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Never work before breakfast; if you have to work before breakfast, eat your breakfast first. ~Josh Billings

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Taco Bell Fiesta Steak Bowlz

November 14, 2007 | Reviewer: Andrew

Price: $2.00 on sale
Serving: 1 bowl, 9oz.
Calories: 290 per serving
Fat: 8%, 5g
Cholesterol: 10%, 30mg
Sodium: 33%, 790mg
Protein: 15g
Carbohydrates: 14%, 42g
Fiber: 24%, 6g
Sugar: 2g
Weight Watchers Points: 5 Per Bowl

Taco Bell says: Mexican-style rice, refried beans, steak strips, smoky fiesta sauce with onions, red bell peppers, and green bell peppers

Andrew says: The terror I felt when I beheld this non-frozen, non-refrigerated, Taco Bell-sponsored meal is indescribable. Tally it up: shelf-stable meat with spicy sauce and refried beans and the Taco Bell name on the packaging. Would a real-life zombie be more or less scary?

Honestly, I do love me some Taco Bell. I always go for the double decker taco or a Baja beef chalupa if I’m feeling saucy. I also enjoy the “Mexican” “pizza” and the empanadas, which is essentially Taco Bell’s version of the McDonald’s apple pie. Taco Bell is what I thought it was: it’s cheap and potentially a gastrointestinal disaster. It doesn’t disgust me or surprise me, but it nearly always satisfies.

Still, though, with Taco Bell’s reputation as a slapdash fast-food outfit, the idea of shelf-stable food (yikes) with the Taco Bell name and all the baggage that carries (what is this meat made of, anyway?) is intimidating. But because Abi was kind enough to send me this food for free to review, I dove in with only a fork to protect myself.

The packaging makes it look as though you can expect about a third of the bowlz’s volume to be taken up by the meatlike steak strips. This is not actually the case. I didn’t bother to count how many strips I consumed, but I’m going to bet it was fewer than 10. Perhaps eight? And due to the monochromatic nature of the meal (brown rice, brown beans, brown sauce, brown meat and peppers dulled to a brownish red or green), when you’re done heating it up and you go to stir it, you’ll probably do what I did and stir it all up into a beany, rice-y, meaty paste.

How did it taste? How DIDN’T it taste! Uh, well it didn’t taste much like anything I’d order at Taco Bell in real life. The beans and rice are true to the Taco Bell canon, but the steak bits are small and unsatisfying, not at all like the steak bits you get when you splurge for the steak gordita or chalupa (I’m not kidding, those steak chunks are quite tasty). The spice is generic and doesn’t even approximate the drive-thru Tex-Mex appeal of a Taco Bell dish.

Overall, I’m impressed the dish didn’t make me go blind or give me the Ebola virus, and considering that, I can’t really recommend humans willingly consume this.

Lean Cuisine Thai-Style Chicken

November 14, 2007 | Reviewer: Abi

Price: $2.50
Serving: 1 tray, 9oz.
Calories: 220
Fat: 6%, 4g
Cholesterol: 10%, 30mg
Sodium: 25%, 610mg
Protein: 17g
Carbs: 14%, 43g
Fiber: 8%, 2g
Weight Watchers Points: 4 Points

Lean Cuisine says: Grilled chicken tenderloins served in a rich and creamy roasted red pepper sauce made with fire-roasted red peppers and basil, accented with lime. Long grain white rice, hand-picked red peppers, spinach and lime are tossed together to finish the dish.

Abi says: Right now I’m researching places where I can get married. This is a lot less fun than it sounds, so all I can say is ‘Thank God for the Internet’. Not for research purposes, but for entertainment value: it is fun to see all of the crazy wedding-related stuff that people thing they have to do. I found all of this so ridiculous that I actually started another website: Stupid Wedding Crap. The name is pretty self-explanatory.

I find weight loss boards on The Knot are especially interesting because people online give sound advice (drink plenty of water, eat healthy foods, and exercise, if you’re curious). But sometimes there’s a person out there who says something like this:

If you reduced your calorie intake each day to 800-1000 calories, you’ll have no problem being able to take off that pre-wedding weight.

I have to agree, starving yourself is a pretty effective way to drop weight. And completely screw up your body. And probably turn into some sort of zombie and tear someone’s head off so that you can get to their brains. Because brains are rich in protein (yes, I am making that up, I have no idea about the nutritional content of brains). However, not everyone wants to be a zombie. Also, maybe some like to eat food because it is delicious and maybe they like being able to go for a bike ride without fainting.

People who like to eat, but sometimes just need a snack and not an entire pound of food, should consider Lean Cuisine’s Thai-style chicken. Yes, it is tinier than an actual meal (because since when does 220 calories constitute a meal?), but I think that it could be a fantastic part of one of those 5 small meals a day plans or a decent lunch if paired with an apple or carrots, a string cheese, a Diet Coke and a chocolate bar. Mmmmm.

While this dish in no way resembles any meal I’ve ever seen or eaten in a Thai restaurant (I guess that’s where the ’style’ part comes in), the rice features actual lime essence (amazing!) and the chicken swims in a hearty, tray-licking-good red pepper sauce. I am sort of scared by how much I enjoyed this little item. I would have probably enjoyed it a lot more if there had been more of it. Imagine a pack of Bubble Yum. Now unwrap that package and imagine that each piece of gum has turned into a piece of chicken. Is that enough chicken? No. Not for a meal.

If you’re thinking about keeping a frozen item in the office for those times that you need something to eat at 3:30pm, but an enormous chocolate chip oatmeal cookie from Potbelly is calling your name, this might just work.

The photo above is from Carolyn’s review of the meal over a year ago. My rice was considerably better than hers and my meal looked much prettier, if only I could find that photo.

Smart Ones Creamy Rigatoni with Broccoli & Chicken

November 12, 2007 | Reviewer: Adina

Price: $2.00
Serving: 1 meal, 9oz.
Calories: 290
Fat: 13%, 8g
Cholesterol: 18%, 55mg
Sodium: 29%, 690mg
Protein: 20g
Carbs: 11%, 33g
Fiber: 9%, 2g
WW Points: 6 Points

Smart Ones says: A medley of pasta, broccoli florets and white meat chicken in a creamy parmesan sauce

Adina says: I am becoming a Smart Ones convert. When I first sold my soul to the microwave meal gods started eating microwave meals, I though Smart Ones was the low man on the totem pole. Lean Cuisine had just come out with their fancy sleek box designs and I am a sucker for shiny things, even if it ultimately meant I was stuck with a 6 ounce lunch. And Healthy Choice just sounded like…such a healthy choice. Wow, marketers would have a field day with me.

But as the years passed and I realized that a Lean Cuisine would not get me past 2 PM and Healthy Choice was the devil, I started looking for other options. And Smart Ones really does one-up the other microwave meal brands on taste and noodles. And I don’t know if you can tell this by the reviews I do, but noodles are my life. I eat noodles at lunch and dinner almost every day. And not as a side dish, oh no. Noodles are always the star of my meal, the main attraction, the favorite child. The protein and vitamins are just the ugly step-children to the radiant white glow of the noodle. I would have sex with noodles if I could. I just don’t know how I can emphasize my noodle love enough. It is big love, people.

Anyway, now that I’m all hot and bothered, let me tell you about this meal. The rigatoni is thick and chewy and I am just constantly amazed that Smart Ones can get noodles to taste like that. To taste noodley but also different, like there is some special ingredient that is not included in my box of Muellers. Maybe steroids? Who knows, but whatever it is, Smart Ones noodles are always jacked up with taste and thickness. It must be steroids.

The rigatoni is covered in a creamy parmesan sauce robust in flavor. It has the perfect amount of pepper and seasoning, which is rare in a microwave meal alfredo-type sauce. Typically I find weight-watching alfredo sauces to be thin and peppery and soulless. But not this sauce, this beautifully crafted sauce. I can still taste it, and it doesn’t make me want to cry. I guess there is a first for everything, huh.

The broccoli was crisp and the chicken was tender, also a miracle in and of itself considering it is microwaved white meat. Have you ever microwaved real white chicken meat? Tell me it tastes good and I’ll show you a pig that can fly.

I just wish Smart Ones would give me a bit more bang for my protein buck. Generally, they tend to shrink all their meat in their meals for some reason, which is strange because their meat typically tastes really good. Are they trying to enforce slow chewing so that I ultimately eat less food? Are they really looking out for me and my sensitive gastrointestinal tract? Man, these people are freaking saints.

Anyway, I am going to go ahead and give this meal five stars because I can only hope that my firstborn turns out half as wonderful as this meal. Maybe other microwave meal companies will follow suit and make food that doesn’t suck. Here’s to tomorrow.

Trader Joe's Chocolate Croissants

November 11, 2007 | Reviewer: Abi

Price: $3.99
Serving: 1 croissant, 3oz.
Servings per Package: 4
Calories: 320 per croissant
Fat: 28%, 18g
Cholesterol: 14%, 40mg
Sodium: 11%, 270mg
Protein: 5g
Carbohydrates: 11%, 34g
Fiber: 6%, 1g
Weight Watchers Points: 8 Points

Trader Joe says: A good, flaky, buttery croissant is enough to make the staunchest dieter consider making an exception. Now, consider said croissant with a rich, dark chocolate center. Though the size of the box may lead you to believe that these are but a small luxury, we must warn you. Once proofed (allowed to rise) and baked, these croissants become a generously portioned indulgence.

Abi says: If you are going to be anywhere near a Trader Joe’s at any point this week and you are a lover of chocolate croissants, you absolutely, positively must purchase this item.

Over the years I’ve created a variety of rather poor chocolate croissant substitutes. There were Pillsbury Croissants wrapped around chocolate chips (weirdly buttery, but super easy), the Pepperidge Farm puff pastry with Ghirardelli chocolate (plenty of layers, annoying need for rolling pin, not buttery enough), and the old standby of just wrapping some chocolate in a tortilla, grilling it, and pretending that it is some sort of Mexican delicacy.

Nothing compares to this chocolate croissant, not the fresh ones from Breadline (usually overcooked) or the soggy ones from Heller’s in Mt. Pleasant (plenty of chocolate, but gummy dough) or even the nice but not-so-cheap gems from the Palo Alto Baking Company.

At just a buck a piece, you can enjoy fantastic chocolate croissants made baked in your home. Getting similarly delicious croissants from Williams-Sonoma will cost you $2.66 per croissant and you have to buy a box of 15 and pay for shipping, putting your actual per croissant cost at $3.23. But instead of paying 200% too much, you can fill your home with the delicious scent of fresh-baked pastry from Trader Joe’s, provided you have patience, an oven, and no pest problems.

You see, you’ll need to let these sit out overnight so that they can rise. So if you have ants, mice, or cockroaches, then these are not the frozen treats for you. You’ll need to let these croissants sit out overnight for a good 9 hours. They’re perfect for you late risers because all you have to do is take the risen croissants (already on a baking sheet), pop them in the oven, and 22 minutes later (your time may vary) you’ll have a couple of amazingly delicious breakfast pastries.