Jess

Jess's dedication to the culinary arts began at a young age when she spear-headed the raw food movement at 5 years of age, stubbornly refusing to eat anything other than uncooked zucchini, much to her parents concern. Later, when this became boring, she realized that raw foods lack the variety in food consistency that a growing girl needs in order to appreciate diversity and promptly gave up on the whole thing.

At 17, after years of eating her mother's flavorful entrees, always cooked with either love or bitterness at being under-appreciated, she left home. Once Jess started living on her own, she quickly realized a few important things:

She didn't know how to cook nor could she correctly identify most cooking tools
Were she interested in learning to cook, this would take both considerable time and energy of which he had neither
Even once she learned how to cook, cooking itself took time and energy and money. Forget that!
God/Mrs. Stouffer had invented microwave meals, dishes that were eatable in under 5 minutes and required very little preparation time.

Thusly her fate was sealed � a devout microwave meal eater she would become.

From veggie burgers to ramen noodles to strange individual servings of flaky fake potatoes she has seen and just barely been able to swallow it all (except pork and seafood entrees which she just won't do). She's more than happy to share her trials and tribulations with the Internet, always doused with a little bit of "too much personal information" as garnish.

Jess also enjoys televised water polo on mute with her own iPod as soundtrack, animated hand gestures, irony (but not in the Alanis Morrisette way), beverages with little umbrellas and undeserved praise.

Latest Reviews by Jess:

Amy’s Kitchen Cheese Lasagna

February 16, 2007 | Reviewer: Jess

Amy's Kitchen Cheese Lasagna

Price: $3.89
Serving: 1 tray, 10.3 oz.
Calories: 380
Fat: 22%, 14g
Cholesterol: 15%, 45mg
Sodium: 28%, 680mg
Protein: 20g
Carbs: 15%, 44g
Fiber: 16%, 4g

Amy’s Kitchen says: Amy’s vegetable lasagnas are extremely popular. However, we do get requests from customers (especially kids) for a traditional cheese lasagna without vegetables. So we asked our chef, Fred, to create one that would appeal to both children and adults. Amy’s Cheese Lasagna is made with tender organic pasta, a simple tasty marinara sauce and five cheeses carefully chosen for flavor and creaminess.

Jess says: Guess what? Abi bought me a cheese lasagna! I think she felt pretty bad about buying me that Gardenburger Margherita Wrap, which was so bad I had to show it around the office and mock it before I ate it. Also she knows I was bummed to find out that Amy’s Veggie Lasagna is lactose-free… you know for the weak-boweled vegans.

I would like to please Abi and rave about this lasagna, but alas, I cannot. Still, like my 10th grade creative writing teacher said, let’s start with the positives. Amy’s Cheese Lasagna IS cheesy and there is even real ricotta in there (I actually didn’t read the ingredients but it tasted like real ricotta). Also it is tasty. It tastes like lasagna and lasagna is a friend of mine.

Here’s the trouble. This took 9+ minutes in the micry. In fact, I had to keep taking it out and poking the ever cold center and then giving it another 40 seconds on 50%. Then I decided that I hate the half power method, covered it with a plate and did it full blast. Sure, I heard it splatter something terrible, but it needed to be done. Luckily I had been all absorbed in my work all afternoon (kids in the hall videos are on youtube!) and forgot to eat until 2pm so it wasn’t such a big deal. But if this food preparation had happened at 12, I can guarantee that someone would have gotten passive aggressively sighish behind me. There may have even been some collective sarcasm jabs from the ever growing line of hungry coworkers behind me, as they plotted to oust my lasagna the moment I got bored with watching it spin!

Back to the lasagna, the marinara is thin and splatterriffic. I just got a new laptop after sort of dropping and causing some blue screen action to my old one. So the splatter effect was not appreciated. What I would have appreciated was a chunky organic tomato thickness. But really, the main issue with this lasagna is its averageness. There is nothing too much going on here that you can’t get somewhere else, probably cheaper, though not necessarily organic. I want to make a parallel here to prostitutes versus girlfriends, but that is probably offensive.

I had that great Seeds of Change spinach lasagna a week ago. That had class and creativity. It would be great if Amy could just do a version of their veggie lasagna with REAL cheese. Now that I would gladly wait the nine minutes for, co-workers be damned (except Abi, obviously, since she buys me things).

Filed Under Amy's Kitchen Reviews, Three Stars, Vegetarian | 7 Comments

Gardenburger Margherita Pizza Style Veggie Wrap

February 8, 2007 | Reviewer: Jess

Gardenburger Margherita Pizza Wrap

Price: $3.50
Serving: 1 wrap, 4.75 oz.
Calories: 240
Fat: 12%, 8g
Cholesterol: 3%, 10mg
Sodium: 25%, 590mg
Protein: 12g
Carbs: 11%, 34g
Fiber: 20%, 5g

Gardenburger says: Our Italian-style vegetable patty, robust marinara sauce and mozzarella cheese in a whole wheat tortilla. The wrap meets the old world.

Jess says: On the spectrum of life dispositions, I would situate myself somewhere between a cynic and realist. If something shitty happens to you, I’m going to say, “Man, that was shitty”. I’m not going to say, “Everything happens for a reason” and I’m certainly not going to say, “When God closes a door, he opens a window”. I would take you for a beer though, but only if I did not find you intolerable.
Gardenburger Margherita Pizza Wrap
But every now and again, despite my attempts at dodging and weaving the half full glass, I get tricked into optimism. This happened a couple of weeks ago as Abi led me to the work freezer and whipped out Gardenburger’s Margherita Pizza Wrap, purchased just for me! You see, I have been very vocal about my love of the Morningstar Veggie Burger. I eat at least one a week because they are quick and tasty (two key words for me). I am also unashamed of my crush on cheese. And here Gardenburger had combined these forces in to a portable wrap, pizzaed with a little sauce. Abi knew it was right up my alley. I was so excited. I was sure it was going to be grand. You’d think I’d be switching around my Claddagh Ring.

Psyche!

This was nasty! See how the wrap sticks to the plate post-microwaving. I had to get it off by jutting my hand up under there, pulling and sacrificing one of the wrap layers. Also see how the cover’s mouth-watering picture looks NOTHING like the real thing. Inside is merely a sub-standard cheese glob focused solely in the middle center of the wrap. This leaves a lot of bland wrap for you that is hardly worth the effort of bland chewing. No discernible bit of veggie burger to taste. No sauce for sure. Man, this really sucked. And my officemate had delicious sushi and some noodle dish. I was so jealous. I was still hungry and all I was left with was the thin layer of wrap stuck to my plate. Don’t buy this. Furthermore don’t heat this up and eat it. Really.

Filed Under Gardenburger Reviews, One Star, Vegetarian, Zero Stars | 15 Comments

Seeds of Change Creamy Spinach Lasagna

January 23, 2007 | Reviewer: Jess

Changing your diet doesn’t always mean cutting back on fat, calories, or carbs. For some people it means making the switch to being vegetarian or vegan. If you’re making the switch, please check out our Vegetarian Meal Reviews and Vegan Meal Reviews.

Seeds of Change Creamy Spinach Lasagna

Price: $3.50
Serving: 1 tray, 10 oz.
Calories: 340
Fat: 16%, 10g
Sodium: 31%, 750mg
Protein: 20g
Carbs: 13%, 40g
Fiber: 15%, 4g
WW Points: 7 Points

Seeds of Change says: For this heavenly cheesy Italian dish, we begin by rolling out each lasagna noodle from freshly made dough. Next, we layer ricotta and Parmesan cheese with spinach and a medley of carrots, onions, garlic and thyme. Then we top it all off with a layer of mozzarella cheese. Lactose lovers, rejoice.

Jess says: So I live in a group house, like a mental patient or a frat boy, except I don’t think any of us are on the heavy meds (just the normal everyday stuff, like Zoloft and Ritalin) and there are no kegs in our bathrooms (sadly). One of my roommates is leaving, so we have to fill his spot. On Wednesday, Craig’s List vomited up a bunch of eager “easy going” and “clean” prospectives to come and knock on my door.

This one girl who came by was awesome. I didn’t want to live with her. I wanted to be her. She was a grad student in a program on sustainable living or something just back from a long stint in Central America. Obviously we can’t live with her though. We all said that right away she’d be all Green and follow the 3Rs by the book, and then I’d have to feel guilty every time I took a long shower or used a plastic fork or ate animals. Shudder. Who needs all that heavy, global warming talk after a long day at the office? You know?

But man, Seeds of Change meals are like an instant environmental halo. As you can see from my picture, the design on the box is modest. There is a crap load of organic spinach in this thing. Also, they do not skimp on the cheese. It’s the kind of cheesiness that leaves cheesy trails en route to mouth and then even stains the (mental) fork with cheesy residue. This thing is really pretty good, filling, and it’s all organic so you feel so fresh and so clean, free from the pesticides that otherwise alter the genetics of your potential offspring. It’s a little high on the sodium and calorie side, but that is a small price to pay once you read the back of the box. It states: “May contain traces of: Abundance, Random Kindness, A Slightly Expanded World-view”. Hell yeah. You got a deal!

Filed Under 7 WW Points, Five Stars, Four Stars, Seeds of Change Reviews, Vegetarian | 6 Comments

Lean Cuisine Asian-Style Pot Stickers

January 9, 2007 | Reviewer: Jess

Lean Cuisine Asian-Style Pot Stickers

Price: $2.00
Serving: 1 package, 9 oz.
Calories: 280
Fat: 8%, 5g
Sodium: 23%, 540mg
Protein: 9g
Carbs: 17%, 50g
Fiber: 13%, 3g
WW Points: 5 Points

Lean Cuisine says: Tender dumplings filled with a blend of chicken, cabbage, onions and carrots, all in a golden oriental sauce with soy and ginger. Accompanied by long grain rice with broccoli, carrots, red bell peppers and seasonings.

Jess says: There is a trend among many cultural/ethnic foods to wrap food around a thin flat flour derived substance. There is the crepe, mu shu, the pig in a blanket (this is a stretch), spring roll, burrito, enchilada, etc. Do you know why? Because it is freaking awesome to wrap food products in other food products, especially for food portability. I’d like to create a website dedicated to crazy things wrapped in thin pancakes, like fiats and, uh, small children and perhaps rabbits. But as I write this I know this will never happen. This won’t seem like such a funny concept tomorrow.

Potstickers are a cool wrapped in a flat pancake thing. They are light and airy, but pack a punch of taste. I don’t find them to be especially filling. Also, I think the ground up contents leave a lot of room for sneaking in of questionable ingredients, but otherwise I’m down. LC’s potsticker look and taste like potstickers. The sauce is good, but portioned off to one side. The rice is dry. This meal is the opposite of filling. You probably burn the same amount of calories chewing it that you gain by consuming it. You will look at the empty plate and feel empty inside. Only a website of things wrapped in pancakes will make you feel fulfilled. You can buy this meal, I give you permission, but bring a hearty back up snack.

Filed Under 5 WW Points, Chicken, Lean Cuisine Reviews, Three Stars | 18 Comments