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Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. ~Woody Allen

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Lean Cuisine Chicken Ranch Club Flatbread Melt #2

March 18, 2008 | Reviewer: Josh

MSRP: $4.19
Serving: 1 package, 6.5oz.
Calories: 330
Fat: 14%, 9g
Cholesterol: 8%, 20mg
Sodium: 26%, 640mg
Protein: 21g
Carbs: 14%, 41g
Fiber: 17%, 4g
Sugar: 4g
Weight Watchers Points: 7 Points

Lean Cuisine says: White meat chicken, tomato, bacon, cheddar and mozzarella cheese with a ranch sauce in a soft flatbread.

Josh says: In my quest for free meals and after my positive experience with the Lean Cuisine Chicken Philly Flatbread Melt, I decided to try the chicken ranch club. Much like the chicken Philly, the ranch club’s chicken didn’t have much taste. With the exception of one or two bites that had an unusual concentration of tomatoes or “bacon bits,” the meal amounted to little more than spreading a layer of ranch dressing on soft warm (somewhat rubbery) bread. For some reason the meal reminded me of that famous Anne Richards line about George Bush, Sr: “He was born with a silver foot in his mouth.” I bet it tasted better than the Lean Cuisine Chicken Ranch Club Flatbread Melt.

[This meal was free from the folks at Lean Cuisine. Nicole also reviewed the Lean Cuisine Chicken Ranch Club Flatbread Melt. Her review has a lovely photo and no references to Texas. -Ed.]

Smuckers Uncrustables Peanut Butter & Honey Spread Sandwich

March 17, 2008 | Reviewer: Abi

Price: $4.19 (full price :()
Serving: 1 sandwich, 2oz.
Calories: 210
Fat: 14%, 9g
Cholesterol: 0%, 0mg
Sodium: 10%, 230mg
Protein: 19g
Carbs: 9%, 26g
Fiber: 7%, 2g
Sugar: 10g
Weight Watchers Points: 5 Points

Smuckers says: Smuckers has discovered a new way to seal its homemade goodness into a delicious PB & Honey sandwich. The secret is there’s no crust so kids love ‘em!

Abi says: Every time I visit Seattle, my college town, I spend a morning at Pike Place Market and am instantly distracted by the food. I gorge on miniature doughnuts still hot from the fryer and tossed with cinnamon and sugar. I accept slices of fresh pear, dripping juice and proffered from the tip of a sharp knife. I taste honey categorized by flowering plant, featuring the names Fireweed, Clover, Lavender and Alfalfa, offered upon wooden stir sticks.

It was the honey that did me in. Given a cracker topped with a bit of fresh cheese, I bit in with pleasure. “Wait!” said the farmer, before I could take a second bite. She drizzled the rest of the cheese with honey and I just about died right there in downtown Seattle.

Back in California I started trying everything honey. Honey and cheese (still freaking amazing), honey lattes (not that great), honey-caramel corn (okay) and Peanut Butter and Honey Uncrustables (not actually made with honey. Okay, made with a little bit of honey, but probably not enough honey to convince my mom that it is anything but the devil).

I was excited about trying these because they are made with whole wheat bread and I have been nothing if not brainwashed by my hippie forebears. The thought of Wonderbread makes me gag. Though, the thought of a freshly baked loaf of white bread makes me wonder if anyone has some butter and jam. The wheat bread used by Smuckers really just highlights the fact that white bread is also made of wheat and that adding caramel color is a weird way to hide a lack of fiber.

The peanut butter inside the ubersoft bread pocket was creamy, nutty and just about everything that non-all-natural non-chunky (see, smooth) peanut butter should aspire to be. The honey was utter weirdness. For one, there is a lot of it. I don’t know about you, but when I make a peanut butter and honey sandwich, I do not make it with a 1:1 ratio of peanut butter to honey. No, I prefer at least twice as much peanut butter as honey or jam, perhaps even a 3:1 ratio of nut butter to sweet. The other scary thing about the honey spread? Well, it didn’t really taste like honey. It just tasted like goo, a sensation that made me take a look at the ingredients, which are below:

1. Corn Syrup
2. High Fructose Corn Syrup
3. Water
4. Honey
5. Pectin
6. Natural Flavor
7. Citric Acid
8. Potassium Sorbate
9. Caramel Color
10. Calcium Chloride

I think the United States is the only country were the labeling laws are so lax that this can be called ‘Honey Spread’. Aren’t the actual ingredients in honey something like “Pollen and bee spit/vomit”?

Yet, as horrifying as I found the possibility of eating a pocket of peanut butter and (mostly) fake, non-bee-spit honey, I ate/used all of these. You see, they are perfect for two things:

1. Travelling across the country
2. Giving to homeless people

On a trip to Austin I consumed one pocket on the train and one on the plane. I did not pay $17 for a suspect sandwich from American Airlines (though I did fly in a seat just in front of the enormous aircraft engines and spent most of my flight thinking about the first episode of Lost and that guy who walks in front of the engine and well, you know.) While walking through downtown Palo Alto I provided some homeless lady with a snack. If I’m on my way to a meeting or meeting up with some folks I don’t have to take the time to purchase a sandwich for someone who needs medication just as much as food, I can just carry one around. And therein lies the utility of the Uncrustable.

Icybay Cooked Langostinos Recall

March 14, 2008 | Reviewer: Abi Jones

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE — Boston, MA — March 14, 2008 — Slade Gorton & Co is issuing a voluntary recall of its “ICYBAY” cooked, ready to eat, frozen Langostinos because they have the potential to be contaminated with Listeria monocytogenes, an organism which can cause serious and sometimes fatal infections in young children, frail or elderly people, and others with weakened immune systems.

Although healthy individuals may suffer only short-term symptoms such as fever, headache, stiffness, nausea, abdominal pain and diarrhea, Listeria monocytogenes infection can cause miscarriages and stillbirths among pregnant women.

The product retails in one pound, clear plastic package marked with UPC 0-73129-61672-8 on the top and with an expiration date of June 2009 and is distributed under the brand name of “ICYBAY”. The product also was distributed to wholesale accounts, also under the “ICYBAY” brand, in five pound clear plastic packages containing either 70-90 count, 90-125 count or 120-150 count. This recall involves production dates of July 18, 2007 through August 13, 2007 and/or Julian dates of 199 through 232.

The recalled “ICYBAY” cooked langostinos were distributed to retailers in Massachusetts and Maryland, over the course of the past several weeks. The majority of the retail distribution was removed from shelves immediately upon notice of the potential of contamination. The recalled “ICYBAY” cooked langostinos were distributed to wholesalers in Colorado, Connecticut, Indiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Nebraska, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Oklahoma, Texas, Vermont, West Virginia and Wisconsin.

Consumers who have purchased one pound packages of “ICYBAY” cooked langostinos are urged to return them to the place of purchase for a full refund. Consumers with questions may contact the company at 1-800-225-1573.

Source: http://www.fda.gov/oc/po/firmrecalls/slade03_08.html
Hat tip: Matthew at UsabilityWorks.org
Langostino image courtesy of Virgirm

Stouffer’s Fried Chicken Breast

March 14, 2008 | Reviewer: Guest Reviewers

Price: $1.50
Serving: 1 package, 8 7/8oz.
Calories: 360
Fat: 27%, 18g
Cholesterol: 14%, 45mg
Sodium: 36%, 880mg
Protein: 20g
Carbohydrates: 10%, 30g
Fiber: 7%, 2g
Sugar: 2g
Weight Watchers Points: 8 Points

Stouffer’s says: Tender boneless chicken breast with rib meat in a seasoned crispy coating with mashed potatoes and gravy

Kelly says: I am adapting to the South. When I lived in the Great White North I used to be embarrassed about how much time I spent on my hair. The only reason my excessive blow-drying was acceptable was that if my hair wasn’t completely dry when I left the house it would freeze onto my head in curly icicles. But now I live in the suburbs of the ATL, a place where my own personal vanities are nothing compared to those of the women who were born in the South. They have other people to blow dry their hair for them.

Other things I like about the South: Fried Chicken. I never knew anyone with a deep-fryer, let alone people who had their own family fried chicken recipes. I feel compelled to make my coworkers get into arguments about whose fried chicken is better just so that they’ll have a fry-off and I’ll get to reap the greasy rewards.

By now, my boyfriend knows not to get between a born-again Southern girl and her fried chicken. He also knows that fried chicken is awful for both of us so even though he is a great cook, he never makes it. Ladies: don’t get involved with a professional cook because while you’ll feast when you first start dating one day you will get to work and realize that you are looking forward to your frozen meal because you get to review it.

Stouffer’s Fried Chicken Breast Meal is not a worthy substitute for Fried Chicken. Buying this was just dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Because I live in the South. South, South, South. So I will not give you this review as a Southerner. I will put on my staid, commonsense Lutheran cap and let you know just what you’ll get from Stouffer’s.

Visual inspection of the meal reveals a bigger than my hand and slightly thicker than an iPod piece of chicken. The chicken is covered with an orange breading that I assume will be seasoned because orange = seasoned. See Curly Fries and Cheez Whiz for proof of orange/flavor correlation. The chicken rests next to a clementine-orange sized pile of mashed potatoes. They are white. They are gravied. The gravy looks like the water that gathers everywhere during the Spring thaw: thickly beige and speckled with dirt. Or spices in the gravy’s case. I am sure that Stouffer’s is not trying to make me eat dirt.

The meat is nice white stuff that I can cut with the side of my fork. It exhibits chew and flavor, but the breading is soggy. If I hadn’t been repeatedly exposed to the delicious virus known as Fried Chicken then I would probably think this is not too bad. As it happens, anyone who is familiar with the fried will be really disappointed in this breading.

The mashed potatoes are fluffy and come in too small of a portion for such a big piece of chicken. I like to chop up my chicken into bite size chunks and then mix it in with my gravied mashed potatoes and pretend that I’m back home eating a hot dish. I guess the people at Stouffer’s don’t take the potato as seriously as the people at the United Nations.

I love gravy and I am happy that both of my homelands are also places of gravy love. Is there a part of the United States that doesn’t like gravy? If so, I do not want to live there. This is a light gravy and I really appreciate that there’s enough of it for both my chicken and my mashed potatoes. But if I had my way and there were more mashed potatoes then I would need more gravy.

As an almost Southerner, I wouldn’t be able to stomach this meal. But if I was at home, visiting my parents in the dead of winter, I would pick up one or two of these at Coburn’s to tide me over until I re-entered the republic of the South.

P.S. I’m sorry about the long intro on the review, but nobody here seems to understand that the rest of the country just does not take blow-drying that seriously. They would be aghast if they ever visited Brooklyn. But man, I would pay money (premium cable money) to see a show about a bunch of Southern Ladies dropped in the middle of New York City. “Oh my goodness, Louise! That young man failed to open a door for me! What ever shall I do?”

P.P.S. I’m sorry about the weird picture. There was stuff from work in it (Kelly is not my real name) so I had to edit out a bunch of stuff with MS Paint.