Abi Jones, Editrix

Hi, my name is Abi Jones and I created HeatEatReview.com to showcase the best and worst in microwavable meals. I’ve been called the “Robert Parker of Hot Pockets” and HeatEatReview.com has been featured in Real Simple magazine and on FoodCandy.com.

I wasn’t born an expert frozen meal critic. First, I earned a rather handy degree in Art History from Seattle University. While in Seattle, I led gallery programs at the Frye Art Museum and drank a lot of coffee.

My original aim of becoming ridiculously rich and famous upon graduation was supplanted by the Jesuit call to social justice. In the Spring of 2002 I joined Teach For America, for a two-year hands-on experience in improving education in a single classroom in one of America’s most impoverished communities. It was an empowering and humbling time in my life. If you’re thinking about applying for or giving money to Teach For America, I’d be more than happy to have a conversation with you about my time in Texas. Summary: I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

Now I’m an Information Architect and User Experience Designer in Palo Alto, California. I love being a professional designer and I express that love in websites, administrative systems, process workflows, and eCommerce paths. Who else gets to have their ideas turned into products, and then refine those products to help other people achieve their dreams? Not too many people.

If you’d like to contact me for an interview, feature HeatEatEatReview.com on your food show, or ask me to be a guest on your History channel retrospective on frozen food, just use the contact form or send an email to abi-at-heateatreviewdotcom. If you’d like to see your product featured on HeatEatReview.com, please check out the review policy.

Latest Reviews by Abi:

Trader Joe’s Lemon Tartes

May 12, 2008 | Reviewer: Abi

Trader Joe’s Lemon Tartes Price: $3.99
Serving: 1 tart, 3.3oz.
Calories: 300
Fat: 20%, 13g
Cholesterol: 38%, 115mg
Sodium: 3%, 70mg
Protein: 4g
Carbs: 13%, 40g
Fiber: 2%, <1g
Sugar: 30g
Weight Watchers Points: 7 Points each

Trader Joe says: Refreshingly tart lemon filling in a flaky buttery crust. Simply defrost and serve Trader Joe’s Lemon Tartes, or decorate with berries and whipped cream. These tartes are the ideal pastry to serve at the end of any meal, whether rustic or elegant. If you love the idea of afternoon “high tea,” these treats would be the perfect sweet for that occasion, as well.

Abi says: In the last several months Trader Joe’s has added several fantastic items to the frozen dessert section, including the chocolate croissants and the gluten-free peanut butter cookies. The duds have thus far been limited to the no-prep brownies.

Unfortunately, these Lemon Tartes are joining the Pre-Made Brownies in the hall of Trader Joe’s bad dessert infamy. I look forward to dessert, so I defrosted these tartes in the refrigerator for 6 hours (the package recommends at least 4 hours of defrosting) and shortly after dinner plated them with no accoutrements. Yes, the photo on the box shows a dollop of whipped cream, but a bit of sweet dairy wasn’t going to counteract the ‘meh’ of these desserts.

These lemon tartes feature tart lemon filing, bursting with bright yellow flavor, but each bite is also accompanied by bland, dense pastry. After a few forkfuls of POW-ZAP followed by ‘ugh’ of pastry. I tried to eat a bit of the lemon filling on its own. At that point I realized that lemon filling by itself is not a delicious dessert, but a component within a delicious dessert. Lemon filling by itself is sort of like torture by citric acid, and this is an opinion coming from a girl who enjoys sour Skittles.

After this experience I’m not sure I’ll be trying any of Trader Joe’s pre-made no-bake pastries. The chocolate croissants and chocolate chip cookies are just way, way too good to go fooling around with these tarts.

Abi: These would be better if they were made of chocolate.
George: Everything would be better if it were made of chocolate.

Filed Under 7 WW Points, Trader Joe's Reviews, Two Stars | Leave a Comment

Green Giant Healthy Vision Vegetables

May 7, 2008 | Reviewer: Abi

Green Giant Healthy Vision Vegetables Price: $2.00 on sale
Serving: 1/2 cup, 3.5oz.
Servings per Package: 2
Calories: 45
Fat: 3%, 2g
Cholesterol: 2%, 5mg
Sodium: 9%, 220mg
Protein: 1g
Carbohydrates: 2%, 2g
Fiber: 8%, 2g
Sugar: 3g
Weight Watchers Points: 1 Point

Green Giant says: Sliced carrots, zucchini quarters and sliced green beans lightly tossed with rosemary butter sauce

Abi says: I’m in Las Vegas right now for the Food Marketing Institute’s annual convention. So far I have attended seminars on food trends and sampled a lot of truly odd items, including an energy drink that contains collagen.

During one session about the latest and greatest items in the processed food world, the speaker highlighted functional foods (also known as Nutraceuticals, which I often confuse with [don’t click on this link ->] Neuticles). She showed images of this item, the Green Giant Healthy Weight Vegetables and the Green Giant Immunity Boost. The last of which I haven’t purchased because peppers will inevitably turn mushy and I don’t feel like heating up a steam bag full of disappointment.

Basically, she talked about how companies are simply combining things that are already good for you and making catchy names. It is slightly different than products like Vitamin Water, which isolate supposedly healthy items and mix them with coloring and sugar.

In this case, Green Giant provides the consumer with thickly sliced carrot coins, still-crisp green beans and mushy, off-putting zucchini, all drenched in a buttery rosemary sauce. A rosemary sauce that features the equivalent of a single leaf of rosemary.

Once again, this is not really enough vegetables for two people, especially when you realize that the zucchini, which makes up a significant portion of the meal, is pretty unfantastic. I’d approximate entire package as having the volume of approximately 1.75 keyboard mice. Mouses. Computer-based pointing devices. The mouse was invented just a few miles from where I live. I am slightly obsessed with it, though I use them rarely.

I am not obsessed with the butter-like sauce, which features a distinctly unnatural viscosity. It turns out that enzyme modified butter is butter that’s been melted, had water added to it and then been treated with an enzyme to release the chemical chains that are holding back the intense butter flavor we all love. The enzyme they use? Streptococcus lactis.

I took a crash course in flavor chemistry because it tastes fake and takes away from the vegetables rather than adding to them. While I enjoy a bit of seasoning, I don’t need my greens greased.

Also, I still have to wear glasses. Way to go, Green Giant.

Filed Under 1 WW Point, Green Giant Reviews, Three Stars, Vegetarian | 3 Comments

Stouffer’s Three Meat Sicilian Flatbread

May 5, 2008 | Reviewer: Abi

Stouffer’s Three Meat Sicilian Flatbread Price: $2.00 on sale
Serving: 1 package, 6 5/8oz.
Calories: 520
Fat: 35%, 23g
Cholesterol: 15%, 45mg
Sodium: 46%, 1110mg
Protein: 21g
Carbohydrates: 19%, 58g
Fiber: 12%, 3g
Sugar: 5g
Weight Watchers Points: 12 Points

Stouffer’s says: Italian sausage, genoa salami and bacon in a spicy arrabbiata sauce, topped with a blend of mozzarella, parmesan, asiago and romano cheeses.

Abi says: You might notice that there are some distinct differences between my Stouffer’s Flatbread and the one shown in the photo on the box. For instance, mine seems to be missing a significant amount of cheese. Also, the meat appears minimally and in a highly chunky, unintegrated form. It is as though the Genoa salami first destroyed the baco culture, then decided that segregation was a reasonable way of life in frozen pizza land. You can see that they’ve colonized the southern end of the flatbread, making way for a salami-centric way of life.

Or perhaps they are following in Columbus’s footsteps and exploring the next frontier for pizza-topping-kind. He was from Genoa.

I didn’t realize until consuming this flatbread that I do not enjoy chunks of salami. Each piece intruded on the pizza-eating experience like the nubs of fatty, well-cooked pencil erasers, a textural sensation I can do without.

The saving grace of this meal is the well-herbed flatbread. It bursts with flavor and makes me with that it came unadorned with perhaps little packets of balsamic vineager and olive oil for dipping. Though, I can just imagine the trouble involved in defrosting condiments. Okay, maybe Stouffer’s should just sell the flatbread on its own as a pizza crust or dinner starting point.

With more care given to the toppings (and maybe more toppings, because where they heck are those 12 Weight Watchers Points coming from, anyways?) this pizza could be a decent appetizer. With improvements I would bake it in the microwave (adequate) or oven (better) and cut each one into small rectangles, perfect for serving to friends during the Stanley Cup Finals. With improvements.

Filed Under Beef, Pork, Stouffer's Frozen Meal Reviews, Three Stars | 3 Comments

Video Review: Lunchables Mini Tacos

April 28, 2008 | Reviewer: Abi

Lunchables Mini Tacos Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Serving: 1 box: 5.7oz. of food + 6.75 fl. oz.
Calories: 440
Fat: 15%, 10g
Cholesterol: 8%, 25mg
Sodium: 40%, 960mg
Protein: 20g
Carbohydrates: 24%, 71g
Fiber: 4%, 1g
Weight Watchers Points: 9 Points

Lunchables says: Lunchables Mini Tacos includes three soft flour tortillas and seasoned ground beef in taco sauce, Capri Sun 100% Fruit Juice and Wonka Nerds artificially flavored cherry candies.

Abi says: $2.50 is a lot to pay for a Capri Sun, some Nerds and lost dignity. I didn’t know that ground beef could be so finely pureed, which is good to know if I ever have the combination of a feeding tube and a hamburger craving.

Filed Under Beef, Lunchables Reviews, One Star, Oscar Mayer Reviews | 28 Comments