Jess

Jess's dedication to the culinary arts began at a young age when she spear-headed the raw food movement at 5 years of age, stubbornly refusing to eat anything other than uncooked zucchini, much to her parents concern. Later, when this became boring, she realized that raw foods lack the variety in food consistency that a growing girl needs in order to appreciate diversity and promptly gave up on the whole thing.

At 17, after years of eating her mother's flavorful entrees, always cooked with either love or bitterness at being under-appreciated, she left home. Once Jess started living on her own, she quickly realized a few important things:

She didn't know how to cook nor could she correctly identify most cooking tools
Were she interested in learning to cook, this would take both considerable time and energy of which he had neither
Even once she learned how to cook, cooking itself took time and energy and money. Forget that!
God/Mrs. Stouffer had invented microwave meals, dishes that were eatable in under 5 minutes and required very little preparation time.

Thusly her fate was sealed � a devout microwave meal eater she would become.

From veggie burgers to ramen noodles to strange individual servings of flaky fake potatoes she has seen and just barely been able to swallow it all (except pork and seafood entrees which she just won't do). She's more than happy to share her trials and tribulations with the Internet, always doused with a little bit of "too much personal information" as garnish.

Jess also enjoys televised water polo on mute with her own iPod as soundtrack, animated hand gestures, irony (but not in the Alanis Morrisette way), beverages with little umbrellas and undeserved praise.

Latest Reviews by Jess:

Kashi Sweet and Sour Chicken

August 28, 2006 | Reviewer: Jess

Kashi Sweet and Sour Chicken Price: $3.00 on sale, free from Kashi
Serving: 1 package, 10 oz.
Calories: 320
Fat: 5%, 3.5g
Sodium: 12%, 35mg
Sodium: 16%, 380mg
Protein: 18g
Carbs: 18%, 55g
Fiber: 24%, 6g
Diabetic Exchange: 3 1/2 carbohydrates, 3 very lean meats
Weight Watchers Points: 6 Points

Kashi says: Sliced chicken with roasted green beans and yellow pepper, red pepper, crimini mushrooms, onions and edamame (soybeans), served over KashiÂ® 7 Whole Grains Pilaf, and topped with a light, tangy sweet and sour sauce.

Jess says: The Kashi food development company totally has a crush on Heat Eat Review and sent us freebies from their new line of frozen meals as a token of their favor. While they did not include a “Do you like me? Circle Yes or No” letter, it was only because they did not want to appear too forward. Well I would have circled “YES” twice with emphasis, Kashi. You have my heart (and my happy belly).

The chicken looks like someone just decapitated the fowl in the backyard, de-feathered it and roasted it just for me. That’s how fresh! Even though I know in my heart of hearts that the chicken died en masse and was frozen for a while somewhere. The edamame is a lovely crunchy addition of protein power. The beans have odd grill marks that distract the eyes, but happily not the taste buds. The sauce tastes somehow mesquitey, which offsets the sweetness in a pleasant tasty way. It’s like eating Chinese food in Arizona. Or like eating BBQ in a Chinese restaurant. Or perhaps like neither of these things. Finally, there are the whole grains that make this filling meal taste somehow wholesome, like malt shops and Disney movies. I was full all day long and only needed to have beer for dinner. It turns out this was a poor life choice but that is irrelevant to this review.

If you go the Kashi website you may become freaked out by their cultish mottos (Ex. “Wellness isn’t a race; it’s a journey. And every day is a new opportunity to live life a little healthier than the day before.”) and emphasis on changing your life by bowel regularity. Don’t let this deter you from buying this meal. It is a good choice, unlike drinking beer for dinner.

Tanya at Iateapie.net also gave this meal a try. She agrees with our assessment of the tastiness of Kashi’s Sweet and Sour Chicken, but notes that it does contain more sugar than you’d expect in a ‘health’ food.

Filed Under 6 WW Points, Chicken, Five Stars, Kashi Frozen Meal Reviews | 70 Comments

Amy’s Kitchen Tofu Vegetable Lasagna

August 2, 2006 | Reviewer: Jess

If lasagna were to be a brick house*, then cheese would be the mortar - the substance without which, the building would be flimsy and unstable…

Amy's Kitchen Tofu Vegetable Lasagna

Price: $3.49
Serving: 1 Lasagna, 9.5 oz.
Calories per serving: 310
Fat: 18%, 11g
Sodium: 28%, 680mg
Carbs: 14%, 41g
Fiber: 24%, 6g
Protein: 13g

Amy’s Kitchen says: For those who prefer not to eat cheese, the same delicious sauce, organic pasta and vegetables as the Vegetable Lasagna, but made with tofu and soy cheese.

Jess says: If lasagna were to be a brick house*, then cheese would be the mortar - the substance without which, the building would be flimsy and unstable. Similarly, I believe that melted cheese may be the glue that holds my life together. I just now tried to mentally erase cheese from my own personal history and realized that it all became an intangible blur and then I shuddered.

So why would I buy something “for those who prefer not to eat cheese”? Well I didn’t read the ingredients. I saw the pretty picture that insinuates pasta, cheese, tofu, and veggies and, liking all these things, assumed that this would result in another rave review dedicated to Amy’s Kitchen. While wanting for that melodic hunger ding of the micro, (I usually dance around in anticipation) I happened to survey what I was in store for. And leaping lizards! There I see fake soy cheese! A co-worker was standing next to me. “That’s no good,” he said.

Abi later tried to convince me that there was cottage cheese in the lasagna. Then it turned out she was lying. Now allow me to enumerate:

The lasagna was tasty, but in a salty way, so that you know it is only tasty because it is so salty.
Soy cheese is not real cheese and should not pretend to be real cheese. It should look up to real cheese in the way that O’Douls looks up to Guinness.
When tomato saucy microwave dishes don’t make you cook them at half power, don’t get too excited about the quicker prep time. It results in hardened, tomatoey crust along the perimeter that you cannot eat, though you may still be hungry. You will probably feel robbed and want to turn back time and do some half power cooking.

In conclusion, if you do eat real cheese, buy lasagna with real cheese.

*As I wrote that, I was singing the song Brickhouse by Lionel Richie and The Commodores. You may have done that too. As a kid, instead of “she’s mighty, mighty,” I thought they were saying “she’s mathematic” not that either choice makes sense with ” just lettin’ it all hang out”.

Filed Under Amy's Kitchen Reviews, Four Stars, Pasta, Vegetarian | 6 Comments

Lean Cuisine Chicken Portabello

June 6, 2006 | Reviewer: Jess

Lean Cuisine Chicken Portabello

Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Serving: 1 package, 12 oz.
Calories: 380
Fat: 10%, 7g
Sodium: 35%, 850mg
Protein: 25g
WW Points: 8 Winning Points
Diet Exchanges: 2 Lean Meat, 2 Starch, 1 other carbohydrate, 1 Vegetable, 1/2 Fruit

Lean Cuisine says: Chicken tenderloins in a portabello mushroom sauce,a rice and vegetable medley with a chocolate cherry dessert.

Jess says: European women don’t get fat. There are about 30,001 self-help books on Amazon.com that will tell you this, some with clever titles like “French Women Don’t Get Fat.” You should not buy these books, even though I just made it incredibly easy by linking you directly to one. I will give you answers now. Instant gratification! No shipping charge! One reason why they don’t get fat is because they don’t eat processed foods. They eat fresh food from outdoor markets that is kept cool, as it is shaded from the sun by their berets. Oh man, I feel kind of guilty. That stereotype is old, stupid, and wrong. I really do like and respect you, France! But I’m keeping it in because French people will not go to this site - (see 6 sentences ago). But another reason they don’t get fat is because they eat their biggest meal at lunch and then they have the whole day of moving and shaking to digest and burn those calories. It’s so brilliant and yet so obvious!

Filed Under 8 WW Points, Chicken, Five Stars, Lean Cuisine Reviews | 6 Comments

Lean Cuisine Creamy Basil Chicken

May 31, 2006 | Reviewer: Jess

Lean Cuisine Creamy Basil Chicken

Price: $2.89
Serving: 1 Bowl, 10 1/2 oz.
Calories: 290
Fat: 11%, 7g
Sodium: 26%, 640mg
Protein: 22g
Carbs: 11%, 33gs
WW Points: 6 Winning Points
Diet Exchange: 1 1/2 Lean meat, 2 starch, 1 vegetable, 1/2 Skim Milk

Lean Cuisine says: Roasted white meat chicken with penne pasta, red and yellow peppers and zucchini in a creamy basil sauce

Jess says: Lean Cuisine, do you google yourself? Don’t be ashamed. It’s fairly common practice these days. Everyone does it. I’ve done it.

Well, I’m hoping that you do. And that Google has led you to this site. My esteemed colleagues and I have really good advice for you, and we’ve developed a relationship with you that you may not even be aware of! We address you personally and we always come back to you even when you do us harm. We want to you succeed and you should listen to us. You really couldn’t ask for a more targeted audience. We’re in our 20’s and still body-conscious enough to purchase food that promises leanness. We’re poor and really don’t like spending a lot on lunch and, let’s face it, you set your prices low even before the frequent (if not constant) sales at Safeway and Giant. I won’t buy you if you’re more than $3 because I know it’s just a matter of time before you’ll come back to your cheap senses. But we’re classy, and like to think that we have discriminating tastes. So we get excited about exotic food descriptions that imply cuisine of various cultural origins. Yes, we could email you directly, but we are already doing so much of your work for you. We’ve stepped forward towards you. Red rover, its time for Lean Cuisine to come over.

That said, on to this meal, which in not a finished product, but a work in progress. But all is not lost. We can fix this. First of all, stop with the cubed chicken. It’s not pretty. It’s not tasty. It does not survive the microwaving process well. And its rubbery texture can frighten the squeamish. Second, if you promise that something has basil in it (yes, basil is one of the loveliest of the herbs) you should use real basil leaves. Using basil flakes is insulting. I could have poured my own basil flakes on the meal that had not been frozen and thus nullified in taste and smell. It’s a basil sauce! Give a little! Finally, capitalize on your veggies. You claim to have perfected the veggie freezing process (I read your boxes). I don’t disagree. Your zucchini was scrumptious and the peppers tasted like peppers. But the scant offering of veggies leads this meal to blandness. Now that you’ve eliminated the chicken, throw me some more of those zucchini slices. And I’m still impressed by your snap peas from a previous meal, so give me some sugar (meaning add snap peas to this meal).

I think this relationship between Heat.Eat.Review and Lean Cuisine has beautiful potential for growth. Let’s be better, together, okay?

Filed Under 6 WW Points, Chicken, Lean Cuisine Reviews, Pasta, Three Stars | Leave a Comment