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Wish I had time for just one more bowl of chili. ~the dying words of Kit Carson

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Campbell's Creamy Tomato Soup

November 19, 2007 | Reviewer: Abi

Price: $1.00 (super-low sale price)
Serving: 1 container, 10.75oz.
Calories: 190
Fat: 6%, 4g
Sodium: 39%, 940mg
Protein: 4g
Carbs: 11%, 34g
Fiber: 16%, 4g
Weight Watchers Points: 3 Points

Campbell’s says: Campbell’s® Soup at Hand® is a great way to eat right when you’re on the run. Our heat-and-go microwavable cups let you enjoy sippable soup… anytime, anywhere.

Abi says: On the continuum of all pre-made tomato soups I’ve ever had, Campbell’s Creamy Tomato is firmly in the 4 star spot. Sure, it is a complete salt bomb and the mouth of the container is too small for dipping drenching my grilled cheese sandwiches in the soup, but whenever I’m feeling a bit ill (which I was approximately 10 days ago), all I have to do is pull one of these cans of soup out of the cupboard, fire up the microwave, grab a box of tissues, and go downstairs to watch soaps.

Thanks to the packaging-intensive design of this container of soup, I do not need to use any other dishes or utensils to enjoy a piping hot container of tomato and high fructose goodness (23 grams of sugar, wow) and I mean it when I say piping hot. This soup will destroy your tongue if you lack the patience of a saint.

Not being saint-like, I always burn my tongue. I figure that cold soup is worse than pain. This is not an accurate depiction of my overall intelligence, but it explains how I can continue to eat microwaved food even though I know that most of it is horrid. Post-tongue-burning, this soup induces me to stretch out and fall asleep, which is why I don’t recommend eating soup for lunch at work. You’ll just want to curl up in a ball under your cubicle desk and tell your coworkers to wake you shortly before 5:30pm.

Trader Joe's Fully Cooked Organic Brown Rice

November 18, 2007 | Reviewer: Abi

Price: $1.99
Serving: 1 container, 7.4oz.
Calories: 340 per serving
Fat: 4%, 2.5g
Cholesterol: 0%, 0mg
Sodium: 0%, 0mg
Protein: 7g
Carbs: 24%, 22g
Fiber: 12%, 3g
Weight Watchers Points: 6 Points

Trader Joe says: He doesn’t say this exactly, but I will paraphrase for you. Well, paraphrase if it meant “Taking longer to explain something that it would just take you to read it off the pakage, but the print is small so you just have to trust me on this one.” You can cook Trader Joe’s pre-cooked organic brown rice on the stove or in the microwave. The stove version involves submerging the entire package in boiling water for 10 minutes. If you have to resort to something like that, maybe you should just consider investing in a microwave or becoming friends with a microwave-owning neighbor.

Abi says: Whenever I eat brown rice I think of colon cancer. I don’t even know if there’s a link between colon cancer and fiber, but that’s what I think about. I also think about how I’m being a taste martyr for my colon. Because brown rice isn’t particularly tasty. Not that I eat it solo, but still, when you say brown rice is the first thought in your head:

1. Yum
2. Ugh
3. While not the tastiest thing on the planet, it is probably better for digestion than that fragrant jasmine rice I wish I was eating instead.

Hmmmm? I find this style of eating particularly depressing, the whole “I will eat this because it is good for me even though it tastes bad.” mantra is abominable. I only ate this because I purchased it. And I only purchased it because I have a sick fascination with shelf-stable items (see super-scary Taco Bell Bowlz Review by Andrew) and I like to eat rice with my from the pouch Indian food. Basically, it was a back-up for a time when I would be without Trader Joe’s Garlic Naan.

A suitable back-up it was not. This was the least delicious brown rice I’ve had in my life. This is saying something because I’ve been consuming a lot of brown rice lately. This is also my third little tray of pre-cooked rice (the others were white and brown) and I’ve found that they are all unbelievably sticky and soggy. Frozen rice just completely kicks shelf-stable rice’s butt. Not that you should be buying frozen rice if you own a rice cooker or you rock at making rice, but coming from a household where a certain loved one cannot let a pot of rice cook without lifting the lid and stirring it ALL THE FREAKING TIME, microwaveable frozen rice is a godsend. Also, it is ready in 3 minutes, which is just 90 more seconds than it takes to heat the gummy shelf-stable rice. Alas, I have not yet reviewed the incredible frozen rice, so for now all I will do is offer you a picture and say “Go, buy this frozen rice in the purple box. Keep it in your freezer. Do not be alarmed when you decide that paying 10 times too much for rice is perfectly acceptable because it is so amazingly speedy and delicious.”

Amy's Cheese Pizza Pocket Sandwich

November 17, 2007 | Reviewer: Abi

Price: $2.00 on sale
Serving: 1 pocket, 4.5oz.
Calories: 300 per serving
Fat: 13%, 9g
Cholesterol: 5%, 15mg
Sodium: 19%, 450mg
Protein: 14g
Carbohydrates: 14%, 42g
Fiber: 16%, 4g
Sugar: 5g
Weight Watchers Points: 6 Per Pocket

Amy’s Kitchen says: Amy’s favorite pocket sandwich is this version of the classic cheese pizza, made with our flavorful organic tomato pizza sauce and lower fat mozzarella cheese. This popular pocket sandwich is a natural for snacks and lunches for both kids and adults.

Abi says: Logically, I should love this pizza pocket. Americans love pizza. I am American. Ergo, love. But this isn’t a pizza pocket sandwich. It is a hollow pocket sandwich. Where’s the cheese? Also, where’s the sauce?

I know, you’re probably saying to yourself “Hey Abi, the cheese and sauce probably leaked out of the pocket during the cooking process. It happens all of the time.”

That might happen to you, but not to me. I am a microwave ninja. I am very, very careful to flip my pocket during the cooking process. I am sad that this pocket is essentially a bunch of crust with a thin layer of cheese and sauce. Even the suspect pizza pockets at my high school had more filling.

If this pocket had more filling, then I would say “Amy’s Kitchen has conquered the pizza pocket world with their flavorful pastry filled with delectably fresh sauce and delightfully stringy and satisfying mozzarella.” But I can’t say that because my pocket was hollow. In fact, the more and more I think about the hollow pocket, the sadder and sadder I become. I must end this review now lest I’m tempted to weep inconsolably the next time I see one of these pockets in the frozen food aisle.

However, if they are on sale I will not weep. I will instead purchase another pocket and let you know if mine was defective or if they all pretty much suck.

Oscar Mayer Beef Fast Franks

November 16, 2007 | Reviewer: Abi

Price: $3.59
Serving: 1 Beef Frank with Bun, 3.4 oz.
Calories: 300
Fat: 31%, 20g
Cholesterol: 12%, 35mg
Sodium: 35%, 830mg
Protein: 10g
Carbohydrates: 7%, 21g
Fiber: 4%, 1g
Weight Watchers Points: 7 Points

Oscar Mayer says: Oscar Mayer Fast Franks taste great thanks to the specially designed microweavable tray that heats the bakery-fresh bun just right, so it’s soft and warm right out of the microwave!

Abi says: If you don’t like hot dogs, these Oscar Mayer Fast Franks certainly won’t convince you to start enjoying them. However, if you do eat hot dogs, these are pretty much perfect for the dead of winter when you’re sorely missing barbecue season.

I first purchased these in the midst of a horrid DC winter and they seemed a perfectly reasonable buy. Then I got home and George made fun of me, because who buys prepackaged hot dogs and buns, huh?

Well, I don’t know about you, but I can’t imagine eating 8 hot dogs in buns over the course of a week. However, 3 small ones seem perfectly reasonable to consume over the course of several days. So, that makes me the person that buys the pre-assembled hot dogs.

The hot dogs themselves aren’t particularly wonderful, in fact they are a bit small, about 4/5 the size of a regular hot dog. They taste like mainstream hot dogs: salty and unidentifiably meaty with a note of summer, but feature none of the huge flavor that comes with the Hebrew National hot dogs available at Costco. The buns are dry, which is most likely due to the fact that they have to sit on the shelf for a long time before someone will buy them. Furthermore, you’re entering dangerous bread territory when you get out the microwave. Microwave rays affect bread in such a way that if it is not consumed quickly it will harden into an inedible mass of carbohydrates.

This winter, I’ll satisfy my hot dog want by taking trips to Costco. That way I can get a hot dog and a soda for just $1.50, plus tax (making the total $1.68) and I can pick up some copies of Real Simple and Discover and InStyle for 30% off the cover price (magazines are my drug, coffee too), gaze longingly at enormous tubs of artichoke spinach dip, and visit all of the friendly sample ladies and the gruff energy bar dude.