastry in the traditional style, using butter and ultrathin layers of yeast dough, laboriously folded and refolded, cut and shaped by hand. You’ll appreciate how easy it is to bake them: Let the frozen croissants rise for about nine hours or overnight, then bake and voilà: warm flaky croissants. Set of 24. A Williams-Sonoma exclusive.

Abi says: Yes, that text above is from Williams-Sonoma. Why? Because Trader Joe’s didn’t put a pun-filled story on the box of Mini Croissants. Instead, they are suspiciously quiet about the origin of these flaky crescents of buttery love. But I have a feeling these pastries have the same maker as the Trader Joe’s Chocolate Croissants: world famous pastry chef Jean-Yves Charon. He also makes the Trader Joe’s Lemon Tartes. I did not like those.

But I liked these croissants a lot. Also, I’m easy. After 10 minutes spent trying to think of croissants I don’t like, my only conclusion is that letting croissants go stale makes them inedible in non-bread-pudding situations. Now, considering Williams-Sonoma wants me to share other consumer’s reviews over my own Facebook or Twitter profile I figured I’d cobble together a few statements to show why these croissants are so awesome (and why you shouldn’t pay $40 for the ones from William-Sonoma – unless you live 500 miles from a Trader Joe’s, then you should consider it – these croissants are quite nice with a bit of homemade blueberry jam).

Culled from 44 pages of positive reviews, here are some comments from William-Sonoma purchasers and my own additional remarks.

These are by far the best Croissants I have ever tasted and at 235 lbs I have tasted a lot.

I can’t decide if this is my favorite quote or if it makes me think twice about making croissants for the weekend.

These frozen mini croissants are exceptionally good – far better than those I make from scratch – (which I thought were pretty good!).

She’s right, they are better than the ones from scratch. It goes to show you that professional pastry chefs know their stuff.

I originally heard about these croissants on the Oprah show. I decided to try them, although they were more than I wanted to pay for them. After I served them for the brunch on Christmas Day, one of my two sons said, “Mom, you have to have these every Christmas now – they are fabulous!”

Oprah: making you buy stuff that is wonderful, but way, way too expensive.

They are like having a french baker living in your freezer.

But easier to explain to your husband. And the police.

Calling them ‘mini’ is a bit of a misnomer. They look tiny out of the box, but once you’ve baked them each croissant is about the size of a champagne mango, albeit nearly hollow inside. They make for a great sandwich, but I prefer pulling apart a croissant and spreading each bit with some jam. No butter is necessary.

The major drawback of these croissants? You have to think ‘I’m going to want croissants in the morning’ and then put out the croissants and have an apartment that is warm enough for bread to rise. Unrisen croissants are one of the saddest sights on a sleeting Saturday morning.

P.S. Trader Joe’s charges you 50¢ per croissant. William-Sonoma charges $1.67 per mini croissant. Are you willing to pay 3 times what you should (plus overnight shipping!) for mini croissants? I sure hope not.

Price: $3.49
Serving:1 pastry bite, 0.71oz.
Calories: 70 per serving
Calories from Fat: 50
Fat: 8%, 5g
  Saturated Fat: 16%, 3.5g
  Trans Fat: 0g
Cholesterol: 6%, 20mg
Sodium: 4%, 100mg
Protein: 1g
Carbohydrates: 1%, 4g
Fiber: 0%, 0g
Sugar: <1g
Weight Watchers Points: 2 POINTS EACH

Trader Joe says: Pastry bites with Feta cheese & caramelized onions, no preservatives, no artificial colors or flavors, keep frozen.

Abi says: After several trips to Trader Joe’s and several rounds of sighing over these little treats, I finally purchased one batch…and then another batch…and then another batch of these puff pastry snacks. It turns out that if I like something enough, I’ll actually make (er, heat) appetizers for my own meals.

These two bite delights require nearly half an hour in the oven, so you’ll have to plan ahead if you want to treat this like a true appetizer and not another portion of your dinner. I’ve found that approximately three puffs per person is a nice way to tide you over until the actual meal. Considering there are 12 puffs in a package, you can just slice the package in half (see cut up packaging in picture), put it on a cookie sheet (no mess! no clean up!) and heat up appetizers for two. It is probably the most domestic thing I do in an entire week.

You should note that these will be super hot when they come out of the oven. I know, you’re an adult and you cooked them at 400 degrees for almost half an hour, but even after they seem cool, the cheese inside will be piping hot. And you might forget they are hot and burn yourself.

If you succeed in not burning yourself, you’ll get to enjoy a light, crispy, slightly greasy pastry surrounding a pocket of feta and cream cheese, topped the briefest dollop of sweetly caramelized onion. What a pleasant way to start any meal.

Ingredients: Puff pastry (enriched wheat flour [wheat flour, malted barley flour, ascorbic acid (vitamin C as dough conditioner), niacin, folic acid, reduced iron, thiamine mononitrate, riboflavin], water, butter [milk], salt), cream cheese (pasteurized cultured cream and milk, natural acids, salt, xanthan, carob bean and guar gums), onion, feta cheese (pasteurized milk, salt, cheese culture, enzymes), egg, sugar, unsalted butter [milk].

Price: $5.00
Serving: 1/4 tarte, 2oz
Calories: 150 per serving
 Calories from Fat: 70
Fat: 12%, 8g
 Saturated Fat: 22%, 4.5g
 Trans Fat: 0g
Cholesterol: 8%, 25mg
Sodium: 28%, 670mg
Protein: 8g
Carbohydrates: 4%, 11g
Fiber: 4%, 1g
Sugar: 1g
Weight Watchers: 4 POINTS

Trader Joe’s says: Based on a 100-year-old recipe from the Alsace-Lorraine region of France, this savory tart defied categorization. Not a pizza, much more than a flatbread an definitely not a dessert, this tart is savory, decadent and completely delectable! It starts with a thin, crisp, hand-folded crust that’s perfectly fired for exactly the right balance of flavor and texture. The crust is topped with creme fraice, caramelized onions, thinly sliced ham and Gruyere cheese. Bake it in a 475 degree oven for 7-10 minutes and you’ll have an appetizer to astonish your guests.* Or pair is with a salad and you’ve got dinner for two in ten minutes or less. Delicieux!

Abi says: I am up for just about any excuse to open a bottle of sparkling wine, including baking French-inspired frozen meals. I didn’t feel like getting trashed last Thursday night (and I volunteer at an elementary school on Friday mornings – NOT something you want to do hung over), so I opened a bottle of relatively inexpensive sparkling wine from Trader Joe’s (something I woudn’t feel bad not finishing), popped a Trader Joe’s Tarte d’Alsace in a super-heated (400 degrees) oven, and ate some salad.

Yeah, I know how to party.

However, my smoke detector does not know party. If I heat the oven above 350 degrees (aka hotter than chocolate chip cookie temperature), the smoke detector goes off. Is my apartment smoky? No. Have I potentiallty freaked out my neighbors? Not really: sensitive smoke detectors are a problem in the entire apartment complex. You’d think none of use knew how to cook at the rate our alarms screech.

Thank goodness this tart(e) is worth all that horrible noise. The crust crisps up into delightful flakiness that belies a surprsingly low calorie count (600 calories in the ENTIRE tart – dang), making me wonder just why I ever buy those heavy, sodden DiGiorno frozen pizzas. Usually the toppings are my priority in a pizza-like item, but here the well-cooked ham ham played second fiddle to the crust. I’m a sucker for good crust. But back to the ham: it is abundant! It completely destroys your meat expectations! Also, the ham is well-cooked (aka not soggy) and surrounded by salty, savory gruyere all floating atop the thin layer of creme fraiche (sort of like sour cream, but more awesome than you can imagine cooked sour cream on pizza being because in my head warm sour cream on a pizza is more ‘problem’ than ‘awesome’) that keeps this all from being a big salt-fest.

Alas, there are downsides. Trader Joe’s seems to think that ‘caramelized onions’ means onions with added caramel color. That is a total jerk move. Hey, want some ice cream? Oh, sorry – it is ice with cream on it! Who does that to someone? Second, I am pretty good at pronouncing words, but erythobate throws me. I wouldn’t bring this up (hey, I ate this crazy-ingredient-containing California Pizza Kitchen pepperoni pizza), but Trader Joe’s specifically displays signs that say you’ll be able to pronounce all of the ingredients in their foods. They also don’t specify at what age you’ll be able to pronounce the foods. They might want to consider new signs.

The use of meat preservatives aside (most of the meat preservatives you see in frozen food are there to make sure the meat doesn’t turn gray – not a judgment on safety there, just indicating use), I love this tarte. It is everything I could ever want in a pizza-ish product, plus it goes perfectly wish a salad and sparkling wine to create the sort of dinner that you don’t want to share. Which I didn’t and my husband came home and was all ‘Mmm, it smells good in here…is there any food left?’ and I was all “I’ve been working on this bottle of sparkling wine for two hours…do you think there is any food left?”

*Trader Joe’s says “you’ll have an appetizer to astonish your guests” but if you live in Stanford grad student housing you’ll have an appetizer that’ll freak out your guests because it will set off your smoke detector.

Ingredients: CRUST: Wheat flour, water, sunflower oil, salt. TOPPINGS: Creme fraiche (cultured pasteurized cream, citric acid, sodium ascorbate), cooked ham (cured with water added, salt, sugar, sodium phosphates, smoke flavoring, sodium erythrobate, sodium nitrite), caramelized yellow onions (yellow onions, canola oil, caramel color) gruyere cheese (pasteurized milk, cheese cultures, enzymes, salt).