Jess

Jess's dedication to the culinary arts began at a young age when she spear-headed the raw food movement at 5 years of age, stubbornly refusing to eat anything other than uncooked zucchini, much to her parents concern. Later, when this became boring, she realized that raw foods lack the variety in food consistency that a growing girl needs in order to appreciate diversity and promptly gave up on the whole thing.

At 17, after years of eating her mother's flavorful entrees, always cooked with either love or bitterness at being under-appreciated, she left home. Once Jess started living on her own, she quickly realized a few important things:

She didn't know how to cook nor could she correctly identify most cooking tools
Were she interested in learning to cook, this would take both considerable time and energy of which he had neither
Even once she learned how to cook, cooking itself took time and energy and money. Forget that!
God/Mrs. Stouffer had invented microwave meals, dishes that were eatable in under 5 minutes and required very little preparation time.

Thusly her fate was sealed � a devout microwave meal eater she would become.

From veggie burgers to ramen noodles to strange individual servings of flaky fake potatoes she has seen and just barely been able to swallow it all (except pork and seafood entrees which she just won't do). She's more than happy to share her trials and tribulations with the Internet, always doused with a little bit of "too much personal information" as garnish.

Jess also enjoys televised water polo on mute with her own iPod as soundtrack, animated hand gestures, irony (but not in the Alanis Morrisette way), beverages with little umbrellas and undeserved praise.

Latest Reviews by Jess:

Marie Callender Cheesy Chicken Breast & Rice

August 24, 2007 | Reviewer: Jess

Marie Callender Cheesy Chicken Breast & Rice Price: $2.50
Serving: 1 meal, 14 oz.
Calories: 440
Fat: 23%, 15g
Cholesterol: 20%, 60mg
Sodium: 55%, 1330mg
Protein: 31g
Carbs: 15%, 44g
Fiber: 28%, 7g

Marie Callender says: I simmered white meat chicken in a creamy cheese sauce, then added broccoli florets and a blend of white and wild rice.

Jess says: I did it and I did it for you, Internet. I bought a Marie Calendar meal, even if it did mean possibly taking years from my life (but certainly only adding to the life in my years). Oh Marie, you look so classy and done up on your cardboard box portrait. You could be on a 1950s vacuum cleaner advertisement, in your pristine apron with that look of self-satisfied whimsy. And, yet, I just found myself presented with a Velveeta Volcano from inside that green box. With this meal, you’re less June Cleaver and more Paula Deen.

Fat, sodium, and other health considerations aside, I paraded this cheesy lava through the halls of our office and saw the envy in my co-workers’ eyes. I work with good people who know innately what a little (too much) lactose can add to a Friday. And following too many beers at Thursday’s happy hour? Oh, it’s just the ticket. If the box says that there are chicken, rice, and broccoli resting under the sunshine yellow spread, I’ll believe it. But it could have been anything. All I tasted was cheese and later, due to dehydrated feeling I carried around with me, probably salt. Actually, though I did not taste the rice, I liked its texture. The small grains allow for greater cheese coating between rice clumps. Like rice cheese balls! (A new appetizer for entertaining? Indeed!) But of course, cheeselovers, this cheese isn’t Vermont Sharp Cheddar and is far from a Smoked Gouda. This will be more reminiscent (with similar rib sticking) of the Velveeta shells and cheese of your youth. This cheese is so processed that it’s probably a new life form. In fact, this cheese strongly resists holding heat. I had to reheat this meal 3 times in the course of consuming it due to the cheese’s odd property of rapid heat loss. A contributing factor is that the serving is rather large. It’s an undertaking, not merely a lunch. Lordy, lord. I’m so freaking full right now. And thirsty! I need a camel pack so the guy across the hall from the water cooler will stop judging me.

Buy one of these suckers and leave it stored in your freezer. There will be a cold, hungry, hungover day in your life at some point and this will be exactly what you need. Simply treat as a guilty pleasure and use sparingly.

Filed Under Chicken, Four Stars, Marie Callender Reviews | 2 Comments

Hibachi House Chicken with Broccoli

July 31, 2007 | Reviewer: Jess

Hibachi House Chicken with Broccoli

SRP: $5.00
Serving: 1 cup, 5.3oz.
Calories: 250
Fat: 6%, 4g
Cholesterol: 10%, 30mg
Sodium: 23%, 550mg
Protein: 20g
Carbs: 10%, 32g
Fiber: 6%, 1g

Hibachi House says: Tender pieces of chicken breast meat are fire grilled to juicy perfection and paired with broccoli florets, steamed rice and our Hibachi Grill Sauce.

Jess says: I am now well into my second (and final) lunch from the box of Hibachi’s “multiserve” Chicken and Broccoli. As with the (non) Hibachi House Mandarin Orange Chicken, which I have also tried) their recommended 4.5 servings translated to two filling lunches for me. Perhaps I’m just a healthy eater?

After eating this two days in a row, I have to say the meal is good. Broccoli is really a damn fine specimen of a vegetable if you ask me. Both crisp and chewy! A healthy shade of green! Little leaves that snatch on to sauces and rice. Yee-ha! Also these chicken chunks are mighty! In fact they require a knife to eat them any place outside of a Renaissance festival. The need of an extra utensil annoyed me, but I cannot deny that the quality is beyond what you normally find in microwavable entrees. You can see the chicken meat flake and pull apart. Lean Cuisine’s chicken looks condensed and ~~manhandled~~ processed. I did find a good bit of fatty chunks which grossed me out but maybe I’m just a big wimp. I watched some Planet Earth this weekend and did get all squirmy when the fox ate the baby geese. The sauce is really just soy and corn syrup but not to a fault. It is salty, sweet and satisfactory. I only used half of the packet and it was more than sufficient.

But in a Nancy Drew like fashion, I’ve got the sneaking suspicion that something is amiss with this meal. I just can’t get passionate about it. The problem may be that this meal is a complete pain in the ass to prepare at the office. Allow me to detail the steps:

Step 1: Heat water to defrost sauce packet. This isn’t so bad if you’ve got the hot water function on your water cooler. Otherwise this sucks.

Step 2: Throw bag o’ food into microwave. Don’t forget to slit the top. But not too much! Broccoli floret droppings suck to clean up. Heat it for 5 minutes and wait 2 minutes to touch it like the box told you to.

Step 3: “Borrow” a coworker’s bowl to dump the contents in. Try to hide the bowl from coworkers. You don’t want someone to get upset that you have their bowl. But hey, angry coworker, if you love it so much why did you abandon it? The bowl is too small. You stuff the food in there to make do (no use dirtying two bowls). After bowl quest the meal is now cold. Damn it. You dump some sauce on. That is still cold too. Damn it squared.

Step 4: You reheat again for 1 minute. Not enough. 45 seconds more. Yay. It’s hot!

Step 5: Eat. Talk to everyone about how broccoli is so kick ass. Start listing all the things that are made better with broccoli. Their eyes roll. Whatever. They are sooo jealous.

Step 6: Use a binder clip to seal up the rest of the sauce. You may want that later (tomorrow). Try to find something to seal up the bowl. Damn it. Where is the packing tape roll? Why would someone possibly steal it? And will that ruin the bowl? Is it worth it? Oh, look tin foil. I hope your office has tin foil like mine does.

Step 7: You have to eat this again tomorrow too. Man, a panini would be awesome. No, suck it up. Eat the Chicken and Broccoli. It will be gross to wait another day. Who knows how long reheated chicken lasts? Oh sweet relief from hunger, it still tastes good!

Step 8: Conclude that this meal is a good distraction from the norm once in a while, but too salty and calorieriffic to eat often. Perhaps its easier and better to make at home? And where do they sell this stuff anyway?

Filed Under Chicken, Four Stars, Hibachi House Reviews | 5 Comments

Hibachi House Mandarin Orange Chicken

July 2, 2007 | Reviewer: Jess

Hibachi House Mandarin Orange Chicken

Price: Free from Hibachi House
SRP: $5.00
Serving: 1 cup, 5.11 oz.
Servings Per Box: About 4.5
Calories: 250
Fat: 3%, 2g
Sodium: 20%, 460mg
Protein: 15g
Carbs: 15%, 42g
Fiber: 6%, 1g
Sugar: 7g

Hibachi House says: Hibachi House chicken breast meat with sticky rice and mandarin orange sauce

Jess says: The serving size according to this “multi-serve meal” (Hibachi House’s term) is 4.5. If I decided to eat what was in this package for in 4.5 discrete meals, I think I would be eating 6 individual rice grains with a chopstick at around meal three.

Upon consultation with Abi and Kate it was decided that this is actually 2 full servings (as in you will be pretty full). I guess it could be three meals if you’re not a big eater or on a self-hating sort of diet or something. Please do not buy this meal and expect this to feed you, your significant other, your parents and your small child. It is not a good idea.

“But Jess,” you whine, “what about taste?” Ah, yes my eager microwavable food blog reader. That is the question, isn’t it? First of all the chicken is quality. There are large chunks, looking like they were freshly carved from the bird. No reformed chicken surplus parts here, just lots of real meat. And the sauce makes this thing great. I have used this term before but the sauce was highly mesquitey in a down South barbecue molasses sort of way. I liked it a lot. And it came in a pouch allowing me to condimentize as I saw fit! Normally I’m a dipper but the rice was aching for that saucy something and I went to town with my packet.

Oh and here’s a fun fact, nothing about this tasted anything like mandarin oranges. In fact, the distinct lack of any sort of fruit or vegetable was disappointing. Some edamame would have kicked ass. Ohh and a red pepper? Hell yes. Hibachi House actually has a few pretty delicious ideas on how to accessorize your Hibachi on their site, which got me pretty excited about future meals and kitchen experiments. But then I remembered that I’m incredibly lazy and how the whole point of a microwave entrée is that I don’t have to think about what to make or even go to the grocery store. Plus, I can make it at work. I did, however, end up eating my Hibachi with Indian naan which was freaking killer. Why oh why can’t more things (such as wraps) be made with naan?

If you are not lazy and are willing to include veggies in this meal and put the whole thing in a naan wrap, I think you will be very pleased. Unfortunately, in almost all of the food permutations involving this meal, the awesome Hibachi chef is not included.

[This meal was free from Hibachi House. I didn’t tell Jess this until after she reviewed and rated the meal. Interested in featuring your products on HeatEatReview.com? Check out our review policy. - Ed.]

Filed Under Chicken, Four Stars, Hibachi House Reviews | 8 Comments

Kahiki Tropical Sweet and Sour Chicken

June 11, 2007 | Reviewer: Jess

Kahiki Tropical Sweet and Sour Chicken Price: $3.75
Serving: 1 tray, 11 oz.
Calories: 470
Fat: 17%, 11g
Cholesterol: 19%, 25mg
Sodium: 35%, 840mg
Protein: 14g
Carbs: 27%, 81g

Kahiki says: Tempura chicken nuggets, steamed rice, pineapple, papaya,and carrots in a tangy sweet & sour sauce.

Jess says: During my last trip to the Safeway, something unfortunate happened. I found myself unimpressed by the freezer aisle.

Normally, it's the best part of the trip. I can hardly hide my glee as I pace up and down and overanalyze the stock like a psychopath. Which Lean Cuisine has HER not explored and can I beat the other hippies to it? Is today the day I fold to your questionable fried items, Marie Calendar? California Pizza Kitchen Thai Chicken Pizza, stop mocking me! $7? #@$&! Am I made of money? Amy's, please show me something new and deliciously wholesome!

Sure, the other patrons get creeped out as I talk to the shelved microwaveables, but I pay no mind to them. I have bigger fish to reheat.

On my most recent grocery trip, I grew weary thinking of the same old gummy chicken and soggy vegetables and sticky noodles and tasteless sauces of so many lunches past. And then I saw you, Kahiki. A new brand to reach out and rescue me from the freezer fog of sameness!

Novelty aside, this meal was like a trip to a cornstarch sauna. This is breaded chickeny, fruity islandy dessert. The second ingredient to the sauce is sugar. The first is water. For once, I'm not exaggerating. Ketchup is also (oddly) one of the primary ingredients and ketchup also includes corn starch, so I don't know if that counts double. Oh and then there's honey and brown sugar. Sorry Dr. {my dentist name's is protected to preserve his reputation}.

All cavities aside, I really like sweet entreés on occasion and so I rather enjoyed it. The chicken was similar to what I often find at lower end Chinese restaurants. There was the same texture to the breading (sort of crispy and sort of saturated saucy all at once). No gristle, which was appreciated. Pineapple and dried papaya make both an appearance, which is odd (and yes, sugary), but I enjoyed the burst of (sort of fresh) citrus that they brought to it. I would have liked more rice, since sweet cornstarch sauce is only as good as the rice you have to absorb it. Kahiki did separate the rice into its own compartment - a nice touch. It allows you to choose your own rice ratio adventure and that's considerate.

If you've got a sweet tooth and you're tired of Lean Cuisine's Sweet and Sour Chicken, then I'd give this a try. Otherwise I'd say that LC's version is better (and leaner — do NOT check out the calories from fat on this thing!) I must say Kahiki is a damn sexy name for just a food brand. I wish it were a rum drink or a small island's term for the sensation you feel when your thighs first touch cold ocean water on one of the hottest days of the year.

Filed Under Chicken, Kahiki Reviews, Three Stars | 13 Comments