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Sex is good, but not as good as fresh, sweet corn. ~Garrison Keillor

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Gardenburger Margherita Pizza Style Veggie Wrap

February 8, 2007 | Reviewer: Jess

Price: $3.50
Serving: 1 wrap, 4.75 oz.
Calories: 240
Fat: 12%, 8g
Cholesterol: 3%, 10mg
Sodium: 25%, 590mg
Protein: 12g
Carbs: 11%, 34g
Fiber: 20%, 5g

Gardenburger says: Our Italian-style vegetable patty, robust marinara sauce and mozzarella cheese in a whole wheat tortilla. The wrap meets the old world.

Jess says: On the spectrum of life dispositions, I would situate myself somewhere between a cynic and realist. If something shitty happens to you, I’m going to say, “Man, that was shitty”. I’m not going to say, “Everything happens for a reason” and I’m certainly not going to say, “When God closes a door, he opens a window”. I would take you for a beer though, but only if I did not find you intolerable.

But every now and again, despite my attempts at dodging and weaving the half full glass, I get tricked into optimism. This happened a couple of weeks ago as Abi led me to the work freezer and whipped out Gardenburger’s Margherita Pizza Wrap, purchased just for me! You see, I have been very vocal about my love of the Morningstar Veggie Burger. I eat at least one a week because they are quick and tasty (two key words for me). I am also unashamed of my crush on cheese. And here Gardenburger had combined these forces in to a portable wrap, pizzaed with a little sauce. Abi knew it was right up my alley. I was so excited. I was sure it was going to be grand. You’d think I’d be switching around my Claddagh Ring.

Psyche!

This was nasty! See how the wrap sticks to the plate post-microwaving. I had to get it off by jutting my hand up under there, pulling and sacrificing one of the wrap layers. Also see how the cover’s mouth-watering picture looks NOTHING like the real thing. Inside is merely a sub-standard cheese glob focused solely in the middle center of the wrap. This leaves a lot of bland wrap for you that is hardly worth the effort of bland chewing. No discernible bit of veggie burger to taste. No sauce for sure. Man, this really sucked. And my officemate had delicious sushi and some noodle dish. I was so jealous. I was still hungry and all I was left with was the thin layer of wrap stuck to my plate. Don’t buy this. Furthermore don’t heat this up and eat it. Really.

Whole Foods Garlic Teriyaki Salmon

February 7, 2007 | Reviewer: Abi

Price: $3.50 (superb sale)
Serving: 1 package, 11.75 oz.
Calories: 430
Fat: 13%, 8g
Sodium: 57%, 1360mg
Protein: 27g
Carbs: 19%, 58g
Fiber: 10%, 3g

Whole Foods says: Fresh salmon with garlicky teriyaki sauce, paired with rice and vegetables — a fresh meal, ready in minutes with our new steam flow packaging.

Abi says: I am on the bus right now and the current is next to a Dunkin’ Donuts. The scent is intoxicating. Literally, I am drunk off of the smell of donuts. But I have to concentrate and write about salmon.

I’ve eyed these Whole Foods 1-2-3 meals for months and would have reviewed one much sooner if it weren’t for the crazy-high price of $6.00 each. Convenience food purchases are a risk and it is a lot easier to gamble on 3 Lean Cuisines than one piece of raw fish.

Yeah, the meat is raw. Having experienced insanely horrible salmon incarnations before (Healthy Choice Creamy Dill Salmon), I didn’t think I was up for yet another salmon disappointment. Salmon are majestic fish. They don’t belong in a microwave, they belong on a cedar plank in the form of an enourmous fillet. I told my mom I was going to microwave some salmon and she actually hung up on me. I had to send her some gravlax to get back in her good graces.

My hope was that the insane technology harbored by Whole Foods could somehow make the microwave safe for salmon, veggies, and rice all being steamed in the same container. Did it work? well, aside from making the microwave reek of steamed salmon, this dish was pretty darn good. Ok, except for the asparagus and the broccoli and carrots. You see, to cook the salmon properly, you end up oversteaming the vegetables. If you like really, really mushy steamed vegetables, this will work out for you. I prefer my carrots and broccoli al dente.

The garlic teriyaki sauce provides a delicate pungency and enough sodium for more than half your day. If you haven’t been getting enough salt, this is quite beneficial for you. Considering that 95% of the readers of HeatEatReview.com hail from the United States, I don’t think lack of sodium is an issue.

I wish I knew of the effects of microwaves on Omega 3 fatty acids. But I don’t, so I’m assuming that this salmon is rocking my socks, nutritionally speaking. If you can control other potential sodium hot-spots for the day, this meal is a satisfying way fill your tummy.

Hungry-Man Sports Grill American Classic

February 6, 2007 | Reviewer: Nicole

Price: $2.00 (sale at Giant)
Serving: 1 package, 16 oz.
Calories: 1040
Fat: 93%, 61g
Sodium: 111%, 2670mg
Protein: 32g
Carbs: 30%, 90g
Fiber: 33%, 8g
Weight Watchers Points: 25 Points

Hungry-Man says: Flame broiled beef patty with cheese on a bun and potatoes with cheese sauce. We know what it takes to satisfy the heartiest of appetites. Now you can enjoy popular varieties from your favorite sports grill in front of your own TV.

Nicole says: I was so excited to find Hungry Man meals on sale that I called Abi while I was still at the grocery store. Unfortunately, she didn’t answer. I was still, however, very excited when I arrived home with my booty that I called her again. This time she answered.

I’d like to state up front that my excitement is about the sale HM meals has nothing to do with a particular cranky, threatening reader’s comments. It was entirely to do with my desire for more calories and fat from sale frozen meals. But in case my reference was too oblique, here is the comment:

Hi. I’m starting to get sick of this site. This site is called “Heat. Eat. Review”. You should name it “Become a damn hippy. Eat. Review”. All you do is review inferior products that are GOING to taste like crap because they’re either “organic”, “low fat”, or “gourmet”, none of which are suitable fare for frozen dinners.

I have commented once before. I DEMAND that you include Swanson meals in your surveys. Your whole site screams “female” and “granola eating hippy” to me. Some of the HUNGRY-MAN meals are large enough to fill you up for a whole day, just about, and while not as health concious as your other reviewed items, can be placed into a well balanced diet IF USED CORRECTLY. I have facts and figures to back up my claims. When considering the serving sized of HUNGRY-MAN meals to what you review, often the grams of fat and sodium are not that different.

Stop being whining pansies looking for quality “mud food” (i.e. indian. wtf?) in a frozen dinner and review the REAL frozen dinners most people are eating. If you do not, you will suffer consequences.

Thanks!
Greg

Greg: There are certain hippie-ish reviewers on this site, that’s undeniable. But you don’t have to be a hippie to wish to save money by buying frozen meals on sale for $2.00 or $2.50. Write Swanson and let them know they need to offer more sales. Or write Giant and tell them to offer Swanson meals on sale more often. Don’t chastise us for saving money and liking a variety of cuisines. Or, donate $5 and let us know what frozen meal you’d like us to review.

Back to the 1040 calorie meal at hand.

Preparation was too complicated, but what do you really expect with a freaking microwavable burger? You had to remove the bun top before heating the entire meal, then add the bun top for the last 45 seconds.

I was pleasantly surprised by the size of the burger - I was expecting a McDonald’s standard cheeseburger size. The slice of cheese on the burger could’ve been a bit bigger, but there was plenty of cheese for the fries. The bun didn’t turn out all that soggy, just soft and the meat tasted like any frozen burger patty. So, the cheeseburger was better than fair. The fries were either too crispy (around the edge of the plate) or too soft (middle of the plate) but they were reasonably tasty and crispness is far less important with these home-style fries anyhow. The cheese sauce was decent - more like CheezWhiz on a cheesesteak than cheese sauce on nachos. The big disappointment with this meal came when I got the the center of the fry compartment. The center bottom of the pile were not fully cooked, and I wasn’t going to put them back in the microwave for another go. It was okay, I was already quite full. Lucky for you, Swanson!

I am a bit confounded by the idea of cheese fries with a cheeseburger. I feel that if I were ordering a cheeseburger, I wouldn’t necessarily be seeking fries with a topping. And if I were, it’d be chili cheese fries. Don’t get any ideas, Hungry Man division of Swanson!!

Annie Chun’s Noodle Express Singapore Curry

February 5, 2007 | Reviewer: Abi

Price: $2.69 (on sale)
Serving: 1/2 tray, 3.7 oz.
Calories: 160
Fat: 5%, 3g
Cholesterol: 0%, 0mg
Sodium: 23%, 550mg
Protein: 4g
Carbs: 9%, 28g
Fiber: 6%, 2g

Annie Chun says: This quick meal features my version of the traditional spicy sauce that migrated from India and spread throughout Asia. My Singapore Curry is a classic fusion of ginger, garlic, onion, turmeric and chilis.

Abi says: Before we get into the taste, appearance, and odor of this meal, let me take a stand on the pro-Annie Chun side by stating that biodegradable bowls and/or trays are AWESOME. Why isn’t everyone using biodegradable bowls and/or trays? This is a challenge to
you, Amy’s Kitchen, stop using plastic trays and get on the biodegradable bandwagon!

Ok, now for the actual review.

During lunch I often need to concentrate on finding the flavors and textures hidden in shelf-stable meals. Ok I focus on, flavors, textures, and the outfits on Go Fug Yourself. Today, while trying to enjoy the outrageousness of Tyra Banks’ latest tan and brainstorming ways to get Sabra to send me some Sauteed Eggplant with Crackers To Go, I kept being interrupted by people pondering (quite loudly) why the heck the cube area smelled like a noodle joint.

First, was Kate, with the observation that I was making everything smell like ramen.

“But it isn’t ramen,” I replied “these noodles are steamed and then blanched. Much healthier.” Yes, I read that off of the box.

Kate responded with a look that meant “I really don’t care if it is healthier, your ramen is smelling up the office.”

The next observation came from Randa, sitting beyond the cube walls (still in a cube, but approximately 15 feet from me).

“Is somebody eating Oodles of Noodles?”

While I wish that I was eating Oodles of Noodles (now known as Nooshi, which is a much more respectable name, but still pretty silly), I can’t say that this meal is horrible. Sure, it will make your entire workplace smell like a noodle bar, but the biggest problem is that it is far too expensive ($2.89!) to be just a tray of noodles and sauce. Ok, noodles and sauce and dehydrated vegetables.

Yes, this meal contains ginger, garlic, onion, turmeric, and chilis, but I am wrong in calling it a meal. Really, this is just a side dish. I have decided this for two reasons. The first reason is that it is too texturally boring to be the only thing I’d eat for lunch. The second is that this box supposedly contains two servings. Unfortunately, I had not procured a second lunch item and I just ate the whole box. That was a bad decision that I do not wish you to repeat.

(Another ‘Why did I eat both servings?’ bad decision was been made by Jess, with the Amy’s Kitchen Cheese Enchiladas.)