Price: $3.00 on sale
Serving: 1 creation, 7.1oz.
Calories: 450
Fat: 26%, 17g
Cholesterol: 18%, 55mg
Sodium: 45%, 1090mg
Protein: 25g
Carbs: 17%, 50g
Fiber: 16%, 4g
Sugar: 13g
Weight Watchers Points: 10 Points

Oscar Mayer says: Oscar Mayer shaved mesquite smoked turkey breast, Kraft monterey jack cheese with jalapeno peppers, Kraft southwestern style ranch dressing, Kraft garden salsa on a country white sub roll.

Abi says: When I saw these on sale at my local Safeway I turned to the guy next to me, who happened to be a stranger, and said ‘Oh man, these things are awful.’ And then I bought two, because my mission is to confuse people at the grocery store.

So, what does cheap (but in reality, really freaking expensive for some bread and meat) get you? It starts with a super-soft roll. If you are at all familiar with Wonder Bread, you know what you’re getting here. Next, you get to top the bread yourself, getting meat juice and dressing and such all over your hands.

I have to admit that I was pleased with the amount of turkey included in this sandwich. It most closely resembled a packed of the Louis Buddig ultra-thin turkey. I love that stuff. For those of you not familiar with Louis Buddig or Land-o-Frost products, just imagine meat paper.

There was enough meat that I was able too eat a few of the slices while assembling the sandwich and still have enough to make a presentable hoagie. Next I topped it with the perfectly shaped sliced of jalapeno jack. Before topping the cheese and meat layers with the other half of the bun I did two things:

1. Decided that Kraft garden salsa resembles nothing more than tomato sauce and tossed it (sorry to those of you who wanted to know how it tastes).
2. Spread Southwestern style ranch on the bread and then realized that warm ranch dressing sounds like pretty much the grossest thing ever.

Unable to reverse my Ranch Dressing Decision, I put the sandwich in the microwave, heated if for a minute (melty cheese!) and dug in.

First impression: Goo.

When you heat ultra-processed lunchmeat, white bread, cheese and flavored ranch it all turns into a mass of gunk. Without any lettuce, sprouts, tomato, cucumbers or onion, this sandwich featured nothing crisp, nothing that indicated ‘Hey, you’re not just eating hot meat. This is a meal!’ Ugh. Separately I enjoyed the building blocks for this sandwich, but once they were put together and microwaved I found myself eating the sandwich as fast as possible just so that I wouldn’t have to deal with having it in my mouth anymore (I was hungry and running late to catch a train).

I sincerely enjoy eating hot turkey sandwiches made from freshly carved meat. I do not enjoy heated up sliced lunch meat. I also do not like paying to put together a sandwich. Sadly, there’s still another one of these in the fridge. I’m going to eat it cold or make it for George and pretend that I picked it up from the Safeway deli counter and see what he thinks.

Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Serving: 1 snack, 2.25oz. plus water
Calories: 140
Fat: 9%, 6g
Cholesterol: 3%, 10mg
Sodium: 11%, 270mg
Protein: 6g
Carbs: 5%, 16g
Fiber: 2%, <1g
Sugar: 8g
Weight Watchers Points: 4 Points

Lunchables says: Little food for little hands. Lunchables Jr. is the perfect snack for your child who is always “on the go.” Made with wholesome ingredients, Lunchables Jr. provides fun that’s sure to keep your little one engaged.

Abi says: I admit it, when I first saw this Lunchables Jr. I thought “Yes, I want some Teddy Grahams, mozzarella and yogurt!” This is my ideal snack and I was worried that the folks at Lunchables were reading my mind. Who doesn’t love sweet crackers and cultured dairy products?

Then I had the misfortune to actually eat this meal/snack/overly plastic-coated item.

• Teddy Grahams: Pretty much the most delicious thing ever. Small animal-shaped carbohydrates win every time, be they generic animal crackers, cheese flavored fish or teddy-bear shaped graham crackers. Yum.
• Pasteurized Prepared Mozzarella Cheese Product: The name says it all. Oscar Mayer discovered a way to make mozzarella cheese inedible. This soft, flavorless-yet-offensive cheese was cut into slices, which confused the heck out of me. I guess they’re worried that small children will choke on standard string-cheese-style mozzarella. Fortunately, future choking risk is averted because this cheese will just make them hate mozzarella altogether.

• Strawberry Yogurt Flavored Dip - Naturally and Artifically Flavored: As Jess says “I’m not eating yogurt because I want fake food coloring. It looks radioactive.” In the case of this ‘Yogurt Flavored Dip’ the color is from beet juice. However, the flavor is both artificial and natural, and it is not artificially or naturally good. I gagged when I took a bite of the yogurt and realized that I was so far from the sink that if I wanted to spit it out I’d have further to travel than if I just swallowed it and promised my taste buds that I’d never do that again.

  The first ingredient in this dip is water. Plus, it only “contains less than 2% of dehydrated yogurt.” Is there some sort of ‘Don’t feed your kids real yogurt’ rule that nobody told me? And since when is BUTTER a way to flavor STRAWBERRY YOGURT? Also, after reading the ingredients list I had to Google Titanium Dioxide. Oh, I knew what it was (thank you, addiction to making art!), I just wasn’t sure what the heck it was doing in my food. I’m tired of eating things that also appear in the NIOSH Pocket Guide to Chemical Hazards. Titanium Dioxide belongs in sunscreen, paintings and forged maps, not my yogurt flavored dip.

All in all, I’m sure that small children (age 3-5 years) would adore this snack, which comes in a two-pack, which made it just a dollar. There are still two types of Lunchable Jr. left to consume and neither contains Strawberry Yogurt Flavored Dip, thank goodness.

Price: $3.00 on sale
Serving: 1 package, 6.8oz.
Calories: 440 per serving
Fat: 23%, 15g
Cholesterol: 20%, 60mg
Sodium: 59%, 1410mg
Protein: 28g
Carbohydrates: 17%, 50g
Fiber: 12%, 3g
Weight Watchers Points: 9 Points

Oscar Mayer says: Experience a sandwich that has all the warmth, the flavor, and the fresh baked taste you look forward to, without having to go out. In no time at all, you can create a lunch for one, served with soft, warm bread, shaved meats and premium cheese, all individually wrapped for freshness.

Abi says: I always thought that the point of making a microwave meal was to avoid the dreaded sandwich lunch rut and eat something interesting or spicy or at least containing a protein source other than lunch meat. Also, by consuming microwave meals I avoid the inevitable decay of half a loaf of bread that occurs because I can’t be bothered to consume the darn thing/make enough French Toast to feed 8 people.

Oscar Mayer, maker of the most fabulous bacon product in the world, is out to prove me wrong. The company contends that it isn’t a sandwichless lunch that we want, but a hot lunch.

I am slightly perturbed by this assumption and by the price of the product. It was $3.00 on sale, just a couple bucks less than a fresh sandwich at any number of local cafes. Plus, sandwich assembly is complicated and messy when you’re dealing with tiny, potentially explosive packets of condiments. I guess you could eat this if you really, really wanted a warm sandwich, but why not stop by Safeway in the morning and get one of those turkey and havarti paninis? With those the bread is fresher and they are twice the size of this mostly bread assemblage. You could save half for later.

For those of you still interested in acquiring this item, you might be pleased to know that it comes with:

• Enormous loaf of bread a.k.a Country White Sub Roll
• Lots of watery, thick, definitely not shaved Ham (I blotted it, getting ride of some of the excessive moisture, which Oscary Mayer simply describes as ‘water added’. I’m serious about the ‘lots’ part. I ended up eating two slices straight from the package because they didn’t fit on my sandwich)
• Appropriately holey Swiss cheese (or as Kraft puts it “Kraft 2% Milk Reduced Fat Natural Swiss Cheese [1/3 less fat than Swiss Cheese])
• Grey Poupon Deli Mustard (yum, I love mustard)
• Packet o’ Mayo (was immediately discarded - oh sorry, that’s not just mayo, it is ‘Kraft Light Mayonnaise [1/2 the fat & calories of Mayonnaise] - hmm, what’s in there?)
• Warming tray

It is not a crisping tray, as one might find in a Stouffer’s Corner Bistro Flatbread, it is for warming. In reality, it is for catching the cheese that will melt and drip out of the side of your sandwich. Mmmm, melty. Oscar Mayer claims that this sandwich has “Fresh Baked Taste” and that you can “Make the most of lunch with Deli Creations”. But why would I buy this when I can go to Quizno’s (or even Subway, which is not a place I enjoy) and get something much better for just a buck more?

Is there something that I’m missing here? Some brilliantly magical sandwich element that I’ve overlooked? Point me in the direction of salvation dear readers, for I am surely lost in lunch wilderness with this one.

Price: $3.59
Serving: 1 Beef Frank with Bun, 3.4 oz.
Calories: 300
Fat: 31%, 20g
Cholesterol: 12%, 35mg
Sodium: 35%, 830mg
Protein: 10g
Carbohydrates: 7%, 21g
Fiber: 4%, 1g
Weight Watchers Points: 7 Points

Oscar Mayer says: Oscar Mayer Fast Franks taste great thanks to the specially designed microweavable tray that heats the bakery-fresh bun just right, so it’s soft and warm right out of the microwave!

Abi says: If you don’t like hot dogs, these Oscar Mayer Fast Franks certainly won’t convince you to start enjoying them. However, if you do eat hot dogs, these are pretty much perfect for the dead of winter when you’re sorely missing barbecue season.

I first purchased these in the midst of a horrid DC winter and they seemed a perfectly reasonable buy. Then I got home and George made fun of me, because who buys prepackaged hot dogs and buns, huh?

Well, I don’t know about you, but I can’t imagine eating 8 hot dogs in buns over the course of a week. However, 3 small ones seem perfectly reasonable to consume over the course of several days. So, that makes me the person that buys the pre-assembled hot dogs.

The hot dogs themselves aren’t particularly wonderful, in fact they are a bit small, about 4/5 the size of a regular hot dog. They taste like mainstream hot dogs: salty and unidentifiably meaty with a note of summer, but feature none of the huge flavor that comes with the Hebrew National hot dogs available at Costco. The buns are dry, which is most likely due to the fact that they have to sit on the shelf for a long time before someone will buy them. Furthermore, you’re entering dangerous bread territory when you get out the microwave. Microwave rays affect bread in such a way that if it is not consumed quickly it will harden into an inedible mass of carbohydrates.

This winter, I’ll satisfy my hot dog want by taking trips to Costco. That way I can get a hot dog and a soda for just $1.50, plus tax (making the total $1.68) and I can pick up some copies of Real Simple and Discover and InStyle for 30% off the cover price (magazines are my drug, coffee too), gaze longingly at enormous tubs of artichoke spinach dip, and visit all of the friendly sample ladies and the gruff energy bar dude.