Jess

Jess's dedication to the culinary arts began at a young age when she spear-headed the raw food movement at 5 years of age, stubbornly refusing to eat anything other than uncooked zucchini, much to her parents concern. Later, when this became boring, she realized that raw foods lack the variety in food consistency that a growing girl needs in order to appreciate diversity and promptly gave up on the whole thing.

At 17, after years of eating her mother's flavorful entrees, always cooked with either love or bitterness at being under-appreciated, she left home. Once Jess started living on her own, she quickly realized a few important things:

She didn't know how to cook nor could she correctly identify most cooking tools
Were she interested in learning to cook, this would take both considerable time and energy of which he had neither
Even once she learned how to cook, cooking itself took time and energy and money. Forget that!
God/Mrs. Stouffer had invented microwave meals, dishes that were eatable in under 5 minutes and required very little preparation time.

Thusly her fate was sealed � a devout microwave meal eater she would become.

From veggie burgers to ramen noodles to strange individual servings of flaky fake potatoes she has seen and just barely been able to swallow it all (except pork and seafood entrees which she just won't do). She's more than happy to share her trials and tribulations with the Internet, always doused with a little bit of "too much personal information" as garnish.

Jess also enjoys televised water polo on mute with her own iPod as soundtrack, animated hand gestures, irony (but not in the Alanis Morrisette way), beverages with little umbrellas and undeserved praise.

Latest Reviews by Jess:

Amy’s Kitchen Single Serve Pesto Pizza

May 24, 2007 | Reviewer: Jess

Amy's Kitchen Pesto Pizza - Single Serving SRP: $4.49
Serving: 1 pizza, 7 oz.
Calories: 440
Fat: 29%, 19g
Cholesterol: 5%, 15mg
Sodium: 33%, 780mg
Protein: 12g
Carbohydrates: 13%, 39g
Fiber: 8%, 2g

Amy’s Kitchen says: Light tender crust topped with Amy’s homemade pesto, part skim mozzarella cheese, garden fresh organic tomato slices and broccoli florets.

Jess says: I really did not want to burn this pizza. I had burned the last free pizza and then I wrote about why I burned it and this caused all this debate about whether I should include unnecessary personal details in my reviews like I am currently doing. Abi also looked me square in the eye and told me not to burn it. Square in the eye is body language for an exclamation point.

Upon deplasticking the pizza, I had to release an audible ‘awww’. It looks kind of runty. I was hungry and the size of this pizza did look likely to satiate. At 440 calories I would prefer fullness. Had I paid the $4 plus dollars, I would have demanded freedom from hunger for at least three hours. But it was free to me and therefore it seemed too bold to demand anything more.

I cooked this in the office toaster oven for 6 minutes at 425 degrees, checking on it like a new mother every two minutes or so. Six minutes made the outside look gorgeous, browned the cheese, and perfumed the air with basil and garlic. However, as I went to cut it into 4 square pieces like Mama used to I realized the inside was still cold. A minute in the micry got the cheese bubbling nice enough to burn my mouth. I was quite pleased with the resulting combination of soft and crispy and would recommend this formula with an added pause for roof of mouth safety.

Out of the micry, the beauty of Amy’s Single Serve Pesto Pizza made the 7 ounce size less important. There is an ample supply of tomatoes and broccoli, all on top of a well made, comfy looking bed of pesto and cheese. The actual taste pretty closely matches the perceived taste. The pesto is robust and brings flavor to each bite. This was really pretty good and I would probably eat it again. But do you know what is my wish of wishes? I want this over pasta, maybe whole wheat penne. I’ve had the tortellini bowl. I know what you can do with pesto! Pizza is really a default meal and $4 plus is a lot to spend on pizza. Amy, give me broccoli and tomatoes over pasta in a creamy pesto sauce with a heavy hand of parmigiano and I’ll give you a 5! Girl Scout’s honor!

I had to get the nutritional information from an Amy’s press release because I lost the box. Or maybe Jess never gave me the box. Anyways, if you’re eating one of these pizzas right now and the nutritional information is different, please let me know. - Abi

Filed Under Amy's Kitchen Reviews, Four Stars, Frozen Pizza Reviews, Vegetarian | 6 Comments

Stouffer’s Corner Bistro Margherita Flatbread

April 23, 2007 | Reviewer: Jess

Stouffer's Corner Bistro Margherita Flatbread

SRP: $3.99
Serving: 1 flatbread, 9.25 oz.
Calories: 550
Fat: 35%, 23g
Cholesterol: 13%, 40mg
Sodium: 36%, 860mg
Protein: 22g
Carbohydrates: 22%, 66g
Fiber: 15%, 4g

Stouffer’s says: Diced garden tomatoes, basil, garlic and red onions in a tomato olive oil sauce, topped with mozzarella cheese.

Jess says: IF my memory serves me correctly (and it probably does), Abi had offered me this (Lots Of Capital Letters) Lean Cuisine Corner Bistro Flatbread Margherita pizza because I like tomatoes and she does not. The tomato is a vegestite and I respect alternative lifestyles. Also they are sassily acidic, juicy and tasty. Plus, like a good American, I <3 pizza.

As I was warming up the toaster oven, Nicole got all up in my face. She had made her flatbread in the microwave to much success and did not understand my inclination to toast. But I like firm bread. The microwave soggy gummy bread does not please my bicuspids. They like a challenge! I took a risk and set the toaster oven to 350 only to, like rotisserie chicken in a Ronco appliance, forget it.

In the meantime, Josh came into my office whining because it was 2:00 pm and he was hungry but busy and it was raining and how was he to get food?!, tear, sob, tear, sad face. In a random cosmic moment of kindness, I offered to order him Pizza Hut delivery so he could focus more fully on whining. Pizza Hut has recently been on my mind due to 3 different email chains I have been on regarding Book It! which balances the virtues of literacy and obesity. I personally love a good Personal Pan and I’m all about reading to eat.

As I daydreamed on hold with Pizza Hut, I started to salivate over mental images of buttery crust and regretted the fact that I had birthed the Margherita from its plastic-sealed shell. But as a pragmatist, I know you should lie in the plastic tray bed that you make, so I carried on. Many minutes later it became obvious that by “on hold” Pizza Hut meant “in oblivion”. Hungry Josh was not happy and eventually commissioned another hungry coworker to fetch some Chipotle. In the meantime my Flatbread Margherita had crisped enough to aquire a coal black border. Are you freaking happy now bicuspids?! And then there was Nicole’s told-you-so smile greeting me in the kitchen. Double ouch.

You know what? It was still good! The insides were just right on the crispy scale. There was a sizable square pizza surface area and a pleasing ratio of cheese to tomato. I am left to only imagine what this pizza could have been! My guess = pretty good. If this pizza should intrigue you as well I suggest that you avoid the toaster oven. If you are stubborn like me and are a stickler for crisp, watch it closely after 9 minutes. Seriously, just hang out in the kitchen. Hydrate by the water cooler. Make the quiet guy feel awkward. Create your own magnetic poetry. The possibilities are really endless. But Nicole says its okay in the microwave too. And so, feel free to trust her, at your own soggy risk, of course. Maybe a little half microwave and half toastalious? I’ll try and let you know.

You have a lot of Heatable, Eatable pizza options out there, Internet. Try them all! No reason to commit just yet! Based on my experience, I do recommend throwing this one in the ring.

The folks at Stouffer’s sent this meal to HeatEatReview.com. Yes, we got it for free. I’m sure they would have appreciated a better picture than one of burnt flatbread, but we’re all for truth in reporting.

Filed Under Four Stars, Frozen Pizza Reviews, Stouffer's Frozen Meal Reviews, Three Stars, Vegetarian | 18 Comments

Michael Angelo’s Vegetable Lasagna

April 10, 2007 | Reviewer: Jess

Michael Angelo's Vegetable Lasagna

SRP: $3.89
Serving: 1 cup, 8 oz.
Servings per Container: 1.5
Calories: 230
Fat: 11%, 7g
Cholesterol: 5%, 15mg
Sodium: 30%, 720mg
Protein: 20g
Carbs: 8%, 23g
Fiber: 12%, 3g

Michael Angelo says: Sara created this delicious recipe for her brother - the only vegetarian in the family! Our blend of 7 crisp vegetables is enhanced by our flavorful marinara sauce made from vine-ripened tomatoes, fresh garlic, honey and imported Italian olive oil. We then add low-fat ricotta, mozzarella and Pecorino Romano between layers of our firm lasagna pasta.

Jess says: Today I am going to take the opportunity to tell the people in my life, who I'm usually just snarky to, that I really care about them, but only if it's true. Do you know how lasagna ties in to love and caring? In so ways, my dear internet, in so many ways.

First of all, this veggie lasagna was sent to Abi for free! You know, like a gift. And free gifts and/or material possessions, just like an Aston Kutcher movie, are a lot like love.

Second of all, Abi then regifted this lasagna to me. She knows I have been dreaming of veggie lasagna since I realized that Amy's Kitchen was never going to combine the forces of their nearly-Vegan tofu vegetable lasagna and cheese lasagna (for shame Amy's Kitchen). But Michael Angelo has beat you to this race for delicious! The fact that Abi would allow me to partake in her bounty is a gesture of friendship and kindness. I'm really glad that Abi is my friend. Otherwise I wouldn't get to pass my lunch hours using my mental thesaurus for all the many ways of saying "delicious" and "nasty" as related to microwave food. Also, she's just awesome.

Lastly, this veggie lasagna taught me a very important lesson. Beauty is only pasta layer deep. Before eating the meal I had Abi take a "before" picture to show how the veggies were used as more of a last minute garnish to the lasagna than a real ingredient. They were seemingly thrown on top at as an afterthought.

You see, I had judged this meal before tasting it. But upon digging in I realized that this meal was more delicious than Valentine’s Day chocolates from a secret admirer (not really). Good sauce, nice and cheesy, an ample smattering of vegetables, and an overall hearty portion. I'd eat this again in two shakes. Oh, AND Michael Angelo doesn't bother with all that half power nonsense, which is an all-around crowd pleaser (just watch it close, no one like the tomato crusting, you know?)

Tonight I'm going to go out, get drunk and take this lesson to heart. I'm only going to flirt with guys that have their hearts on their lapel, not locked away behind layers of "sauce" and "cheese". Thanks Michael Angelo

This meal was provided to HeatEatReview.com by Michael Angelo’s. You can see all of our reviews of their products by checking out the Michael Angelo’s Review Archive. If you’re interested in seeing your company’s meals on HeatEatReview.com, check out our review policy.

Filed Under Four Stars, Michael Angelo's Reviews, Vegetarian | 18 Comments

Lean Cuisine Glazed Turkey Tenderloins

March 12, 2007 | Reviewer: Jess

Lean Cuisine Glazed Turkey Tenderloins

Price: $2.00
Serving: 1 meal, 9 oz.
Calories: 260
Fat: 8%, 5g
Cholesterol: 7%, 25mg
Sodium: 28%, 670mg
Protein: 13g
Carbohydrates: 13%, 41g
Fiber: 17%, 4g
Weight Watchers Points: 5 Points

as a whole
for the sweet potatoes

Lean Cuisine says: A sophisticated blend of roasted turkey medallions glazed with a rich brown sauce accented with dried cranberries. Served over a savory bread dressing and accompanied by creamy, whipped sweet potatoes.

Jess says: So the other day I was at Capitol Lounge with a few friends discussing the merits of sweet potatoes. If you don’t live in DC, then you probably don’t know that Cap Lounge is just down the street from the Capitol and is where all the politinis go to undo their bowties and ~~divulge confidential information in exchange for affection~~ decompress. I, on the other hand, go there for the Fuji Apple and Fontina sandwich with a side of sweet potato fries. If you’re appalled that such a combination exists you’re probably not alone. But, I’m not kidding you, this combination is winning! But my skeptical friend was not about the sweet potato fries (nor my “dirty hippie sandwich”). He was all like “ew. Weird”. To be frank, my friend is a dipshit. Sweet potatoes are awesome and under-utilized. In fact they are like William Hurt in that you don’t know if it’ll work, but then suddenly you realize it was obvious and you should have seen that he’d be perfect for that role all along.

These anecdotes are a long way of saying that this meal is all about the sweet potatoes, thus it is awesome. If you, like my friend, are a dipshit and don’t like sweet potatoes then steer clear. The stuffing is interesting and the cranberries are a nice touch, but there is not much of either to go around. The turkey is edible but gamey. This means you’ll chew it for a while and then swallow because you’re bored with chewing, not so much because chewing has done much good. But there is a whopping portion of creamy delicious sweet potatoes which makes everything okay. As a whole, this meal is a little personal thanksgiving feast, which is a nice addition to an average work day generally lacking in both thanking and giving. I’m definitely going to buy this again!

Filed Under 5 WW Points, Four Stars, Lean Cuisine Reviews, Turkey | 11 Comments