Price: $4.19
Serving: 1 meal, 4.9 oz.
Calories: 330
Fat: 20%, 13g
Cholesterol: 18%, 55mg
Sodium: 30%, 720mg
Protein: 23g
Carbs: 10%, 31g
Fiber: 4%, 1g
WW Points: 7 Points

conditional*

Oscar Mayer says: Experience a sandwich that has all the warmth, flavor and fresh baked taste you look forward to, without having to go out. In no time at all, you can create a lunch for one, served with soft warm flatbread, premium cuts of meat, specialty sauces and natural cheeses, all individually wrapped for freshness. It is the hot and melty moment you deserve.

Ingredients listed on front of package: Flatbread; grilled chicken breast strips with ribbed meat – cured; shredded Italian-style three cheese blend of 2% milk reduced fat natural mozzarella cheese, 2% milk reduced fat provolone cheese, Parmesan Cheese; sun-dried tomato sauce.

Adina says: In a move towards full disclosure, I’d like to state that I received this meal free from Oscar Mayer. It is a good thing too, because there is a zero percent chance I would buy this on my own. The reason is three fold: (1) because it is essentially a sandwich in a box, which I do not consider a big whoop de doo; (2) because there are no noodles in said sandwich; and (3) because it is Oscar Mayer and unless this sandwich features a giant hot dog that sings that wiener song on command, I am just not that interested.

I have to say, this review is causing me a lot of grief. On one hand, I really enjoyed this sandwich. The chicken was very tender, which I think is directly related to the fact that this meal is refrigerated and not frozen. It tasted like I had lightly grilled a chicken breast and then cut it up and put it in a sandwich. This makes me chuckle because I would never lightly grill anything. Deep fry? yes. Bake in a pound of butter? Uh yes. But lightly grill? That is just not a phrase I have ever heard myself say out loud. Without shaking my head and laughing.

The flatbread was chewy and warm and better than most bread I have encountered on sandwiches. It might have been my favorite part of the meal. No way, I take that back. The cheese was my favorite part. Apart from the fact that it is cheese (and who doesn’t worship cheese in a slightly idolatrous way?), it just had this really natural, smooth feel to it. It was subtle, the kind of cheese that you notice from across the room – drinking a martini with olives, wearing a sleek black dress, looking effortlessly lovely and approachable, but in an unapproachable way. I want to date this cheese. I want to take this cheese home to my mother, marry this cheese, make this cheese the happiest cheese in the world.

The least desirable part of the actual meal was the dressing. It tasted like what I would imagine salad dressing to taste like if you decided to microwave salad dressing. Salad dressing tends to be over the top taste wise, as if Paul Newman knows that the only thing separating your salad from a field of grass is his magic sauce. And this sauce felt that way, as if it was acknowledging the fact that you were about to eat a fairly plain meal that can only be saved by being punched in the face with a fistful of sun-dried tomatoes. If you decide to eat this meal, you might to consider just putting a tad of the sauce on the sandwich and then toss the rest of the sauce with some lettuce. Or else use it to buff the exterior of your car.

Overall, this meal was definitely 4 stars taste-wise. One of the things keeping me from giving it 4 stars is what this meal weighs in at: 4.9 ounces and 330 calories. Most of the microwave meals I eat range from 8 ounces to 11 ounces. So, this makes this meal possibly the smallest lunch I have ever eaten for Heat Eat Review. And it packs quite a bit of caloric intake considering how small it is. I imagine I could have eaten a candy bar that had similar stats but was, you know, chocolate.

The other thing is that it is $4.19 on non-sale. That means you are almost paying a dollar an ounce. It seems reasonable to ask for that or even more when you are selling smack or baby food, but not when you’re selling some chicken and cheese and hot salad dressing.

*So I am giving this a conditional rating: 3 stars if you buy it full price and it is the only thing you eat for lunch, and 4 stars if you buy it on sale and pair it with a salad that you brought from home. And then you get 4 stars too for eating salad, more power to you.

Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Serving: 1 box: 5.7oz. of food + 6.75 fl. oz.
Calories: 440
Fat: 15%, 10g
Cholesterol: 8%, 25mg
Sodium: 40%, 960mg
Protein: 20g
Carbohydrates: 24%, 71g
Fiber: 4%, 1g
Weight Watchers Points: 9 Points

Lunchables says: Lunchables Mini Tacos includes three soft flour tortillas and seasoned ground beef in taco sauce, Capri Sun 100% Fruit Juice and Wonka Nerds artificially flavored cherry candies.

Abi says: $2.50 is a lot to pay for a Capri Sun, some Nerds and lost dignity. I didn’t know that ground beef could be so finely pureed, which is good to know if I ever have the combination of a feeding tube and a hamburger craving.

Price: $3.00 on sale
Serving: 1 creation, 7.1oz.
Calories: 450
Fat: 26%, 17g
Cholesterol: 18%, 55mg
Sodium: 45%, 1090mg
Protein: 25g
Carbs: 17%, 50g
Fiber: 16%, 4g
Sugar: 13g
Weight Watchers Points: 10 Points

Oscar Mayer says: Oscar Mayer shaved mesquite smoked turkey breast, Kraft monterey jack cheese with jalapeno peppers, Kraft southwestern style ranch dressing, Kraft garden salsa on a country white sub roll.

Abi says: When I saw these on sale at my local Safeway I turned to the guy next to me, who happened to be a stranger, and said ‘Oh man, these things are awful.’ And then I bought two, because my mission is to confuse people at the grocery store.

So, what does cheap (but in reality, really freaking expensive for some bread and meat) get you? It starts with a super-soft roll. If you are at all familiar with Wonder Bread, you know what you’re getting here. Next, you get to top the bread yourself, getting meat juice and dressing and such all over your hands.

I have to admit that I was pleased with the amount of turkey included in this sandwich. It most closely resembled a packed of the Louis Buddig ultra-thin turkey. I love that stuff. For those of you not familiar with Louis Buddig or Land-o-Frost products, just imagine meat paper.

There was enough meat that I was able too eat a few of the slices while assembling the sandwich and still have enough to make a presentable hoagie. Next I topped it with the perfectly shaped sliced of jalapeno jack. Before topping the cheese and meat layers with the other half of the bun I did two things:

1. Decided that Kraft garden salsa resembles nothing more than tomato sauce and tossed it (sorry to those of you who wanted to know how it tastes).
2. Spread Southwestern style ranch on the bread and then realized that warm ranch dressing sounds like pretty much the grossest thing ever.

Unable to reverse my Ranch Dressing Decision, I put the sandwich in the microwave, heated if for a minute (melty cheese!) and dug in.

First impression: Goo.

When you heat ultra-processed lunchmeat, white bread, cheese and flavored ranch it all turns into a mass of gunk. Without any lettuce, sprouts, tomato, cucumbers or onion, this sandwich featured nothing crisp, nothing that indicated ‘Hey, you’re not just eating hot meat. This is a meal!’ Ugh. Separately I enjoyed the building blocks for this sandwich, but once they were put together and microwaved I found myself eating the sandwich as fast as possible just so that I wouldn’t have to deal with having it in my mouth anymore (I was hungry and running late to catch a train).

I sincerely enjoy eating hot turkey sandwiches made from freshly carved meat. I do not enjoy heated up sliced lunch meat. I also do not like paying to put together a sandwich. Sadly, there’s still another one of these in the fridge. I’m going to eat it cold or make it for George and pretend that I picked it up from the Safeway deli counter and see what he thinks.

Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Serving: 1 snack, 2.25oz. plus water
Calories: 140
Fat: 9%, 6g
Cholesterol: 3%, 10mg
Sodium: 11%, 270mg
Protein: 6g
Carbs: 5%, 16g
Fiber: 2%, <1g
Sugar: 8g
Weight Watchers Points: 4 Points

Lunchables says: Little food for little hands. Lunchables Jr. is the perfect snack for your child who is always “on the go.” Made with wholesome ingredients, Lunchables Jr. provides fun that’s sure to keep your little one engaged.

Abi says: I admit it, when I first saw this Lunchables Jr. I thought “Yes, I want some Teddy Grahams, mozzarella and yogurt!” This is my ideal snack and I was worried that the folks at Lunchables were reading my mind. Who doesn’t love sweet crackers and cultured dairy products?

Then I had the misfortune to actually eat this meal/snack/overly plastic-coated item.

• Teddy Grahams: Pretty much the most delicious thing ever. Small animal-shaped carbohydrates win every time, be they generic animal crackers, cheese flavored fish or teddy-bear shaped graham crackers. Yum.
• Pasteurized Prepared Mozzarella Cheese Product: The name says it all. Oscar Mayer discovered a way to make mozzarella cheese inedible. This soft, flavorless-yet-offensive cheese was cut into slices, which confused the heck out of me. I guess they’re worried that small children will choke on standard string-cheese-style mozzarella. Fortunately, future choking risk is averted because this cheese will just make them hate mozzarella altogether.

• Strawberry Yogurt Flavored Dip - Naturally and Artifically Flavored: As Jess says “I’m not eating yogurt because I want fake food coloring. It looks radioactive.” In the case of this ‘Yogurt Flavored Dip’ the color is from beet juice. However, the flavor is both artificial and natural, and it is not artificially or naturally good. I gagged when I took a bite of the yogurt and realized that I was so far from the sink that if I wanted to spit it out I’d have further to travel than if I just swallowed it and promised my taste buds that I’d never do that again.

  The first ingredient in this dip is water. Plus, it only “contains less than 2% of dehydrated yogurt.” Is there some sort of ‘Don’t feed your kids real yogurt’ rule that nobody told me? And since when is BUTTER a way to flavor STRAWBERRY YOGURT? Also, after reading the ingredients list I had to Google Titanium Dioxide. Oh, I knew what it was (thank you, addiction to making art!), I just wasn’t sure what the heck it was doing in my food. I’m tired of eating things that also appear in the NIOSH Pocket Guide to Chemical Hazards. Titanium Dioxide belongs in sunscreen, paintings and forged maps, not my yogurt flavored dip.

All in all, I’m sure that small children (age 3-5 years) would adore this snack, which comes in a two-pack, which made it just a dollar. There are still two types of Lunchable Jr. left to consume and neither contains Strawberry Yogurt Flavored Dip, thank goodness.