Hot Pockets Pepperoni Pizza

September 30, 2008 | Reviewer: Guest Reviewers

Photo of Hot Pockets Pepperoni Pizza Price: $7.98 on sale
Serving:1 Hot Pocket, 4.47oz.
Servings per box: 12
Calories: 350 per serving
Fat: 28%, 18g
Cholesterol: 8%, 25mg
Sodium: 33%, 780mg
Protein: 10g
Carbohydrates: 12%, 36g
Fiber: 8%, 2g
Sugar: 6g
Weight Watchers Points: 8 Points

Hot Pockets: Nothing.

Alex: Hot Pockets are one of today’s greatest culinary mysteries. What the hell is it? The box tells me that it’s pepperoni pizza. In all my years of life, I have never, ever seen a pizza in such a form. Pizza is round; this is pocketed.

Upon first examination of a Hot Pocket, you see two things. Some frozen pocket of dough, and a small piece of cardboard. You take the pocket, put it into what is called the “Crisp and Carry.” You microwave it for two minutes, let rest for two minutes, and eat.

This is where a mistake was surely made.

Two minutes after removing it from the microwave, I inspected my Pocket of Hotness. It looked good enough, so, I bit into it. When I broke the hard, oil soaked crust of the Hot Pocket, a wave of burning hot cheese and sauce oozed into my mouth. I immediately pitched the magma filled pocket into the garbage out of impulse. I went back, as I had bought the 12-pack, and got another one. I went through the same procedure, but this time I waited 5 minutes. Upon eating, I discovered something. Hot Pockets are gross.

The texture is gooey and crunchy, not a good combination in this case. The crust was soaked in the orange oil that had miraculously appeared from the pepperonis. Each bite was an explosion of heat, then disgust. According to the ingredients, “imitation mozzarella” is used. This fauxzzarella had none of the features of good mozzarella. It came out in little clumps in random places. The pepperonis were spongy, and they did their best to try to satisfy my meat needs. They failed miserably.

Let’s put it this way. If I was stuck on a desert island that happened to have a pepperoni Hot Pockets factory with an abundance of microwaves, and I had to eat something with pepperoni in it every seven minutes, or else I would die, I would consider having these.

P.S. While writing this review, I made another Hot Pocket, just to be sure. However, I forgot about it, and when I came back to it a half an hour later, it was a Cold Pocket.

DO NOT EAT HOT POCKETS COLD.

comments

20 Responses to “Hot Pockets Pepperoni Pizza”

Marvo on September 30th, 2008

Blasphemy!

Pepperoni is the O.G. of Hot Pockets and should be treated with respect. Sure, about 50% of the time you end up with a Hot Pocket that’s not fully warmed up, despite following the microwave instructions completely, but that’s just its way to teach you respect for the O.G. of Hot Pockets. It also does that by burning her mouth with the hot cheese and oil that oozes from it when you take a bite.
Julie A on September 30th, 2008

I’ve tried every possible Hot Pocket and Lean Pocket known to humankind and they all suck.

I’d buy one of those $1.00 Totino’s cheapo pizzas and heat it up in a regular oven then attempt to choke down another Hot/Lean Pocket - they suck, suck, SUCK! And I have ALWAYS burnt my mouth on them. ARG.
Abi Jones on September 30th, 2008

In Soviet Russia, food burns you!

I like Hot Pockets. Specifically, there are two acceptable pocket sandwiches: Pepperoni and Chicken Fajita.
rob on September 30th, 2008

Hot Pockets are great food when you have had too much to drink.
Don on September 30th, 2008

I completely agree on how disgusting these things are. Especially when you are indulging in artificially-processed cheese and carefully placed pieces of pepperoni in the Hot Pocket. I really don’t understand why people keep buying these because even when they are on sale for a very low price, I always walk past them in the supermarket. I don’t know if its the flaky crust or the ooziness of what’s in them, they have never satisfied me at all.
Justin on September 30th, 2008

I’m with Marvo, this review borders heresy… I’ve recently discovered the beef taco; after two pockets and 3 Tums, I am set for the afternoon.

The Ham and Cheese is the still the best.
norby871 on September 30th, 2008

Every time a new flavor comes out I consider trying it, then I remember that the only way I come close to enjoying a Hot Pocket (or any pocket) is by scraping all the insides out and just eating the crust. Yeck.
Sarah on September 30th, 2008

Hot Pocket dissection - http://cockeyed.com/science/hotpocket/hotpok1.html
stezton on October 1st, 2008

I’ve always liked Hot/Lean Pockets (croissant pockets suck!). With Hot Pockets it all comes down to which flavor, i.e. BBQ Chicken = NASTY! & Meatball = yummy.
MaryAnne on October 1st, 2008

I just discovered Lean Pockets about 6 months ago and I’m obsessed with the Supreme Pizza, Spinach/Chicken/Artichoke, and Chicken/Cheese/Brocolli flavors. I eat one for lunch and I’m good to go.
alex on October 1st, 2008

There’s also the vegetarian pocket for those of you who don’t eat meat but still want diarrhea. Diarrhea Pocket!

Have you tried the hot pocket hot pocket? It’s a hot pocket inside a hot pocket. It tastes just like a hot pocket.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9c9lAfXQHs
Jeff Pfister on October 2nd, 2008

To be quite honest, I whole heartedly agree with said description of hot pocket. I find them to be a blarney of grease, disgusting ingredients coupled with something that is supposed to resemble dough binded with evil. Hot pockets were developed by Satan, or someone who happens to be working for him. At no point does this food fit into any food group. I’m sure in 10 years they will all be banded by the FDA because they will prove to be carcinogenic. It truly is remarkable that some of you out there actually continue to buy and eat these things. No, I have never been drunk enough to enjoy said pocket. Nor, would I want any of my family or friends attempting to prove to themselves that these are worthy of purchasing. I pray that we are not shipping these food items to the homeless during canned food drives because if we are, shame on us!

In any event, they continue to be a staple for some of you. I’m not quite sure how, or why, and I’m not sure I want to know either. If you live to be older than 60 and you eat these things then God Bless.

Sincerely,

A Hot Pocket Hater.
CM on October 4th, 2008

Someone should review the Lean Pockets Subs. The bread is surprisingly good.
Raven on October 4th, 2008

my daughter LOVES these
aarwenn on October 6th, 2008

These got me through college and I still have a soft spot in my heart for them. I actually enjoy them. Now I can’t decide if I’m too turned on by fake cheese (possible) or if the reviewer is a little too picky to be reviewing hot pockets.
Alice on October 6th, 2008

That’s the thing about hot pockets! Even though you know they are bland hot high calorie lumps you continue to go back for more. I’ve done it myself and I can’t help myself.
Tomcat710 on December 9th, 2008

There’s no right way to eat a Hot Pocket.
Kellynch on December 12th, 2008

I love Lean Pockets pizzas. But, since I don’t own a microwave (and have no intention of ever owning one), I bake mine in the oven. I leave it out for a couple of minutes and, when I’m ready to eat it, it’s no longer too hot for human consumption. I will say that the whole wheat crust version was nasty, but I do like the regular version.
david on January 18th, 2009

thats not right taking
Matthew Miller on May 30th, 2009

My letter to Hot Pockets:

Dear Sirs
I have never before contacted a manufacturer about their product, but after recently trying a steak and cheddar cheese Hot Pocket I was so amazed that I thought I must contact you.

I guess what is so amazing about your product is that your company is still in business, you must have an excellent marketing strategy because after taking two bights of a Hot Pocket I nearly threw up.
I’m not sure how this is even classified as food, it was hands down the most disgusting thing I have ever tried to eat, and if that wasn’t bad enough when I checked the sell by date I noticed the length of the ingredients label, these things are full of preservatives, MSG, and chemicals that you can’t even pronounce,it looked more like a science experiment than it did food.
I guarantee that none of the companies execs ever eat any of these products, please don’t send me any coupons or anything for more of your products because I will just throw them in the trash, I will not even give them away for fear of retaliation.

Sincerely
Matthew Miller