Jess

Jess's dedication to the culinary arts began at a young age when she spear-headed the raw food movement at 5 years of age, stubbornly refusing to eat anything other than uncooked zucchini, much to her parents concern. Later, when this became boring, she realized that raw foods lack the variety in food consistency that a growing girl needs in order to appreciate diversity and promptly gave up on the whole thing.

At 17, after years of eating her mother's flavorful entrees, always cooked with either love or bitterness at being under-appreciated, she left home. Once Jess started living on her own, she quickly realized a few important things:

She didn't know how to cook nor could she correctly identify most cooking tools
Were she interested in learning to cook, this would take both considerable time and energy of which he had neither
Even once she learned how to cook, cooking itself took time and energy and money. Forget that!
God/Mrs. Stouffer had invented microwave meals, dishes that were eatable in under 5 minutes and required very little preparation time.

Thusly her fate was sealed � a devout microwave meal eater she would become.

From veggie burgers to ramen noodles to strange individual servings of flaky fake potatoes she has seen and just barely been able to swallow it all (except pork and seafood entrees which she just won't do). She's more than happy to share her trials and tribulations with the Internet, always doused with a little bit of "too much personal information" as garnish.

Jess also enjoys televised water polo on mute with her own iPod as soundtrack, animated hand gestures, irony (but not in the Alanis Morrisette way), beverages with little umbrellas and undeserved praise.

Latest Reviews by Jess:

Lean Cuisine Chicken Tuscan Panini

January 10, 2008 | Reviewer: Jess

Lean Cuisine Chicken Tuscan Panini Price: Provided by PR Company
Serving: 1 panini, 6oz.
Calories: 340
Fat: 12%, 8g
Cholesterol: 12%, 35mg
Sodium: 25%, 590mg
Protein: 21g
Carbs: 15%, 45g
Fiber: 16%, 4g
Sugar: 4g
Weight Watchers Points: 7 points

Lean Cuisine says: Tender white meat chicken, peppers, olives, tomatoes and margherita-style sauce on Italian herb bread

Jess says: During the holiday season, I hear a lot of people talking about losing and/or keeping off weight. They say this a lot, as if the power of the declaration will make all the temptation of green and red sprinkled donuts, ginger bread lattes and holiday food stuffs from business consultants disappear.

It wouldn’t surprise me if this time of year was a boom season for Lean Cuisine and may explain why my Giant is being so grinchy about their sales on my LC favorites. If you are willing to pay full price for a Lean Cuisine, I’d again encourage you to stay away from their Paninis. All of these sandwiches that I’ve tried (this would be the second, the first was the Chicken, Spinach and Mushroom variety) are best called stale-toast-inis and offer very little in either substance or taste. The bread uses the technology of microwave toasting sheets to come out hard, crusty and unappetizing. The fillings, which are entirely average tasting, are meager. The resulting itty-bitty square of food disappears quickly and leads to a cheated, empty, still-hungry feeling after lunch that puts a damper on the rest of the day.

Remember that the key to losing weight is smart eating and sweating in the sauna that is over-crowded malls. Starvation, on the other hand, often leads to binging on the free foodstuffs in the office kitchen at 3:19 pm and a strange sense of shame upon being caught having eaten it all by your repulsed coworker. Mmm, assorted chocolates.

Filed Under 7 WW Points, Chicken, Lean Cuisine Reviews, One Star | 26 Comments

Simply Enjoy Sesame Ginger Chicken

October 8, 2007 | Reviewer: Jess

Simply Enjoy Sesame Ginger Chicken Price: $2.00 on sale
Serving: 1 package, 10.58oz.
Calories: 360 per serving
Fat: 12%, 8g
Cholesterol: 7%, 20mg
Sodium: 28%, 670mg
Protein: 18g
Carbohydrates: 19%, 56g
Fiber: 8%, 2g
Sugar: 11g
Weight Watchers Points: 7 Per Serving

Simply Enjoy says: A delicious medley of vegetables - red peppers, sugar snap peas, and carrots, mixed with white chicken tenderloins seasoned in a honey ginger sesame sauce. Our Sesame Ginger Chicken is served over crisp and delicious Chow Mein noodles for a sweet and savory flavor. This is a meal bound to be a favorite with every member of your family.

Jess says: I’ve been pretty skeptical of the Simply Enjoy brand. For one, they are always dirt cheap. Well, not as dirt cheap as a Lean Cuisine on sale, but these things usually hover at about $2.50 a pop. Now I’m no economist but I think the rules of supply and demand state that no one else is eating these. Or maybe they are just trying to build hype? For two, the box is very unassuming. They make almost no bold, sales statements long the lines of “this meal will cleanse your soul” or “eating one of these meals a day will protect you from regret”. Staying true to their motto, they just seem to want you to Simply Enjoy. That’s weird. I’m just not getting their simplistic motivation.

Upon heating this particular sucker up, I noticed that the noodles were a frightening radioactive shade of yellow. Abi tried to assure me that I was just crazy and that the noodles were a standard microwavable hue but I was not convinced. You can be your own judge but I think that there is definitely some excessive amounts of yellow-40 up in that piece. But the sauce is so gingery delicious that once I got busy eating, I couldn’t care less about any of the dye toxins I may have been consuming. I’ve seen microwave meals try to flavor things with ginger and normally it just tastes slightly, unidentifiably spicy but in this meal the ginger flavor really does come through. Also there were plenty of water chestnuts and they were fun. So crunchy, but also chewy! So texturally interesting! And the water chestnuts pair nicely with the ginger sauce and day-glo noodles. The chicken was fine. I really can’t remember much about it because it didn’t add or take away much. I can safely say that its coloring was not alarming.

I was quite happy with this and will come back to it again. At this price, this may end up being one of my rotating staple items, until, of course, my skin looks jaundiced and the poison-induced facial ticks start. That’s when I guess I’ll have to move on to something new.

Filed Under 7 WW Points, Chicken, Four Stars, Simply Enjoy Reviews | 10 Comments

Amy’s Shepherds Pie

September 7, 2007 | Reviewer: Jess

Amys Shepherds Pie Price: $2.50
Serving: 1 Pot Pie, 8oz.
Calories: 160
Fat: 6%, 4g
Cholesterol: 0%, 0mg
Sodium: 20%, 490mg
Protein: 17g
Carbs: 9%, 27g
Fiber: 20%, 5g
Weight Watchers Points: 3 Points

Amy’s Kitchen says: We’ve created a meatless, dairy free and lower fat version of this traditional meal. Organically grown vegetables are simmered in a nourishing broth and blanketed with fluffy mashed potatoes.

Jess says: The name Shepherd’s Pie invokes, for me, cannibalism. This is very likely due to my too early exposure to Sweeney Todd as a youth. Really, what was my elementary school teacher thinking?! Now I’m always left to wonder if the spirit of some innocent tradesman is lying restless in my meat pies. But thankfully, the Amy’s brand caters to the more easily scarred, or morally/psychologically meataphobic among us. Amy’s shepherd’s pie box assures me that there is nothing that once had a heartbeat lying under that lovely thick layer of mashed potatoes (vegetable carnage/violence is a-ok with me and Amy). And lovely you are potatoes as you provide gentle starchy exfoliation to my tongue while still going down so smoothly! And how easily the potatoes absorb the gravy resting below for an extra oomph of salty savoriness (Amy calls the gravy “broth” but that is misleading and does not describe its heartiness).

Like an experienced ice-fisherman, I poke a whole through my potato layer to find a school of vegetables in that gravy sea. Carrots, and yes more potatoes, abound. Garbanzo beans too, chock-full. Who knows what a chock may be? But chock-full of veggies you are, Shepherd Pie. Delicious. Different. Nothing of the Hannibal about you! And maybe even good for me?

Despite the meager appearance of the Shepherd’s Pie it does an adequate job of holding off hunger. I think the potatoes might expand somewhere along the road to digestion. But holding off hunger should not be confused with filling. You’ll be hungry again soon enough:. I’d say 2 to 3 hours after consumption. I wish that there were someway to slightly brown the top of the potatoes which I think would add much to the eating experience so everything you’re eating is not just mushy and babyfood-esque in texture. There is this thing, an oven they call it, which might do the trick. I’m hoping to give this a try next time when heating up this item at home. I think that would boost this pie up to a 5. After all, fullness is always going to be temporary. Taste is paramount.

Filed Under 3 WW Points, Amy's Kitchen Reviews, Dairy Free, Four Stars, Lactose Free, Vegan, Vegetarian | 8 Comments

Marie Callender Cheesy Chicken Breast & Rice

August 24, 2007 | Reviewer: Jess

Marie Callender Cheesy Chicken Breast & Rice Price: $2.50
Serving: 1 meal, 14 oz.
Calories: 440
Fat: 23%, 15g
Cholesterol: 20%, 60mg
Sodium: 55%, 1330mg
Protein: 31g
Carbs: 15%, 44g
Fiber: 28%, 7g

Marie Callender says: I simmered white meat chicken in a creamy cheese sauce, then added broccoli florets and a blend of white and wild rice.

Jess says: I did it and I did it for you, Internet. I bought a Marie Calendar meal, even if it did mean possibly taking years from my life (but certainly only adding to the life in my years). Oh Marie, you look so classy and done up on your cardboard box portrait. You could be on a 1950s vacuum cleaner advertisement, in your pristine apron with that look of self-satisfied whimsy. And, yet, I just found myself presented with a Velveeta Volcano from inside that green box. With this meal, you’re less June Cleaver and more Paula Deen.

Fat, sodium, and other health considerations aside, I paraded this cheesy lava through the halls of our office and saw the envy in my co-workers’ eyes. I work with good people who know innately what a little (too much) lactose can add to a Friday. And following too many beers at Thursday’s happy hour? Oh, it’s just the ticket. If the box says that there are chicken, rice, and broccoli resting under the sunshine yellow spread, I’ll believe it. But it could have been anything. All I tasted was cheese and later, due to dehydrated feeling I carried around with me, probably salt. Actually, though I did not taste the rice, I liked its texture. The small grains allow for greater cheese coating between rice clumps. Like rice cheese balls! (A new appetizer for entertaining? Indeed!) But of course, cheeselovers, this cheese isn’t Vermont Sharp Cheddar and is far from a Smoked Gouda. This will be more reminiscent (with similar rib sticking) of the Velveeta shells and cheese of your youth. This cheese is so processed that it’s probably a new life form. In fact, this cheese strongly resists holding heat. I had to reheat this meal 3 times in the course of consuming it due to the cheese’s odd property of rapid heat loss. A contributing factor is that the serving is rather large. It’s an undertaking, not merely a lunch. Lordy, lord. I’m so freaking full right now. And thirsty! I need a camel pack so the guy across the hall from the water cooler will stop judging me.

Buy one of these suckers and leave it stored in your freezer. There will be a cold, hungry, hungover day in your life at some point and this will be exactly what you need. Simply treat as a guilty pleasure and use sparingly.

Filed Under Chicken, Four Stars, Marie Callender Reviews | 2 Comments