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The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again. ~George Miller

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Trader Joe’s Chicken Vindaloo

February 7, 2008 | Reviewer: Chavi

Price: $2.69
Serving: 11 oz.
Calories: 290 per serving
Fat: 5%, 3.5g
Cholesterol: 10%, 30mg
Sodium: 25%, 590mg
Protein: 16g
Carbohydrates: 16%, 47g
Fiber: 11%, 3g
Sugar: 3g
Weight Watchers Points: 5 Points

Trader Joe says: Vegetables and white chicken with a vindaloo curry sauce served over steamed rice.

Chaviva says: The U.S. Department of Agriculture inspected this little bowl of Indian nosh or wholesomeness, but they didn’t inspect it for deliciousness.

When I first saw this dish, I was immediately stoked. You see, I’ll do anything to try a new Indian dish if I don’t have to go to a public restaurant and eat alone. I whipped out my BlackBerry, clicked on the bookmarked Weight Watchers calculator and punched in the figures. I was very pleased to find out that Trader Joe’s Chicken Vindaloo was only 5 points (about the average point value for a Lean Cuisine — my lunch entree of choice), and thus purchased the frozen bowl o’meal.

After heating the bowl for 4 minutes, then stirring the contents (most of which were still frozen) and popping it back in for another 4 minutes, I scurried to my office to sit, huddled over the bowl, for the brief lunch break I take. Upon first bite, I was shocked with the taste of nothing. This is a curry dish and I pride myself on being a “hot head” — that is, I am able to withstand all foods at any heat level — but this meal was completely benign. I decided to not judge it upon first bite, and took another. The spices started finding their way into the nooks and recesses of my mouth, and it started to taste more like Indian fare, but it reminded me of leftovers. I swore I was eating day-old peas and carrots from a failed stew and leftover chicken from a failed soup and leftover rice, just mushed together in a little black bowl and stuffed into the freezer section at Trader Joe’s. I could throw this together at home if the only requirement for wholesomeness is to “taste like a leftover mash.”

The look of the meal also resembled that of leftovers, like when you go to a restaurant and they stuff the rice in with the entree. That drives me crazy because it means that I don’t get that fresh rice-meets-entree experience. I eat a lot of frozen meals at my boring office job, and this definitely doesn’t rank up with my favorites. The chicken was plenty tender, but it failed to wow me the way that a lot of other pre-packaged Indian meals I’ve had have done — especially on the flavor indicator. I did finish the entire bowl, but only becuase I didn’t want to have to figure out the points value for only eating some bizarre fraction of the meal. Afterward, my mouth felt as though it had consumed a full Indian buffet, but a piece of gum took care of that sad untruth.

Alas, Indian nosh, you are banished to the Dept. of Agriculture for further testing. Wholesomeness just isn’t enough these days.

Weight Watchers Recipe Cards

February 6, 2008 | Reviewer: Abi Jones

One can trace my fascination with disturbing food (see: this entire website) back to my introduction to the Lileks Gallery of Regrettable Food in the late 1990’s. Now that I think about this more, I realize that there were a lot fewer websites back then. Now I feel old. There’s a link for you right up there. Don’t plan on getting any work done today.

Of course, if you don’t want to spend hours reading snarky commentary on old advertisements disguised as cookbooks (never before have I seen so many ways to add evaporated milk to beef), you can spend a quick ten minutes perusing the 1974 Weight Watchers Cards at Candyboots. You will laugh, you will cry, you will realize what happens when an entire generation uses a lot of drugs.

We’re all adults here, so don’t go blaming HeatEatReview.com when you’re boss walks in while you’re perusing a page that contains Mackerelly or the Jellied Tomato Refresher. Now if someone comes out with a terrific Deal-a-Meal satire, we’ll be set.

Healthy Choice Café Steamers Chicken Tuscany

February 5, 2008 | Reviewer: Adina

Price: $2.99
Serving: 1 meal, 10.6 oz.
Calories: 300
Fat: 12%, 8g
Cholesterol: 8%, 25mg
Sodium: 23%, 560mg
Protein: 21g
Carbs: 11%, 34g
Fiber: 20%, 5g
WW Points: 6 Points

Healthy Choice says: We broil lean chicken tenderloin chunks, combine them with a colorful medley of zucchini, spinach and sun dried tomatoes and serve over linguini pasta tossed in a flavorful Parmesan sauce.

Adina says: I am not someone who likes my food steamed. I like it breaded, deep fried, saturated in fat, glazed, covered in gravy, chocolate sauce, bits of bacon, etc. I accept that some food must be boiled (noodles) in order to be married to less healthy mediums (alfredo sauce) to create one, harmonious meal. Rarely will you find me saying “Ohh, let’s steam dinner tonight” or “I’ll take the healthy steamed option please, with a side of broccoli.” And when I say rarely, I mean you can just go ahead and shoot me when that day comes because my life will so be over.

But (and this is possibly the hugest “but” since Baby Got Back hit record stores in 1992), this meal was sort of definitely a delightful dining experience. Dare I say that Healthy Choice finally did something right? God, that feels so wrong to say and yet . . . my mouth doesn’t lie. This meal, it was unbelievably tasty.

The zucchini was perfectly steamed. It tasted much like how I would imagine zucchini would taste if I ever steamed it and then ate it. It was tender on the inside and faintly crisp on the outside. It looked so green and fresh that I actually ate it first. Before the noodles. I KNOW. To me, eating vegetables before noodles is sort of akin to choosing a Brazilian bikini wax over napping. It is just plum crazy. And yet, it was my reality this afternoon as I pushed the noodles to the side to find that last bite of zucchini yumminess.

Not to say the noodles weren’t good. Oh they were good. Especially considering that the sauce was FedExed from HEAVEN. Seriously, the taste is so zesty and unexpected.

It was flavorful and bitey and the picture on the container actually doesn’t do the spices justice. Has that ever happened before? Where the food was actually BETTER than how it looked in the picture? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY HEALTHY CHOICE?

The chicken was a little dry, but it tasted like dry REAL chicken. As far as white meat goes, this was probably better than any piece of white meat I can cook. I truly believe white meat has like a 2 second window of tenderness and then BAM it’s dry. Anyway, it didn’t matter if it was a tad dry because it just complimented the texture of the melt-in-your-mouth veggies.

So yes, I am giving this Healthy Choice meal 5 full stars. I back this meal with my life. Steaming your food separate from the sauce is brilliant. The steaming locks in the individual flavors, and the sauce accentuates rather than overpowers the meal. Congratulations, Healthy Choice. You have moved from “sucks so bad” to “edible and sort of delightful”. Be proud, be very proud.

Kahiki Tempura Chicken Nuggets

February 4, 2008 | Reviewer: Abi

Price: Provided by PR Company
Serving: 1/2 package, 4.25oz.
Calories: 230
Fat: 22%, 14g
Cholesterol: 13%, 40mg
Sodium: 20%, 470mg
Protein: 13g
Carbs: 3%, 10g
Fiber: 0%, 0g
Sugar: 0g

Weight Watchers Points: 6 points

Kahiki says: Traditional Asian-style battered chicken with our famous sweet and sour sauce

Abi says: I have to start this review by telling you right now that I detest sweet and sour anything. Sorry folks, but I just don’t get how anyone can eat that pink goo that restaurants and food manufacturers try to pass off as an edible sauce. James Carville and Bill Frist might be able to settle their differences over a Diet Coke (did anyone outside of DC see and/or get a bit sentimental about DC/laugh at the Segway people while viewing that ad? I think everyone on Capitol Hill went ‘Awwwww’. Actually, we all said “Bill Frist? James Carville? What? Does America have any clue who these people are?” Weirdly enough, I’ve actually run into James Carville. Literally. I was just chatting with my friends and he and his buddies were moving at a significantly slower pace and boom! somewhat embarrassing moment. If you’re looking for a brief physical encounter with a political-type person, you’re much better off hanging out in front of The Palm than on the Hill. Uh, end of tangent.), but sweet and sour sauce and I will never get along. We will never play jinx. It will never buy me a coke:

So, about those tempura chicken nuggets (It is 7am and I’ve already had two cups of coffee): they are awesome. I really wasn’t ready to like these previously deep fried and then baked in my oven nuggets of white meat chicken. I was ready to dismiss them the way that I dismissed the sauce (blecchh), but when I sat down and actually ate them, I thought “Wow, the breading on these is light and it doesn’t overpower the tender, tasty chicken action.” I’ve never before had such elegantly breaded frozen chicken nuggets. Of course, chicken nuggets aren’t a regular part of my diet and my complete inability to enjoy sweet and sour sauce will likely prevent me from ever purchasing this item again, but if you’re looking to host a psuedo-Chinese food-themed party and you need an appetizer, then these chicken nuggets could work for you. They are infinitely better than anything I’ve ever had from Tyson’s.

Kahiki Famous Sweet and Sour Sauce

Price: Provided by PR Company
Serving: 1 packet, 0.25oz.
Calories: 10
Fat: 0%, 0g
Cholesterol: 0%, 0mg
Sodium: 1%, 15mg
Protein: 0g
Carbs: 1%, 3g
Fiber: 0%, 0g
Sugar: 2g
Weight Watchers Points: 0 Points