Abi Jones, Editrix

Hi, my name is Abi Jones and I created HeatEatReview.com to showcase the best and worst in microwavable meals. I’ve been called the “Robert Parker of Hot Pockets” and HeatEatReview.com has been featured in Real Simple magazine and on FoodCandy.com.

I wasn’t born an expert frozen meal critic. First, I earned a rather handy degree in Art History from Seattle University. While in Seattle, I led gallery programs at the Frye Art Museum and drank a lot of coffee.

My original aim of becoming ridiculously rich and famous upon graduation was supplanted by the Jesuit call to social justice. In the Spring of 2002 I joined Teach For America, for a two-year hands-on experience in improving education in a single classroom in one of America’s most impoverished communities. It was an empowering and humbling time in my life. If you’re thinking about applying for or giving money to Teach For America, I’d be more than happy to have a conversation with you about my time in Texas. Summary: I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

Now I’m an Information Architect and User Experience Designer in Palo Alto, California. I love being a professional designer and I express that love in websites, administrative systems, process workflows, and eCommerce paths. Who else gets to have their ideas turned into products, and then refine those products to help other people achieve their dreams? Not too many people.

If you’d like to contact me for an interview, feature HeatEatEatReview.com on your food show, or ask me to be a guest on your History channel retrospective on frozen food, just use the contact form or send an email to abi-at-heateatreviewdotcom. If you’d like to see your product featured on HeatEatReview.com, please check out the review policy.

Latest Reviews by Abi:

Smuckers Uncrustables Peanut Butter & Honey Spread Sandwich

March 17, 2008 | Reviewer: Abi

Smuckers Uncrustables Peanut Butter & Honey Spread Sandwich Price: $4.19 (full price :()
Serving: 1 sandwich, 2oz.
Calories: 210
Fat: 14%, 9g
Cholesterol: 0%, 0mg
Sodium: 10%, 230mg
Protein: 19g
Carbs: 9%, 26g
Fiber: 7%, 2g
Sugar: 10g
Weight Watchers Points: 5 Points

Smuckers says: Smuckers has discovered a new way to seal its homemade goodness into a delicious PB & Honey sandwich. The secret is there’s no crust so kids love ‘em!

Abi says: Every time I visit Seattle, my college town, I spend a morning at Pike Place Market and am instantly distracted by the food. I gorge on miniature doughnuts still hot from the fryer and tossed with cinnamon and sugar. I accept slices of fresh pear, dripping juice and proffered from the tip of a sharp knife. I taste honey categorized by flowering plant, featuring the names Fireweed, Clover, Lavender and Alfalfa, offered upon wooden stir sticks.

It was the honey that did me in. Given a cracker topped with a bit of fresh cheese, I bit in with pleasure. “Wait!” said the farmer, before I could take a second bite. She drizzled the rest of the cheese with honey and I just about died right there in downtown Seattle.

Back in California I started trying everything honey. Honey and cheese (still freaking amazing), honey lattes (not that great), honey-caramel corn (okay) and Peanut Butter and Honey Uncrustables (not actually made with honey. Okay, made with a little bit of honey, but probably not enough honey to convince my mom that it is anything but the devil).

I was excited about trying these because they are made with ~~whole~~ wheat bread and I have been nothing if not brainwashed by my hippie forebears. The thought of Wonderbread makes me gag. Though, the thought of a freshly baked loaf of white bread makes me wonder if anyone has some butter and jam. The wheat bread used by Smuckers really just highlights the fact that white bread is also made of wheat and that adding caramel color is a weird way to hide a lack of fiber.

The peanut butter inside the ubersoft bread pocket was creamy, nutty and just about everything that non-all-natural non-chunky (see, smooth) peanut butter should aspire to be. The honey was utter weirdness. For one, there is a lot of it. I don’t know about you, but when I make a peanut butter and honey sandwich, I do not make it with a 1:1 ratio of peanut butter to honey. No, I prefer at least twice as much peanut butter as honey or jam, perhaps even a 3:1 ratio of nut butter to sweet. The other scary thing about the honey spread? Well, it didn’t really taste like honey. It just tasted like goo, a sensation that made me take a look at the ingredients, which are below:

Corn Syrup
High Fructose Corn Syrup
Water
Honey
Pectin
Natural Flavor
Citric Acid
Potassium Sorbate
Caramel Color
Calcium Chloride

I think the United States is the only country were the labeling laws are so lax that this can be called ‘Honey Spread’. Aren’t the actual ingredients in honey something like “Pollen and bee spit/vomit”?

Yet, as horrifying as I found the possibility of eating a pocket of peanut butter and (mostly) fake, non-bee-spit honey, I ate/used all of these. You see, they are perfect for two things:

Travelling across the country
Giving to homeless people

On a trip to Austin I consumed one pocket on the train and one on the plane. I did not pay $17 for a suspect sandwich from American Airlines (though I did fly in a seat just in front of the enormous aircraft engines and spent most of my flight thinking about the first episode of Lost and that guy who walks in front of the engine and well, you know.) While walking through downtown Palo Alto I provided some homeless lady with a snack. If I’m on my way to a meeting or meeting up with some folks I don’t have to take the time to purchase a sandwich for someone who needs medication just as much as food, I can just carry one around. And therein lies the utility of the Uncrustable.

Filed Under 5 WW Points, Cholesterol Free, Smuckers, Three Stars, Vegetarian | 11 Comments

Green Giant Simply Steam Garden Vegetable Medley

March 13, 2008 | Reviewer: Abi

Green Giant Simply Steam Garden Vegetable Medley Price: $2.00 on sale
Serving: 1/2 package, 4oz.
Calories: 50
Fat: 1%, 0.5g
Cholesterol: 0%, 0mg
Sodium: 26%, 280mg
Protein: 2g
Carbohydrates: 4%, 11g
Fiber: 6%, 1g
Sugar: 3g
Weight Watchers Points: 1 Point per Serving

Green Giant says: Sugar snap peas, roasted potatoes, red peppers and garden herbs

Abi says: Over a year ago, my friend and fellow reviewer Jess proposed that we create and publish a frozen vegetable continuum. This chart would inform frozen food companies about the heat and eatability of each member of the vegetable family. If we’d made the chart, perhaps this side dish would have never come to fruition. Not that the folks at Green Giant are actually paying any attention to Heat Eat Review. But you know, if they were and if we did then my lunch would have been much happier.

On that non-existent chart roasted red peppers would appear definitively on the ‘NO’ side. I enjoy a good roasted red pepper in regular life, but in the world of microwaved food the only thing they provide is color. Color and unavoidable sliminess. Fortunately, the red peppers were the least populous part of this side dish, far outnumbered by the potatoes and peas.

The potato portion is perfect for anyone who lacks self control when it comes to tuber consumption. Plus, the seasonings are peppery and piquant and probably other words that also start with p. Sure, the potatoes have the grainy mealiness of frozen and microwaved spuds (there’s a reason why they’re called ‘root cellars’ and not ‘root iceboxes’), but I have to say that they provided me with a full stomach and an opportunity to really taste the seasoning.

Rounding out the triumvirate of not-that-great vegetables were the ~~sugar~~ ~~snap~~ peas. There were not snappy. There were also not sugary. Instead, they were exactly the sort of vegetable that lead small children to avoid anything green until they’re in their 50’s and the threat of prostate cancer looms large.

Green Giant’s Garden Vegetable Medley is the least enjoyable steamed vegetable product I’ve consumed in the last six months. Now I understand why some of you consider ‘enjoyable steamed vegetable product’ an oxymoron. I cannot in good conscience call this two servings of vegetables, but considering that I won’t be buying them again, I’m not too worried about their serving size definitions.

If you’re looking for something healthy to supplement your lunch I suggest you turn to the simple and somewhat Italian-seasoned Simply Steam Carrots and Broccoli instead.

Filed Under 1 WW Point, Cholesterol Free, Green Giant Reviews, Three Stars, Vegetarian | 9 Comments

Foster Farms Honey Crunchy Chicken Corn Dogs

March 10, 2008 | Reviewer: Abi

Foster Farms Honey Crunchy Chicken Corn Dogs Price: $4.19 per box of 6
Serving: 1 corn dog, 2.67oz.
Calories: 180
Fat: 13%, 9g
Cholesterol: 8%, 25mg
Sodium: 22%, 540mg
Protein: 7g
Carbohydrates: 6%, 19g
Fiber: 0%, 0g
Sugar: 6g
Weight Watchers Points: 4 Points

Foster Farms says: Easy to heat & eat. They’re fun-tastic anytime! Foster Farms Corn Dogs have the “just right” combination of plump, juicy hot dogs dipped in honey crunchy batter.

Abi says: I think that sometimes people get these images of Silicon Valley that are glamorous or sweatshop-like and while both of those realities exist there is also the point where 40 people say on Facebook that they are going to show up for a dinner and the location is set as the San Jose Mall’s FOOD COURT and then only 6 people show up and you think to yourself ‘Am I really having a Jamba Juice for dinner? Really?’

Of course, at the mall (don’t worry, we have since gone to actual restaurants) I was briefly entranced by Hot Dog on a Stick. I’d forgotten that they even existed and while I wasn’t about to order a hot dog on a stick or a cheese on a stick (yes, it is real) I decided that I’d get some to eat at home.

The first lesson here is that packages of corn dogs are made for people with families. The first two stores I visited they only carried 36-packs. I wanted just a hit of county-fair nostalgia, not a month of it. Eventually I lucked out with a 6-pack for $4.19. I would have purchased the 36-pack (just $9.99!) and saved the gas money, but do you think I have room in my freezer for an enormous box of corn dogs? I do not.

Unlike many a Lean Cuisine, these are not low calorie. Fortunately, they’re made with chicken, not beef. You get a chicken dog and breading for 180 calories. With a beef hot dog you don’t get breading, but you still get 180 calories. Also, these come on a wooden stick, which is fun and will remind you of your childhood. But then you’ll end up thinking about it to much and get weirded out by the sheer oddness of eating a cornbread-wrapped piece of re-formed chicken impaled on a tiny blunt stake.

My preferred cooking method for these mirrors the somewhat complicated way that I ~~make~~ heat up Morningstar Mini Corn Dogs. I bake them in the oven for ten minutes, microwave them until they are hot inside (a minute) and then bake them in the oven for another few minutes to ensure the crispiness of the cornbread layer.

Yes, I use two appliances to make corn dogs. That is the beauty of working at home. The actual hot dog itself is pleasantly chewy, but it is another one of those things that you don’t want to think about for too long. Hot dogs are consumed because it is a national holiday with fireworks, you are at the beach or you are experiencing a salt deficiency, not because they have a fantastic mouthfeel.

The unsatisfactory part of this item was the cornbread coating. It was approximately a centimeter thick and overpowered the salt of the hot dog with sugar. This is what I get for buying Honey Crunchy flavor corn dogs. Honey Crunchy is a cereal, not a proper variety of meat product.

The next time I’m craving corn dogs, I’ll look for a brand that doesn’t involve cloying sweetness. If you have a preferred corn dog style or flavor, I’d like to hear about it.

Filed Under 4 WW Points, Chicken, Foster Farms, Three Stars | 11 Comments

Trader Joe’s Angus Cheeseburger Sliders

March 5, 2008 | Reviewer: Abi

Trader Joe’s Angus Cheeseburger Sliders Price: $4.59 (spendy!)
Serving: 2 sliders, 3.5oz.
Servings per Package: 2
Calories: 260
Fat: 15%, 10g
Cholesterol: 17%, 70mg
Sodium: 19%, 450mg
Protein: 16g
Carbohydrates: 8%, 25g
Fiber: 4%, 1g
Sugar: 2g
Weight Watchers Points: 6 Points

Trader Joe says: Beefy goodness

Abi says: When I pulled these out of my Trader Joe’s shopping bag, my fiance, a man who has been known to eat burnt cookies, $1.00 pizzas and mushrooms, looked at them with both disdain and disgust.

“Hey,” I said “these will either be awesome or they will be horrible. So I have to try them.”

He verbally agreed, shrugged and left me to the rest of my unpacking because our freezer is now like a game of Tetris and I’m the only one who really knows how to play (which is actually not true, my mom rocks at Tetris. It is scary how good she is.).

These hamburgers were neither super nor bad nor superbad. They were exactly what I’d expect from a microwaved slider. Each was smaller in diameter yet thicker than a KFC Chicken Little. The bun was incredibly soft and peppered with sesame seeds, which made me realize that I dislike sesame seeds on buns. They get everywhere: teeth, carpet, in your bra - I am not kidding about the bra thing.

The next layer in the slider is the cheese. If there’s something that Trader Joe’s is going to get right, it is cheese. Each mini burger was topped with a square of yellow cheddar and each square of cheddar melted perfectly. It didn’t taste like much, but it looked really nice.

And the meat part? Have you ever defrosted frozen hamburger in the microwave but forgotten to flip it and essentially cooked a pound of hamburger via magnetron? That’s how this beef tasted. It was cooked, but lacked the slight char necessary to a good burger What, you think char is not necessary? Then you have not seen people weep when the Whopper was discontinued. Each little burger patty was a hockey puck of chewiness, so springy that I briefly contemplated trying to bounce a piece of it on the kitchen floor.

Two sliders is a snack and four sliders are too many to eat in a state of sobriety. As cute as they were, I won’t be buying these again. At nearly $5.00 for four sliders, I’m better off waiting until I go to DC where I can get freshly grilled mini-burgers sandwiched between layers of buttered and grilled brioche.

Filed Under 6 WW Points, Beef, Three Stars, Trader Joe's Reviews | 12 Comments