Jess

Jess's dedication to the culinary arts began at a young age when she spear-headed the raw food movement at 5 years of age, stubbornly refusing to eat anything other than uncooked zucchini, much to her parents concern. Later, when this became boring, she realized that raw foods lack the variety in food consistency that a growing girl needs in order to appreciate diversity and promptly gave up on the whole thing.

At 17, after years of eating her mother's flavorful entrees, always cooked with either love or bitterness at being under-appreciated, she left home. Once Jess started living on her own, she quickly realized a few important things:

She didn't know how to cook nor could she correctly identify most cooking tools
Were she interested in learning to cook, this would take both considerable time and energy of which he had neither
Even once she learned how to cook, cooking itself took time and energy and money. Forget that!
God/Mrs. Stouffer had invented microwave meals, dishes that were eatable in under 5 minutes and required very little preparation time.

Thusly her fate was sealed � a devout microwave meal eater she would become.

From veggie burgers to ramen noodles to strange individual servings of flaky fake potatoes she has seen and just barely been able to swallow it all (except pork and seafood entrees which she just won't do). She's more than happy to share her trials and tribulations with the Internet, always doused with a little bit of "too much personal information" as garnish.

Jess also enjoys televised water polo on mute with her own iPod as soundtrack, animated hand gestures, irony (but not in the Alanis Morrisette way), beverages with little umbrellas and undeserved praise.

Latest Reviews by Jess:

Stouffer’s Rigatoni with Roasted White Meat Chicken

December 21, 2006 | Reviewer: Jess

Stouffer's Rigatoni with Roasted White Meat Chicken

Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Serving: 1 package, 8 3/8 oz.
Calories: 390
Fat: 22%, 15g
Sodium: 34%, 820mg
Protein: 19g
Carbs: 15%, 44g
Fiber: 12%, 3g

Stouffer’s says: Roasted chicken breast tossed with al dente rigatoni pasta and flavorful basil pesto made with extra virgin olive oil,garlic,pine nuts and aged Parmesan cheese.

Jess says: I made an important life discovery today. If you are really really hungry, then whatever you heat will probably taste incredibly delicious. My stomach was making these sick nasty gurgles at my desk before I cracked open the freezer and released this orange boxcicle from its icy home. And let me tell you, I popped out of my office chair as soon as I heard that microwave go “ding, ding, ding”. I didn’t even wait those 2 minutes of radiation toxin resting time. I was hungry. So I pretty much inhaled this garlicky, pestoey magic and was more and more impressed by its taste with each not properly chewed swallow. The sauce was well distributed, the pasta portion was enough to satiate, and the chicken cubes had a robust surface area (for a microwave meal).

When it was all over I realized that I didn’t take the cute little ‘how I look in real life’ picture that Abi likes. I was beyond thinking of even you, H.E.R. readers, I was THAT hungry. But I decided to write this up anyway while I was still awash in a belly-full glow, since you will tell me if I’m again grossly over-rating a meal and this is actually a pest-no, not a rigaton-si. (I nearly edited that out but stopped myself)

Still I’d place my bets on tastiness. Has pesto and pasta ever really done you wrong?

Readers - Fortunately for you, I managed to procure this meal for myself and take a picture. Apparently, the flourescent lights at school react strangely to the Stouffer’s box. That’s a problem. -Abi Jones, Ed.

Filed Under Chicken, Four Stars, Pasta, Stouffer's Frozen Meal Reviews | 1 Comment

Ethnic Gourmet Chicken Tikka Masala

November 15, 2006 | Reviewer: Jess

Ethnic Gourmet Chicken Tikka Masala

Price: $4.00 (full price)
Serving: 1 package, 10 oz.
Calories: 200
Fat: 9%, 6g
Sodium: 28%, 680mg
Protein: 17g
Carbs: 6%, 19g
Fiber: 7%, 2g

Ethnic Gourmet says: Seasoned white meat chicken pieces in a robust, creamy sauce, with seasoned, long-grain brown rice.

Jess says: I have been eating a lot of Indian food lately (both of the “cloth napkin” and “pierced plastic film” variety) so my palate is especially in tune with the bountiful spices of India. I went to an Indian buffet last Friday and scooped fat-ass amounts of Chicken Tikka Masala on to my wrist-injuring serving plate. While the plate is another story, damn! I love that creamy yogurt spiciness! This microwave meal, however, was nowhere near my Friday feast.

Look at the picture of Ethnic Gourmet’s Chicken Tikka offering. Ask yourself, ‘Where is the chicken?’ The answer is ‘Not in Jess’s bowl’. There was literally one strip of chicken and then a bunch of shredded chicken bits that required spooning as the bits were too tiny for fork prongs. The rice, as happens often with brown rice, had no vah vah voom. Thank Ganesh that the sauce saved the meal.

I dumped all the bland rice in with the not-as-good-as-take-out sauce and went to town with my ricey chicken bits. Based on previous reviews of Ethnic Gourmet items, I think they need to go back to the drawing board on their name. Thesaurus.com suggested “Ethnic Amateur” or how about “Ethnic Passables”.

Filed Under Chicken, Ethnic Gourmet Reviews, NaBloPoMo, Three Stars | 13 Comments

Healthy Choice Roasted Chicken

November 1, 2006 | Reviewer: Jess

Healthy Choice Honey Balsamic Grilled Chicken

Price: $3.19
Serving: 1 package, 11.4 oz.
Calories: 290
Fat: 11%, 7g
Sodium: 25%, 600mg
Protein: 16g
Carbs: 13%, 39g
Fiber: 40%, 10g
WW Points: 6 Points
Diet Exchanges: 1 Lean Meat, 1.5 Starch, 1 Carbohydrate, .5 Fruit

Healthy Choice says: Roasting brings out the flavors of our tender and lean white meat chicken. Creamy mashed potatoes and savory mushroom sauce with hints of thyme and sage, a medley of peas and carrots, and sweet peach crisp complete this satisfying meal.

Jess says: You should only eat this meal if you want to punish yourself for something bad that you did in a previous life. They should call the meal ‘Karma Chicken’. This large rock of chicken definitely has that pureed-chicken-bits-reformed-to-look-like-chicken-breast look, as in ‘disgusting’. While eating it, I had the joy of biting into one of those fat roadblocks, which I had to spit out. You know what I’m talking about. Those things are nasty.

The at times globular and at times runny gravy had two minuscule mushroom bits and very little flavor. To top off the entree, the potatoes have that grainy, paperish taste of instant potato flakes. I would be able to describe them better if there were more than two bites of them. They went by too quickly for my taste buds to make any real judgements. The peas and carrots were awesome, but I feel like peas and carrots are naturally awesome. They are really low maintenance veggies and they caused me to make this mental note: eat more peas and carrots.

I was excited that the peach cobbler had some oaty grains on the top, so I would have the joy of eating more than just the pie filling that is in most of the other Healthy Choice desserts. But while eating the “cobbler”, I found it just tasted like oaty pie filling. It was as if cereal had accidentally fallen into the pie filling can. Not much for flavor, nor desserty joy. On the plus side I now feel redeemed for my sins. Thank you Karma Chicken. It’s like I never even went to Vegas!

(I’ve confirmed that the potatoes were made from flakes. Come on Healthy Choice! You have these new commercials showing chefs making your “new packaging” meals and then you go and use potato flakes? Ew. — Abi Jones, Editor)

Filed Under 6 WW Points, Chicken, Healthy Choice Reviews, NaBloPoMo, Three Stars | 10 Comments

Michelina’s Lean Gourmet Penne Primavera

October 16, 2006 | Reviewer: Jess

Dollar meals. How do they stand up against a dollar menu? Do they fulfill the claim of being an actual meal or should you be shopping around for $3.00 worth of fast food? Jess explores these topics with Michelina’s Lean Gourmet Penne Primavera.

Michelina's Lean Gourmet Penne Primavera

Price: $1.00
Serving: 1 bowl, 8 oz.
Calories: 240
Fat: 11%, 7g
Sodium: 22%, 520mg
Protein: 9g
WW Points: 5 Winning Points

Michelina says: Whole wheat pasta with vegetables in a light Alfredo sauce

Jess says: This meal kind of tastes like plastic, which is surprising since it is cooked in cardboard with a cardboard flap, so the plastic must be a special ingredient, not merely packaging essence. Still, it isn’t bad and was entirely edible. In fact, it made me wonder if I could eat plastic were I to be stranded on a tupperware island, though that must be hell on the digestional tract.

Of course, the meal isn’t good either. The sauce is blah and the portion is meager. In fact, the one thing that I can say about this meal is that is uninspiring. My cup usually overflowth while writing food reviews, but this meal has dried my mental inkwell.

If you only have one dollar to your name (and I guess some pocket change for tax), go get a sundae from the McDonald’s dollar menu. If you are lactose intollerant, get fries. If you don’t have any money to your name, but you have a microwave and someone gives you this meal, go ahead and eat it. It will do the job.

Strangely, Hungry-Girl raved about it.

Filed Under Michelina Reviews, Three Stars, Vegetarian | 15 Comments