Jess

Jess's dedication to the culinary arts began at a young age when she spear-headed the raw food movement at 5 years of age, stubbornly refusing to eat anything other than uncooked zucchini, much to her parents concern. Later, when this became boring, she realized that raw foods lack the variety in food consistency that a growing girl needs in order to appreciate diversity and promptly gave up on the whole thing.

At 17, after years of eating her mother's flavorful entrees, always cooked with either love or bitterness at being under-appreciated, she left home. Once Jess started living on her own, she quickly realized a few important things:

She didn't know how to cook nor could she correctly identify most cooking tools
Were she interested in learning to cook, this would take both considerable time and energy of which he had neither
Even once she learned how to cook, cooking itself took time and energy and money. Forget that!
God/Mrs. Stouffer had invented microwave meals, dishes that were eatable in under 5 minutes and required very little preparation time.

Thusly her fate was sealed � a devout microwave meal eater she would become.

From veggie burgers to ramen noodles to strange individual servings of flaky fake potatoes she has seen and just barely been able to swallow it all (except pork and seafood entrees which she just won't do). She's more than happy to share her trials and tribulations with the Internet, always doused with a little bit of "too much personal information" as garnish.

Jess also enjoys televised water polo on mute with her own iPod as soundtrack, animated hand gestures, irony (but not in the Alanis Morrisette way), beverages with little umbrellas and undeserved praise.

Latest Reviews by Jess:

Healthy Choice Roasted Chicken

November 1, 2006 | Reviewer: Jess

Healthy Choice Honey Balsamic Grilled Chicken

Price: $3.19
Serving: 1 package, 11.4 oz.
Calories: 290
Fat: 11%, 7g
Sodium: 25%, 600mg
Protein: 16g
Carbs: 13%, 39g
Fiber: 40%, 10g
WW Points: 6 Points
Diet Exchanges: 1 Lean Meat, 1.5 Starch, 1 Carbohydrate, .5 Fruit

Healthy Choice says: Roasting brings out the flavors of our tender and lean white meat chicken. Creamy mashed potatoes and savory mushroom sauce with hints of thyme and sage, a medley of peas and carrots, and sweet peach crisp complete this satisfying meal.

Jess says: You should only eat this meal if you want to punish yourself for something bad that you did in a previous life. They should call the meal ‘Karma Chicken’. This large rock of chicken definitely has that pureed-chicken-bits-reformed-to-look-like-chicken-breast look, as in ‘disgusting’. While eating it, I had the joy of biting into one of those fat roadblocks, which I had to spit out. You know what I’m talking about. Those things are nasty.

The at times globular and at times runny gravy had two minuscule mushroom bits and very little flavor. To top off the entree, the potatoes have that grainy, paperish taste of instant potato flakes. I would be able to describe them better if there were more than two bites of them. They went by too quickly for my taste buds to make any real judgements. The peas and carrots were awesome, but I feel like peas and carrots are naturally awesome. They are really low maintenance veggies and they caused me to make this mental note: eat more peas and carrots.

I was excited that the peach cobbler had some oaty grains on the top, so I would have the joy of eating more than just the pie filling that is in most of the other Healthy Choice desserts. But while eating the “cobbler”, I found it just tasted like oaty pie filling. It was as if cereal had accidentally fallen into the pie filling can. Not much for flavor, nor desserty joy. On the plus side I now feel redeemed for my sins. Thank you Karma Chicken. It’s like I never even went to Vegas!

(I’ve confirmed that the potatoes were made from flakes. Come on Healthy Choice! You have these new commercials showing chefs making your “new packaging” meals and then you go and use potato flakes? Ew. — Abi Jones, Editor)

Filed Under 6 WW Points, Chicken, Healthy Choice Reviews, NaBloPoMo, Three Stars | 10 Comments

Michelina’s Lean Gourmet Penne Primavera

October 16, 2006 | Reviewer: Jess

Dollar meals. How do they stand up against a dollar menu? Do they fulfill the claim of being an actual meal or should you be shopping around for $3.00 worth of fast food? Jess explores these topics with Michelina’s Lean Gourmet Penne Primavera.

Michelina's Lean Gourmet Penne Primavera

Price: $1.00
Serving: 1 bowl, 8 oz.
Calories: 240
Fat: 11%, 7g
Sodium: 22%, 520mg
Protein: 9g
WW Points: 5 Winning Points

Michelina says: Whole wheat pasta with vegetables in a light Alfredo sauce

Jess says: This meal kind of tastes like plastic, which is surprising since it is cooked in cardboard with a cardboard flap, so the plastic must be a special ingredient, not merely packaging essence. Still, it isn’t bad and was entirely edible. In fact, it made me wonder if I could eat plastic were I to be stranded on a tupperware island, though that must be hell on the digestional tract.

Of course, the meal isn’t good either. The sauce is blah and the portion is meager. In fact, the one thing that I can say about this meal is that is uninspiring. My cup usually overflowth while writing food reviews, but this meal has dried my mental inkwell.

If you only have one dollar to your name (and I guess some pocket change for tax), go get a sundae from the McDonald’s dollar menu. If you are lactose intollerant, get fries. If you don’t have any money to your name, but you have a microwave and someone gives you this meal, go ahead and eat it. It will do the job.

Strangely, Hungry-Girl raved about it.

Filed Under Michelina Reviews, Three Stars, Vegetarian | 15 Comments

Smart Ones Spicy Szechuan Style Vegetables and Chicken

October 2, 2006 | Reviewer: Jess

Smart Ones Spicy Szechuan Style Vegetables and Chicken

Price: $2.50
Serving: 1 tray, 9 oz.
Calories: 240
Fat: 8%, 5g
Sodium: 37%, 900mg
Protein: 11g
Carbohydrates: 12%, 36g
Fiber: 16%, 4g
WW Points: 4 Points

Smart Ones says: A delectable Asian sensation of crisp, colorful vegetables and tender white meat chicken, simmered in a sweet and spicy blend of hoisin and soy sauces.

Jess says: Have you ever ordered Chinese food in a “bad” neighborhood? If you have ever had your white box placed in revolving plastic door in the middle of a bullet-proof window then the answer is yes. If the Chinese restaurant also sells chicken wings, the answer is also yes. There was a lovely little store meeting this description across the street from my high school. At “lunch”, we would hum mission impossible ditties as we bounded across the traffic while the security personnel were looking elsewhere (other high school girls).

This meal tastes just like food from that store (oh the memories that came ajourneying to my mind)! It’s just as overly salty and just as skimpy on the chicken. Does it have that extra essence of mischief and ill-spent youth? Only if you add it. The fact that this meal is reminiscent of my old haunting ground is actually a compliment to the meal. Microwave food succeeds if it resembles real “made hot and stayed hot” food, even if that meal is less than inspiring.

Speaking of inspiring, this meal advertises that it is so good for you that this somehow carries over to your moral fiber. It claims “Tastes so good, you want to be good”. Sure. Why not? I’ll pay it forward, by offering this advice: You should eat this meal, but it’s not of “staple lunch item” quality. Just throw it in for a little “spice of life” and only if its heavily discounted. Oh and I like picked some trash up off the street the other day. The Earth says “Thank you, Smart Ones”.

Filed Under 4 WW Points, Chicken, Smart Ones Reviews, Three Stars | 8 Comments

Amy’s Kitchen Veggie Loaf

September 27, 2006 | Reviewer: Jess

Amy's Kitchen Veggie Loaf

Price: $3.49 (sale)
Serving: 1 meal, 10 oz.
Calories: 280
Fat: 11%, 7g
Sodium: 29%, 690mg
Protein: 8g
Carbs: 16%, 47g
Fiber: 28%, 7g

Amy’s Kitchen says: The loaf slice, made from a blend of legumes and organic vegetables, is covered with a perfectly seasoned tomato based gravy and accompanied by fluffy organic mashed potatoes, tender organic green peas and gold corn kernels that keep their own natural flavor without adding oil or butter.

Jess says: I’m going to go ahead and tell you the moral of this review first in case you just want a cheap take-away from my trials and tribulations without a wordy account of my path to knowledge. The moral: Making drunk promises can open up a door to new, positive experiences. You should boozily promise to eat this meal.

The story; I was out for cocktails with some coworkers and HeatEatReview.com contributers. In the Venn diagram of life, these two circles would be mightily overlapping. Abi, mistress of the microwave meal, had promised that we would not discuss HeatEatReview while enjoying our downtime. How foolish and naive we were! The poison was quick and we started discussing the contents of our freezers. At some point this little vegetarian delight was discussed. I mentioned how the very look of it frightened me, nevermind the harsh tonalities of its name. Really, what is appetizing about a veggie loaf? I am unsure if its morally just to allow animal parts to be loafed. And then to model this form by manipulating food processed veggies like Play Doh? Not cool.

Abi asked, “Would you review it if I bought it for you”? The Cuba Libre said “Yes”.

Fast forward to the gelatinous gravy steaming off of a “loaf” of questionable contents. Onlookers were puzzled and huddled together for comfort. Abi laughed in the face of my task. The mashed potatoes and corn held promise in their gravyless far away corners.

Sure, I was scared. But I dug in! And, readers, I kid you not, it was pretty good. It had a grainy, veggie texture like a puffed up garden burger and the crazy gravy had a hint of sweetness. The trick, I think, is that they did not make it taste like meat. The made it taste like, well, processed and manipulated veggies and grains formed into a loaf and topped with sweet gravy. But, you know, in a totally positive way. And like a tried and true friend, corn and potatoes were there to be supportive and reliable when they’re needed to round out a meal.

I’d give it one more star if it was prettier on the eyes. But staring at it too long made me start to feel regret.

Thanks, Abi. I often judge too harshly and, were it not for your wily ways and the effects of the happy juice, this meal and I would not have crossed paths.

Filed Under Amy's Kitchen Reviews, Three Stars, Vegetarian | 9 Comments