Price: $2.00 on sale
Serving: 1 package, 6 5/8oz.
Calories: 520
Fat: 35%, 23g
Cholesterol: 15%, 45mg
Sodium: 46%, 1110mg
Protein: 21g
Carbohydrates: 19%, 58g
Fiber: 12%, 3g
Sugar: 5g
Weight Watchers Points: 12 Points

Stouffer’s says: Italian sausage, genoa salami and bacon in a spicy arrabbiata sauce, topped with a blend of mozzarella, parmesan, asiago and romano cheeses.

Abi says: You might notice that there are some distinct differences between my Stouffer’s Flatbread and the one shown in the photo on the box. For instance, mine seems to be missing a significant amount of cheese. Also, the meat appears minimally and in a highly chunky, unintegrated form. It is as though the Genoa salami first destroyed the baco culture, then decided that segregation was a reasonable way of life in frozen pizza land. You can see that they’ve colonized the southern end of the flatbread, making way for a salami-centric way of life.

Or perhaps they are following in Columbus’s footsteps and exploring the next frontier for pizza-topping-kind. He was from Genoa.

I didn’t realize until consuming this flatbread that I do not enjoy chunks of salami. Each piece intruded on the pizza-eating experience like the nubs of fatty, well-cooked pencil erasers, a textural sensation I can do without.

The saving grace of this meal is the well-herbed flatbread. It bursts with flavor and makes me with that it came unadorned with perhaps little packets of balsamic vineager and olive oil for dipping. Though, I can just imagine the trouble involved in defrosting condiments. Okay, maybe Stouffer’s should just sell the flatbread on its own as a pizza crust or dinner starting point.

With more care given to the toppings (and maybe more toppings, because where they heck are those 12 Weight Watchers Points coming from, anyways?) this pizza could be a decent appetizer. With improvements I would bake it in the microwave (adequate) or oven (better) and cut each one into small rectangles, perfect for serving to friends during the Stanley Cup Finals. With improvements.

Price: $1.50
Serving: 1 package, 8 7/8oz.
Calories: 360
Fat: 27%, 18g
Cholesterol: 14%, 45mg
Sodium: 36%, 880mg
Protein: 20g
Carbohydrates: 10%, 30g
Fiber: 7%, 2g
Sugar: 2g
Weight Watchers Points: 8 Points

Stouffer’s says: Tender boneless chicken breast with rib meat in a seasoned crispy coating with mashed potatoes and gravy

Kelly says: I am adapting to the South. When I lived in the Great White North I used to be embarrassed about how much time I spent on my hair. The only reason my excessive blow-drying was acceptable was that if my hair wasn’t completely dry when I left the house it would freeze onto my head in curly icicles. But now I live in the suburbs of the ATL, a place where my own personal vanities are nothing compared to those of the women who were born in the South. They have other people to blow dry their hair for them.

Other things I like about the South: Fried Chicken. I never knew anyone with a deep-fryer, let alone people who had their own family fried chicken recipes. I feel compelled to make my coworkers get into arguments about whose fried chicken is better just so that they’ll have a fry-off and I’ll get to reap the greasy rewards.

By now, my boyfriend knows not to get between a born-again Southern girl and her fried chicken. He also knows that fried chicken is awful for both of us so even though he is a great cook, he never makes it. Ladies: don’t get involved with a professional cook because while you’ll feast when you first start dating one day you will get to work and realize that you are looking forward to your frozen meal because you get to review it.

Stouffer’s Fried Chicken Breast Meal is not a worthy substitute for Fried Chicken. Buying this was just dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Because I live in the South. South, South, South. So I will not give you this review as a Southerner. I will put on my staid, commonsense Lutheran cap and let you know just what you’ll get from Stouffer’s.

Visual inspection of the meal reveals a bigger than my hand and slightly thicker than an iPod piece of chicken. The chicken is covered with an orange breading that I assume will be seasoned because orange = seasoned. See Curly Fries and Cheez Whiz for proof of orange/flavor correlation. The chicken rests next to a clementine-orange sized pile of mashed potatoes. They are white. They are gravied. The gravy looks like the water that gathers everywhere during the Spring thaw: thickly beige and speckled with dirt. Or spices in the gravy’s case. I am sure that Stouffer’s is not trying to make me eat dirt.

The meat is nice white stuff that I can cut with the side of my fork. It exhibits chew and flavor, but the breading is soggy. If I hadn’t been repeatedly exposed to the delicious virus known as Fried Chicken then I would probably think this is not too bad. As it happens, anyone who is familiar with the fried will be really disappointed in this breading.

The mashed potatoes are fluffy and come in too small of a portion for such a big piece of chicken. I like to chop up my chicken into bite size chunks and then mix it in with my gravied mashed potatoes and pretend that I’m back home eating a hot dish. I guess the people at Stouffer’s don’t take the potato as seriously as the people at the United Nations.

I love gravy and I am happy that both of my homelands are also places of gravy love. Is there a part of the United States that doesn’t like gravy? If so, I do not want to live there. This is a light gravy and I really appreciate that there’s enough of it for both my chicken and my mashed potatoes. But if I had my way and there were more mashed potatoes then I would need more gravy.

As an almost Southerner, I wouldn’t be able to stomach this meal. But if I was at home, visiting my parents in the dead of winter, I would pick up one or two of these at Coburn’s to tide me over until I re-entered the republic of the South.

P.S. I’m sorry about the long intro on the review, but nobody here seems to understand that the rest of the country just does not take blow-drying that seriously. They would be aghast if they ever visited Brooklyn. But man, I would pay money (premium cable money) to see a show about a bunch of Southern Ladies dropped in the middle of New York City. “Oh my goodness, Louise! That young man failed to open a door for me! What ever shall I do?”

P.P.S. I’m sorry about the weird picture. There was stuff from work in it (Kelly is not my real name) so I had to edit out a bunch of stuff with MS Paint.

Price: $2.00 on sale
Serving: 1 package, 12oz.
Calories: 450 per serving
Fat: 25%, 16g
Cholesterol: 12%, 40mg
Sodium: 31%, 750mg
Protein: 22g
Carbohydrates: 18%, 54g
Fiber: 22%, 5g
Sugar: 10g
Weight Watchers Points: 10 Points

Stouffer’s says: Breaded chicken breast with rib meat topped with marinara sauce & mozzarella cheese with spaghetti

Abi says: I have a brain tumor.

That’s the only way to explain why I keep purchasing Stouffer’s products. This chicken parmesan was visually appealing, consisting of a bed of spaghetti, a breaded chicken breast, marinara sauce and a layer of gooey cheese. With the AC in the office at full blast, I looked forward to this meal as a respite from an unusually cool afternoon.

Then Stouffer’s Chicken Parmigiana revealed its true colors: mushy chicken, spongy noodles, and wimpy sauce (mmm, tomatoes and pink water!). I’m not fazed by bland meals. I’ve endured flavorless sauces and suspect chicken (there is a Healthy Choice section on here, after all). This time was different: I encountered gristle. It wasn’t a one-time throwaway encounter. No, this was four separate bites displaying enough non-meat material that I had to reach for the nearest kleenex over and over again.

I understand that connective tissue is part of the meat-eating experience, but I also expect that by the time a Stouffer’s chicken pattie gets to me it has been killed, butchered, filleted, breaded, fried, and frozen. Tendons shouldn’t be an issue.

Why am I such a wimp about this? Because every bite with gristle not only induces my gag reflex, but conjures up memories of memories of Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors. Which nightmare to I imagine? Oh, just the one where a man’s veins are pulled from his body and used as marrionette strings.

Yeah, I bet you’re hungry now. I was going to find a video of the scene on YouTube and post it here. But then I realized that I’d actually have to watch all of the Freddy Krueger videos to find that right one and I completely wimped out.

Price: $2.50
Serving: 1/3 package, 7oz.
All nutritional information below is for the entire package
Calories: 780
Fat: 39%, 18g
Cholesterol: 27%, 90mg
Sodium: 87%, 2070mg
Protein: 51g
Carbs: 27%, 84g
Fiber: 39%, 9g
Weight Watchers Points: 16 Points

Stouffer’s says: Traditional lasagna noodles layered with an herb seasoned tomato and meat sauce and three kinds of natural cheese

Nicole says: I dislike having to type out the names of what I’m eating as it often creates unexpected hostility. I was happy enough to be eating Meat Lasagna, but now I know that they felt the need to specify that it has SAUCE. You know, since lasagna doesn’t traditionally have sauce. Next time, I’m going to look for the “Lasagna with layered meat, sauce, lasagna noodles, and cheese

la-sag-na. [luh-zahn-yuh, lah-] noun.
1. large, flat, rectangular strips of pasta.
2. a baked dish consisting of layers of this pasta, cheese, tomato sauce, and usually meat.

(Source: Random House, unabridged, via dictionary.com)

OOOH, I see - Stouffer’s meant the first definition. Gotcha. The second wouldn’t be helpful here at all, really.

So the actual versus contrived disappointment with this meal is cooking time. The microwave in my office zaps things right quick - I usually use a time towards the lower end of a range or knock 10-20 seconds from the cook time. But I didn’t here, as lasagna is dense and notorious for not cooking through. I cooked for seven minutes. Which meant it was too hot to eat for another seven minutes. At this point I am starving, so I start eating this mighty tasty lasagna (although I’m sure inedible for those of you who recently took a “sabbatical” to Italy) - thick, hearty with a mild tomato sauce, lots of reasonably well-spiced beef and more cheese than exists in an entire freezer’s worth of Lean Cuisine meals.

Halfway through, there it is - the cold center bite.

Not frozen, not lukewarm. Cold. We’re talking cheese and BEEF. The cheese is still in shredded form, although it’s slightly softened.The beef is cold. I realize this isn’t exactly raw beef, but it’s not Goood Eats (see that extra “o” there? I’m not stealing any trademarks). So it has to go BACK IN the microwave for 45 seconds. That does the trick - but again, too hot to dig right in.

Wait two minutes.

Ahhh. This really is quite yummy and better than average, though it’s not Boston Market lasagna. The sauce could use some spice - but you can tell it’s made from tomatoes! Ground beef is featured on a range of sizes from tiny to a good (thumbnail) sized chunk. The entire tray is slightly overcooked on the top edges - but I like the crunch that creates - and the thick pasta sheets cooked thoroughly without falling apart. Finally, there’s plenty of cheese, cheese, cheese - thank you Stouffer’s!

I’m extremely pleased with size of this meal - it is “large” and filling, but not to the point of feeling particularly uncomfortable or ill. However, they do call this “three servings” which is a funny joke.