Lunchables Turkey and Cheddar Stackers

November 4, 2007 | Reviewer: Abi

Lunchables Turkey and Cheddar Stackers Price: $2.00
Serving: 1 package, 3.8oz. (food) and 6.75 fluid oz. (juice drink)
Calories: 420
Fat: 20%, 13g
Sodium: 31%, 750mg
Protein: 12g
Carbs: 22%, 66g
Fiber: 0%, 0g
Weight Watchers Points: 9

Oscar Mayer says: Lean white turkey-cured, Kraft pasteurized prepared cheddar cheese product, Ritz crackers, Skittles bite size candies, and Capri Sun Wild Cherry flavored juice drink blend from concentrate with other natural flavor.

Abi says: I like lunchmeat. I especially enjoy that super-thin sliced lunch meat that comes in those 33¢ packets at the grocery store and have names like Land-O-Frost. I detest thickly sliced lunchmeat. If I’m going to eat meat that has been stripped from an animal, cooked, and then reformed into a loaf, I’d like it to be produced in paper-thin slices. Would you eat a hunk of proscuitto? No, you would wrap the nearly see-through slices around hunks of cantaloupe and call that antipasti.

Lunchables aren’t antipasto. They also aren’t that great of a lunch. The turkey featured a variety of odd textures within each meat circle. This wouldn’t weird me out so much on Thanksgiving Day, but when I’m dealing with highly processed meats, I prefer not to find that some bits are slightly chewier than others.

The cheese was a horrific block of bright-orange plastic. Not actual plastic, but metaphorical plastic. I understand that as I get older and my palate expands, that my tastes will change. Also, I live in California now and am surrounded by places that sell crazy amounts of cheese. Today at Trader Joe’s they were sampling Vermont Cheddar and Irish Cheddar with Port and at the Milk Pail they had something with blue mold and a fresh, spreadable goat cheese. Free cheese is everywhere! And with such luxury everywhere, I feel like an idiot when I get American Cheese.

I’m sad that it is even called American Cheese. America makes some of the best cheese in the world, but we stuck our country’s name on the worst cheese ever invented. How disappointing.

The crackers were just crackers, much like a cross between off-brand Ritz and Keebler Club crackers, but with less butteriness. I have not met a cracker I didn’t like unless you count the Whole Foods store brand of Triscuits. Those things were awful and are still sitting in my cupboard. I would try to feed them to animals, but the raccoons in Stanford’s Escondido Village are already quite aggressive.

This mostly awful meal was accompanied by two wonderful items: Skittle and a Capri Sun. While I could never bring myself to purchase a box of Capri Sun (they come 10 to a box, I believe), I do find a lot of pleasure in stabbing that sometimes ineffectual little yellow straw through the foil pouch. And the Skittles? Well, you can’t really go wrong with Skittles.*

Now that I’m an adult, I understand why my mom never wanted to buy Lunchables for me or my brother. Sure, they were fun and involved miniature cold cuts, but with all of the sodium, possible chemicals, and bad cheese, she was steering me clear of a potentially distastrous palate-hindering experience.

*I originally wrote this thinking of the goodness that exists in the form of Original Skittles, Sour Skittles, and occasionally Wild Berry Skittles. However, I quickly remembered a flavor of Skittles that all but one person in my office’s cube area found completely disgusting: Carnival Flavor Skittles. Nasty, nasty stuff.

comments

2 Responses to “Lunchables Turkey and Cheddar Stackers”

MaryAnne on November 5th, 2007

I wanted lunchables when I was a kid too. My mom always said no because she said they were overpriced boxes of preservatives but to feel free to buy one of my own. I did using money that I was usually given to buy candy during breaks at Hebrew school. It was disgusting and I had no money to buy a charleston chew. Always listen to your mother.
Jill on November 5th, 2007

I was the same as a child, but never actually got to try the joys lunchables. Now, however, I see the kids I work with eat them and wonder “hoooooooooow?” and the new varieties are even worse, with the nacho/pizza ideas. And yes, American cheese should not be considered cheese.

Leave a Reply