Price: 79¢ at Target
Serving: 1 cup, 2.05oz. (+ water)
Calories: 220
Fat: 7%, 4.5g
Cholesterol: 2%, 5mg
Sodium: 25%, 590mg
Protein: 7g
Carbohydrates: 13%, 39g
Fiber: 4%, 1g
Sugar: 6g
Weight Watchers Points: 3 Points

Kraft says: Made with Kraft cheese, garlic and other spices

Abi says: I sincerely enjoy Kraft’s Easy Mac microwave cups. I know that they create waste and cost too much, but they are the perfect amount of salty, cheesy macaroni product. I like them so much that even though I had multiple other varieties of the cups in my cupboard, I kept buying the Three Cheese version and ignoring the Regular, Alfredo and Bacon varieties. Yes, Bacon.

I finally told myself that I couldn’t buy another cup of Kraft Mac and Cheese (even if they were on sale) until I tried the other types. And now I know why I should trust my instincts and stop making arbitrary rules for myself.

This cup featured flavorless, slimy noodles in a sauce that so closely resembled a certain bodily fluid that I didn’t want to go near it. The noodles are similar to the pseudo-egg noodles one finds in a box of Pasta-Roni; about 1.5 inches long, a bit wavy and quite thin. These noodles are difficult to stab with a fork and thus I had to scoop them up, which is not my preferred pasta-eating method.

I know, this sounds really nit-picky, but think about how you eat noodles. When using a fork do you stab or do you scoop? Comments welcome.

The sauce lacked the robust flavor I’ve come to enjoy in other Kraft products and couldn’t be helped even with a liberal application of Italian herbs, garlic and parmesan cheese. And when you’re adding cheese to macaroni and cheese you’ve got a problem. Plus, the cheese and spices needed a good base to rest on and flavor. If you start with bad it doesn’t matter how many herbs and spices you add, you’ll still end up with an awful sauce.

Buying this product is like throwing a dollar in the trash.

Price: $3.00 on sale
Serving: 1 package, 6.8oz.
Calories: 440 per serving
Fat: 23%, 15g
Cholesterol: 20%, 60mg
Sodium: 59%, 1410mg
Protein: 28g
Carbohydrates: 17%, 50g
Fiber: 12%, 3g
Weight Watchers Points: 9 Points

Oscar Mayer says: Experience a sandwich that has all the warmth, the flavor, and the fresh baked taste you look forward to, without having to go out. In no time at all, you can create a lunch for one, served with soft, warm bread, shaved meats and premium cheese, all individually wrapped for freshness.

Abi says: I always thought that the point of making a microwave meal was to avoid the dreaded sandwich lunch rut and eat something interesting or spicy or at least containing a protein source other than lunch meat. Also, by consuming microwave meals I avoid the inevitable decay of half a loaf of bread that occurs because I can’t be bothered to consume the darn thing/make enough French Toast to feed 8 people.

Oscar Mayer, maker of the most fabulous bacon product in the world, is out to prove me wrong. The company contends that it isn’t a sandwichless lunch that we want, but a hot lunch.

I am slightly perturbed by this assumption and by the price of the product. It was $3.00 on sale, just a couple bucks less than a fresh sandwich at any number of local cafes. Plus, sandwich assembly is complicated and messy when you’re dealing with tiny, potentially explosive packets of condiments. I guess you could eat this if you really, really wanted a warm sandwich, but why not stop by Safeway in the morning and get one of those turkey and havarti paninis? With those the bread is fresher and they are twice the size of this mostly bread assemblage. You could save half for later.

For those of you still interested in acquiring this item, you might be pleased to know that it comes with:

• Enormous loaf of bread a.k.a Country White Sub Roll
• Lots of watery, thick, definitely not shaved Ham (I blotted it, getting ride of some of the excessive moisture, which Oscary Mayer simply describes as ‘water added’. I’m serious about the ‘lots’ part. I ended up eating two slices straight from the package because they didn’t fit on my sandwich)
• Appropriately holey Swiss cheese (or as Kraft puts it “Kraft 2% Milk Reduced Fat Natural Swiss Cheese [1/3 less fat than Swiss Cheese])
• Grey Poupon Deli Mustard (yum, I love mustard)
• Packet o’ Mayo (was immediately discarded - oh sorry, that’s not just mayo, it is ‘Kraft Light Mayonnaise [1/2 the fat & calories of Mayonnaise] - hmm, what’s in there?)
• Warming tray

It is not a crisping tray, as one might find in a Stouffer’s Corner Bistro Flatbread, it is for warming. In reality, it is for catching the cheese that will melt and drip out of the side of your sandwich. Mmmm, melty. Oscar Mayer claims that this sandwich has “Fresh Baked Taste” and that you can “Make the most of lunch with Deli Creations”. But why would I buy this when I can go to Quizno’s (or even Subway, which is not a place I enjoy) and get something much better for just a buck more?

Is there something that I’m missing here? Some brilliantly magical sandwich element that I’ve overlooked? Point me in the direction of salvation dear readers, for I am surely lost in lunch wilderness with this one.

Price: $2.50
Serving: 1 meal. 7.05 oz.
Calories: 250
Fat: 20%, 13g
Sodium: 47%, 1130mg
Protein: 24gg
Carbs: 8%, 24g
Fiber: 15%, 15g
Weight Watchers Points: 5 Points

South Beach says: South Beach Diet Wraps combine the perfect blend of ingredients - soft wraps, flavorful sauces or dressings, and natural cheeses or crunchy toppings - for a taste sensation you’ll love!

Kelly says: I am not on the South Beach diet. I am a carb lover (hello, Easten European heritage!) and I find dieting slightly freaky. I’m not talking about eating healthy. I’m talking about dieting, you know, the sort that brings to mind the Gap Girls on Saturday Night Live.

But the South Beach Diet is supposed to be nutritious and filling, satisfying even. So when I saw this adult lunchable on sale at my grocery store, I thought “Great! Now I won’t have to wait in the office microwave line!”

Ugh, I’d rather wait in line than eat this any day. The mayo alone is 40 calories. Which means that cutting out the mayo brings this meal down to 210 calories. I also did not consume the Jell-o. Even healthier, right? WRONG. I was hungry in two hours. That’s what happens when you don’t EAT anything. I felt like Chris Farley in that video, but minus David Spade and Adam Sandler as my preppy sidekicks.

Even though it does not need to be said, I will say it: South Beach Diet’s Turkey Bacon Club Wraps is not a filling lunch, though it is sort of fun to put together. There are ultra-processed turkey slices, mini wheat tortillas, and a little packet of bacon. I wish I could just buy little packs of bacon in the store. Then I could occasionally use bacon without making the whole house smell like deep fried meat.

I know, there are pouches of pre-made bacon already out there, and they aren’t even refrigerated! That weirds me out.

Bacon aside, these South Beach Diet wraps are simply Lunchables for adults but without the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup or Andes mint. Wowsers. 47% of my sodium intake for the day was in the meal 7 ounce snack.

As a college educated adult I should know better than to eat this junk.

Price: $2.50 on sale
Serving: One tray, 11 oz.
Calories: 290
Fat: 17% Daily Value, 11g
Cholesterol: 18%, 55mg
Sodium: 34%, 820mg
Protein: 29g
Carbohydrates: 8%, 24g
Fiber: 32%, 8g
Weight Watchers Points: 6 Points

Kraft says: Breast strips with rib meat, penne pasta, broccoli, red bell peppers and asparagus in garlic parmesan sauce.

Andrew says: Kraft needs to work on their flavor text for South Beach meals. They all have the same lame note from the author of the diet and no real exposition on the meal you’re about to eat. In any case, I felt kind of bad that I had to go and drop that zero star rating on the South Beach wraps a while back, so I got a couple other meals of theirs that I expected to be more satisfying.

The first thing I noticed about this meal was the watery sauce. And then I realized that the penne pasta is whole wheat. The South Beach Diet must be pretty big on whole wheat, since Kraft uses whole wheat in their pizza crusts, the tortillas for those awful wraps and the pastas. The pasta isn’t bad, though it could be a little more al dente. By now I’ve come to realize that any frozen food pasta is a mini disaster waiting to happen, so any half-decent pasta is somewhat miraculous. Kraft’s South Beach pasta is half-decent.

Also I’d like to direct the readers’ attention to the inclusion of asparagus here. This is the first time I’ve ever had asparagus in a frozen meal and it turned out pretty nicely. It had a good buttery flavor to it and it wasn’t overly rubbery. It was my favorite part of the meal, actually, because the chicken (usually the highlight of frozen food for me) was both sparse and small.

The garlic parmesan sauce is mostly cheesy with some herbal notes, but it’s really not that garlicky at all. That said, it’s pretty smooth and kind of buttery (maybe that’s where the asparagus gets it). Also, sherry wine is in the ingredient list: Classy!

All in all, the meal was kind of forgettable. Certainly not one I’d avoid, but I could see myself buying this again in a month or so thinking I was trying something new, then starting to eat it and saying “hey, I HAVE had this before!” and feeling kind of let down.

I’m only 25, but this has happened more than I’d like to admit.