Marie Callender Cheesy Chicken Breast & Rice

August 24, 2007 | Reviewer: Jess

Marie Callender Cheesy Chicken Breast & Rice Price: $2.50
Serving: 1 meal, 14 oz.
Calories: 440
Fat: 23%, 15g
Cholesterol: 20%, 60mg
Sodium: 55%, 1330mg
Protein: 31g
Carbs: 15%, 44g
Fiber: 28%, 7g

Marie Callender says: I simmered white meat chicken in a creamy cheese sauce, then added broccoli florets and a blend of white and wild rice.

Jess says: I did it and I did it for you, Internet. I bought a Marie Calendar meal, even if it did mean possibly taking years from my life (but certainly only adding to the life in my years). Oh Marie, you look so classy and done up on your cardboard box portrait. You could be on a 1950s vacuum cleaner advertisement, in your pristine apron with that look of self-satisfied whimsy. And, yet, I just found myself presented with a Velveeta Volcano from inside that green box. With this meal, you’re less June Cleaver and more Paula Deen.

Fat, sodium, and other health considerations aside, I paraded this cheesy lava through the halls of our office and saw the envy in my co-workers’ eyes. I work with good people who know innately what a little (too much) lactose can add to a Friday. And following too many beers at Thursday’s happy hour? Oh, it’s just the ticket. If the box says that there are chicken, rice, and broccoli resting under the sunshine yellow spread, I’ll believe it. But it could have been anything. All I tasted was cheese and later, due to dehydrated feeling I carried around with me, probably salt. Actually, though I did not taste the rice, I liked its texture. The small grains allow for greater cheese coating between rice clumps. Like rice cheese balls! (A new appetizer for entertaining? Indeed!) But of course, cheeselovers, this cheese isn’t Vermont Sharp Cheddar and is far from a Smoked Gouda. This will be more reminiscent (with similar rib sticking) of the Velveeta shells and cheese of your youth. This cheese is so processed that it’s probably a new life form. In fact, this cheese strongly resists holding heat. I had to reheat this meal 3 times in the course of consuming it due to the cheese’s odd property of rapid heat loss. A contributing factor is that the serving is rather large. It’s an undertaking, not merely a lunch. Lordy, lord. I’m so freaking full right now. And thirsty! I need a camel pack so the guy across the hall from the water cooler will stop judging me.

Buy one of these suckers and leave it stored in your freezer. There will be a cold, hungry, hungover day in your life at some point and this will be exactly what you need. Simply treat as a guilty pleasure and use sparingly.

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2 Responses to “Marie Callender Cheesy Chicken Breast & Rice”

Crow on August 24th, 2007

“Marie Callender says: I simmered white meat chicken in a creamy cheese sauce, then added broccoli florets and a blend of white and wild rice.”

Dead people are preparing my food! That has to violate some food safety regs.

Also, wild rice isn’t rice…lying corpse…
Tanya on August 24th, 2007

There’s 65% of the RDA for saturated fat and 20% from cholesterol … I’m not a health nut, but dayum!

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