Smart Ones Anytime Selections Calzone Italiano

February 15, 2008 | Reviewer: Abi

Smart Ones Anytime Selections Calzone Italiano Price: $2.50 on sale
Servings per package: 2
Serving: 1 calzone, 5oz.
Calories: 290
Fat: 9%, 6g
Cholesterol: 8%, 25mg
Sodium: 26%, 620mg
Protein: 14g
Carbohydrates: 16%, 47g
Fiber: 23%, 6g
Sugar: 6g
Weight Watchers Points: 6 Points

Smart Ones says: Low fat mozzarella cheese, the zesty flavor of Italian sausage and hearty tomato sauce in oven baked bread.

Abi says: While visiting a college friend in Seattle, I left a box of these in her freezer. When I returned a month later she informed me that she’d consumed both calzones. I took this as a sign that they’d be good. It was actually a sign that people who teach middle school science and have a lot of student loans to pay back will probably eat any food that you leave in the freezer.

This Smart Ones calzone tastes like high school. No, not Teen Spirit deodorant, fresh notebooks and formaldehyde. These calzones tastes exactly exactly like the pizza pockets available for $1.00 each in the cafeteria. I was a cold lunch kid (thanks, mom!), so I rarely had the opportunity to eat those pizza pockets. They stood for a level of unattainable coolness that I’d try to achieve by becoming a cheerleader.

The pocket itself is innocuous, at once crackery and soft. Not a spectacular pocket, but not a horrible one. It is a bit thicker than I’d expect for a ‘weight loss’ calzone and basically tastes like bread minus flavor. The sauce had an element of low-sugar Ragu and appeared to be pre-blended with cheese. I could have made sculptures with the sauce. Instead, I just smeared it around my plate debating my own hunger vs. walking to Potbelly for a cup of chili.

The sausage in this meal is made up of a variety of meats, making it off limits to Kosher friends by its existence and the inclusion of pork. Don’t worry about feeling left out; this stuff is rubbery, with a too-chewiness that will make you wonder if you’re eating spiced bouncy-balls. Smart Ones has a way to go in pursuit of perfectly microwavable sausage.

I paired this calzone with one of those ubiquitous Green Giant vegetable steamers (yes, I ate the whole thing). While I was full, I wasn’t satisfied from this trip back to angst-ville.

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comments

11 Responses to “Smart Ones Anytime Selections Calzone Italiano”

Angie on February 15th, 2008

Thanks for reviewing a Smart Ones meal. I’ve been trying various versions of them of late and was just thinking in the grocery yesterday “Hey, I wonder what HeatEatReview” would think of these?
Jennifer on February 15th, 2008

I freaking loved those pizza pockets in elementary school.
rob on February 15th, 2008

Where can you get pizza like they used to serve in elementary school? They were square and while being “pizza like” they weren’t actually pizza.

The person who can replicate that taste will be a billionaire.
Abi Jones on February 15th, 2008

@Angie – We only have 18 Smart Ones reviews, definitely fewer than the 50+ Lean Cuisine reviews. I picked up a couple more Smart Ones items, but I have to say that the quality has been so incredibly poor there’s good reason this category is so thin.

@Jennifer – I think I liked them because they were so rare in my life.

@Rob – The closest I can come in my own experience are Red Baron Deep Dish Cheese Pizza Singles.
Angie on February 15th, 2008

Well, thanks for doing the ones you’ve done. I don’t blame you-they’re not great, are they? But I can’t go shopping in the freezer section any more without your opinion!
Abi Jones on February 15th, 2008

@Angie – That is definitely my warm and fuzzy comment for the day! Much better than this email I received earlier:

Have tried three different Simply Enjoy entres and found them all extremely delicious….EXCEPT, they were all TOO SPICY…..MADE MY TONGUE BURN. How about removing some of the spices?

Oh, humanity.
katie on February 15th, 2008

they wernt that bad i actually liked the way they tasted!
Rose on February 15th, 2008

Abi, this looks like something I would have eaten in the three plus years I lived on frozen food. that being said, it looks good. if you like…fake cheese..fake food..fake everything. which I am known to.

My fiance’s mother, bless her. does not cook. when she cooks, she cooks something that had previously been frozen. when we visit her, I find myself traveling back to frozen food days. one of the things she seems to stock up on is the hot pocket version of this “calzones” let me tell you, my parents owned a pizza shop. they are not calzones. but they are cheesey and hit the spot when you’re craving something big..and cheesey..and filled with empty calories. you should try them if you find them on sale.
Jennifer on February 17th, 2008

So I went out and bought these, and before I even unloaded the rest of my groceries I started heating it up….and yes indeed, it tastes EXACTLY like those pizza pockets. I have a feeling I’ll be buying these every week until they are discontinued.
Janette on February 18th, 2008

Rob -
I loved that square/rectangle pizza too! The closest I ever found was Tony’s pizza
I had bangs, too :: Jones. Abi Jones. on April 14th, 2008

[...] had bangs, too Smart Ones Anytime Selections Calzone Italiano Like an acid trip back to High School. These pockets reminded me that some things (delicious food [...]