Heat Eat Review

• Home
• about
• archives
• the editrix
• contribute
• contact

Hunger is the best seasoning

Get reviews sent to your Email or via RSS

Hot Pockets Pepperoni Pizza

September 30, 2008 | Reviewer: Guest Reviewers

Price: $7.98 on sale
Serving:1 Hot Pocket, 4.47oz.
Servings per box: 12
Calories: 350 per serving
Fat: 28%, 18g
Cholesterol: 8%, 25mg
Sodium: 33%, 780mg
Protein: 10g
Carbohydrates: 12%, 36g
Fiber: 8%, 2g
Sugar: 6g
Weight Watchers Points: 8 Points

Hot Pockets: Nothing.

Alex: Hot Pockets are one of today’s greatest culinary mysteries. What the hell is it? The box tells me that it’s pepperoni pizza. In all my years of life, I have never, ever seen a pizza in such a form. Pizza is round; this is pocketed.

Upon first examination of a Hot Pocket, you see two things. Some frozen pocket of dough, and a small piece of cardboard. You take the pocket, put it into what is called the “Crisp and Carry.” You microwave it for two minutes, let rest for two minutes, and eat.

This is where a mistake was surely made.

Two minutes after removing it from the microwave, I inspected my Pocket of Hotness. It looked good enough, so, I bit into it. When I broke the hard, oil soaked crust of the Hot Pocket, a wave of burning hot cheese and sauce oozed into my mouth. I immediately pitched the magma filled pocket into the garbage out of impulse. I went back, as I had bought the 12-pack, and got another one. I went through the same procedure, but this time I waited 5 minutes. Upon eating, I discovered something. Hot Pockets are gross.

The texture is gooey and crunchy, not a good combination in this case. The crust was soaked in the orange oil that had miraculously appeared from the pepperonis. Each bite was an explosion of heat, then disgust. According to the ingredients, “imitation mozzarella” is used. This fauxzzarella had none of the features of good mozzarella. It came out in little clumps in random places. The pepperonis were spongy, and they did their best to try to satisfy my meat needs. They failed miserably.

Let’s put it this way. If I was stuck on a desert island that happened to have a pepperoni Hot Pockets factory with an abundance of microwaves, and I had to eat something with pepperoni in it every seven minutes, or else I would die, I would consider having these.

P.S. While writing this review, I made another Hot Pocket, just to be sure. However, I forgot about it, and when I came back to it a half an hour later, it was a Cold Pocket.

DO NOT EAT HOT POCKETS COLD.

Patrick David’s Rich Chocolate Souffle

September 29, 2008 | Reviewer: Abi

Price: $6.00 on sale
Serving: 1/2 souffle, 2.5oz
Servings per package: 4 (ha!)
Calories per serving: 300
Reality Calories per serving:600
Facts below are for one souffle
Fat: 70%, 46g
Cholesterol: 100%, 300mg
Sodium: 2%, 50mg
Protein: 6g
Carbohydrates: 16%, 48g
Fiber: 0%, 0g
Sugar: 32g
Weight Watchers Points: 16 Points

Patrick David says: Made of the finest European chocolate, this melt-in-your-mouth delight offers the spongy exterior of a flourless chocolate cake with a rich, molten center.

Abi says: While looking for gluten-free cookie dough (my current obsession) I saw this treat and thought of a beloved Trader Joe’s staple. It turns out that Trader Joe’s version of the molten chocolate cake is significantly better (and cheaper) than this item from Whole Foods

Sure, Patrick David’s souffle was sweet and rich, but it wasn’t my cup of chocolate. In fact, it just wasn’t chocolatey enough. I know, that sounds absolutely crazy. Doesn’t it look super chocolatey, after all? Well, yes, it looks good. And it is fine. Okay. Alright. I expect more than that from something that requires me to fire up the oven for half an hour.

I wanted better than fine. I also wanted better than a complete and utter nutritional disaster. I know, right now you’re saying ‘But Abi, couldn’t you just look at the box before you buy things?’ and I could, but that would take the fun out of reviewing awful stuff. The chocolate souffles I’m familiar with contain very small amounts of butter, basically enough butter to keep the chocolate melty in a stable way.

Patrick David (who I’m sure actually had nothing to do with these souffles) went and used butter as the main ingredient. Sure, it makes things rich. It also makes the chocolate a lot less effective. So instead of getting a lot of chocolate, I got a lot of fat.

And lets take a look at that serving size: 1/2 a souffle. Each souffle is approximately the size of a cupcake. They may even be smaller than cupcakes. Have you ever said to someone ‘Oh, why don’t we just split this cupcake?’ No, you don’t say that! The only way to say something like that is if it also comes with ice cream. WTFOMGBBQ! Seriously, Patrick David? Seriously? 1/2 a freaking souffle?

Fat per ounce of souffle: 9.2 grams
Grams in an ounce 28.35

Almost 1/3 of this souffle is fat. Yeesh. I’d rather eat 11 Oreo cookies. Yeah, ELEVEN. And you know what, in ELEVEN Oreos, there’s the same amount of fat as HALF of a souffle. Wrap your brain about that one.

Hunger Relief, Cancer and More

September 29, 2008 | Reviewer: Abi Jones

You can probably tell from the title that this won’t be the most fun post in the world. In fact, it is downright depressing. But don’t stop reading yet! Instead, please read this update and stay tuned for a review later today.

1. Hunger in America Right now, Tyson Foods, makers of mediocre breaded chicken products is engaging the public in a fantastic campaign to help curb/limit/end hunger in the United States. Check out their site, Tyson Hunger Relief, and comment on the post Hunger in the Bay Area – and How You Can Help. For each comment received on that post, Tyson will donate 100 pounds of protein to Bay Area food banks.
2. Pink for October Heat Eat Review will once again go pink for October. This year we’ll be donating $2 for every thousand visits this month to the Cancer Research Institute. Why CRI? Well, they have the highest ratings from the folks who rate charities. Yes, all of this means that Heat Eat review will go pink in a few days. It is just for a month. You don’t even have to do anything, just keep visiting Heat Eat Review. If you’re interested in going pink for October on your blog, check out the campaign at http://pinkforoctober.org.
3. Chocolate Souffles That’s the review that will go up later today. I know, it doesn’t fit with hunger and cancer, but if I can’t post a non sequitur, what use is it having a blog?

Smart Ones Fruit Inspirations Cranberry Turkey Medallions

September 17, 2008 | Reviewer: Guest Reviewers

Price: $3.12
Serving: 9 oz.
Calories: 350 per serving
Fat: 7%, 4.5g
Cholesterol: 9%, 25mg
Sodium: 23%, 560mg
Protein: 18g
Carbohydrates: 20%, 59g
Fiber: 16%, 4g
Sugar: 23g
Weight Watchers Points: 7

Smart Ones says: Roasted turkey medallions in a cranberry sauce with stuffing and roasted potato wedges

Erin says: Smart Ones Cranberry Turkey Medallions is the best frozen meal I’ve had in a while. I normally would not pay full price for a frozen meal, but the combination of fruit and a rainbow logo scrambled my brain. I really wanted the mango chicken, but the cranberry turkey was all they had in stock.

Microwaving turkey is often disappointing, but these pieces stay submerged in the cranberry sauce, keeping them nice and moist. The turkey & cranberry flavor combination was great, making my house smell like Thanksgiving. The veggies were crisp, especially the carrot, less so with the cauliflower. The seasoning on both the vegetables and the potatoes was pleasant, but might be a little salty for some. I liked that they included plenty of herbs on the veggies and potatoes. The best way to eat this meal was to get a little bit of everything (turkey, cranberry, vegetable and potato) in one bite. I especially appreciate the lack of red peppers in the meal. They’re in a lot of frozen meals and usually have to pick them out. That wasn’t needed here.

There is still room for improvement with this meal: though the flavor was Thanksgiving-like, about half of the stuffing got microwaved-bread tough. And a couple corners of turkey that escaped the cranberry sauce got a bit tough. The cranberry sauce was too sweet, so I could have done with a bit less sauce or just a lighter hand with the sugar.

Even with the too-sweet sauce and the hardened stuffing, this was a great frozen meal. I hope its on sale the next time I go grocery shopping.